SLIPPING... Big time.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
SLIPPING... Big time.
Okay folks... I need help. It's late here and I can't call any of my Al-anon folks.
AH left a receipt out on the counter... somewhat of a "F*&K YOU!" to me... a sizeable bar tab, time stamped 1:30 am... from a college bar in the town he was in. This is on top of the whole him going out last week and picking up a girl at a bar.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much tonight. But it is. I'm in tears. I'm so disgusted by SEEING the confirmation of what I already suspected. He's an alcoholic... and he's not going to stop drinking. Even the thought of losing his wife and kids isn't slowing him down.
I don't want him. I don't want him. I keep repeating that over and over... but knowing he feels exactly the same f&*king sucks.
This is one of those moments that I hate him. And I'm completely okay feeling that right now.
P.S. I really, really, really want to go up and smack the $hit out of him right now. But by the grace of god, I'm not.
AH left a receipt out on the counter... somewhat of a "F*&K YOU!" to me... a sizeable bar tab, time stamped 1:30 am... from a college bar in the town he was in. This is on top of the whole him going out last week and picking up a girl at a bar.
I don't know why this is bothering me so much tonight. But it is. I'm in tears. I'm so disgusted by SEEING the confirmation of what I already suspected. He's an alcoholic... and he's not going to stop drinking. Even the thought of losing his wife and kids isn't slowing him down.
I don't want him. I don't want him. I keep repeating that over and over... but knowing he feels exactly the same f&*king sucks.
This is one of those moments that I hate him. And I'm completely okay feeling that right now.
P.S. I really, really, really want to go up and smack the $hit out of him right now. But by the grace of god, I'm not.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 362
GettingBy,
I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this. You need to know that you do not deserve this treatment. I don't know your story or your husband's, but you have to go with your gut instinct. It takes two to make a relationship work. And you need to realize that kids are our mirrors. They will reflect the environment in which they were raised. You need to make put them and yourself first and make sure that YOU are in a positive environment. Remember that you cannot change him, as you have seen. You can only change yourself. Trust me, it took me a lot to come to that realization. At this point the prospect of losing you and the kids is probably not even real to your husband because he knows you'll stay. Maybe a family member would help you and the kids?
I am so, so sorry you are experiencing this. You need to know that you do not deserve this treatment. I don't know your story or your husband's, but you have to go with your gut instinct. It takes two to make a relationship work. And you need to realize that kids are our mirrors. They will reflect the environment in which they were raised. You need to make put them and yourself first and make sure that YOU are in a positive environment. Remember that you cannot change him, as you have seen. You can only change yourself. Trust me, it took me a lot to come to that realization. At this point the prospect of losing you and the kids is probably not even real to your husband because he knows you'll stay. Maybe a family member would help you and the kids?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Remember this...
when they sabotage, what they are really doing is accepting that they are not going to change...and honestly, I think they feel very badly about it.
A lot of alcoholism is self-loathing.
Now...I am NOT saying pity him whatsoever!
I am saying, that when a person strikes to hurt you, just remember, it is THEM that is hurting...that is why they try to hurt you back.
You deal with your emotions in real-time...alcoholics don't. I think they lightly surf through them about 20 years later.
Your emotions are on-time, real, and will help you survive and stay real.
Him? Just more lashing out, zero progress.
Your very real tears will help you heal.
They are healthy! His lashing out isn't healthy! Remember who will be mentally healthy in the end.
when they sabotage, what they are really doing is accepting that they are not going to change...and honestly, I think they feel very badly about it.
A lot of alcoholism is self-loathing.
Now...I am NOT saying pity him whatsoever!
I am saying, that when a person strikes to hurt you, just remember, it is THEM that is hurting...that is why they try to hurt you back.
You deal with your emotions in real-time...alcoholics don't. I think they lightly surf through them about 20 years later.
Your emotions are on-time, real, and will help you survive and stay real.
Him? Just more lashing out, zero progress.
Your very real tears will help you heal.
They are healthy! His lashing out isn't healthy! Remember who will be mentally healthy in the end.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
There is a power higher than yourself that has brought you this moment for a reason.
I truly believe that.
So many times I felt this level misery with my XABF that I can't even place into words. Quite sad is the fact that I don't have to do that here anyway because you all know what it's like. You just don't think you have it in you to feel anything anymore. All our emotions sometimes blend into one big ache.
I believe a higher power than ourselves (nature, the force, God, Buddha et al) has to come in, and place something square in front of us that elicits a true visceral response from us to move us in the direction we need to go, otherwise, we might just gloss over it in our achy haze.
