drowninginair

i need help. i have bben browsing and lurking on this site fro months my first post. quick history to get to the nitty grittyi have been lmarried to an alcoholic for ten plus years and im only 30. i have 3 children i am successful and put myself through nursing school with young children and large amounts of stress. My husband is an amazing man and an amazing father minus the drinking. he is not an alcoholic that drinks frequently but when he drinks he doesnt know when to stop. last saturday i took my kids to a farm and he must have seen this as a few hours to be unsupervised and drinks massive amounts of alcohol. when i came home i was furious and started screaming where were you? wtf why are you so drunk at 5pm. then starts him where the eff were you next thing i know im being dragged to a staircase laid on top of strangled and choking banging my head. my kids were crying pulling him off me. then he started throwing things and my daughter was accidentlly hit in the hand and sustained an abrasion. i picked up my kids went to the precint and got his butt arrested with restraining orders against all of us. how can i allow a man to attack me in front of my daughters and think its okay. they have seen this happen 5-6 times and i have had it. my problem is i miss him terribly. i feel like its hard to breathe. i love him soo much. im afraid hes going tohurt himself because he feels hopeless. its been 9 days. he has done bizarre things to me in past like dragging me into a shower and shutting off fuse box and locking basement so i cant turn power back on. i think he has deep psychological problems. but i also harass him and call him constantly(in past not now) because im so scared he's drinking i try to control his comings and goings and have become obessessed with his dialy movements. im addicted to him. i need strength not to call him

Bolina

Welcome to SR, drowninginair.

I am sorry that he is doing this to you. This is not your fault. I understand why you feel thatit is your job to help him, but the reality is that you need to preserve your energies to keep yourself and your children safe. This is not about drink, he is doing this because he is an abusive man. An amazing husband and father does not do this to his family.

Please call 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) which is the dv hotline and they should be able to put you in touch with some local resources to help you through this.

(((hugs)))

barb dwyer

hello DIA, and welcome to SR.

I'm so glad you've found us!

what you're describing is very very hard to try and
tough out all by yourself.

I can first suggest to you that you find an
Alanon group in your area -
you need support in real life as well as online.

Online, SR is a wonderful WONDERFUL bridge
to get us through
while we seek answers.

I think the stickies have a link
that you can find a meeting in your area.


I can tell from reading your post
that you're stronger than you think.

I'm glad you're here.

Now you're not alone.

Welcome.

drowninginair

thanks i still feel like if i didnt always "bother" him and "call" him and try to keep him away from drinking and kept my mouth shut like some big freaken idiot this would not have happened. i went to the DA's office tuesday and signed the complaint. and sought counseling for my kids. new beginnings, if the right choice were the easy choice i guess their wouldnt be so many unhapy people

suki44883

Please get yourself and your children out of there. Call the domestic violence hotline 1−800−799−7233. They can help you get away safely. This man is a wife beater and you are not safe around him.

Bolina

How many times have you choked someone because they were bothering you, drowninginair? How many times has your husband beat up his boss for bothering him? Or a store clerk? Or the postman?

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

And you are taking some great steps to protect you all. Please call the number.

suki44883

No child should have to grow up in a home with violence. I'm sorry you miss him, but your children's well-being is your responsibility. They can't make the decision to stay away from him, but you can make that decision for them, and you should. This man is dangerous and given the chance, he will do the same things to you again.

wanttobehealthy

Is there a Domestic Violence resource in your community? I bet that you could talk to a counselor there - or a hotline even - and they could listen and help. I read your post and it reads like a textbook case of a battered spouse. You know he's treating you abusively but you still love him. I'm so sorry you're hurting and your kids have had to be a part of the horrors you describe as well. You're very strong and brave for going to the police and getting a r/o and as much as you might want to contact him, each day away will help you feel stronger.

I have been very close to being in your shoes and as odd as it sounds, the BEST thing that happened (in a sick sort of way) was my H being arrested for DV this winter and there being a no contact order placed on him for 5 weeks. Those 5 weeks gave me space to think and see things more clearly and though I have a LONNNNNG way to go, the time away this winter was the stepping point for starting to change. I think you're at that stepping point too. Post here a lot and pm me if you want to talk...

StarCat

Good for you!
I know it is difficult. You are doing the right thing.
You are standing up for your children, and yourself, and you are proving to yourself what a strong person you really are, even if you don't feel strong.
Keep doing the right thing. Keep looking out for the safety of yourself and your children.
It's not your fault.
You deserve better.
And you're not alone.


