Buffalo66

I posted a while back about how my MIL, who was very supportive and very on my side throughout years of messy alcoholic behavior on RAHs part bacame distant, and then, eventually lashed out at me for making boundaries with him.

Here how things happened, and I am confused.

Up until Oct. last year:
MIL very supportive, took son each weekend for a night, saw and acknowledged his bad behaviors, etc.

Since Oct. last year (after he returned from rehab):
MIL very distant, no phone calls, stopped taking son, does not want to know anything, only talks to her son (RAH).

Mid Dec. last year:
MIL freaks on me via Facebook, and chat attacking my boundary in asking RAH to leave the house for a few days because he was sleeping until 2-3pm everyday, staying up til 4-5 am every night. I said I needed some time to rest, and to simmer down the resentment. She took some pretty low blows, never apologized, never discussed it, and still did not call, did not take son.

This last two weeks:
MIL finally is told that her son (RAH) moved out, that I have had enough, and she starts offering to take my son, her grandchild again, while he was recovering from surgery to give me a break. Which she did. I was unaware of what she knew or did not know, and I did not call or discuss w her, as per her request.

Past Sunday:
Picked up my son, her grandchild from her at a restaurant, and she just was back to her "old self". Just like that.. Asked me if I saw the new apartment, made clear that she supported my decision, she could see he was out of balance. She also told me her other son was blindly loyal to RAH, which she was upset about. I introduced her to the idea of "dry Drunk".
It was as if nothing ever happened, and she is now very supportive again, and on my side.

NOw, I feel OK about all of this, in a way. I needed the help and seriously, she saved my mind from cracking up during a very hard time w our child. I needed the refresh, and my family is not that helpful.
I can see she was maybe trying to let us get to our own stuff on our own,while he lived w us, and she had an embarrassing outburst back in Dec...but..

I cant help but feeling like there is some kind of weird unhealthy thing to it, as in her being really comfortable when RAH and I are at odds, and when we are "working together" she is uncomfortable, and has to oppose me.

Is this just regular old MIL steroetype stuff? What gives?

barb dwyer

She sounds like a 'tweener'.

SOmeone who can only be comfortable when
they're 'between' two others.

Tweeners are back stabbers.
(they need the others in opposition so they are 'valued'.)

So be careful?

stella27

keep paying attention to the patterns about her allegiances, but definitely accept her help as long as YOU and YOUR CHILD are benefiting from it.

But don't talk to her about the relationship, her son's issues, the impact on your son...in other words, keep it light and be grateful of any help you can get.

This is just my advice based on dealing with my MIL who loves me as long as her son is behaving. When he freaks out or lashes out or complains, it is all my fault, so I have worked hard to take what I can use and leave the rest as it comes to her. I think that the more people who love and support my children, the better off they are.

Now if she involves your spn or you in HER agenda, steer clear.

It's maddening, isn't it?

LexieCat

Remember, she is a mom whose SON is an alcoholic. That's tough, and she qualifies for Al-Anon as much as any of us do.

She probably swings between enabling and making excuses and doing the right thing, just as we all do.

Sounds like, overall, she is handling it pretty well. Trying to be fair to you and to help you.

I'd cut her some slack and not assume any agenda other than a wish to do right by everyone concerned.

Buffalo66

I did send her a very unemotional, business like email with a link to the Dry Drunk Syndrome checklist.

She did not respond, I did not ask her to.

I know she will see the symptoms in RAH. She is pretty clear about this.

I guess some of my work here, is to remain detached about whether or not she is able to "be on my side" or not, ANd to just detach and continue believing myself for myself, no matter what his family knows or believes or can acknowledge.

I will say, though, it sure was nice to have someone from his "camp" say, "Yeah. He is not really doing the right things." And that is without her even hearing my side, or any details that I would offer. She is just getting that from her interactions with him and her other sons.

Thanks for the thoughts.

tallulah

Sounds like she takes the side of the one who has her attention, her 'ear' at any given time. Also sounds like she has a hard time finding her own detachment.

She's oscillating wildly. Take that for what it is.. take the help/support when given without agenda.. detach when she quacks.