Unexpected turn of events and anxious
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Unexpected turn of events and anxious
He got the papers over the weekend and was waiting for me at work this morning unexpectedly. He walked right into my office to inform me that I had been paged already at work but he wanted to let me know a few things first.
I asked him to call me that night - he went on anyway to say he got the paperwork and was making calls. Found out things he thought I might want to know. I repeated my request for him to call at night.
He left but five minutes later in a very public place at work yelled - forget the phone call - if you want a fight in court - you have one! and then walked away. I went to my supervisor (whom I had informed weeks ago that this might happen) and we talked. She will be talking to his supervisor about setting firm limits at work. She then had me write everything down and call my lawyer about what steps to take at work given the situation.
I hate to admit this - but it really shook me up. He is obviously angry and my supervisor said she noticed this cold streak in him and told me that others had noticed his anger even tho it doesnt reveal itself at work. She reassured me that they would protect me at work as much as possible.
She also confirmed how much she and others noticed how well I continued to perform my work duties and maintain a high level of professionalism. She also added that many ppl obviously care about me at work which is something to feel good about.
I have to go for now but am asking for ESH.
Thanks!
I asked him to call me that night - he went on anyway to say he got the paperwork and was making calls. Found out things he thought I might want to know. I repeated my request for him to call at night.
He left but five minutes later in a very public place at work yelled - forget the phone call - if you want a fight in court - you have one! and then walked away. I went to my supervisor (whom I had informed weeks ago that this might happen) and we talked. She will be talking to his supervisor about setting firm limits at work. She then had me write everything down and call my lawyer about what steps to take at work given the situation.
I hate to admit this - but it really shook me up. He is obviously angry and my supervisor said she noticed this cold streak in him and told me that others had noticed his anger even tho it doesnt reveal itself at work. She reassured me that they would protect me at work as much as possible.
She also confirmed how much she and others noticed how well I continued to perform my work duties and maintain a high level of professionalism. She also added that many ppl obviously care about me at work which is something to feel good about.
I have to go for now but am asking for ESH.
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
I hate to admit this - but it really shook me up.
All that noise will probably amount to nothing, and you have the support of your coworkers.
You are doing great Kassie.
Beth
:ghug3
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
(((((Kassie))))) I'm sorry to hear that he has chosen to respond in anger. What great news, though, that your supervisor is aware of the situation and is willing to support and protect you at work.
I hope that you have a plan for the hours of the day outside of work in case he decides to approach you at home or elsewhere.
Hugs and prayers, HG
I hope that you have a plan for the hours of the day outside of work in case he decides to approach you at home or elsewhere.
Hugs and prayers, HG
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
I'm glad to read the management is going to become involved
in keeping you safe.
The fact that he would just weak right in and disrupt your workplace
is proof supreme
he doesn't think of you as a person
you are property.
Only very frightened bullys yell stuff like that for dramatic exit.
He's scared. Big time.
Be very very careful.
in keeping you safe.
The fact that he would just weak right in and disrupt your workplace
is proof supreme
he doesn't think of you as a person
you are property.
Only very frightened bullys yell stuff like that for dramatic exit.
He's scared. Big time.
Be very very careful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Only very frightened bullys yell stuff like that for dramatic exit.
Funny enough, years after being divorced, i told him
"stop being such a drama queen"
(he was always moaning about what he HAD to do, he HAD NO freedom.
pffffffft.
Kassie, you took very good care of yourself, and your were reminded that others know he is the one with the problem, not you.
Beth
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Kassie, you are doing great.
You are doing what you need to do, and you are getting help where you need to get help. This is good.
He feels threatened, because now he is being forced out of his comfort zone. You already have a lawyer, you have resources, you will be okay.
Document, document, document. You may never need it - but the more you have, the better protected you are.
You might want to consider looking into numbers to program into your cell phone's speed dial. I have the local police on mine; I have never had to use it, but it makes me feel safer. I also have my psychologist and the work psychologist.
If you feel threatened at work you have friends, ask someone to walk with you.
If you are worried he might start crossing lines, I have some pepper spray you can borrow. (XABF bought it for me, and he is the only one I have aimed it at. What a perfect gift. *Grins*)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Kassie, if you *hadn't* been shaken up by this, I'd think you were a robot. It's only natural to feel what you do! Taking that into consideration, I think you handled the situation wonderfully: you remained calm, you requested that he leave and discuss this personal matter later, after the yelling incident, you discussed things with your supervisor and contacted your lawyer to prevent further events from occurring. Marvelous! Even, "professional" if one might say so.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Generally, when the other person gets served with divorced papers, there's always a bit of drama. I dreaded having my ex served but I knew it was my only way out...so I told the bailiff exactly how to get into his apartment building without having to buzz in, to ensure that he'd be served.
