some questions
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 4
some questions
Good Morning All,
I've got some questions and am so relieved to finally have some place to come with them. My dh came home last night after he had been drinking, and had a 6-pack with him to continue. How do you deal with an alcoholic while they're intoxicated? Am I supposed to just ignore that fact as best as I can and go on with what I'm doing?
Also, if he's in that state and tries to kiss or hug me, it just makes me sick. I can't stand that alcohol smell. Then, he gets mad at me. Do I tell him, while he's sober, that he's free to drink if he wants to, but that there can't be any "physical activity" if he does, not to punish him, but just because I don't enjoy it then?
One more question, about the kids. I don't know if they realize that their Dad drinks too much. I'm sure they've overheard some arguments about the subject, but should I actually talk to the ones that are old enough. The oldest is 11. They adore their Dad and I try not to talk badly about him, even if he misses games or break promises because he's crashed in his chair. Actually, he plays with them more while he's drinking, until he crashes.
I hope that isn't too much to ask at one time.
Rae
I've got some questions and am so relieved to finally have some place to come with them. My dh came home last night after he had been drinking, and had a 6-pack with him to continue. How do you deal with an alcoholic while they're intoxicated? Am I supposed to just ignore that fact as best as I can and go on with what I'm doing?
Also, if he's in that state and tries to kiss or hug me, it just makes me sick. I can't stand that alcohol smell. Then, he gets mad at me. Do I tell him, while he's sober, that he's free to drink if he wants to, but that there can't be any "physical activity" if he does, not to punish him, but just because I don't enjoy it then?
One more question, about the kids. I don't know if they realize that their Dad drinks too much. I'm sure they've overheard some arguments about the subject, but should I actually talk to the ones that are old enough. The oldest is 11. They adore their Dad and I try not to talk badly about him, even if he misses games or break promises because he's crashed in his chair. Actually, he plays with them more while he's drinking, until he crashes.
I hope that isn't too much to ask at one time.
Rae
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Hey Rae,
I can tell you how I have handled these different issues...that doesn't mean that it is the standard "procedure". Each family and situation is different even though we have a common ground. You have to make choices for what you can live with and what keeps you and your children safe.
When my A has been drinking I generally go about my business. That doesn't mean I ignore him, but I won't engage in "discussions" with him. He is usually looking for a "debate." I will answer, but with out the "tone" in my voice. You know the one, disgust, anger and resentment. I try to be as I would any other sober day.
I did talk with my husband about physical contact when he has been drinking....mind you this wasn't a one time conversation...and he now knows that it isn't going to happen. We talked when he was sober and I had to stand my ground when he was....sometimes that meant sleeping on the couch!!
My oldest child is 12 and he is aware....that has been the hardest. Now my 8 year old is beginning to be aware. I have had to tell them (the kids) in front of them and their dad that they couldn't go with him because he had been drinking. Their safety comes 1st. Your children probably know a lot more than you realize they do. I have tried with mine to help them realize that the "crisis's" that arize weren't caused by them...but by bad choices that their father made. I have told them that adults make bad choices just like kids and that alcohol tricks the mind and causes bad decision. It is a tough call....take is slow....work on you to feel more confident before you go barrelling in with info for them.
I can't tell you how much my life has changed in the past year and a half, things aren't perfect. I am work in progress, but my life has become MUCH more managible.
Constant
I can tell you how I have handled these different issues...that doesn't mean that it is the standard "procedure". Each family and situation is different even though we have a common ground. You have to make choices for what you can live with and what keeps you and your children safe.
When my A has been drinking I generally go about my business. That doesn't mean I ignore him, but I won't engage in "discussions" with him. He is usually looking for a "debate." I will answer, but with out the "tone" in my voice. You know the one, disgust, anger and resentment. I try to be as I would any other sober day.
I did talk with my husband about physical contact when he has been drinking....mind you this wasn't a one time conversation...and he now knows that it isn't going to happen. We talked when he was sober and I had to stand my ground when he was....sometimes that meant sleeping on the couch!!