When I was on the verge of leaving my XABF, I would see a cute commercial or read something silly on the web and I would lose it in a fit of laughter. I would see a pile of soaked cigarette butts on the rug where he had knocked over a partially filled beer bottle he'd used as an ashtray, and I would become near homicidal from rage.
I remember regaining control of my senses by breathing deeply and saying out load that "HP is talking, stop and listen, what do I hear?" I would force myself to make note of what was triggering me and why. Why this time was the commercial so funny? Why this time the butts on the floor (yes it happened a lot) drove me insane?
Many times it was because I was becoming that numb person again and I needed a shake up. Other times it was because I needed reminding of why I was leaving. And even times I needed to practice my recovery tools and detach and let his behavior be his and not react to it. My emotion over the beer and butts was a lesson I wasn't letting go of stuff enough. My fit over the funny ad was a lesson that I needed more joy and laughter in my life and should actively seek it out daily.
You knew he was out.
You knew where.
You received a tangible poke with that receipt.
It's a test of your personal Emergency Recovery Broadcast System.
Dig deep. Use your tools.
Motivate yourself to move forward without sitting in this emotion if it's not helping you.
You can do this!!
Alice
I truly believe that.
So many times I felt this level misery with my XABF that I can't even place into words. Quite sad is the fact that I don't have to do that here anyway because you all know what it's like. You just don't think you have it in you to feel anything anymore. All our emotions sometimes blend into one big ache.
I believe a higher power than ourselves (nature, the force, God, Buddha et al) has to come in, and place something square in front of us that elicits a true visceral response from us to move us in the direction we need to go, otherwise, we might just gloss over it in our achy haze.
When I was on the verge of leaving my XABF, I would see a cute commercial or read something silly on the web and I would lose it in a fit of laughter. I would see a pile of soaked cigarette butts on the rug where he had knocked over a partially filled beer bottle he'd used as an ashtray, and I would become near homicidal from rage.
I remember regaining control of my senses by breathing deeply and saying out load that "HP is talking, stop and listen, what do I hear?" I would force myself to make note of what was triggering me and why. Why this time was the commercial so funny? Why this time the butts on the floor (yes it happened a lot) drove me insane?
Many times it was because I was becoming that numb person again and I needed a shake up. Other times it was because I needed reminding of why I was leaving. And even times I needed to practice my recovery tools and detach and let his behavior be his and not react to it. My emotion over the beer and butts was a lesson I wasn't letting go of stuff enough. My fit over the funny ad was a lesson that I needed more joy and laughter in my life and should actively seek it out daily.
You knew he was out.
You knew where.
You received a tangible poke with that receipt.
It's a test of your personal Emergency Recovery Broadcast System.
Dig deep. Use your tools.
Motivate yourself to move forward without sitting in this emotion if it's not helping you.
You can do this!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Hey girl,
You're doing great. Unload it all on here, instead of on him. That's kind of what he is looking for, I think. He will try to push your buttons as often as possible. I've learned to move my buttons... it's hard, but I know you can do it too.
Going out of their way to leave evidence is a tactic I have heard of before. Any way they can think of to hurt your feelings, prove that they are still doing what they want, with who they want. In their eyes it's simple. You doing what you are doing, (moving on with the divorce, your life, etc), is messin up his life. So his new aim in life will be to make you as miserable as possible while you are still there. The fact that you are doing so well with your recovery is obvious to him as well I bet, and god forbid someone be in the vicinity of an alcoholic and be happier than they are. They don't take that too well. It takes the focus off them. And that's what the receipt was, a tool to take the focus off you and put it back on him, what he's doing, who he's doing it with, etc.
The most awesome thing you could do is leave the receipt right where it is, and act like you didn't even see it. Even if he knows you did, the reaction is where he gets the satisfaction. Paste that smile on, remember what a beautiful day tomorrow is going to be, because it's one day closer to being where you want to be. Fake it til you make it, and eventually you won't have to fake it anymore.
You're doing great. Unload it all on here, instead of on him. That's kind of what he is looking for, I think. He will try to push your buttons as often as possible. I've learned to move my buttons... it's hard, but I know you can do it too.
Going out of their way to leave evidence is a tactic I have heard of before. Any way they can think of to hurt your feelings, prove that they are still doing what they want, with who they want. In their eyes it's simple. You doing what you are doing, (moving on with the divorce, your life, etc), is messin up his life. So his new aim in life will be to make you as miserable as possible while you are still there. The fact that you are doing so well with your recovery is obvious to him as well I bet, and god forbid someone be in the vicinity of an alcoholic and be happier than they are. They don't take that too well. It takes the focus off them. And that's what the receipt was, a tool to take the focus off you and put it back on him, what he's doing, who he's doing it with, etc.
