New to this
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 5
New to this
Hello all - I joined recently because my boyfriend recently stopped drinking and has been sober for 6 months, which he started his sobriety 2 weeks before we started dating and I'm so proud of him. We had been friends for a year plus beforehand and have gone from socially drinking as friends to dating and sobriety, it has been a small struggle for me and all I want to do is be supportive and understanding. Any time that I express my support he compares me to his ex saying she never would have done anything like this, she just didn't care. I know he's over her but she obviously hurt him deeply by not being supportive - does anyone else deal with something similar to this? It offends me to be compared to her constantly even though it's her in the negative light. Also, I wanted to ask about junk food. He is constantly eating junk food.. constantly and I know it's his carb cravings - getting up in the middle of the night and eating sweets - goes through 21 large cookies from Costco in 1 day. I'm just concerned he's going to pick up and continue these eating habits. I don't want to offend him by saying something because he has so much going through his head already..so thought it best to inquire on here. And any other information you wouldn't mind providing in terms of supporting him and being there for him and keeping my own balance at the same time. Thank you for reading..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 5
Also, to add - I still drink here and there and he says he doesn't mind. I've never been much of a drinker but it's nice to have one or two.. I try not to drink too much around him b/c I feel guilty.. should I feel this way?
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
sweets can help with the craving,
says right in the BB
sometimes it becomes a crutch
but it's better at first to get the other monkey
off our backs before trying to unload the whole circus.
Second,
if I had someone I deeply cared for
and they suddenly found out they
could never have lobster or shellfish again
I ... just out of respect for that
I would not order shellfish
in front of them
knowing how they miss it.
That's just the kind of person I am.
I'm feeling a little ...
thorn in the thread of carbohydrate concern
that might not be the healthiest approach
to a relationship with either an alcoholic
or with anyone in fact.
Have you read about or considered a program for yourself, maybe?
Like alanon?
When our A's get so far into their disease
we don't realize how much of their choice making
we step in and do for them.
Then when they're sober
suddenly we don't have to do that any more
and we start picking on other things they're doing
because we're used it.
Alanon helps us find a way
to unravel that behavior
and let them make their own choices
while remaining
in the center of our own.
I hope you'll check it out.
says right in the BB
sometimes it becomes a crutch
but it's better at first to get the other monkey
off our backs before trying to unload the whole circus.
Second,
if I had someone I deeply cared for
and they suddenly found out they
could never have lobster or shellfish again
I ... just out of respect for that
I would not order shellfish
in front of them
knowing how they miss it.
That's just the kind of person I am.
I'm feeling a little ...
thorn in the thread of carbohydrate concern
that might not be the healthiest approach
to a relationship with either an alcoholic
or with anyone in fact.
Have you read about or considered a program for yourself, maybe?
Like alanon?
When our A's get so far into their disease
we don't realize how much of their choice making
we step in and do for them.
Then when they're sober
suddenly we don't have to do that any more
and we start picking on other things they're doing
because we're used it.
Alanon helps us find a way
to unravel that behavior
and let them make their own choices
while remaining
in the center of our own.
I hope you'll check it out.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
1. The fact that you are his gf and he's talking about his ex gf a lot seems like a red flag to me. Is he looking for a gf or for someone to comfort him while he struggles with giving up an addiction? It sounds like he's not sure which one he wants and my two cents is that the latter is not a healthy thing...
2. You have nothing to feel guilty about if you want to have a drink. You are not responsible for how he feels anymore than he is responsible for how you feel. If it makes him uncomfortable then he can a) choose to not be around you when you drink or b) talk to you about it. It is co-depenendent and not especially healthy in my estimation to feel that you need to change yourself to make your bf feel better. That's a slippery slope (that I have slid to the bottom of many a time!)
3. Your concern about his eating is kind but I imagine that saying something to him about it probably wouldn't go over all that well. But then again I don't know him. I can't see eating that many cookies doing anything healthy for him (sugar crash, pre-diabetes risks depending on his family history, lethargy etc...) but if that's his coping tool for not drinking and he thinks that is healthier, then so be it.
Is he going to AA or involved in anything recovery related? Do you guys work out together or have any healthy activities you like to share? Maybe you could suggest doing something active together? I imagine that would help his health and his mood.
2. You have nothing to feel guilty about if you want to have a drink. You are not responsible for how he feels anymore than he is responsible for how you feel. If it makes him uncomfortable then he can a) choose to not be around you when you drink or b) talk to you about it. It is co-depenendent and not especially healthy in my estimation to feel that you need to change yourself to make your bf feel better. That's a slippery slope (that I have slid to the bottom of many a time!)
3. Your concern about his eating is kind but I imagine that saying something to him about it probably wouldn't go over all that well. But then again I don't know him. I can't see eating that many cookies doing anything healthy for him (sugar crash, pre-diabetes risks depending on his family history, lethargy etc...) but if that's his coping tool for not drinking and he thinks that is healthier, then so be it.
Is he going to AA or involved in anything recovery related? Do you guys work out together or have any healthy activities you like to share? Maybe you could suggest doing something active together? I imagine that would help his health and his mood.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
I too don't think it's your place to bring up his unhealthy eating habits. They do often do some substituting -- there are real live cravings going on.
