lovechild

My AB has been in treatment center since beginning of October. We have been going thru a lot of healing just to find out there is another thing around the corner. I have to admit part of it is my fault - i still have not made another Al Anon meeting after my first 2. i never have the time - i work 2 jobs to pay rent and all of the bills and in between i am trying to squeeze time for running my favorite sport. just trying to restore same sanity to my life. things were going great! he kept is doing very well in treatment and his recovery but i am stuck. He is very possessive of me and i kept thinking that that was part of the addiction and he will be able to work on that thru his program and things will get better. i kept trying to tell him how much it hurts me when he thinks there is someone else in our house when i am home all alone, when he hears mysteries noises that are only in his head. i didn't really realize that all of that come from his need to control me. Last night i was at my other job working with my boss who is also a very close friend. i told my AB that i will be at a meeting that night and i might not be able to pick up then phone when he calls me. He totally hates when i miss his calls. i should be available to him 24/7 because when he calls it is HIM! and how can i not pick up the phone??? i switch carriers recently and my new carrier doesn't have signal in a lot of the place i go thru the day - very often my phone doesn't even ring. we have had arguments over that and i keep trying to explain that i can't control this! i can't stitch back i don't have the money too! depending on his day in treatment he is either understanding or we get into a huge fight. last night me and my friend were taking a break for dinner while he called. My friend who is very proper hates when people use their cell phone at the diner table - for that matter i think it is kind of rude as well but i did answer the phone considering how much my AB hates when i don't. i told him very politely to please call me back in about 30 minutes so we can finish dinner. ahh he did not like that. sure enough he called me back in about 2 minutes telling me he doesn't understand what is so important about a meal that i can interrupted? i have already told him before how particular my gay friend is whom he knows as well. did he care? no the important thing was i was out of line to tell HIM my men to call me back. i called back after dinner and that is when it started!!! i was a superficial women because now all of the sudden i act different in front of my friend and of course i want to sleep with him and i have disrespected him and i should have said in en essence the same thing i did say but include baby which i didn't. he wouldn't even let me talk...before he called my friend who knew a little about his drinking problem is asking all kind of questions that i don't want to answer. i felt like i was being intoregrated and judged for being with him. i can't tell anyone where he is since he doesn't want me too which is ok but i can't make up lies on a spot to cover up his story! i am definitely not much of a lier...the whole thing ended in a screaming match and of course me crying and my friend giving me a lecture how i need to end things with him because he has no respect for me. everything i didn't want to hear right then and of course being in such a despair i told my AB we are done. he is about 2 months form coming home for good. we had so many plans for the future and now i am all alone. He told me once i tell him again (i use to break up with him every week...) that we are done we will be done for good. do i regret telling him we are done? somewhat yes but in a way i think it was my higher power that guided me to it. everything happen so fast and everything escalated so fast that i don't even remember half of it. Needless to say he was coming home for the weekend, we had made plans with family and some friend for dinner now i have to cancel everything again and again give bs excuse about why. i feel horrible and powerless, i feel desperate and devastated and i am having some major suicide thoughts much stronger then before. i can't believe something so trivial blew up into something so huge. he embarrassed me in front of my boss and my friend whom later got on the phone with his mother which of course i got a earful from her as well. i love him very much but where there is room for me? how much does he love me?
and most of all why this is happening to me again???
sorry for being so convoluted and so long things are jsut a bit tough right now.

suki44883

Ugh. I absolutely HATE possessive people. You do not belong to him! He has no rights to you other than what you feel you want to give him. There is no way in hell I would put up with that crap another minute. Of course, you aren't me, so I guess I can just say you are going to have to either set him straight on a few things, put up with it, or leave the relationship. Depending on how much time you have invested and how important this childishness is to you, that will be your decision. I just have no patience for people who think just because I may be in a relationship with them, that means they own me. Very much of that crap and there will BE NO relationship.

Chino

That's good because the only truth that matters is yours. Who are you without him?

lovechild

thank you for your input! good things!! i need to hear some good things good questions that make me think. i never thought of his behavior as abuse. i thought that his possessiveness come form his low self esteem when he was using and of course i thought that it will change when he is in recovery. Last night it was right back to where we were a year ago. i told him he might as well be drinking because what i was hearing wasn't making much sense to me. it only made sense in his reality that is far from the truth.
i invested a lot of time and money in him. my fault. if i loose that i do i won't cry about that. what i am more afraid of is my future. i am almost 40 and he is another one of my failed relationships i am scared i can't love because i don't know how too. i put so much effort into making things work with him i think i put too much effort and love where he took that and turned it into depict and manipulation. he knew about my past (physical abuse, few crack heads and such) and he used it to make it work for him. I read Cynical's article how to get over toxic relationships - wow what a piece!! and now i feel a glimpse of hope. i will try to make al anon meeting today, ask for a sponsor and begin some work...i have a son and he is the one thing that keeps me form hurting myself. has been for years. he is now 19 and out of the house so at least he is not seeing me cry.