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OT: Attracting Bullies or Controlling People

Old 03-16-2011, 11:42 AM
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OT: Attracting Bullies or Controlling People

This past week has been tough. I have been bullied by two people. For years now it has been noted that I "attract strange people." I have been told by a few friends, "People just say the rudest things to you...seriously I've never met anyone that attracts people like that."

I've really just about lost all my energy to live this way. I don't bully people or say rude things or feel that I'm doing things to bring this on. I'm nice and sometimes nice to a fault. I've worked over the last two years to put up a tougher shell, hoping that maybe that would help solve the problem. Maybe some people see me as weak and that they can say or do whatever they want to me. That doesn't seem to have made a difference.

Just this week I had went out of town to check out a place, thinking of taking a contracting job there. The place was really bad so I decided to come home and turn down the job. A much older cousin that lives 2000 miles away sent me an email on FB making some rude comments about what I did and that I needed to live in Texas. I told her thanks but no thanks and that I didn't wish to discuss it and she blew up on me! She threatened me with my own family and deleted me off of her friendslist! And this is someone that I don't even talk to and didn't directly tell her about the job I was thinking of taking. I have never borrowed money or support from these people - there is no reason for her to be in my business. I was in tears all day Monday.

My ex was very controlling and I have attracted controllers throughout my adult years it seems. What is it about me that could attract that? I mean, do controlling people look for people they think they can control and that's what's happening here? I can literally isolate myself and keep to myself, and somehow these people find me anyway too. I don't know anyone else who has these problems, or if they are, they aren't admitting it.
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Old 03-16-2011, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
This past week has been tough. I have been bullied by two people. For years now it has been noted that I "attract strange people." I have been told by a few friends, "People just say the rudest things to you...seriously I've never met anyone that attracts people like that."

My ex was very controlling and I have attracted controllers throughout my adult years it seems. What is it about me that could attract that?
Yeah, it's you. I think human behavior is pretty complex, we pick up on the subtlest things. How you comport yourself, the language you use. So these others may be initially attracted to just how you carry yourself, the less intuitive ones may simply be 'feeling you out' so to say, then when you react in a certain way, they attack.

Reason I'm saying all this is the fact that I have a penchant for attracting a certain type of woman, extend it to all interactions actually.

And it's just my end, obviously can't do anything about theirs.

Make that 'bad habit', turns out I've decided I really don't like the way that 'type' of person treats me.
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Old 03-16-2011, 12:02 PM
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My feeling is that being a bully is all about 'them' but how I respond to that behavior is all about me. jmho It's not my fault if somebody else acts badly.



Most of my life I've been fairly assertive and able to keep good boundaries...however there were sometimes when I was completely blindsided by the same kind of behavior you experienced- of being bullied, belittled or dismissed as not being important etc etc.


There are books about this that can help. One I like in particular is called Speaking the Truth in Love [Paperback] by Kenneth C. Haugk (Author), Ruth Koch (Author) The focus is faith based but I think the information and format would be useful from secular viewpoint as well.

This is a brief review of the book that I found on amazon:
Assertiveness can be defined as "moving toward one's self as you move toward another person." This is to be contrasted with Passiveness (in which a person decides not to reveal his true feelings and ends up experiencing guilt and frustration...thus working against himself) and Aggressiveness (in which a person attacks and thus works against another person). The authors explain why Assertiveness is the best of these three options, hold up Jesus as the ultimate example of Assertiveness, and give practical advice for becoming more Assertive.
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Old 03-16-2011, 12:05 PM
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What kind of woman do you attract SailorJohn?
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Old 03-16-2011, 12:27 PM
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I've been looking closely at the type of people I attract...and realizing it is ME, as long as I allow those type of people to bully and /or try to control me. I just had a meeting with one of my greatest friends, not because we do the stereotypical friend things, but because she is just a great person and I admire her very much. Why? Because she is emotionally healthy and available with firm boundaries and ethics. She walks her talk. She challenges my thinking without trying to control my thoughts. She respects me. She would never ask more than she is prepared to give in return. That's the difference.