*hugs* to you. You're doing great!
I'm sorry you had to deal with this. Generally, when the other person gets served with divorced papers, there's always a bit of drama. I dreaded having my ex served but I knew it was my only way out...so I told the bailiff exactly how to get into his apartment building without having to buzz in, to ensure that he'd be served.
*hugs* to you. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Sorry to hear about the drama, kassie.
I don't know your full background on this but here's some good news.
Anything he does that is general publicly disruptive can only make things look better for you. Keep walking that high road.
I don't know your full background on this but here's some good news.
Anything he does that is general publicly disruptive can only make things look better for you. Keep walking that high road.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Continued...
Lawyer was in court all day but had his sec call and schedule me in tomorrow.
I suspect AH is angry not about the divorce - but that it states the reason is his drinking. Second is a threat of losing his car which is in both names and he is refusing to refinance or sell.
Now I am being told that there is some delay that we have to talk over. The original was filed ( by AH) but not ordered. So the amended is in suspended animation somewhere in the great beyond ????
I am a bit shaky at this point wondering what will happen next.
Supervisor told me at the end of the day that AH super wasn't in today and she will catch tomorrow - oh grand! more drama tomorrow!
Lawyer was in court all day but had his sec call and schedule me in tomorrow.
I suspect AH is angry not about the divorce - but that it states the reason is his drinking. Second is a threat of losing his car which is in both names and he is refusing to refinance or sell.
Now I am being told that there is some delay that we have to talk over. The original was filed ( by AH) but not ordered. So the amended is in suspended animation somewhere in the great beyond ????
I am a bit shaky at this point wondering what will happen next.
Supervisor told me at the end of the day that AH super wasn't in today and she will catch tomorrow - oh grand! more drama tomorrow!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Kassie...delays are common in legal proceedings. There may be some missing documentation or a change at the court house. In my case, they "lost" my file the day I was in court.
It'll all be ok. Post here if you need to vent!
And as of your STBXAH being peeved about his drinking being cited as the reason for divorce, I don't really see how he can contest that. He can go suck on lemons....
It'll all be ok. Post here if you need to vent!
And as of your STBXAH being peeved about his drinking being cited as the reason for divorce, I don't really see how he can contest that. He can go suck on lemons....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Just got the call from AH - he is peeved about bringing up his A problem and threatened me. Note to self - document it!
Is asking me for the money to refinance because it is costly. Otherwise he says he is not going to agree to any divorce. Come on now? Really???? You don't want to get as far away from me as possible???? Well, now I do!
Thinks we can still go the route of doing it ourselves???? ARe you kidding????
I explained that it is not a choice about the car - I explained that I have requested a court order.
I told him to call my lawyer and work out the details and reminded him that we are getting divorced because we couldn't talk through anything before what makes him think we can do this now? I hired a lawyer because he wouldn't listen to me!
Is asking me for the money to refinance because it is costly. Otherwise he says he is not going to agree to any divorce. Come on now? Really???? You don't want to get as far away from me as possible???? Well, now I do!
Thinks we can still go the route of doing it ourselves???? ARe you kidding????
I explained that it is not a choice about the car - I explained that I have requested a court order.
I told him to call my lawyer and work out the details and reminded him that we are getting divorced because we couldn't talk through anything before what makes him think we can do this now? I hired a lawyer because he wouldn't listen to me!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I suspect AH is angry not about the divorce - but that it states the reason is his drinking.
Sorry things are so rough but I second what others have said about it being a blessing in disguise in a way that he's done things in public with witnesses--- that will ultimately help you....
Hang in there...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Is asking me for the money to refinance because it is costly. Otherwise he says he is not going to agree to any divorce. Come on now? Really???? You don't want to get as far away from me as possible???? Well, now I do!
Oh, Kassie's estranged husband, you are such a silly man. You will not agree to a divorce because you cannot finance your own car? soon enough, your car, your problem.
I told him to call my lawyer and work out the details and reminded him that we are getting divorced because we couldn't talk through anything before what makes him think we can do this now? I hired a lawyer because he wouldn't listen to me!
My ex thought I would not out him because at one time, I thought it would make me look bad, turns out I had nothing to do with him making himself look bad.
Whenever possible, keep him out of your area.
If he has no need to be there, then bust him every time.
"talk to my lawyer, and get away from me."
