Christine2011

Hello all, I am new to this forum. I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we have lived together for the past 6 months. I knew that prior to us getting together he had a problem with prescription painkillers. Thing is, I thought it was just a part of his past. Last week, a family member of mine (who also has an addiction to prescription drugs) ran into him at a methadone/suboxone clinic and told me about it. When I asked my bf about it, he told me he has been on suboxone for the last 3 years! I feel so misled and betrayed. He thinks it's a great thing that he's on suboxone but in my eyes, he is replacing one drug with another. He said he is not ready to get off suboxone, but it's been 3 years! I think he is now addicted to the suboxone! He shows some signs of drug use, like nodding out for example, however he always pays his share of the bills (we split everything 50/50) and takes good care of his child (who he had before he was with me). I really don't know what to do here, I mean is it really that big of a deal that he's on soboxone? Am I overreacting? He says it's no big deal because it's better than the alternative and I agree, but if it were the alternative, I wouldn't have gotten together with him in the first place (had I known)! He doesn't understand how this feels for me to just be finding all this out. He says I don't understand (I have never been on any drugs, but I actually had a boyfriend who was an addict before & swore I would never do it again). Any advice? Thanks!!

CaliSoca

from what I've been learning (pls see my mess of a thread. haha), he's just replacing one drug with another, and he's probably addicted to the soboxone. Three years IS a long time...but i've read that some people have to be on the maintenance program for life.

good luck, girl.

JustMe100

<sigh> at least it's legal.

I would have trust issues though, if I were with someone for 2 years and they never felt the need to tell me they were on it.

Now that you know, maybe you can encourage him wean off of it-with professional help, of course.

I feel bad for you and hope you can work through it. I hate, hate, hate these drugs!

Kindeyes

Christine2011
Welcome to SR.......this is a great place to gather information and understand the disease of addiction and codependence. There are many here who have a wealth of knowledge and experience.

I can understand your feelings. I guess my own perspective regarding drug addiction has a lot to do with behavior and what I can and cannot accept.

I don't have any experience with suboxone but others will be along who can provide some insight for you.

gentle hugs
ke

newby1961

I couldn't of said it any better cynical one

I also wanted to tell you there is a thread on here that is about this very topic so try and look for it.

Christine2011

Thank you all for the information and support! I do understand why he didn't tell me he was on suboxone, however I still feel that I deserved to know, especially before moving in with him. He flat out told me he was not on anything and that was all part of his past and hasn't done anything the entire time we've been together (actually he said he hasn't done anything since his daughter was born 3 years ago). But since we are already living together, I am going to try and be supportive, I love him and don't want our relationship to be ruined because of this. The issue now is that he doesn't want to talk about it at all with me, he just wants it to be over. I would like to talk about it with him and for him to be open with me so that we can work on getting him off the suboxone. So frustrating!

Christine2011

"So it comes back to behaviors, you said he's paying his way, which means he is steadily employed. Is he abusive- emotionally, verbally, physically? Does he frequently lie either outright or by omission? Does he disappear for hours or days at a time? Does he help around the house or just lay on the sofa like a lump? Does he participate in events- school activities, going to the park with his child, shopping, hobbies, movies, dinners out, visiting with family and friends? Does he blow through money, lose it frequently, or is it ever missing? Do items in the home disappear with no explanation? Are his behaviors acceptable to you or not?" - Cynical One


He has a full time job and we have his daughter stay with us every other week for the full week. He's not abusive or anything like that and he is home with me every night. I have been with an "active" addict before so I know how that is, I lived with him up until the day I came home from work to find my couches and TV missing (sold), then I decided I couldn't and wouldn't put up with it anymore and kicked him out. Even though my current boyfriend is nothing like that, that experience is probably why I feel so strongly that this is wrong. I don't want to go down that road again.

Christine2011

Thank you for the advice. When I said it's so frustrating, I meant the feeling that I was misled. I made a promise to myself I would never get involved with an addict again so when I found all this out, I felt that I had been lied to this whole time. I never would have chose to be in this relationship had I known this man was still in recovery. Might sound mean, but I know how easy it is to relapse. He is still hanging out with the same people, and all his friends and coworkers use drugs. The ONLY reason he doesn't must be because of the suboxone. So I guess it's better for him to stay on it. I don't know. This is just a lot for me to deal with, I'm glad I found this forum.

