New, My Story
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Mountains of Virginia
Posts: 17
New, My Story
Hi I'm new and wanted to introduce myself. I have been married to my AH for 18 years. We have 2 teens a boy (17) and a girl (14). I'm a young 50. Just finished training for a new career as my old career which I haven't worked since my oldest was born was hit particularly hard by the recession. I've run the family business since 2000.
I woke up somewhere around 2006, looked around and wondered who the heck I'd become. My next thought was, "Oh Gosh, my kids especially my daughter is going to think this is normal behavior." I was fun, had lots of friends and liked to do things. When had my scope of friends been narrowed to a handful of acquaintances all with major baggage. I realized that I had surrounded myself with people that when AH began to tear them down he was stating the obvious.
What woke me was that AH started volunteering to pick up our son from friend's houses. He returned one day with son and a friend. And a bottle of beer he had been drinking while he drove. Oh my God! How much trouble could we be in with said parents and that's just something you just don't do! He told me if they were so F-ing concerned they could drive them around...
Funny I wasn't worried about me, I woke up for the kids. I apologized to both kids long ago. "I thought I kept you all clear of his (then seldom) drinking." My baby girl answered, "Mom, did you think we were stupid?" "No. I just thought I was petty smart..." Two years his drinking steadily increased. After that we all got real honest. No more excuses, lies or cover ups. Just the truth. That was the summer of 2009, AH went on a 6 week binge. I was still in the marriage then. He had his friends and they sat around our property looking at me as if they hated me. Sad part is I had to have friends come visit to tell me I was seeing what I was seeing... I didn't trust myself. Around this time I noticed that AH was 'fiddling' with his phone a lot. All he knew to do with a phone was place calls. A few months earlier I had to tell him how to get to the text part to retrieve an address I sent him for work. So I looked. He was asking some guy to meet him in a hotel... My boy caught me, I was ashamed. He said he and his sister had debated whether to tell me their dad had been texting and meeting up with a woman. He has accused me of affairs for years. I had always wondered why. Months before I started to suspect that maybe the old adage of liars always think everyone else is a liar was the real problem. I let him lie to see him, the real him in action. Shocked me. Confronted him, the next week caught him again. I was done there. I got to Alanon and got help.
He has threatened to leave off and on since the kids were babies. This time I said fine. School was a year. He was miserable a$$, left my girl home alone every night, probably thinking that would make me leave school. We all had made a pact that we would stick together so I could afford our now mountain of debt when he left.
He has said he was leaving and how much he hated me, sober and drunk. Blames all the drunkenness on me. My AH set a date when he was going to leave. Now he laughs and says, "Baby I love you and I'll never leave you." Rats!! The worst is the laugh, the one you give a pouting child. I don't want to continue the marriage in any way, shape or form. The kids told me that the times I seldom went out he would terrorize my boy. The child saw us as a unit and thought I was in on it. God... Now AH is acting as if nothing happened and I'm being absurd.
Here is where I am now. I'm darn good at what I do. Yet I feel I'm not capable. I fight that voice constantly. I feel the chain tightening like AH has turned his attention on me again and my window of escape is closing. I feel anger and resentment all the time. I really have to get my business up and going. I'm fighting against myself as well as AH.
My tag line is because I'm trying to fight off amnesia. If it were just me I'd probably just slip back into the track and go with the flow. I have emails of forwarded texts, saved incase I needed them for court. I started a blog so I could go back and see what is real. I had to consult both today to get dates straight. I joined because it just seems easier and easier to forget these days. He has changed. He would get drunk and try to tear me down, now he's sweet as pie. He knows he went too far and is trying to reel me back in by acting as if the past was inconsequential. I have to be hard on myself and on my thoughts to keep my head above. It boils down to doing it for the kids when all else fails. I was until recently using his phone to keep me on track. He was asking for and sending body art photos while he was trying to sweet talk me. Then I just stopped caring what he did with his phone or anything else, and he got better at hiding his dirt. I've got talent and I am at the point I have got to believe in myself again.