Beth
when all else fails, i have a very small dog who will sense bad stuff coming and bark very loudly at anyone you find offensive. her barking will over power any silly quacking.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yes, please keep documenting all threats, including veiled threats to kill, punish or harm you. If he ever slips up and makes a clear threat, make sure to file a police report and involve your lawyer asap. You may be able to include a restraining order or a mutual no contact order in your divorce. Additionnally, if he has a history of abuse, you may be able to have your divorce granted early due to cruelty (what happened in my case).
Redirect him to your lawyer any time he contacts you. Block emails, phone numbers, FB, etc. Perhaps later on, when he realizes the cost of dealing exclusively with lawyers, he'll calm down enough to agree to mediation sessions, so you can draw up an agreement...or you can talk to your lawyers about having him pay half of the legal fees involved in the divorce proceedings.
Hugs to you Kassie. You'll get through this!
Redirect him to your lawyer any time he contacts you. Block emails, phone numbers, FB, etc. Perhaps later on, when he realizes the cost of dealing exclusively with lawyers, he'll calm down enough to agree to mediation sessions, so you can draw up an agreement...or you can talk to your lawyers about having him pay half of the legal fees involved in the divorce proceedings.
Hugs to you Kassie. You'll get through this!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Breathe.
Relax.
You have the right support.
You have us to help your mental state.
You have your supervisor and his supervisor to help with his behavior at work.
You have your lawyer to help you with the legal things.
You know the right things to do.
You have been doing them.
All you have to do is continue to do them.
He does not want to take responsibility for his actions.
As a result, he will blame the most convenient scapegoat.
In this case, it is you, because you are the one who wants his current comfortable existence to change.
You know what to do.
Just keep doing it.
Be yourself, stand your ground.
This is his problem, because he made it a problem.
This is not your problem, because it's not a problem.
You are stronger than you admit to yourself!
You will be fine!
Relax.
You have the right support.
You have us to help your mental state.
You have your supervisor and his supervisor to help with his behavior at work.
You have your lawyer to help you with the legal things.
You know the right things to do.
You have been doing them.
All you have to do is continue to do them.
He does not want to take responsibility for his actions.
As a result, he will blame the most convenient scapegoat.
In this case, it is you, because you are the one who wants his current comfortable existence to change.
You know what to do.
Just keep doing it.
Be yourself, stand your ground.
This is his problem, because he made it a problem.
This is not your problem, because it's not a problem.
You are stronger than you admit to yourself!
You will be fine!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
Sounds like this is escalating.
Please take care of yourself and discuss the threats with your lawyer. There are ways to protect yourself and if he violates them, he's in for a wallop of a surprise.
At a time like this, I'd be programing the local police lines into my phone. Let the cops deal with his threats. They won't accept his BS and you won't have to.
Please take care of yourself and discuss the threats with your lawyer. There are ways to protect yourself and if he violates them, he's in for a wallop of a surprise.
At a time like this, I'd be programing the local police lines into my phone. Let the cops deal with his threats. They won't accept his BS and you won't have to.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
So many voices here who have been where you are. I hope you are finding all the ESH you can absorb and it reassures you. You deserve it all!
Kassie, you have my support and my prayers. I hope this resolves without further escalation by him, though I know realistically that could happen. I know you are afraid of that as well, which is actually a good thing. If you were in denial of what an alcoholic facing their consequences is capable of, I would very concerned.
Continue taking care of you. Continue reaching out for support. Continue talking this out whenever and however you need to. Taking the high road can be a lonely stretch. Bring everyone and anyone who can offer productive support with you. It will help.
I learned first hand that when an alcoholic's ammunition begins to lose it's effect (the manipulation, control, gaslighting, blaming, guilt, pouting, etc) they begin to thrash wildly like a rabid rat in a bag. You are doing well to keep your distance and keep a watchful eye out for danger.
We are here to listen and lend our strength!
Be safe,
Alice
Kassie, you have my support and my prayers. I hope this resolves without further escalation by him, though I know realistically that could happen. I know you are afraid of that as well, which is actually a good thing. If you were in denial of what an alcoholic facing their consequences is capable of, I would very concerned.
Continue taking care of you. Continue reaching out for support. Continue talking this out whenever and however you need to. Taking the high road can be a lonely stretch. Bring everyone and anyone who can offer productive support with you. It will help.
I learned first hand that when an alcoholic's ammunition begins to lose it's effect (the manipulation, control, gaslighting, blaming, guilt, pouting, etc) they begin to thrash wildly like a rabid rat in a bag. You are doing well to keep your distance and keep a watchful eye out for danger.
We are here to listen and lend our strength!
Be safe,
Alice
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