NEOMARXIST

The sun has been shining the last few days in England and today was especially nice. It is a major trigger man, it really hits you when the sun is out and old memories come flooding back; I don't know about USA or any other country but England then sun = Beer garden, well it did for me anyway. I've already been through two summers now, got sober July 8th 09, but today it just really smacked me in the face. There's many factors involved but I guess it boils down to the fact that somedays not being able to smoke, drink or drug can just seem really lousy. It was an easy way to socialise with people and feel comfortable and just care free. I guess it's because that I'm rocking my shades and that and feel more just buzzing walking round and talking to people and then it's like comedown stations when you realise that there ain't nothing to instigate... Oh well, I guess it's just part and parcel of staying sober. It comes at a cost I guess which can seem really sh*te some days but then again I guess it's just because it's the first nice weather we've had. Also it can seem difficult to get excited about stuff too, but then again that's just the price that has to be paid, it was always about the madness of getting on it for me, without that, things can seem boring and mundane sometimes. Somedays it just plain seems sh*te but then again it ain't worth the price that comes with it.

Moderation simply isn't an option and realistically I wouldn't wish to entertain that option, I liked to just get a sesh on and get f*cked up.

The sunny weather really can f*ck you up for a bit and get your mind spinning. I think seeing people playing football and frisbee and all that, all happy, also makes me feel sad too. I guess it just brings home how I can feel sad that I spent a lot of that time sad and suffering with my head.

It doesn't do me too good to overthink stuff but sometimes it can seem a real ball-ache.

But then again I guess it just shows the power of all of the emotive memories that where made back in the day. It's powerful stuff man, much of it makes me sad and I guess that's doe to thinking about stuff in the past and how things have turned out.

I guess it's all par for the course.

Peace

Dee74

Hey Neo

I can't really identify too much because the darn sun never stops here...I wish it would...but I know you'll get through today...play that tape through.

I'm still hoping you'll find a sober social crowd to fit into mate

D

yoli

I have fond memories of partying with friends and alcohol too. Lots of laughing, lots of fun. Even if I think about them right now, it makes me smile. Sometimes after a night of madness I would wake up feeling happy and relaxed - like stress had left my body. But because alcoholism is progressive, over the years I became dependent on it on a more frequent basis and in larger amounts. Our relationship changed. I abused it and it abused me.

I think we have to look at the past when we had fun with friends and alcohol as the PAST. Just like how you look at styles of clothes you used to wear as a teen. It was a hoot, but you wouldn't wear those styles anymore.

It's only been a week for me and I am having all these thoughts and reflections as I move through this process.

Best wishes!

NEOMARXIST

Yeah, Dee lol. I bet you're sick of the sun!! ha-ha. Man, in England the weather is the No1 topic of conversation!! ha-ha, Yeah, I think the hardest part of staying sober in England is the social side, no doubt about it. I think that's probably why it's so difficult, especially at University as well I guess. What is so hard is that the sober non-drinkers are naturally the people who you wouldn't tend to hang with. There's a reason people don't like to drink and party, that was what I loved most. Know what i mean? Sometimes it still can seem a little weird and difficult to get your head around. I guess it's just the type of charecter that I was/am. I liked to associate with people who liked to have a good time. Everything is ultimately based around drinking to some extent it seems. Like that's where people's buzz comes from in anticipating a night out or party, without that then it's just awkward and nervy and can seem like more of a burden than an enjoyment.

Don't get me wrong I ain't going to drink and things are going amazingly well on the whole. I can just get frustrated man, I look at myself and wonder why I struggled so much with certain stuff. It really is bizarre, I can beat myself up about it and that doesn't do me no good.

I guess it's just that I wasn't a faker man, I lived that lifestyle and identity 100% and that doesn't just go away, and neither do i want it to go away either. Sometimes being clean can seem just so clean! ha-ha. I guess it's just that feeling of feeling like the dogs-B*llocks when bowling around in your shades and then just having to feel like it's somewhat boring with nothing to instigate with real passion! ha-ha, Man I could instigate a session with total passion! ha-ha. But I guess that's the reality of being an alcoholic and it's ultimately good that I know that, it ain't going to happen just for today.

The reality is that the party stopped a long time ago for me in many ways. I guess it even felt like i was partying walking around smashing tinnies and just walking around in the sun. I dunno man, I guess it's something that can just smack you in the face sometimes for various reasons. The good news is that it doesn't last and it's all part of the journey and why it isn't an easy journey.

Peace

Hevyn

Thanks, Neo. Glad for the reminder, as it'll soon be beach weather here & plenty of triggers will be coming at us from all directions.

I quit in the month of January, and when the spring weather arrived I remember being positively angry & resentful that I couldn't 'celebrate' in my usual way. (Despite how not fun it ended up being.) I remember driving to the beach with friends and actually choking up as we got there. That first year was the worst - and what a powerful pull there was - to try just once more to control it. It can be overwhelming, no matter how we tell ourselves it would only lead us back to hell.

I know we say it all the time to each other, and to our newcomers - but it really does get better as we go along. I still have a slight longing, but it's nowhere near as intense. We do get used to living our lives in a different way. We can be happy & content with our new way of living.

Hoping you will have a lovely summer, Neo my friend.