AH is not binging anymore, but maintaining. He surrounds himself with drunks of his making. After they are worse off then he, he belittles them. He's a 'church' man. So leads a horribly double life as his denomination doesn't tolerate any alcohol, much less his weed and he's an elder with visions of leading the church. Which he really does to a large degree. He doesn't need a program to stop drinking, he wants to start one himself to help the 'bad off' drunks. I'm at fault because I won't help him be a pastor. He is a person who is never content and always looking with green eyes at what someone else has. (says I have no ambition)He was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother. He worships the ground she walks on. When he was drinking heavily and not talking to me for more than a year he called her every night. He supports her financially as all her sons are required to. She is a class A manipulator. I've seen her in action and was grateful that we had a slight language barrier that didn't allow her to start in on me. That would have ended our marriage quick.
Sorry this is long. This is me. Hello.
I woke up somewhere around 2006, looked around and wondered who the heck I'd become. My next thought was, "Oh Gosh, my kids especially my daughter is going to think this is normal behavior." I was fun, had lots of friends and liked to do things. When had my scope of friends been narrowed to a handful of acquaintances all with major baggage. I realized that I had surrounded myself with people that when AH began to tear them down he was stating the obvious.
What woke me was that AH started volunteering to pick up our son from friend's houses. He returned one day with son and a friend. And a bottle of beer he had been drinking while he drove. Oh my God! How much trouble could we be in with said parents and that's just something you just don't do! He told me if they were so F-ing concerned they could drive them around...
Funny I wasn't worried about me, I woke up for the kids. I apologized to both kids long ago. "I thought I kept you all clear of his (then seldom) drinking." My baby girl answered, "Mom, did you think we were stupid?" "No. I just thought I was petty smart..." Two years his drinking steadily increased. After that we all got real honest. No more excuses, lies or cover ups. Just the truth. That was the summer of 2009, AH went on a 6 week binge. I was still in the marriage then. He had his friends and they sat around our property looking at me as if they hated me. Sad part is I had to have friends come visit to tell me I was seeing what I was seeing... I didn't trust myself. Around this time I noticed that AH was 'fiddling' with his phone a lot. All he knew to do with a phone was place calls. A few months earlier I had to tell him how to get to the text part to retrieve an address I sent him for work. So I looked. He was asking some guy to meet him in a hotel... My boy caught me, I was ashamed. He said he and his sister had debated whether to tell me their dad had been texting and meeting up with a woman. He has accused me of affairs for years. I had always wondered why. Months before I started to suspect that maybe the old adage of liars always think everyone else is a liar was the real problem. I let him lie to see him, the real him in action. Shocked me. Confronted him, the next week caught him again. I was done there. I got to Alanon and got help.
He has threatened to leave off and on since the kids were babies. This time I said fine. School was a year. He was miserable a$$, left my girl home alone every night, probably thinking that would make me leave school. We all had made a pact that we would stick together so I could afford our now mountain of debt when he left.
He has said he was leaving and how much he hated me, sober and drunk. Blames all the drunkenness on me. My AH set a date when he was going to leave. Now he laughs and says, "Baby I love you and I'll never leave you." Rats!! The worst is the laugh, the one you give a pouting child. I don't want to continue the marriage in any way, shape or form. The kids told me that the times I seldom went out he would terrorize my boy. The child saw us as a unit and thought I was in on it. God... Now AH is acting as if nothing happened and I'm being absurd.
Here is where I am now. I'm darn good at what I do. Yet I feel I'm not capable. I fight that voice constantly. I feel the chain tightening like AH has turned his attention on me again and my window of escape is closing. I feel anger and resentment all the time. I really have to get my business up and going. I'm fighting against myself as well as AH.