The most awesome thing you could do is leave the receipt right where it is, and act like you didn't even see it. Even if he knows you did, the reaction is where he gets the satisfaction. Paste that smile on, remember what a beautiful day tomorrow is going to be, because it's one day closer to being where you want to be. Fake it til you make it, and eventually you won't have to fake it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
For me, when I would cry and get that angry, I learned it was more frustration than anything else.
I'm sure it didn't bother my A one way or the other, but I worked myself up into a tizzy..
The Serenity Prayer is your friend-some days I repeat it for as long as 5 minutes, until it sinks in.....
Good luck~
I'm sure it didn't bother my A one way or the other, but I worked myself up into a tizzy..
The Serenity Prayer is your friend-some days I repeat it for as long as 5 minutes, until it sinks in.....
Good luck~
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Southwest
Posts: 1,207
I'm sorry GB. Remember that this isn't NEW. It's just more of the same. I know there are obstacles to your leaving your home, but perhaps you can find a way to get him out? Like picking up that bartab and taking it to your lawyer as evidence that he isn't fit to be a good dad? or to live with you all while the divorce is pending? Collect it, honey.
I heard from a friend of XAH's last week by email and he talked about how much he respected me and how he and XH used to go out and smoke pot on the weekends and he felt sorry for me because he knew XH was keeping it from me...
I triggered HARD. I had to write myself a love letter to calm down. It isn't like I didn't know they each had a predilection for illicit substances. It's not like I didn;t know XH was a drunk and was lying to me. I KNEW all that. And I have been separated for almost two years and divorced for 6 months, so my need to know is over and my ability to DO anything about the past is gone.
But I had to actively talk myself off the ledge over confirmation of what I already knew. You will trigger. You are not backsliding. Be kind to yourself and be smart.
You are doing great.
I heard from a friend of XAH's last week by email and he talked about how much he respected me and how he and XH used to go out and smoke pot on the weekends and he felt sorry for me because he knew XH was keeping it from me...
I triggered HARD. I had to write myself a love letter to calm down. It isn't like I didn't know they each had a predilection for illicit substances. It's not like I didn;t know XH was a drunk and was lying to me. I KNEW all that. And I have been separated for almost two years and divorced for 6 months, so my need to know is over and my ability to DO anything about the past is gone.
But I had to actively talk myself off the ledge over confirmation of what I already knew. You will trigger. You are not backsliding. Be kind to yourself and be smart.
You are doing great.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 696
Revenge is not mine...
But never hurts to have some comedy...get a picture of you and him together.
Put cigarette burn holes thru his eye balls and leave it on the counter!!!
LAUGH it off, after you cry....He is not nice....
But never hurts to have some comedy...get a picture of you and him together.
Put cigarette burn holes thru his eye balls and leave it on the counter!!!
LAUGH it off, after you cry....He is not nice....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thanks... it is a trigger. A big one for me. After 10 years, I feel almost like I have shell-shock/PTSD. There are certain things he does that just set me off. I broke down and was sobbing loudly - it must have woken him up so he came down to see what was going on. I told him that I really couldn't keep living together. We had to figure out a way to live separately because bumping up against each other was hurting me too much.
The conversation went round and round (as it does with As), and kept swinging by me saying, "I don't want to live with the drinking anymore." He talked about how he really doesn't understand or agree with my decision for divorce... but again, he has no interest in stopping drinking. Okay then, see previous comment regarding I do not want to live with the drinking anymore. He's mad about my reactions to things (like the receipt, and him having "a drink or two" with clients after work)... he says I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I am, but my reactions are based on years of experience (not saying they are right or healthy)... and his feelings to my reactions... yada-yada-yada... the circle spins round and round. Which came first the egg or the chicken?
So I said to him, I'm working really hard on me but that continuing to live with the active drinking is making it difficult for me to stay focused on me. He, of course, disagrees but has no other good ideas to offer up.
There's nothing I can do to save this man. He wants to drink, and will continue to do so as long as his arms are working. He says he's made progress. "It's not as bad as it used to be. Can't you be happy with that?" No, I can't... because the drinking, while less frequent, is still causing problems, and now we have a new issue to go with it. And as long as he's "angry" and drinking... and not making any effort to recovery from those issues... there's a chance he could hurt me. He says I'm just being dramatic... I say I'm being realistic.
Ah, the dance.
I finished by saying, "I do love you. I know my actions don't show that right now, but I do. I just need to distance myself from you to protect me from getting hurt more." I burst into tears (for about the 100th time)... and he offered me a hug, for the first time in months. We hugged, and we cried. This whole situation is so unbelievably sad.