Also, a thread you might want to consider reading:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-chapters.html

MsCooterBrown

DIA...I don't care what you have to do don't call him. This cr@p just escalates..I know the cycle..I lived through 3 rounds before I got out. I had to go to court with a broken nose..2 black eyes..Bruises all over my body from getting slammed into a wall. I know it is easy to blame the rage on the alcohol. BUT that is not it..it is deep seeded and you will never figure it out. At least I quit trying. I went thru this for 25 yrs. We divorced..got back together TWICE..The remorse and apology..I love you it will NEVER happen again. My @ss..I got out because this is something that never changes. This was the LAST time and I am telling you about it because he will hurt you. I never thought it would EVER get to this level..No contact will do wonders for you. Once you are OUTSIDE of it you may be able to see it as it is. And mine NEVER did it in front of my daughters..I think he knew they would go @peshit. BUT they got to see me in the ER with project safe people and this was bad..we all cried. They were both in high school and I will never know what it did to them. I had kept this pretty much to myself. Don't let him suck you back in. GET OUT AND STAY OUT! If you need help Project Safe is all over the U.S....I had a restraining order as well. Do what you have to do. Only when I got out did I begin to see this for what it was. A beater is a beater drunk or sober. Please keep us posted. I care.

MsCooterBrown

I feel humiliation just posting that. It is so obvious once you get out and are looking back. I want you OUT of it.

passionfruit

Honey, your post makes me cry.

I have been where you are.

You have made good choices recently. You need to make some more.

1. Get to as many alanon meetings as you can. I promise, they will help you find your way. I can see by your post that you are a ball of emotional fire right now. Alanon will help YOU through that.

2. Get Lundy Bancroft's book "Why does he do that?" It will open your eyes and mind. It will give you strength, you have not had before.

3. Call your local Domestic Violence hotline. They will give you 2 things that are invaluable. Counseling and a place to hide in the event he shows up. Even if it is only a temporary stay until he gets sober from a binge. It gives you an alternative to staying and waiting if you suspect he is in the process of losing it. We both know he is capable.

4. Stay on here with us and be honest. You are going to fall down sometimes. It is okay. We understand because we, ourselves, have done it. We will give you as much support as we can here. Believe me, it makes a big difference having people who have been there on your side.

I am so glad you have reached your breaking point. It probably has saved your life and protected your children as well.

We care.

passionfruit

NO need for that. Many have been here and done this including me.

Hindsight is 20/20 even for those who have not been through this.

So give yourself a break. Your honesty will help those who are where we were.

They never start out this mean. You know that. It is a lure, a trap. The best of us fall for the sugar.

passionfruit

Very good reply...I love this..........

japabp2000

Hello Drowninginair. Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry you had to seek us out, but I am glad that you found us. I am fairly new here, but I can tell you that everyone here is so helpful and have been through the same or similar things as you have been. Listen to them sweetie, they know what they are talking about and they know that it will only get worse as alcoholism is a progressive disease. You and your children deserve soooooo much better!! I know how it feels to love an alcoholic. Love is blind so they say, but please stay strong and stick to your guns. Do not contact him or give him a "invitation" to weasel his way back in. Detach yourself and your children from that toxic environment. Bless you. ((((((Hugs)))))))

drowninginair

i cant begin to tell all of you how your threads are comforting. Not that you have lived through it; but that it has affirmed my decision to end this. I know in my heart deep down that it will only get worse. my son is two and he still has time to become a normal man if in the righ tenviroment. my daughters will be starting therapy and although they haven't witnessed much they have seen more than any normal child has. I am going to my first al-anon meeting tomorrow night. i love in nyc so there is no lack of local resources. I am praying for all of us(in my non-religous kind of way.) reading everyone's threads i have seen that alcohol abusers seek out very intelligent women its amazing that we get wrapped into their sickness. here's to a healthy YOU and ME. much love

MsCooterBrown

Your post made the hair on my arms stand up. I will be thinking of you. I am so glad you are not in some remote area..I know you will be fine now.

drowninginair

thanks your thread response was enlightening. i have been blind to the escalation. it started years ago as screaming in my face 1cm away spit spewing on me to punching walls to breaking furniture to grabbing to pushing now choking god knows what is next. dont forget about the verbal abuse of "you must have someone else, why else would you just leave" or " go eff your other boyfriend" or " your other boyfrined is better than me bc he is addicted to prescription pills and those arent bad because a doctor prescribes them,right?" omg the insanity i lived with!!!!!!!!!this poor mythical man who was addicted to pills that i was leavingmy AH for its funny in a sick twisted way

brokenheartfool

Yeah, I know that kind of humor...and I am wishing for the day that will come when you have a man that gives you truly funny things to laugh about, you know, the honest things in life that give you a belly laugh, instead of that sinking feeling laugh in order not to cry laugh.

You are making the right decision!

kittykitty

SO glad you are here, and so glad you found an Alanon meeting to go to.
You didn't cause this
You can't control it
You can't cure it.

I too know the addiction of loving an alcoholic. It is so hard to leave them behind, especially when they are quacking at you about it. Don't let anyone judge how you live your precious life, and the decisions you make, including him. Know that the things he says stem from the anger, disgust, and discontentment he holds for himself. They are not a reflection on you in any way, shape, or form.

Keep coming back, we care and want to know how you are doing!