My tag line is because I'm trying to fight off amnesia. If it were just me I'd probably just slip back into the track and go with the flow. I have emails of forwarded texts, saved incase I needed them for court. I started a blog so I could go back and see what is real. I had to consult both today to get dates straight. I joined because it just seems easier and easier to forget these days. He has changed. He would get drunk and try to tear me down, now he's sweet as pie. He knows he went too far and is trying to reel me back in by acting as if the past was inconsequential. I have to be hard on myself and on my thoughts to keep my head above. It boils down to doing it for the kids when all else fails. I was until recently using his phone to keep me on track. He was asking for and sending body art photos while he was trying to sweet talk me. Then I just stopped caring what he did with his phone or anything else, and he got better at hiding his dirt. I've got talent and I am at the point I have got to believe in myself again.
AH is not binging anymore, but maintaining. He surrounds himself with drunks of his making. After they are worse off then he, he belittles them. He's a 'church' man. So leads a horribly double life as his denomination doesn't tolerate any alcohol, much less his weed and he's an elder with visions of leading the church. Which he really does to a large degree. He doesn't need a program to stop drinking, he wants to start one himself to help the 'bad off' drunks. I'm at fault because I won't help him be a pastor. He is a person who is never content and always looking with green eyes at what someone else has. (says I have no ambition)He was raised by an abusive alcoholic mother. He worships the ground she walks on. When he was drinking heavily and not talking to me for more than a year he called her every night. He supports her financially as all her sons are required to. She is a class A manipulator. I've seen her in action and was grateful that we had a slight language barrier that didn't allow her to start in on me. That would have ended our marriage quick.
Sorry this is long. This is me. Hello.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
OK.
Thank you for coming here, and posting, and WELCOME!
You are definitely in the right place.
Now, you do want to get out, and follow through and leave, right?
Becuase this just sounds so awful, and it seems like you may be waffling because he is pulling out the manipulation.
BUt, you also sound like you know better.
Your tagline is right!
Remember those kids whoa re still teens! They need you to protect them, teach them self respect!
If you want reminders and support, this is a great place, and all of your posts are recorded here.
So, you can always check back, and "remember" what went on...or how bad it really is.
And dont think there are not many people here on SRwho have gone through that.
Years of on and off remembering.
Its never too late to respect yourself, and to make good choices for the kids!
Please come back and keep posting!
Thank you for coming here, and posting, and WELCOME!
You are definitely in the right place.
Now, you do want to get out, and follow through and leave, right?
Becuase this just sounds so awful, and it seems like you may be waffling because he is pulling out the manipulation.
BUt, you also sound like you know better.
Your tagline is right!
Remember those kids whoa re still teens! They need you to protect them, teach them self respect!
If you want reminders and support, this is a great place, and all of your posts are recorded here.
So, you can always check back, and "remember" what went on...or how bad it really is.
And dont think there are not many people here on SRwho have gone through that.
Years of on and off remembering.
Its never too late to respect yourself, and to make good choices for the kids!
Please come back and keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: rural west
Posts: 1,375
Hi! Welcome!
Is he physically abusive?
How old are your kids?
There is no "window" that is closing on you. You realize you have a right to self respect and leave at any time.
Stick around. Keep posting.
We are here for you.
p
Is he physically abusive?
How old are your kids?
There is no "window" that is closing on you. You realize you have a right to self respect and leave at any time.
Stick around. Keep posting.
We are here for you.
p
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
I remember well all those years of playing mind games of my AH pretending he had no real drinking problems. Doing his best to convince me I was the problem ... I was just too sensitive, too angry and I was just imagining his slurred speech and unfocused eyes.
I was kept in a financial prison because of our family business we had worked so many years to build before we had children. We put everything we had into that business. When we had kids, he started keeping our financial information at his office and kept me in the dark on how to manage it. He would intentionally be very nasty and hostile whenever I would stop by the office ... making sure I would want to avoid making future office visits. Sad situation especially since I had worked so hard in building our business.
