marie678

So, I came to a huge realization this morning. Huge for me, at least.

“If he didn’t have this issue with drinking, our marriage would be so much better. It might even be normal!”
“I hate when he does this stuff. Doesn’t he realize how miserable he is making me??”
“He upsets me, makes me cry, makes me feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown and he doesn’t even care!”

Ok, these statements are things I’ve said to myself a million times during our relationship.

Now, think about the culture of our society. That sense of entitlement that everyone seems to have. That feeling that they are “owed” something by the world and everyone in it.

Now, in my marriage, I expect my husband to do what he can to make me happy, as his wife. If he does something that he knows upsets me, I expect him to see that and to stop it. But, why? Why do I expect that from him? Why is it his responsibility to make me happy? Aha! It isn’t! Herein lies my big realization for the day. It is not anyone’s responsibility to make me happy but my own. And happiness is not something I’m entitled to or should expect for anyone else to just give to me. It’s something I have to work for and earn for myself. I have to take responsibility for putting myself in an environment where I can make myself happy. And, if I’m not happy, that’s my own fault and something that only I can change!

With this mindset, it seems ridiculous to me that I ever even expected someone else to create happiness for me or to change themselves and their behaviors for the primary purpose of making me happy. It seems even more absurd to have such high, impossible expectations of someone who doesn’t even know how to create peace and happiness for himself yet.

The control freak in me wonders how on earth I ever convinced myself to give someone else so much responsibility and control over my emotions. Maybe I’m starting to get it. Or maybe I'm just rambling, lol.

Thumper

Ahh - I think I know what you are talking about. In a healthy marriage people must mutually do things to build each other up (right?) but that is different then giving the responsibility for all our happiness over to someone else.

I love me some control! Control is about as sneaky as alcoholism. An alcoholic tries lots of things to control their drinking, but in the end addiction has the wheel.

I helped, supported, talked, guided, stood by, defended, manipulated, arranged things, bargained, enabled and did all kinds of things to try to fix (aka control) *him* and in that quest, lost all control of my own life. What a state of total confusion, exhaustion, desperation, and utter despair I was in.

With alcoholics it is as 'easy' as setting down the bottle and finding recovery. With me, it was as 'easy' as simply controling my world and my person, and letting go of him to do with his world what he wanted.

It was a long long hellish road but 18 months later, for today, we are all (me, him, kids) significantly better off for me minding my own business. Well, he might not think we are all better off because we are divorced but he is sober and behaves like a normal person for the first time in years. For today, he is better off.

Tuffgirl

Well said!

coffeedrinker

Welcome to Sober Recovery, Marie. It's a good place to learn stuff just like your realization.

TakingCharge999

Wonderful!! thanks for the reminder!!
Yes we do that job much better, and looking for bread in the HW store is part of self boycott, so waking up and realizing there will be NO bread in the HW store is huge! you walk out and head for the BAKERY!! and get all kinds of bread.. and pastries and cake

marie678

Thanks! I'm sure this is something that is probably old news around here by now, but it was a new way of thinking about it for me and I wanted to share. =)

TakingCharge999

Bears repeating over and over until it becomes part of ourselves and we truly believe it in our hearts, and act accordingly !!

Buffalo66

This is not only an AHA moment, but a key to the door to your next level!

And BTW, I logged on and read this first thing, and, MAN did I need to see it right this minute!

Just got off the crazy phone call, which I excused myself from, but...Yes.

I am responsible for me.

Alone22

Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling! I don't think I could have said it so well. I went to an Alanon meeting today (#4 ) and I walked away feeling better than I have in a long time. Happiness comes from the choices we make in our lives, and I have lived so long waiting or wanting others to make me happy. Every time my AH said something or did something that hurt me or upset me I never understood until now that I actually had the ability to not let it interfere with my own happiness. Up until now I never really understood how sick he really is and that due to his illness I was wanting him to be something he can not be. I took it personally, when in reality it didn't have much really to do with me! Now I am focused on me and how I can make me happy. I can feel myself pulling away from the drama of his illness knowing I can't do anything about it! I don't have to rescue, I don't have to worry, I don't have to do ANYTHING. I can just let it be. Now that I am not filling my mind with him and his illness I am free to find the happiness I need in my life. I have been able to see the happiness that is all around me, but until now was fogged over while I was drowning in trying to control his illness. Now I do not worry about what kind of mood he will be in because I can choose to simply walk away from it if I don't like it.

marie678

I'm glad you're learning as well. =)

I think that, along with learning to accept the things we can't control, comes an appreciation of the things that we can control.

It really is a weight off your shoulders when you realize that you aren't responsible for trying to control someone else's addiction, because that is an overwhelming task to take on!

My AH was trying to start arguments with me today over decisions that my extended family are making in their lives (because, you know he has so much room to be giving advice!). I normally would have argued with him, but I didn't. I repeatedly told him that he can think whatever he wants about my family and their decisions, but I'm not going to discuss it with him. "But, you know I'm right!!" "k, still not talking about it with you." "that's just because..." "ehh..still not discussing it." "well, this is stupid and..." "ok, still not talking about it." LOL. Similar to many discussions I've had with my kids. Ah...letting go of things we cannot control. Nice.

strengthtobeone

I like the concrete examples of Al Anon at work! Marie, thanks for modeling that positive behavior of Letting Go!! Much appreciated!

duqld1717

Thanks Marie! What you said is so true and a good rule to live by! My problem was always expecting healthy behavior from unhealthy people. And we all know that is impossible! At the end of the day the only person that we can always count on to treat us well is OURSELVES! Thanks!

marie678

I definitely agree with you. I've found myself trying to rationalize his behavior many times and figuring out what logical reason he could possibly have for acting the way he did. Of course, there never was one!

I've asked him several times if it was really too awful much to ask for him to act like a decent human being and behave in a respectful manner. I've often found that, yes, it really is, because sadly that is sometimes beyond his ability when he is caught up in his own addiction.

japabp2000

Hi Marie and welcome! I just want to say thank you for sharing this. This hit the nail right on the head so to speak. (((((Hugs)))))

sesh

Hi Marie and wellcome!
Make sure you don't lose that thought. Once you start living your life by it, everything, literally everything becomes much more simpler. At least it did for me.
HUGS

returntonormal

Me too! I have made some progress, I think, in realizing that even if AH puts down the bottle, there is no guarentee much changes in our relationship...but I've still been clinging to the ideas you've written above... Learning where my boundaries are and believing my own happiness lies with in are on my to-do list.

Thanks for the reminder!

julienamana

thank you so much for your post! Im really going through it right now and that really helped I feel a little better than a I did a minute ago, thanks!

Linkmeister

Thank you so much, Marie! I've been struggling with this for a very long time and you put into words what I'm thinking!! Truly an a-ha moment.....

BuffaloGal

It took me so long to truly learn this. Yes, it is too much to expect from my aexh to treat me with honesty and respect and that won't change no matter how self righteous I am about it. I can scream and rage, or I can shrug and accept it... or I can come here and bellyache about it But that's who he is and where he's at.

He recently accused me of having an excessive "sense of entitlement"... well, okay... I feel entitled to certain behavior from my husband and equally I feel obligated to display that same behavior in dealing with him. My error was thinking that he automatically held the same standards too, that they were obvious, that they went without saying. They don't. AHA!!!

Alone22

Alcoholics are like slot machines, they pay off just often enough . Thank you! That is how I feel! Too funny and not all at the same time!