GettingBy

Good god is right. You know that's exactly it... when I make a list of all the chaos and incidents... it's NO surprise to me that I react/act the way I do. The only one who's surprised by it is my AH. He gets pissed off that I can't just "let things go." And for a while, I really thought, "Yeah, he's right... Let go and let god." The problem, on our side of the street is... I think working to "let go" of the unacceptable behavior lead me straight into denial. Right where he wanted me to be. I should have been spending more time on my boundaries, and less time being the peacekeeper. I guess I just really wanted a marriage til death do us part so I was willing to bend over backwards to make that happen.

But all of those 'events' have left their mark on my pysche - particularly the first 4 years of our relationship that I didn't have Al-anon so I developed some very unhealthy coping mechanisms. I have Al-anon now, and have learned healthier behaviors... And for a while, I'm did just let it go, and let him keep drinking and dragging me along his wild ride.

Not anymore.

I don't like what the drinking has done to me as a person. I don't like the things it triggers in me. I'm a better person than those behaviors. I don't like feeling those things. I like working my recovery program, and I HATE how hard he is working to pull me back in to his drama.

You know Cyranoak, I think its wonderful that you and your wife have divorced, she found recovery, and you were able to reconcile. That's cool, so cool. For a time, I hoped that for my marriage. I don't anymore. I just hope for me.

I don't want him to change anything... except his address.

P.S. I had a long day on the road yesterday, and pulled an all-nighter for a design project... so pardon me if I'm snarky.

LS2

The twists, the lies, and the manipulations. This stuff is hard to deal with, your doing good work though! Hang in there.

Buffalo66

I don't like what the drinking has done to me as a person. I don't like the things it triggers in me. I'm a better person than those behaviors. I don't like feeling those things. I like working my recovery program, and I HATE how hard he is working to pull me back in to his drama.


This is where I got into alanon, and SR. It just did not seem worth it anymore to be spiritually, morally, and ethically unrecognizable to myself for someone elses denial of a disease. I had become a shell of my true self.


You know Cyranoak, I think its wonderful that you and your wife have divorced, she found recovery, and you were able to reconcile. That's cool, so cool. For a time, I hoped that for my marriage. I don't anymore. I just hope for me.


I wonder if she found recovery because he DID start hoping just for him, because he DID let go. And that cant be the goal, but, you have no where else to go inside of how things are right now, crying alone, sharing a hug with the person you love, but who wont make a change to save himself...It is sometimes worse than being physically alone. I know that feeling.

Buffalo66

I don't like what the drinking has done to me as a person. I don't like the things it triggers in me. I'm a better person than those behaviors. I don't like feeling those things. I like working my recovery program, and I HATE how hard he is working to pull me back in to his drama.


This is where I got into alanon, and SR. It just did not seem worth it anymore to be spiritually, morally, and ethically unrecognizable to myself for someone elses denial of a disease. I had become a shell of my true self.


You know Cyranoak, I think its wonderful that you and your wife have divorced, she found recovery, and you were able to reconcile. That's cool, so cool. For a time, I hoped that for my marriage. I don't anymore. I just hope for me.


I wonder if she found recovery because he DID start hoping just for him, because he DID let go. And that cant be the goal, but, you have no where else to go inside of how things are right now, crying alone, sharing a hug with the person you love, but who wont make a change to save himself...It is sometimes worse than being physically alone. I know that feeling.

Buffalo66

I am not quite sure why that double posted...sorry

GettingBy

She probably did... and I think I'd be lying if I said that somewhere inside me a little voice isn't still saying, "Maybe, just maybe this divorce will get him to his bottom." I hear that voice, but I gently respond... "And maybe it won't, but at least I will have ended the chaos for me and the kids."

I want sooo badly for him to hit bottom. But by working my Al-anon program, I now know that it's not going to happen on my schedule, but his HP's.

It's so hard to love them... and know that you have to let them go.

He's so certain that I'm leaving because there's another man waiting in the wings. That's his denial, and it's sad.

JACKRUSSELLGIRL

GB - Mine is saying the other man waiting in the wings too. This pisses me off and I know I shouldn't react but it is one thing that is hard for me.

I have been faithful for 25 years and there is no one waiting in the wings. How do you react to it? I try to keep saying "No, alcohol is breaking us up and nothing else".

wanttobehealthy

When I first spoke to AH about a therapeutic separation early this fall (when I believed his quacking that he was on board with me on the 'we are both going to work separately on our own issues before we can address our couple issues') he was gung ho until he realized I was serious.