Little by little, his drinking progressed and he became angrier and more irrational. I finally found evidence of his excessive drinking by finding his hidden bottles. These hidden bottles gave me the proof I needed to set up strict boundaries - he could no longer live at home and he could no longer drive our kids around if he didn't stop drinking - which he couldn't do. I would no longer expose my children to the toxic atmosphere of living in an alcoholic home. Financially it was tough, but our home was much quieter, saner and calmer.
He grew angrier as the drinking progressed ... and he would start to threaten to leave me with nothing and take custody of the kids. It was a ridiculous threat, yet worrisome since he had complete control of our finances. Every time in the past when he had threatened to divorce me and leave me with nothing, it would end in a big fight and heartbreak that he would even consider something like that. This was long before I had learned about the insanity of alcoholism and all the irrational behaviors. I finally realized he loved spewing out these threats this just to try to control me and keep me living in fear.
Through a complicated series of events, I eventually learned more and more about our business procedures ... and little by little, I gained more control of our finances and decision making.
One day, he once again hurled out the threat to divorce me ... but this time instead of an angry fight, I just calmly said "That's great ... could you let me know when, because I need to schedule some time to celebrate".
He just stood there in disbelief .. stunned and speechless.
His game of threats no longer worked and he had lost his domineering financial control over us. Above all else, once I realized what I was up against, trying to separate the insanity of alcoholism from my children's lives was the most important priority for me. It is a tragic and difficult journey but, my children and I became that much closer to regaining the freedom to live with dignity and serenity.
I was kept in a financial prison because of our family business we had worked so many years to build before we had children. We put everything we had into that business. When we had kids, he started keeping our financial information at his office and kept me in the dark on how to manage it. He would intentionally be very nasty and hostile whenever I would stop by the office ... making sure I would want to avoid making future office visits. Sad situation especially since I had worked so hard in building our business.
Little by little, his drinking progressed and he became angrier and more irrational. I finally found evidence of his excessive drinking by finding his hidden bottles. These hidden bottles gave me the proof I needed to set up strict boundaries - he could no longer live at home and he could no longer drive our kids around if he didn't stop drinking - which he couldn't do. I would no longer expose my children to the toxic atmosphere of living in an alcoholic home. Financially it was tough, but our home was much quieter, saner and calmer.
He grew angrier as the drinking progressed ... and he would start to threaten to leave me with nothing and take custody of the kids. It was a ridiculous threat, yet worrisome since he had complete control of our finances. Every time in the past when he had threatened to divorce me and leave me with nothing, it would end in a big fight and heartbreak that he would even consider something like that. This was long before I had learned about the insanity of alcoholism and all the irrational behaviors. I finally realized he loved spewing out these threats this just to try to control me and keep me living in fear.
Through a complicated series of events, I eventually learned more and more about our business procedures ... and little by little, I gained more control of our finances and decision making.
One day, he once again hurled out the threat to divorce me ... but this time instead of an angry fight, I just calmly said "That's great ... could you let me know when, because I need to schedule some time to celebrate".
He just stood there in disbelief .. stunned and speechless.
His game of threats no longer worked and he had lost his domineering financial control over us. Above all else, once I realized what I was up against, trying to separate the insanity of alcoholism from my children's lives was the most important priority for me. It is a tragic and difficult journey but, my children and I became that much closer to regaining the freedom to live with dignity and serenity.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Hello, OceanEyes,
and Welcome.
It sounds as though you have the Self-Worth Disease. You know in your head that you are skilled and capable of taking care of yourself, yet some earlier voices can trump that knowlege.
Have you ever done therapy? I think it might be the ticket for you to continue to get stronger, and become the person God intended you to be.
I'm glad you're here.
and Welcome.
It sounds as though you have the Self-Worth Disease. You know in your head that you are skilled and capable of taking care of yourself, yet some earlier voices can trump that knowlege.
