deep breath..i did it
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 174
deep breath..i did it
All in the span of an hour- I called the police dept. -reported the violation.Cop came over and saw the text, fwd it to him. What a relief.
We only have two town cops and the first cop that came over yesterday was the one that had arrested exA for his DWI. The one that came over tonight graduated with exA..and I just love how exA plays himself up to being this great guy who is friends with this cop..um no.I learned exA's dad and this cops dad are very good friends since they work for the county..and the cop told me he has not talked with him more than he is talking with me right now..Oh the lies exA tells me!!
He was telling me he see's this too often where women don't think of it as a big deal..that one text..then it becomes 11 innocent ones and the 12th one is threats..then the women is afraid to report that one because SHE violated it too by not reporting it.
I feel relief...wow big time...thank goodness for being able to come on here and getting advice.
The police was so helpful and said if things don't get taken care of he will help me move on to the next people that will take care of it.
We only have two town cops and the first cop that came over yesterday was the one that had arrested exA for his DWI. The one that came over tonight graduated with exA..and I just love how exA plays himself up to being this great guy who is friends with this cop..um no.I learned exA's dad and this cops dad are very good friends since they work for the county..and the cop told me he has not talked with him more than he is talking with me right now..Oh the lies exA tells me!!
He was telling me he see's this too often where women don't think of it as a big deal..that one text..then it becomes 11 innocent ones and the 12th one is threats..then the women is afraid to report that one because SHE violated it too by not reporting it.
I feel relief...wow big time...thank goodness for being able to come on here and getting advice.
The police was so helpful and said if things don't get taken care of he will help me move on to the next people that will take care of it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
I am glad that you reported the text message.
I know here in MA, a restraining order can actually be voided by a violation from the accuser.
Meaning, if he was to call or text you.... then you called or texted him back! That "could" void the restraining order.
I know here in MA, a restraining order can actually be voided by a violation from the accuser.
Meaning, if he was to call or text you.... then you called or texted him back! That "could" void the restraining order.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm so glad you updated us and reported it. Thank you. I have so much to learn about boundaries. I get so much from this board because I probably wouldn't have reported it but SR is always giving me new and better prespectives just by others sharing and updating.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Yay!
I am so glad you reported it!
And don't you feel great, now, too?
I'm so happy for you, and proud of you...
Maybe I can take this feeling and use it to go do some things I've been putting off, with regards to my program...
I am so glad you reported it!
And don't you feel great, now, too?
I'm so happy for you, and proud of you...
Maybe I can take this feeling and use it to go do some things I've been putting off, with regards to my program...
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
I remember those moments after I had just left my EX and I returned to where we used to live and ran into folks we used to hang with. I finally heard another version of all those things I once had doubts over, but kept getting told the only side EX wanted me to know.
Oh, all the lies I believed that only served to keep me stuck!!
Going with your instincts and trusting those over all that you've been told, seems to get lost so fast when living life with an addict and yet it seems to take so darn long to get back up and running. I'm still learning, but it's becoming a habit again and it's working for me. Big time!
So proud of you!! Listen to your own voice. Now you know the lies go deep. Keep reaching out for help and keep focusing on your safety and well being.
We are here for you supporting you all the way!!!
Alice
Oh, all the lies I believed that only served to keep me stuck!!
Going with your instincts and trusting those over all that you've been told, seems to get lost so fast when living life with an addict and yet it seems to take so darn long to get back up and running. I'm still learning, but it's becoming a habit again and it's working for me. Big time!
So proud of you!! Listen to your own voice. Now you know the lies go deep. Keep reaching out for help and keep focusing on your safety and well being.
We are here for you supporting you all the way!!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
You're really strong and I'm glad for you that you called and reported it. Not only did you show that you mean what you say and you won't be "tested" without acting, but you got to learn that the fear you had about worrying the cops wouldn't listen since they are close to your A (according to him) was just a lie and a scare tactic. I bet you feel pretty emboldened right now! You should! Good for you--
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: at the beach
Posts: 339
LS2
i'm so proud of you. it makes me feel so much better, it even makes me feel better about my situation (even though nothing changed, not yet that is).
you are an inspiration to me. now i also need to put my foot forward and try to find the best way to deal w/ my addict husband. i have been putting it off, trying to get legal advice and trying to get any advice or even talking to people about it, other than here at SR.
i feel ashamed that this is happening to me. i feel that people will judge me for his addiction. and i know that that is not the way that i should feel, but i still do. i am afraid that by telling people of what am i going through they will think less of me.
i'm not sure if you can relate to any of this, but i just had to vent a little. hopefully what you did will urge me to start making some proactive steps. then maybe i won't have to complain about having to live w/ my parents and i should be able to go to my own home and the addict will be the one on the street trying to figure out where is he going to stay. it burns me so much that he gets to stay at home and enjoy our beautiful house while me and my two little kids, 4 and 1, have to deal w/ all the inconveniences of not having a home.
thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
thank you LS2 for the update. sorry i went on about my stuff. it's still fresh and hard not to do.
thank you for being strong for all of us who are not there yet.
hugs and prayers. :ghug3
i'm so proud of you. it makes me feel so much better, it even makes me feel better about my situation (even though nothing changed, not yet that is).
you are an inspiration to me. now i also need to put my foot forward and try to find the best way to deal w/ my addict husband. i have been putting it off, trying to get legal advice and trying to get any advice or even talking to people about it, other than here at SR.
i feel ashamed that this is happening to me. i feel that people will judge me for his addiction. and i know that that is not the way that i should feel, but i still do. i am afraid that by telling people of what am i going through they will think less of me.
i'm not sure if you can relate to any of this, but i just had to vent a little. hopefully what you did will urge me to start making some proactive steps. then maybe i won't have to complain about having to live w/ my parents and i should be able to go to my own home and the addict will be the one on the street trying to figure out where is he going to stay. it burns me so much that he gets to stay at home and enjoy our beautiful house while me and my two little kids, 4 and 1, have to deal w/ all the inconveniences of not having a home.
thank you for letting me get this off my chest.
thank you LS2 for the update. sorry i went on about my stuff. it's still fresh and hard not to do.
thank you for being strong for all of us who are not there yet.
hugs and prayers. :ghug3
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by pacificsunrise 
i feel ashamed that this is happening to me. i feel that people will judge me for his addiction.
Originally Posted by pacificsunrise
and i know that that is not the way that i should feel, but i still do. i am afraid that by telling people of what am i going through they will think less of me.
well, the people who will think less of you for this or anything else outside your control, may lack the compassion that you need at this difficult time. At least it was like that for me. I needed to interact to people that really love me and it was a huge lesson on spending my time with people that care and know me and like me and love me. I started realizing I can choose who to spend time with. Before, whoever paid me any attention was welcome. Thus XABF and the rest of the horror stories that were my "romantic interests". Ugh.
Originally Posted by pacificsunrise
It burns me so much that he gets to stay at home and enjoy our beautiful house while me and my two little kids, 4 and 1, have to deal w/ all the inconveniences of not having a home.
Staying at your parents can be a temporary thing, maybe you can move to another place in the future. I used to share a beautiful house with XABF and now I am in a small apartment by myself. I wouldn't trade places for anything in the world. Peace and silence is what I need and with XABF there was none. Peace is priceless. Clarity of mind is priceless. Safety is priceless. One of the 8 "directions" of yoga is Contentment...
Originally Posted by pacificsunrise
thank you LS2 for the update. sorry i went on about my stuff. it's still fresh and hard not to do.
so believe me when I can say you can talk, vent, rant for the Nth time, ask for advice, post pictures of your pets, your holidays, etc etc
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
LS2, thank you for being strong, and sticking up for yourself, and coming here to tell us about it. It really is inspiring. 
I finally went through and did something I had been putting off.
I did it.
I have been needing information regarding the legal side of things should XABF attempt to contact me again.
Looking things up online wasn't helpful, aside from learning that in Pennsylvania physical abuse is the only "illegal" form of abuse, so I can only get protection from harassment or stalking.
Wasn't really sure where to go for information after that...
So last night I called a Domestic Violence hotline.
I was fortunate to get him out of the house easily, and I've been doing great with recovery on my own so I never thought I'd ever call, but I did it! She was really nice, and I'm glad I called, and I don't know why I kept not calling... I guess it was one more step in admitting the past, and that it was a problem?
She couldn't help directly with my question, but I have a phone number for a group that can, just waiting for lunch time so I can sneak out to my car and call (only open during business hours).
Hooray for brave new changes.
I don't think I ever would have called, but you called this in, LS2, and yours would have been more difficult for me than this (and in your case it turned out awesome!), so I finally decided there was no sense putting it off any further.
Thanks, LS2.
I finally went through and did something I had been putting off.
Originally Posted by StarCat
Maybe I can take this feeling and use it to go do some things I've been putting off, with regards to my program...
I have been needing information regarding the legal side of things should XABF attempt to contact me again.
Looking things up online wasn't helpful, aside from learning that in Pennsylvania physical abuse is the only "illegal" form of abuse, so I can only get protection from harassment or stalking.
Wasn't really sure where to go for information after that...
So last night I called a Domestic Violence hotline.
I was fortunate to get him out of the house easily, and I've been doing great with recovery on my own so I never thought I'd ever call, but I did it! She was really nice, and I'm glad I called, and I don't know why I kept not calling... I guess it was one more step in admitting the past, and that it was a problem?