At the risk of being adversarial, I would ask why is this man dating someone after two weeks of sobriety? As far as I can see, that's the red flag here.
Him comparing you to his ex is similar to me comparing my current BF to my previous. The amount of kindness and engagement with Current, is over-the-top compared to my two priors. I am constantly grateful. But...I don't tell him that - other than when we were first getting to know one another.
I would say that if it bothers you, simply tell him. You can come up with a non-judgmental way to say that. He surely doesn't know.
and...
I welcome you to this forum. There are a ton of great folks that hang out on this site.
At the risk of being adversarial, I would ask why is this man dating someone after two weeks of sobriety? As far as I can see, that's the red flag here.
Him comparing you to his ex is similar to me comparing my current BF to my previous. The amount of kindness and engagement with Current, is over-the-top compared to my two priors. I am constantly grateful. But...I don't tell him that - other than when we were first getting to know one another.
I would say that if it bothers you, simply tell him. You can come up with a non-judgmental way to say that. He surely doesn't know.
and...
I welcome you to this forum. There are a ton of great folks that hang out on this site.
Being Honest with each other!!! Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
during the few times that my XAH wasn't drinking he ate sweets constantly! I think it's because most booze has a lot of sugar, so their bodies are craving it. Generally if I had an inkling that he was drinking again but not 100% sure, I would be 100% when I realized that he wasn't eating sweets anymore!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL,
I've heard of partners counting how much the alcoholic is drinking, but never counting cookies!
I'm not sure why he started dating somebody two weeks into his recovery--generally that is a very bad idea.
I agree that you should check into Al-Anon. Early sobriety can be a pretty tumultuous time, and it would probably do you some good.
I wouldn't drink around him until he is solid enough in his recovery that it doesn't bother him. Even if he says right now that it doesn't, I'd avoid it for awhile. You can go out with friends for a drink or something, but no need to be in his face about it.
And, yes, the cookies and sweets are a great help in the beginning. I gained 20 pounds the first few months of sobriety, but I'm finally taking them off again.
I've heard of partners counting how much the alcoholic is drinking, but never counting cookies!
I'm not sure why he started dating somebody two weeks into his recovery--generally that is a very bad idea.
I agree that you should check into Al-Anon. Early sobriety can be a pretty tumultuous time, and it would probably do you some good.
I wouldn't drink around him until he is solid enough in his recovery that it doesn't bother him. Even if he says right now that it doesn't, I'd avoid it for awhile. You can go out with friends for a drink or something, but no need to be in his face about it.
And, yes, the cookies and sweets are a great help in the beginning. I gained 20 pounds the first few months of sobriety, but I'm finally taking them off again.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
I have lost most interest in drinking since being involved with someone in recovery. It brings up too much 'stuff' when I order a drink.. but maybe an ocassional glass of wine but I wouldn't with him around, not in early recovery especially.
As for the cookies and sweets, I'd encourage him to ask his AA sponsor or folks from his program, they'd have a better idea.
Being supportive is awesome. But supporting at a distance is healthier for both of you. Meaning, I stay away from the details of the RABF recovery unless he tells me. And if he did have something like the cookie issue crop up, and he had questions about it, again I'd encouarge him to talk to someone else in recovery.
Be supportive but let him stand on his own two feet
As for the cookies and sweets, I'd encourage him to ask his AA sponsor or folks from his program, they'd have a better idea.
Being supportive is awesome. But supporting at a distance is healthier for both of you. Meaning, I stay away from the details of the RABF recovery unless he tells me. And if he did have something like the cookie issue crop up, and he had questions about it, again I'd encouarge him to talk to someone else in recovery.
Be supportive but let him stand on his own two feet
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: carolina girl
Posts: 578
Not sure I understand when his ex had the chance to be supportive. He was only sober for two weeks before he started dating you, was he still with her during those two weeks? How was she "not supportive"? Was she trying to convince him to drink? What are you doing differently than her that makes him say these things?
I think that any form of constant comparison to ex is manipulation. It seems like he is over-emphasizing your role in his recovery. As another member said, it's normal to internally compare those we see to others we have been with, but to repeat it aloud on a regular basis, he's trying to convince you of something. Almost like if he assures you enough that you are important to his recovery, it lessens your chances of going anywhere. That is my knee jerk reaction talking, simply because I have been there, and heard the "can't do it without you" speech. Just my experience.
I also agree with the others, about being in a relationship so soon after starting recovery. Something doesn't seem right.
Keep posting, we're glad you're here!
I think that any form of constant comparison to ex is manipulation. It seems like he is over-emphasizing your role in his recovery. As another member said, it's normal to internally compare those we see to others we have been with, but to repeat it aloud on a regular basis, he's trying to convince you of something. Almost like if he assures you enough that you are important to his recovery, it lessens your chances of going anywhere. That is my knee jerk reaction talking, simply because I have been there, and heard the "can't do it without you" speech. Just my experience.
I also agree with the others, about being in a relationship so soon after starting recovery. Something doesn't seem right.
Keep posting, we're glad you're here!
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