The conversation went round and round (as it does with As), and kept swinging by me saying, "I don't want to live with the drinking anymore." He talked about how he really doesn't understand or agree with my decision for divorce... but again, he has no interest in stopping drinking. Okay then, see previous comment regarding I do not want to live with the drinking anymore. He's mad about my reactions to things (like the receipt, and him having "a drink or two" with clients after work)... he says I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I am, but my reactions are based on years of experience (not saying they are right or healthy)... and his feelings to my reactions... yada-yada-yada... the circle spins round and round. Which came first the egg or the chicken?
So I said to him, I'm working really hard on me but that continuing to live with the active drinking is making it difficult for me to stay focused on me. He, of course, disagrees but has no other good ideas to offer up.
There's nothing I can do to save this man. He wants to drink, and will continue to do so as long as his arms are working. He says he's made progress. "It's not as bad as it used to be. Can't you be happy with that?" No, I can't... because the drinking, while less frequent, is still causing problems, and now we have a new issue to go with it. And as long as he's "angry" and drinking... and not making any effort to recovery from those issues... there's a chance he could hurt me. He says I'm just being dramatic... I say I'm being realistic.
Ah, the dance.
I finished by saying, "I do love you. I know my actions don't show that right now, but I do. I just need to distance myself from you to protect me from getting hurt more." I burst into tears (for about the 100th time)... and he offered me a hug, for the first time in months. We hugged, and we cried. This whole situation is so unbelievably sad.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
Did you say earlier that going to your parents was an option? As you've pointed out to me, living in the same space with one's AH is going to make serenity and focus on yourself a LOT harder...
I am so sorry you are hurting and I know soooo well the dangling of evidence to see if it will elicit a reaction. And the feeling of hurting bc you know that they're never going to chose us over the disease.
Can you do something about your living situation? Sorry if you've already answered this and I'm forgetting.
I am so sorry you are hurting and I know soooo well the dangling of evidence to see if it will elicit a reaction. And the feeling of hurting bc you know that they're never going to chose us over the disease.
Can you do something about your living situation? Sorry if you've already answered this and I'm forgetting.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by GettingBy 
I'm hungover today. Engaging him is my drug of choice. And its so unhealthy for me.
I need to get away from him, soon.
I need to get away from him, soon.
But once I've sunk my claws into something - it is so hard to let it go. Argh! I feel your frustration this morning.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
GB - It is so hard when the emotional stuff hits. It happened to me yesterday at my parents 50th wedding anniversary. My sister gave me the card to sign and out of no where I started to get tearing eyed. I always have signed the card with everyones name on it him, me and the girls and I signed my name and the girls. I gave the card back and went to the bathroom to compose myself. Later on, I realized it is going to be normal to have these moments. I have been signing cards and presents for 20 years with all our names on it.
To boot, my brother announced his engagement! So I was at a celebration of a 50th Wedding Anniversary and an engagement. Talk about an emotiinal moment. Don't worry, you will get through these moments and keep the try and keep the focus on your new life. The one that is out of CRAZYTOWN and in PEACEFULTOWN! We will all get there and look back on this tuff year and be proud of ourselves for creating a better life for ourselves.
To boot, my brother announced his engagement! So I was at a celebration of a 50th Wedding Anniversary and an engagement. Talk about an emotiinal moment. Don't worry, you will get through these moments and keep the try and keep the focus on your new life. The one that is out of CRAZYTOWN and in PEACEFULTOWN! We will all get there and look back on this tuff year and be proud of ourselves for creating a better life for ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
Originally Posted by GettingBy
I'm hungover today. Engaging him is my drug of choice. And its so unhealthy for me.
I need to get away from him, soon.
I need to get away from him, soon.
You, my dear-are a very intelligent lady...
You'll get there-this shows you are well on your way..
I have always said my A was my addiction-I still am addicted to him but really working hard on it. Haven't seen him in 2 months, but still have the occasional e-mails.
It's very hard.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I'm no doctor...
...nor am I a hypochondriac, but I'm fairly sharp and I believe many "survivors" of alcoholic relationships such as you and I, in fact, do have PTSD. Heck, just read a little about it and it's not hard to come up with the diagnosis. Just spending your life waiting for the other shoe to drop (bomb to explode) will get you there, much less the other ******** that comes along with it.
