Jayner

I've seen this question asked so many times. I've asked it countless times. My kids asked each other the same thing, I'm sure (not out loud to me, but how could they help not feel that way?). And for a while I didn't understand why my ABF chose drugs over his kids. While I watch all of this unfold, and participate in it myself....I realized - I wasn't choosing drugs (I used coke when they were very young, muscle relaxers and benzos when they got old enough to remember...and everything else inbetween) over them or because of them. My mom was a heavy alcoholic until the day she died (at 83 - that was a miracle). Why did she choose vodka over me? Why did I choose over my own kids, and now why is my bf choosing heroin over his own kids?

Now I'm working to (hopefully) help my girls understand that I didn't choose drugs over them. I just chose drugs. Period. My choices had nothing to do with anything or anyone else. I wasn't thinking of anyone else. I hope someday my girls (now lovely adults with families of their own) can see that. Oh, I know it's not an excuse. There is no excuse for my behavior and my choices. I haven't used "drugs" in many, many years. But I've been around people who do.

I'm working to break my addiction to the BF. He is a codependent's dream. I admit it, I loved it. I loved that he "NEEDED" me. I loved how he dragged me into his chaos. And I knew exactly what I was doing. I chose to put myself there. Now I've chosen to get myself out. But I think I still kinda like him.

coffeedrinker

good for you, jayner. there's a lot of healing to do, but a very worthwhile prize on the other side.

Rooberri

I really beleive the first step in recovery is admitting the problem.

Good for you !

I found it helpful to have reminders of my recovery in different places so that I can stay strong. Once everyone finds out you are working on yourself....some how every one starts trying to pull your strings....

Stay focused and you can do it !

Roo