My oldest child is 12 and he is aware....that has been the hardest. Now my 8 year old is beginning to be aware. I have had to tell them (the kids) in front of them and their dad that they couldn't go with him because he had been drinking. Their safety comes 1st. Your children probably know a lot more than you realize they do. I have tried with mine to help them realize that the "crisis's" that arize weren't caused by them...but by bad choices that their father made. I have told them that adults make bad choices just like kids and that alcohol tricks the mind and causes bad decision. It is a tough call....take is slow....work on you to feel more confident before you go barrelling in with info for them.
I can't tell you how much my life has changed in the past year and a half, things aren't perfect. I am work in progress, but my life has become MUCH more managible.
Constant
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: madison, connecticut
Posts: 21
I understand what you mean when you say that he plays with them more when he has been drinking (before the crasch). When I left my husband he told me that he thinks he is more motivated with his kids when he drinks. As for talking to your kids about their father's drinking...thats a tough one. I had to talk to mine after my husband took them out to a restaurant/bar for 5 hours, drove them home drunk & then left them home alone @ 11pm to try and find me. My kids were 10 & 7 at the time. I felt I had to talk to them somewhat for their own safety. It's a terrible situation. Good Luck.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Rae,
I can't talk about the kiddies situation as mine is only 4 and I think he is only now becoming aware of the problem as my ah has been on and off the wagon most of his life. He has more sober time then drinking time. The other thing that I have told the ah is that if he's going to drink, he's NOT going to be around our son as he doesn't need to see his dad in that condition. Hasn't always worked.
For the other part, I've told him point blank, I will not touch him when he's been drinking as it repulses my stomach to smell it all over him...and just like constant, there have been nights where I've slept on the couch! He has gotten the point. Also, just like constant, I go about my business as usual when he's drinking and I've tried to make sure that I don't have a "tone" in my voice that can be mistaken for anything else. I usually try to avoid the touchy subjects. The other thing I've done, which was a hard move for me, is that the day after he got himself good and drunk, I've started treating him like nothing happened..wasn't always easy...I've had many days where I wanted to slap him or spit in his food, but then decided no, I teach my students to "treat others as you want to be treated" and I try to model that at school so I need to model it at home as well. So I've been treating him with respect, and dignity and for us, it has made a change!
Good luck and remember, the only dumb questions are the ones we don't ask!
Keep coming back
Sped teach
I can't talk about the kiddies situation as mine is only 4 and I think he is only now becoming aware of the problem as my ah has been on and off the wagon most of his life. He has more sober time then drinking time. The other thing that I have told the ah is that if he's going to drink, he's NOT going to be around our son as he doesn't need to see his dad in that condition. Hasn't always worked.
For the other part, I've told him point blank, I will not touch him when he's been drinking as it repulses my stomach to smell it all over him...and just like constant, there have been nights where I've slept on the couch! He has gotten the point. Also, just like constant, I go about my business as usual when he's drinking and I've tried to make sure that I don't have a "tone" in my voice that can be mistaken for anything else. I usually try to avoid the touchy subjects. The other thing I've done, which was a hard move for me, is that the day after he got himself good and drunk, I've started treating him like nothing happened..wasn't always easy...I've had many days where I wanted to slap him or spit in his food, but then decided no, I teach my students to "treat others as you want to be treated" and I try to model that at school so I need to model it at home as well. So I've been treating him with respect, and dignity and for us, it has made a change!
Good luck and remember, the only dumb questions are the ones we don't ask!
Keep coming back
Sped teach
....or at least hoping I am.
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Sunny Florida
Posts: 29
((GA Girl))
Welcome and you are not alone in your feelings as you can tell.
Although my A husband's DOC is not alcohol - I have dealt w/ exactly what you are talking about. For me personally, I have told him when he was sober that when he chooses to use I will sleep on the couch or w/ dd. Also, there will be no 'philisophical' talks when he is using as he tends to keep me up until 2 or 3 am wanting to 'talk' about things. Often, my husband does drink to calm down after using crack and has often gotten agitated or violent (not towards me or dd - but more to himself because of his guilt and depression of using) and on those nights dd and I will leave.