Then I started getting insinuations and outright accusations of having emotional affairs with other men. Friends he'd had no issue with me spending time with were suddenly the "cause" of my wanting to separate and he ranted about how I was in no shape to be a part of a new relationship...

Then when the anger subsided the pity party started (and I bought into it) with him began and he started saying things like "I long for that connection we used to have and I feel like you've developed that with someone else". And stupid me spent precious hours trying to soothe him and convince him that I wasn't connecting with anyone else or finding romantic support elsewhere. I did tell him that I was finding support for myself for my issues with al anon and that I did reach out to friends and would continue to do so to deal with MY feelings and issues, not his. (this is around the same time I actually told the family "secret" to a few people and found support as a result).

nodaybut2day

The infidelity accusations always made me so mad, or perhaps "frustrated", because it was a clear redirection to a supposed fault of mine. It kept XAH from examining his own behaviour, God forbid, and placed the blame for all sorts of imagined misdeeds squarely on my shoulders. In the beginning, I used to take the accusations because I felt I deserved them. In the past, right before I was with XAH, I *was* unfaithful to my partners. Heck, XAH and I met at a swingers' party. So I let him use those past mistakes against me and kept trying to convince him over and over that I was good, faithful and true. Ironically enough, after years of being unfaithful to my partners when I wanted out but didn't have the balls to break it off, I was totally and completely faithful to XAH who spent the entire relationship accusing me of infidelity.

GettingBy

Well, the conversation went like this:

AH: "Who is he? Who's the guy you are leaving me for because me and everyone I talked to can't understand why you'd leave me... so there must be someone else."
Me: "There's no one else. I'm leaving you because I don't want to be around the drinking and all the other behavior that goes with it anymore. I don't like how that behavior makes me feel and the way it makes me act. It's unhealthy for me, and makes it harder for me to work on my stuff. Did you tell them the whole truth about what's going on?"
AH: "I told them about Delaware, but they all said you're being unreasonable. I'm a great guy, a good job, have given you all this stuff and we just can't understand why you don't want to be with me."
Me: "Would you want to live with someone who could give you a 4 week silent treatment?"
AH: "But you upset me and I don't like to talk."

Uh, yeah... that was about the time I went back to... "This isn't working for me. These conversations go no where so I'm going to walk away now." (I should have said it earlier in the conversation... progress, not perfection!)


He has his "committee" supporting his cause, and I have mine. I have yet to talk to one single person that has told me I'm making a mistake. Time after time the answer I get is - "Wow! You did a great job of hiding all that. I had no clue. Good for you - you'll never regret this."

WTBH - I had a similiar response from my AH when I started the divorce conversations about 2 months ago. I said, "Yeah, I think we should seperate and go work on our stuff individually." He played right along, until he realized I meant business... and hired an attorney. Then it was no more Mr. Nice Guy.

It's eerie to stand back and "see" how the dance is changing... and see how he's reacting. He really wants me to just change back so life can "go back to normal!"

Sorry pal, Normal's a setting on a washer... not life.

coffeedrinker

oh, sweetie.

these realizations come to us in waves, i think.

there's layers of stuff, and it take layers of washin to get clean of it.

you aren't slipping, you're reacting because of someone who makes no sense and makes you crazy. just need to get away.

abandonment always feels rotten. it goes to our core.

i hope peace finds you soon

wanttobehealthy

Getting By- You know, for years I've felt like my AH wanted this too. Intuitively, before al anon before I realized he was even an alcoholic, I felt like the reason he reacted to anything outside of the status quo was bc the status quo, miserable as it could be, served his needs somehow. I remember being stupid enough to point this out to him- many a time- and you can imagine how well that went over. It's crazy to me that I've known this- what you describe above- was what was going on in my marriage for years and yet I pushed it out of my mind and tried like mad to make the problem be me. Tried to turn myself into what he wanted. What a collosal waste of time... And I am glad that you and I and so many others figured out it was time to get off this ride (all in different stages of getting off but getting off nonetheless) when we did. Better now than never right?

What I am thinking about a lot lately is wanting to give my D's a chance at none of this chaos in their lives. I want to create a home environment that is nurturing and the antithesis of what I grew up with, what AH grew up and frankly what it's been like in our own home together for too long. When I think about the future and all the unknown I feel happy oddly enough bc even though I have no clue what will happen with my job plans or marriage at this moment I know that whatever I choose to do it will be the healthy choice for my D's and I and we are going to have a great life no matter what!

pixilation

Dang, and here I thought I was the only "cheater" around.

I can see the changes in him too, now that I'm not reacting as strongly to him compared to how it used to be. He keeps trying different things, to get me to react.