She couldn't help directly with my question, but I have a phone number for a group that can, just waiting for lunch time so I can sneak out to my car and call (only open during business hours).
Hooray for brave new changes.
I don't think I ever would have called, but you called this in, LS2, and yours would have been more difficult for me than this (and in your case it turned out awesome!), so I finally decided there was no sense putting it off any further.
Thanks, LS2.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
SC,
You should be able to get info about restraining orders at the family court, too. If you call the clerk's office, they should be able to tell you what the procedures are (though they can't give you legal advice). Usually, what's required for a restraining order is an act of domestic violence (which usually includes harassment, stalking, terroristic threats, assault of any kind) between two people in a "domestic" relationship (which usually includes dating relationships or household members, or previous such relationships) AND a present need for protection (that you are currently in danger of additional such acts). State laws vary slightly, but most State laws are along those lines.
The other thing to know about ROs is that the court can usually order other kinds of relief, as well, such as requiring the abuser to continue to pay household bills, pay temporary support, participate in a batterer's counseling program, participate in drug or alcohol treatment, etc.
Keep asking questions--knowledge is power!
You should be able to get info about restraining orders at the family court, too. If you call the clerk's office, they should be able to tell you what the procedures are (though they can't give you legal advice). Usually, what's required for a restraining order is an act of domestic violence (which usually includes harassment, stalking, terroristic threats, assault of any kind) between two people in a "domestic" relationship (which usually includes dating relationships or household members, or previous such relationships) AND a present need for protection (that you are currently in danger of additional such acts). State laws vary slightly, but most State laws are along those lines.
The other thing to know about ROs is that the court can usually order other kinds of relief, as well, such as requiring the abuser to continue to pay household bills, pay temporary support, participate in a batterer's counseling program, participate in drug or alcohol treatment, etc.
Keep asking questions--knowledge is power!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Usually, what's required for a restraining order is an act of domestic violence (which usually includes harassment, stalking, terroristic threats, assault of any kind) between two people in a "domestic" relationship (which usually includes dating relationships or household members, or previous such relationships) AND a present need for protection (that you are currently in danger of additional such acts). State laws vary slightly, but most State laws are along those lines.
Aside from hitting my arm whenever he was on the phone (if he thought he was being clever, or the person on the other end was being stupid), and grabbing my arm to prevent me from leaving the car when he was yelling at me. Neither of which is illegal in Pennsylvania.
So I can't get anything regarding abuse. And for harassment, he hasn't done enough yet to have a chance to make it stick, especially since his daughter is a lawyer.
So right now I just keep documenting, and waiting for him to cross a legal line.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Um, no, "abuse" is defined at 23 Pa.C.S.A. 6102 as:
New Jersey's harassment statute is more liberal (or more strict, depending how you look at it)--it includes acts intended to "seriously annoy" the victim (late-night phone calls, a gazillion text messages, etc.)
(1) Attempting to cause or intentionally, knowingly or recklessly causing bodily injury, serious bodily injury, rape, involuntary deviate sexual intercourse, sexual assault, statutory sexual assault, aggravated indecent assault, indecent assault or incest with or without a deadly weapon.
(2) Placing another in reasonable fear of imminent serious bodily injury.
(3) The infliction of false imprisonment pursuant to 18 Pa.C.S. § 2903 (relating to false imprisonment).
(4) Physically or sexually abusing minor children, including such terms as defined in Chapter 63 (relating to child protective services).
(5) Knowingly engaging in a course of conduct or repeatedly committing acts toward another person, including following the person, without proper authority, under circumstances which place the person in reasonable fear of bodily injury. The definition of this paragraph applies only to proceedings commenced under this title and is inapplicable to any criminal prosecutions commenced under Title 18 (relating to crimes and offenses).
So it includes threatening conduct (as long as it is more than one act) and physically restraining a person, as well as verbal threats putting a person in fear of immediate serious bodily injury. It doesn't require actual physical infliction of injury.(2) Placing another in reasonable fear of imminent serious bodily injury.
(3) The infliction of false imprisonment pursuant to 18 Pa.C.S. § 2903 (relating to false imprisonment).
(4) Physically or sexually abusing minor children, including such terms as defined in Chapter 63 (relating to child protective services).
(5) Knowingly engaging in a course of conduct or repeatedly committing acts toward another person, including following the person, without proper authority, under circumstances which place the person in reasonable fear of bodily injury. The definition of this paragraph applies only to proceedings commenced under this title and is inapplicable to any criminal prosecutions commenced under Title 18 (relating to crimes and offenses).
New Jersey's harassment statute is more liberal (or more strict, depending how you look at it)--it includes acts intended to "seriously annoy" the victim (late-night phone calls, a gazillion text messages, etc.)
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