Chino

(((Christine))), you have every reason to be upset about being lied to. Your boundaries were violated. Had you not been deceived, you would have walked away from the start. You can still walk away if you want. Or stay. Whatever you choose, please don't let sympathy or feelings of guilt, be a part of your decision making process. Whatever you decide, make sure it's the right thing for YOU before anyone else. You're the one that has to live with your choice and he's the one who has to live with his disease.

tbeit

I would question the family members motive. Why would they stir this up if you weren't having any problems your boyfriend was paying all his bills,being a good father,not abusive! Sounds to me like your boyfriend is working a program of recovery. Everybody has their own path three years sounds like he has found his

hello-kitty

Addicts that are in recovery and truly committed to staying off drugs do not hang out with people who use drugs - it increases the chance of a relapse by one hundred fold and additionally, why would you want to! Please don't be naive. Read all you can on this website and elsewhere.

I don't recall him asking for your help to get off suboxone. It doesn't sound like he even wanted you to know that he was on suboxone until he got caught. Quite likely he doesn't want to get off it and that's why he doesn't want to talk about it. It's his choice. His life. His problem to deal with.

You get to choose what you will and will not accept as far as treatment from the people you love and trust. You get to choose... do you want to be in a relationship with a person who hangs out with drug addicts and has to take suboxone in order to maintain a somewhat "normal" existence? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who nods off? Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who has been hiding things from you for the last three years?

And why??

Maybe make a list of pros and cons of being in a relationship with him... just so you can have a more subjective perspective on things as they are right now, not how you wish them to be.

It sounds like you have a history of dating addicts. Have you considered alanon? Its a support group for friends and family of drug addicts. You might find it helpful. It's important that you work on your own program of recovery, and let your boyfriend work on his.

Christine2011

The family member who told me this was my mother, she has been taking my younger brother to this clinic for the past few weeks for methadone treatment for prescription drug addiction. I understand why she felt like I should know. But aside from this, he is a great person and I want to be there for him and support him, it just bothers me that he doesn't want me to be involved or talk to me about it, BUT I get it. I'm glad he is recovering but I just don't want to be left in the dark, especially now that we live together.

cece1960

Hi Christine,

The statement above kind of jumped out at me.
Recovery is not an event, or a time frame, or a condition, its more a chosen way of life. it sounds like your BF chooses to use subs as an aid in helping to maintain/sustain his recovery, as he defines it.

The fact that he did have "a problem" with pain pills in his past is the real issue. Its my experience that in most cases "a problem" can be translated to "an addiction to" and thats something you will never change. It is what it is, and your BF now relies on subs to help beat the beast.

You can accept this and stay, or you can leave the relationship, the choice is yours.

(((Hugs)))

Christine2011

I probably will never understand, because I have never been an addict. I want him to just stop so we can have a normal life together. But I know that's not going to happen. That's why I am here- to learn what I can do to support him and also what to do for myself. I don't want to leave him; I love him and we were planning a future together. It just scares the hell out of me to plan a future with an addict.

Christine2011

[QUOTE=cece1960;2902265] it sounds like your BF chooses to use subs as an aid in helping to maintain/sustain his recovery, as he defines it.

[QUOTE]

Cece- Exactly, he said the suboxen is his "security blanket".

cece1960

I would imigine after all this time the subs feel more like a life-line than a security blanket

Seeking11

I'm having a similar problem... only my boyfriend is addicted to the subs. He's not interested in the pills he used to be addicted to. Its like he's replaced one addiction with another. In the beginning, he was seeing a doctor, and had a prescription for them. But for the past few years, he's been just buying them off the street. He says he's ready to get off of them, and that he IS getting off of them. I've been hearing that for a couple of years now. I'm trying to be supportive, and trying to not lose hope... but this is SO HARD. I've also never been in his position - I've never taken anything like that, never known what it was like to be addicted to something. But I feel like I'm just being told what I want to hear...