After he has used - I have found for our family it keeps peace when I keep an even tone and treat him decently. I still tell him how dissapointed I am and how hurt and angry I am - but when I do it in a calm and in a decent behavior it tends to make a bigger impact on him then laying more guilt on him that he is already laying on himself. It also shows that I am not letting his behavior affect mine.
As for your children, they probably know more than you think. Our 10 yo was 4 when her daddy went into rehab and thought that he was 'at school'. I just thought she was too young. Now, however, she knows that daddy drinks but she doesn't know about the 'drugs'. Her and I have a very open line of communication and I am always there when the many promises have been broken and birthday's and holidays have been celebrated w/o him. You only know your children and what is best for them. I have chosen to allow her to talk about her feelings and I will frequently ask her if she is ok. Like I said, she knows that daddy drinks but doesn't know the full extent of what he using. I often pray that God would cover her eyes and ears from things and He has many many times (especially when drug dealers were at our house and I had to call the police). You may want to think about talking to them and just see exactly how THEY feel or what they think about Daddy so you can be there for them. Just be careful and not bash or bad mouth dad in front of them.
Praying for you and your family!!
Although my A husband's DOC is not alcohol - I have dealt w/ exactly what you are talking about. For me personally, I have told him when he was sober that when he chooses to use I will sleep on the couch or w/ dd. Also, there will be no 'philisophical' talks when he is using as he tends to keep me up until 2 or 3 am wanting to 'talk' about things. Often, my husband does drink to calm down after using crack and has often gotten agitated or violent (not towards me or dd - but more to himself because of his guilt and depression of using) and on those nights dd and I will leave.
After he has used - I have found for our family it keeps peace when I keep an even tone and treat him decently. I still tell him how dissapointed I am and how hurt and angry I am - but when I do it in a calm and in a decent behavior it tends to make a bigger impact on him then laying more guilt on him that he is already laying on himself. It also shows that I am not letting his behavior affect mine.
As for your children, they probably know more than you think. Our 10 yo was 4 when her daddy went into rehab and thought that he was 'at school'. I just thought she was too young. Now, however, she knows that daddy drinks but she doesn't know about the 'drugs'. Her and I have a very open line of communication and I am always there when the many promises have been broken and birthday's and holidays have been celebrated w/o him. You only know your children and what is best for them. I have chosen to allow her to talk about her feelings and I will frequently ask her if she is ok. Like I said, she knows that daddy drinks but doesn't know the full extent of what he using. I often pray that God would cover her eyes and ears from things and He has many many times (especially when drug dealers were at our house and I had to call the police). You may want to think about talking to them and just see exactly how THEY feel or what they think about Daddy so you can be there for them. Just be careful and not bash or bad mouth dad in front of them.
Praying for you and your family!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: North America
Posts: 362
Rae,
Welcome...you have found a wonderful place here....1st of all please keep coming back.
The first thing I had to start working and to me is most important is my reaction. My reactions were killing me. I was reacting to my X-A in a way that was unhealthy, examples...getting angry, isolating myself and our daughter, and over time it was making me emiotionally unstable to the point to where I was in my doctors office.
You have a lot of questions and over time and learning about the disease you will get answers to all of those. It starts with today, just the next 24 hours and what you will do differently, even if it is choosing NOT to react to your husbands drinking, or just choosing to do something good for you today.
Take a look around this place, read all you can it really helps...
Keep coming back...
Many hugs!
Welcome...you have found a wonderful place here....1st of all please keep coming back.
The first thing I had to start working and to me is most important is my reaction. My reactions were killing me. I was reacting to my X-A in a way that was unhealthy, examples...getting angry, isolating myself and our daughter, and over time it was making me emiotionally unstable to the point to where I was in my doctors office.
You have a lot of questions and over time and learning about the disease you will get answers to all of those. It starts with today, just the next 24 hours and what you will do differently, even if it is choosing NOT to react to your husbands drinking, or just choosing to do something good for you today.
Take a look around this place, read all you can it really helps...
Keep coming back...
Many hugs!
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