As I look at my other relationships, I can see where I have become involved with unhealthy people - in my case it tends to be people who don't respect boundaries and I am working on weeding them out. They don't like this very much (see my people-pleasers post). I've been called rude, inconsiderate, uncaring, and worse. My thought today? Oh well. Bye-bye. My real friends will rise to the top once I clear out the rest of what is now just taking up space. And this includes family members as well. No where can I find a law that says I have to have relationships with members of my family. Those who are toxic will have to go.
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Old 03-16-2011, 12:49 PM
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The questions you're asking are possibly
the most important questions we can ever ask ourselves.

And there's no 'pat' answer for any one person.

It begins a journey of self-investigation that can change everything.

I used to say -
I am a class jerk magnet.
I SHOULD BE PAID by the National Organization of Women
To just walk through huge auditoriums of people
and point out the men I'm attracted to.
They can go ahead and 'mark' them
because I guarantee they're going to be mean men.

It took a long time to get to the 'core' of what that was.

For me
it was nothing more than recognition of the only thing
I'd ever known.



Then there's the going through every level
of our application of that one basic 'belief'
that has made us the magnet for these types.

I think it's fundamental that you mentioned
a family member doing it recently.

Because I can safely say that for 99.9% of us
that's one of the most basic causes. Family.

There's a whole system of 'science' dedicated to finding these things out
and a huge multimillion dollar 'self help' industry
that focuses on the same topic.

The questions you're asking now
are answered by only one word
education.

It's time for you.
And I'm stoked for you that this journey is beginning in earnest!

Educate yourself.

In whatever means speaks to you.

You're not alone!
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Old 03-16-2011, 01:15 PM
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The other day I was so fired up about my commute to work. It's 14 miles but takes an hour and I drive on the interstate.

I thought I had a sign on my car that said, cut me off. Don't use your blinkers. I'm going to flip you off, etc. I really thought that for some reason I had bad drivers karma, even though, I'm a conscientious driver.

Then, I either read something or heard it on PRI that you don't attract bad drivers. You simply have the wrong frame of mind and those bad drivers tend to get noticed more than the good drivers. I mean seriously. There's enough douchebagery on the highways every day but did I ever stop to count all the peaceful cattle in my heard? No.

What's the result? I stopped looking for the bad drivers. Or at least I stopped giving them so much attention. I realized there's a ton of people out there who use their blinkers, don't cut people off, don't text people, etc. My drive has improved.

What's my point? It's not necessarily you. Those bullies are still bullies. You're not in control of that but perhaps you're not paying attention to the non-bullies. It's just a thought. I'm not going to blame myself for another persons rudeness, bulliness and bad driving.
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Old 03-16-2011, 02:09 PM
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What's my point? It's not necessarily you. Those bullies are still bullies. You're not in control of that but perhaps you're not paying attention to the non-bullies. It's just a thought. I'm not going to blame myself for another persons rudeness, bulliness and bad driving.
I've wondered this point too. Do all of you feel that come across people like this occasionally as well? Maybe I just notice it more or take it more to heart.
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Old 03-16-2011, 02:11 PM
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By the way, the particular family member I am talking about has been fired from EVERY job she ever had because of her personality. 10 years ago she and her husband decided that she would just be a stay at home mom rather than continue to try to be in the workforce. So on one hand, I should consider the source. But at the same time, this woman decided to try to aggravate me from 2000 miles away online!
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Old 03-16-2011, 02:28 PM
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Yes, consider the source and also perhaps consider why she was a friend on FB as well.

Not everyone in this world is nice and kind. Heck, I'm not nice and kind all the time, especially to people who are bullies. But along the way, I have learnt to have some control over my own environment and limit my exposure to the jerks. And not take everything so personally. After all, if someone kept on at me about my disgusting green hair when I know mine is brown, who is the nutjob? And I always try to remember, it's not my job to make them see My Truth. As long as I know what that is, then all's well.