Have you ever done therapy? I think it might be the ticket for you to continue to get stronger, and become the person God intended you to be.
I'm glad you're here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Mountains of Virginia
Posts: 17
Thank you all.
There is no physical abuse to me. Found out that years ago he would terrorize our boy with a belt. I found it one day and both kids were present and they passed a knowing smile between them. I wondered how it got there. Come to find out they had hidden it from their father. Thats when I found out what he had been up to if I went out for a class. I did hide things our boy did from AH because he had a zero to sixty temper with the boy. AH was raised in Mexico and by a very harsh AM. I recently put my finger on AH seeing the boy as competition. My son, just turned 17 and moved out because he can't put up with the mad house. He hated always being angry.
Leave- yes! But him. I have stayed longer than I should have because we live in my family house and we took out a mortgage on it for a specific purchase. It never went through and AH p*ssed the money away. I don't want to lose it... He did recently threaten to take the kids. I didn't catch myself and laughingly told him they were both at an age where they could legally decide for themselves. No threats after that.
Buffalo66- I'm not so much waffling in intention as feeling trapped. I know that's crazy! I lived on my own for a long time and liked it. That's why I knew it was time to officially come here. I have to keep up the steam to keep pulling ahead. And yes, it's a path of least resistance thing. My own mind is trapping me. I don't trust him to help at all financially and have to be ready to take everything over before I make my move. Plus I know he can get nasty.
Coffeedrinker- No therapy yet for me. Spare change went to therapy for the kids. Yes this is something left over that I have tried to shake. Most days I can rise above, but when I'm down it sneaks back in. And it has been reinforced for 18 years in small effective ways. As Seeking Wisdom said- too sensitive, lack humor. Heck I finished my schooling this year through mockery, and insults. My national boards he referred to as my little test... I was a carpenter and he is a mason, therefore I never worked as hard as he did. Blah, blah. Just a little narcissistic.
I have been reading here long enough to know that when I let the little voice speak and influence me that someone here will call me on it. It's not foreign to anyone here.
There is no physical abuse to me. Found out that years ago he would terrorize our boy with a belt. I found it one day and both kids were present and they passed a knowing smile between them. I wondered how it got there. Come to find out they had hidden it from their father. Thats when I found out what he had been up to if I went out for a class. I did hide things our boy did from AH because he had a zero to sixty temper with the boy. AH was raised in Mexico and by a very harsh AM. I recently put my finger on AH seeing the boy as competition. My son, just turned 17 and moved out because he can't put up with the mad house. He hated always being angry.
Leave- yes! But him. I have stayed longer than I should have because we live in my family house and we took out a mortgage on it for a specific purchase. It never went through and AH p*ssed the money away. I don't want to lose it... He did recently threaten to take the kids. I didn't catch myself and laughingly told him they were both at an age where they could legally decide for themselves. No threats after that.
Buffalo66- I'm not so much waffling in intention as feeling trapped. I know that's crazy! I lived on my own for a long time and liked it. That's why I knew it was time to officially come here. I have to keep up the steam to keep pulling ahead. And yes, it's a path of least resistance thing. My own mind is trapping me. I don't trust him to help at all financially and have to be ready to take everything over before I make my move. Plus I know he can get nasty.
Coffeedrinker- No therapy yet for me. Spare change went to therapy for the kids. Yes this is something left over that I have tried to shake. Most days I can rise above, but when I'm down it sneaks back in. And it has been reinforced for 18 years in small effective ways. As Seeking Wisdom said- too sensitive, lack humor. Heck I finished my schooling this year through mockery, and insults. My national boards he referred to as my little test... I was a carpenter and he is a mason, therefore I never worked as hard as he did. Blah, blah. Just a little narcissistic.