I got to the point where she could do insane and catastrophic **** and I'd barely feel it at the time. Like when she set the kitchen on fire and did $80,000 worth of damage to the house. Like when she totaled my classic 1972 Mercedes 280SE, drove drunk many times with our young daughter in the car, accused me of being gay because I didn't want to screw her drunk ass, made up an imaginary "Irish" boyfriend in an attempt to make me feel jealous (which worked and is how I found out he didn't actually exist-- damn she put a lot of work into that-- and why Irish? French would have pissed me off way more), or when I found 52 empty wine bottles in an upstairs closet.
Good God, this quick list is just the tip of the iceberg!
Yeah, it's possible you are suffering from affects that can be attributed to PTSD. That said, only a doctor could tell you for sure.
You take care GB.
Cyranoak
P.s. Guck that fuy.
I got to the point where she could do insane and catastrophic **** and I'd barely feel it at the time. Like when she set the kitchen on fire and did $80,000 worth of damage to the house. Like when she totaled my classic 1972 Mercedes 280SE, drove drunk many times with our young daughter in the car, accused me of being gay because I didn't want to screw her drunk ass, made up an imaginary "Irish" boyfriend in an attempt to make me feel jealous (which worked and is how I found out he didn't actually exist-- damn she put a lot of work into that-- and why Irish? French would have pissed me off way more), or when I found 52 empty wine bottles in an upstairs closet.
Good God, this quick list is just the tip of the iceberg!
Yeah, it's possible you are suffering from affects that can be attributed to PTSD. That said, only a doctor could tell you for sure.
You take care GB.
Cyranoak
P.s. Guck that fuy.
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Thanks... it is a trigger. A big one for me. After 10 years, I feel almost like I have shell-shock/PTSD. There are certain things he does that just set me off. I broke down and was sobbing loudly - it must have woken him up so he came down to see what was going on. I told him that I really couldn't keep living together. We had to figure out a way to live separately because bumping up against each other was hurting me too much.
The conversation went round and round (as it does with As), and kept swinging by me saying, "I don't want to live with the drinking anymore." He talked about how he really doesn't understand or agree with my decision for divorce... but again, he has no interest in stopping drinking. Okay then, see previous comment regarding I do not want to live with the drinking anymore. He's mad about my reactions to things (like the receipt, and him having "a drink or two" with clients after work)... he says I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I am, but my reactions are based on years of experience (not saying they are right or healthy)... and his feelings to my reactions... yada-yada-yada... the circle spins round and round. Which came first the egg or the chicken?
So I said to him, I'm working really hard on me but that continuing to live with the active drinking is making it difficult for me to stay focused on me. He, of course, disagrees but has no other good ideas to offer up.
There's nothing I can do to save this man. He wants to drink, and will continue to do so as long as his arms are working. He says he's made progress. "It's not as bad as it used to be. Can't you be happy with that?" No, I can't... because the drinking, while less frequent, is still causing problems, and now we have a new issue to go with it. And as long as he's "angry" and drinking... and not making any effort to recovery from those issues... there's a chance he could hurt me. He says I'm just being dramatic... I say I'm being realistic.
Ah, the dance.
I finished by saying, "I do love you. I know my actions don't show that right now, but I do. I just need to distance myself from you to protect me from getting hurt more." I burst into tears (for about the 100th time)... and he offered me a hug, for the first time in months. We hugged, and we cried. This whole situation is so unbelievably sad.
The conversation went round and round (as it does with As), and kept swinging by me saying, "I don't want to live with the drinking anymore." He talked about how he really doesn't understand or agree with my decision for divorce... but again, he has no interest in stopping drinking. Okay then, see previous comment regarding I do not want to live with the drinking anymore. He's mad about my reactions to things (like the receipt, and him having "a drink or two" with clients after work)... he says I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I am, but my reactions are based on years of experience (not saying they are right or healthy)... and his feelings to my reactions... yada-yada-yada... the circle spins round and round. Which came first the egg or the chicken?
So I said to him, I'm working really hard on me but that continuing to live with the active drinking is making it difficult for me to stay focused on me. He, of course, disagrees but has no other good ideas to offer up.
There's nothing I can do to save this man. He wants to drink, and will continue to do so as long as his arms are working. He says he's made progress. "It's not as bad as it used to be. Can't you be happy with that?" No, I can't... because the drinking, while less frequent, is still causing problems, and now we have a new issue to go with it. And as long as he's "angry" and drinking... and not making any effort to recovery from those issues... there's a chance he could hurt me. He says I'm just being dramatic... I say I'm being realistic.
Ah, the dance.
I finished by saying, "I do love you. I know my actions don't show that right now, but I do. I just need to distance myself from you to protect me from getting hurt more." I burst into tears (for about the 100th time)... and he offered me a hug, for the first time in months. We hugged, and we cried. This whole situation is so unbelievably sad.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