As (almost) always, it's a boundary issue, I think.
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Old 03-16-2011, 05:08 PM
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Simple, give people an inch and they will take a mile. Just You'd be surprised how much results you can get by simply reacting to some of this treatment. You don't even have to get in their face, just react to it.

If you wait too long to even react many won't want to deal with you in the long run because all the sudden they can't count on your behavior. I guess you could say somekind of boundry issue here.
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Old 03-17-2011, 08:44 AM
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GG, I was thinking about you today in the elevator. Here's another example like my bad driving story.

These days, people don't let other people walk out of the elevator before they storm in. This is a manners issue. I normally get fired up when they do this. They're busy talking on their cell phone, holding a cup of coffee and whoa as me, I need to move out of there way. Hey. I've already been to the office. I'm already leaving to my first appointment. Just because they're late and pre-occupied doesn't mean they get to bustle their way past me while I'm trying to get off the elevator. I used to feel like this always happened to me. I was expecting it when the elevator hit floor 1. Sure enough it happened. Was I attracting that experience and causing it to happen? I used to think so but now I know I'm not God and I didn't cause it.

How'd I fix it? I don't stand in the back of the elevator. I stand right in front of the door. Right in the middle. I'm 6'2", 260. Little late Lucy ain't busting through me in her morning rush and she won't act rude. Why? I've taken action to let everyone on floor 1 know that I'm coming out before anyone pushes past me. I no longer have the expectation that I will be bullied on the elevator.

Just like we all come to this forum to tell our stories, vent, learn, etc., some of the biggest lessons here deal with control and working on yourself. To me, that means taking actions that I can control. I can apply that concept to bullies, commuters, elevator rudeness, my AW, anything and it works.
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Old 03-17-2011, 09:34 AM
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gg,

I do think there is a radar.
We transmit things out to the world, and people pick it up.
AND when we make the choice to climb into our heads, do some healing, move some furniture around, and go to that tape player and put in a different transmission, people react. Its as if they just know.

All you can do, is be thankful she deleted you. saved you the time.

"I can only control how I react and how I respond to things in my life. How others react and respond to things is their work."

You keep working on you.

When I had started doing a big chunk of healing work on myself, last fall, just before my RAH went into rehab, I hadnt talked much about it to anyone.

Two very specific things happened.

My ex, the healthiest relationship in my life from 12 years ago called me out of the blue. He said he just felt he had not heard from me. We spoke and it was a conversation that bolstered and resonated with my newfound self healing.

On the other spectrum, a dear friend from childhood sent me a scathing attacking email about how I had not upheld my boundaries w/my A, with her. She attacked my parenting. It was an attack that was unsolicited, and it was so out of the blue I couldnt believe it.

I talked with a valued teacher of mine, and came to see it as self support, and self attack. These were two sides of my struggle making themselves manifest in my daily life:

I got a call from one person who really resonated with my new self view, who supported my taking care of me, etc...AND
The next day, I got an email from an old friend attacking me for not upholding boundaries, not being a good friend, not taking care of myself.

I think the more you keep on taking out the old tapes and replacing them with healthier ones, these attacks will diminish, because you are no longer going to be AVAILABLE for it.
They may try to plug into your outlet, but you will have changed the plug in.
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Old 03-17-2011, 10:15 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
What kind of woman do you attract SailorJohn?
Well, in my perfect world, an alcoholic/bi-polar. With "Daddy" issues.

So, what I'm generally attracted to are women with "Daddy"/mental hygiene issues, have looked back and noticed that I haven't been too particular about the mental hygiene issues, but the "Daddy" thing is what always seems to seal the deal.

Thing is, everyone else seems to have mentioned it, it's really all about me.

I'm making the choices, the only thing I can change.
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Old 03-17-2011, 01:42 PM
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"douchebaggery". heh. classic.
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