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what is your definition of detachment?

Old 04-14-2011, 12:44 PM
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what is your definition of detachment?

So my boyfriend who is in AA wants to know what detachment means, so my answer was, ok, you know how you said you wanted a bike? ok well 2 months ago it would have been operation get that boy a bike! I would have scoured craigslist, been texting you pictures of bikes, and setup going out to look at a few, now I say to myself, if he wants a bike, hell go get himself a bike and i leave it at that lol.

Then I looked it up in the Al-anon book and they said it was separating the person from the disease, to say ok, hes doing this or that, but is that him as a person, or is it the disease? As a way to better understand why they do the things they do.

I have a feeling the way hes looking at it is like detaching means I wont want to be with him sooner or later

What are your opinions of what detachment is? I would like to be able to give him an answer and figure it out for myself at the same time
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Old 04-14-2011, 02:16 PM
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You already gave him an answer, and I think it's a good, albiet loose example

And, you may end up not wanting to be with him after all, but that's another thing.

To me, it's detaching myself from trying to control or manipulate the outcome of someone else's life situation. Truly knowing that the only control I have is within myself, and the one thing I need to stay attached to is my wellbeing.
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Old 04-14-2011, 02:29 PM
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yeah!

hey now see I like yours wayyy better lol, thanks for the input I really appreciate it
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Old 04-14-2011, 02:31 PM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
...Truly knowing that the only control I have is within myself, and the one thing I need to stay attached to is my wellbeing.
Bingo to that comment.

For me, it's not about detaching from them. If I'm trying to figure out a way to live based on them, then I'm not detaching from them at all. Even if I'm figuring out how to not live my life based on them, I'm still focusing on them.

It's all about focusing on myself. Consequently, when I'm doing that I don't have much time to focus on my AW.
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Old 04-14-2011, 03:47 PM
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I get detachment but I want to be in a healthy relationship and enjoy my partner. When I detach I feel lifeless with him because I am detaching. We are still not doing fun things together or enjoying each others company because of the drinking. It just isn't a relationship to me when I am detaching.

I want a FUN and HEALTHY realtionship with someone and I am finding out that I can not have that with an A, no matter how much I try and detach.

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Old 04-14-2011, 04:22 PM
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I struggle with detachment too. While I am trying to detach him from the illness I find that hard to do. Not knowing what is "him" and what is the illness. Is he being a jerk (in a bad mood) because he is just having a bad day or because of the illness? If it is simply a Bad day I want to see if I can brighten his spirits, but if it is due to the illness I want to stay away from him. What I am doing now is that if he is being a jerk I don't care what the reason is, I don't want or deserve to be treated badly. I don't need to figure out the "why" anymore.

The next thing I need to figure out is how/when to I let him back into my heart (which is being intimate again) . Very hard when I feel like I can't trust him and he may say something that really hurts my feelings. One day at a time, one feeling at a time... not there yet and I would like to think once I am I will know how to emotionally protect myself.
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Old 04-14-2011, 04:49 PM
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Detachment for me means that I am seperate..I have my own feelings, reactions, etc..they are not entangled or enmeshed with yours..my wants and needs are as important to me as other peoples, and I am focused on my own sh%& instead of yours..
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:45 PM
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I am starting to get a picture of this for me, and this is just one facet, but it is really present in my life right now.

I feel like I am detaching when my RAH has a drama, a shift, a big idea, a plan, a relapse, a panic attack, an extremely loving moment, an enlightened understanding...
And I dont go up and down on his ride with him.

I kind of am on my own ride.

Used to be, if he had a bad day, or mood swing, I was so flimsy that I could have just won the lottery, and I would almost hand over my experience and take on his...

Or I would do the same, if I was feeling resentful, or untrusting, and he swelled up in love and smothered me, I would succumb, and just abandon how I was feeling moments before.

I am now, getting pretty darn good at just watching his ride, and saying, thats his ride.

And some days, he can call, or not, and I dont even look over at his ride, I just stay focused on mine.

I dont get derailed by his chaos, or dazzled by his calm. Or threatened by his progress, or fearful of his slipups. They are his, not my work.
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Old 04-14-2011, 10:50 PM
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Detachment from living his life and solving his problems, and instead focusing on you and your problems.
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Old 04-15-2011, 06:21 PM
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Detachment to means living free from being responsible of the alcoholics mood and anything that may alter his mood in a negative pattern.

Detachment allows you to make choice void of the alcoholics choices regardless of that decision.
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Old 04-15-2011, 07:16 PM
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It isn't detaching from the person per se, it is detaching from the disease, detaching from his recovery. Letting him have the space to do what he needs to do.

You can still love him, spend time with him etc but anything involving his recovery is his to do. And detaching means respecting that he has to work on it his way.

I am detaching from the RABF's rehab situation. I know little about it, am not thinking about it. I am thinking about HIM and very attached to HIM but his recovery is what he has to be most attached to right now, not me.

He had to be forcibly detached from me due to program rules and it felt like velcro ripping in two but if he loved me a lot when he went in then he is still loving me while he is away. (I HOPE!!).

I am detaching from my expectations, fantasy, emotional needs from him and the attention but I am not detaching from him as long as that love stays viable. At least that is how I see it.

Sometimes you have to step back or your shadow prevents the sun from reaching the flowers! (I just made that up.. not bad eh?)

Or I told myself, 'get off of the roller coaster but you can still spend time at the carnival'.
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Old 04-15-2011, 08:54 PM
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I'm with JackRussellGirl. I feel that I have detached, but I don't feel this is a healthy relationship for me. I feel totally detached and like what's the point of being in a relationship with someone that can't give you a full relationship. I'm also wanting more out of it, and I've been detaching for many many years. Life is too short.
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Old 04-15-2011, 09:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
I am detaching from my expectations, fantasy, emotional needs from him and the attention but I am not detaching from him as long as that love stays viable. At least that is how I see it.

Sometimes you have to step back or your shadow prevents the sun from reaching the flowers! (I just made that up.. not bad eh?)

Or I told myself, 'get off of the roller coaster but you can still spend time at the carnival'.
I totally have trouble detaching from my fantasy of my exbf. We are still good friends, and I still fantasize that we will be together again. DUH! Talk about setting myself up for failure! But I am getting better at letting go of expectations, and detaching from his personal dysfunction in relationships, and focusing on MY sanity and serenity...

Love the flowers quote, I would be proud if I came up with that!
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Old 04-15-2011, 11:27 PM
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Great feedback guys! Thanks
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Old 04-15-2011, 11:54 PM
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Detachment is not feeling the need to explain detachment to the one you're detaching from.

There's some great pamphlets from Alanon that explain it very well, just give him one of those.
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Old 04-16-2011, 12:54 AM
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Leaving.
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