TotallyFedUp

A bit of my history...My husband & I have been together for 16 years or so & it has basically taken me that long to figure out that he is an alcoholic. He is not a sloppy drunk so although I thought he drank too much, I didn't realize that that was really the problem in our marriage (or the manifestation of his problems)...things have progressively gotten worse over the years and I have gotten worse and worse (feeling worse about myself, less able to function for my kids). At the end of January, after a weekend of heavy drinking & arguing, I told him that if he didn't deal with his drinking problem, I was going to leave. I told him that it wasn't a threat, it was reality. That was a step for me, because I have made a lot of empty threats in the past. He acknowleged that he is an alcohol (big step) and vowed to quit drinking. It wasn't like, "oh! I'm soooo sorry..I'll quit"...It was more like, "F*** it, it's not worth it...I'll just quit". Fine. However it happened, I was glad. That lasted 2 days, followed by 1 night of light drinking, 1 sober night and so on. That pattern continued for awhile and then the drinking escalated. Last Sunday night, after 2 nights in a row of heavy, heavy drinking, I finally grew the balls to tell him to leave. Unbelievable. In all these years, I have never done something like that. He couldn't believe it either. 2 hours later, he finally left. Anyhow, I did let him come back the next night, after we had spoken, he had apologized & asked for a second chance. He is not an apologizer and asking for a "second chance" is WAY out of character...so I felt that he was sincerely trying. He told me that he didn't know if he could assure me that he would NEVER drink again, but that he would try.

That was Monday. He has not had a drink since. Things are going very well. He is helping with kids! We haven't had a fight! However, I am treading lightly because I know he doesn't want to talk about it (the not drinking) and absolutely doesn't want anything to do with AA.

For months I have been reading everything I can get my hands on & have started going to Al-Anon. I am scared because what he is doing sounds so familiar to me from reading stories of people who stopped drinking (sometimes for years) but didn't "recover" b/c they didn't do the work...

I'm not sure what the best course of action is for me now. How can I be supportive of his efforts & guide him into recovery if he doesn't even want to talk about what he is going through? I know he is having a terrible time sleeping and I'm sure the urges are killing him. I am sympathic and want to help him, but he won't let me in.

I am afraid I just have to wait for him to relapse, kick him out again & then insist on recovery if he wants to come back.

Any advice or suggestions?

wicked

TotallyFedUp,
I am glad you found your way here. There are many helpful and kind people who will be here soon with some good support for you.

Continue to live your life and get all you can out of AlAnon.
Please do not wait for the relapse, kicking him out and insisting on recovery.

Back away from him and start to take care of yourself. He must do his own recovery.

Beth

laurie6781

You can't. It's that simple. Either he will find the outside help he needs, or he will stay miserable enough to drink again.

So ............................ what you can do is work on you, put an emergency plan in place 'just in case' (as alcoholism is progressive and should he go back to drinking he could become extremely abusive), keep working on you and the type of life you want for you and your kids. Do not kid yourself, no matter what their age, the children 'sense' the tension and know something is not right in their lives.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

prich

I live with a dry AH too. Not taking a drink, as we know, is just part of their issues that have nearly destroyed our families. I have been involved here on SR and going to Al Anon for almost a year and I honestly dont know what I would have done without the support I have received. I also have done other things that were just for me. My AH has no program of recovery. Just for today he has not had a drink. I have NO expectations only hope. Take good care of yourself and those you love.

TotallyFedUp

Thank you, Beth. I am glad I found this place too. It is very comforting to me that I'm not alone in this.

Thanks Laurie...You're right to say that either he will find the help he needs or he won't. I have trouble with the fact that I can't control the situation and that I shouldn't even try. However, I'm also relieved to know that I can't really "control" the situation. For years, I have been trying while not even knowing that I was. I was feeling victimized while at the same time trying to manipulate his behavior - I have become someone I don't like very much. I am now working on getting back to the person I like

Thanks for sharing this, Prich...It makes me feel so much better to know I am not alone and not crazy! I plan to keep going to Al-anon to seek out the support that I need and to work harder on detaching, which is a major problem for me.
Thanks again

Buffalo66

I lived with my RAH for four months after rehab, until him being a dry, but not recovering Alcoholic was too much for me, him, and our son to deal with.

He lives in an apartment, and there he is welcome to pretend that his life is going great in between panic, not sleeping, and persecution delusions.

The alcoholism is usually a symptom of deeper behavioral issues, not to mention they have not been living in reality for the duration of their use.

I feel for you. It feels like walking on eggshells when they are just sitting there letting life go by, not in recovery, not really taking part in it so much. Seeming and sometimes acting like there are major dramas, or issues that are just in their heads.

I feel better, but my A complains constantly via text or phone call that being sober is so hard, and life is tough, and he cant...meow meow...He is not in recovery. I am told by some old timers in the program, that his behavior does not have a good prognosis.

I said,"how long can he live like this? will he just go on white knuckling,not dealing with the issues under the drinking? Can he be happy like that?"

Each one says, he might go on for a while, but its a slow slide on a slippery slope.
He may have to hit a different bottom.
And maybe he wil not be able to do that without losing his PHYSICAL sobriety...

Truth is, I couldnt handle the pressure of being his rock. I was being blamed one minute and heralded the next. The mood swings were/are incomprehensible.

He is "dealing" with it on his own, now, having a reall bash of a pity party.