I have been reading here long enough to know that when I let the little voice speak and influence me that someone here will call me on it. It's not foreign to anyone here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: MASSACHUSETTS
Posts: 441
WELCOME to SR! It is a wonderful group of people who are dealing with the same thing you are. You seem to have a grip on what you are dealing with so that is a great start. I have learned so much about the disease and how an A acts. It helps to know that it is not me and alot of A's do the same thing.
I find the best part is learning to work on myself and not focus on the A (it never did any good anyways). It was like
and all I got was a headache.
Remember..
You did not cause it
You can not control it
and I think the last one is You can not cure it.
Keep posting, it really helps!!
I am still learning, if the above is wrong, I sure someone will let us know.
I find the best part is learning to work on myself and not focus on the A (it never did any good anyways). It was like
and all I got was a headache.Remember..
You did not cause it
You can not control it
and I think the last one is You can not cure it.
Keep posting, it really helps!!
I am still learning, if the above is wrong, I sure someone will let us know.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Mountains of Virginia
Posts: 17
This is my 'selfish' move. I'm here to keep my inner voice straight and my resolve strong. Unless he were to do something hurtful to the kids in some way I have come to the point I don't pay much attention to what he does or doesn't do. I watch him like I would any thing unpredictable. So I can move out of the way.
Lately, all the we talk and now let's plan for a happy future is what hits a nerve if I'm not on guard. He hadn't talked to me for 2 years, so it's kind of a shock some days. I let him talk, knowing from history talk is real cheap. I know it's more pity than anything else on my part. I also know there is some form of 'window dressing' function he wants us to fit into. It came to my attention a long time ago that he has no friends, only people he looks down on and treats like kids. Better than his kids... But they all look up to him.
This is my place of swift kicks whenever I need them. Tomorrow I'm taking my business brochures to a friend who is a graphic artist for final tweeks and printer suggestions. This is my way out, and I've been dragging my feet. Half because of personal insecurities and half because it brings me closer to the final confrontation. My 2 fears. Crazy, they are trying to outweigh staying in this mess and taking charge. Boot away please!
Lately, all the we talk and now let's plan for a happy future is what hits a nerve if I'm not on guard. He hadn't talked to me for 2 years, so it's kind of a shock some days. I let him talk, knowing from history talk is real cheap. I know it's more pity than anything else on my part. I also know there is some form of 'window dressing' function he wants us to fit into. It came to my attention a long time ago that he has no friends, only people he looks down on and treats like kids. Better than his kids... But they all look up to him.
This is my place of swift kicks whenever I need them. Tomorrow I'm taking my business brochures to a friend who is a graphic artist for final tweeks and printer suggestions. This is my way out, and I've been dragging my feet. Half because of personal insecurities and half because it brings me closer to the final confrontation. My 2 fears. Crazy, they are trying to outweigh staying in this mess and taking charge. Boot away please!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 137
I think you have a beautiful voice. I love to read your words. I hope you know how beautiful you sound. Keep that kernel inside of you that tells you you have purpose on this Earth and an obligation to be the BEST you, you can be. You know who she is. Nurture her.
This is what I tell myself. I try to stay calm so that I can understand what I want to do next. When I can't calm down, I try to talk with someone.
I'm sending love to you and hope that it helps you.
This is what I tell myself. I try to stay calm so that I can understand what I want to do next. When I can't calm down, I try to talk with someone.
I'm sending love to you and hope that it helps you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Mountains of Virginia
Posts: 17
RECF- Thank you! I was just reading your post on another thread about forgetting what you were saying in conversations. I do the same thing. Sometimes I can't even think of words I want to use and just become stuck. But you know something? Those things have become less and less frequent since I have been working on getting back to reclaiming me. Odd how the mind reacts. It would reinforce my feeling like I was burdening someone by just talking to them... I was honestly thinking I had something serious going on, except for the fact that I have the memory of an elephant and nothing else had faltered. Maybe we had just stopped thinking independently. Hang in there! It'll get better. So easy to think, "I'm the only one."
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