SecretLife

without noticing until it's apparently full-blown. I'm not sleeping nights, up every hour, sometimes less.

Cross-ABF is thankful he doesn't yearn for a drnik, but still had relapse, now seriously struggling, with crack again. I just feel different. Of course, I don't understand his struggle, so that isn't helping either one of us! His Secret Life is killing him, and everyone who loves him has an array of feelings, that cycle rapidly. From concern, to angry, disappointed, lack of trust... on and on.

But yesterday, he finally got ahold of me. My caller ID gave me the number... and the ammunition was right there, immediately. Says he's trying to clear his head, 500 miles away in a hotel... with no notice, not even a goodbye... and that hurt turned to anger that made my hear race, and my head spin! I woke up twice between 3 and 4 a.m., yelling out loud, in my sleep... AT HIM.

This just makes no sense. Can anyone help me? He is so disappointed with himself, he left town to meet up with an old friend... get away from his madness of a life he keeps getting himself into here. I just don't see how a week or two out of town will fix anything....

EJG123

It's okay to be mad and yelling in your sleep is a healthier way of venting than acting out in some other way. Sorry you are going through this. Hugs.

outtolunch

No telling what this 40 year old big ole baby is up to this time. Maybe it's just another binge.

Back when, you wrote:

"I think my HP wants me to make different choices. "

I think you were right.

mooselips

Secret,
You have too many "he's" in that post.
You need more "I's"

Put yourself first.


Hugs......

Kindeyes

There is nothing about addiction that makes sense and it will make anyone crazy trying to figure it out. Addicts do what they do and unfortunately, there is nothing we can do or say that will change that. They will stop when they finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired and not a moment sooner. All the sleepless nights in the world won't make it happen faster.

Can anyone help you? Absolutely. You can help you and we are here to gently encourage and support you.

gentle hugs

CrackQuack

Beautifully put Kindeyesand mooselips. And how do we know whether he's telling the truth or not? See, the worries can go on and on. It may be difficult not to worry, but we gotta buck up and not worry. When I was smoking crack, man... I sure didn't care where anyone I supposedly loved was and I didn't care that they didn't know where I was. I was all about ME. So why not turn around and make this all about YOU? What are you going to do? Are you going to make some changes? Set boundries or just leave? Sure, he's another human being and he's being really worthless right now, but it's nothing anyone deserves to die over, yet if that is his bottom, that is HIS BOTTOM. It's something we have to accept. Hopefully death will not be his bottom, but all you really should be concentrating on is what you can do for yourself sweety.
This is coming from another CRACKHEAD- get away from him. We're just NOT worth two pennies on that junk. If we really want to quit, trust me, we'll freaking cut it out and get help and get better. I was lucky. I relapsed one time while dating my boyfriend (current) and he forgave me. Kept asking that stupid "why" question over and over. You know, the one we cannot answer because we don't really know why either, but we've got excuses and on some level we do know, but we cannot articulate it well.. Not all of us. Some of us know exactly why right away. I know a couple times I was bored or I was still hanging with old friends (DUH). The last time I cannot tell anyone why because I didn't know why. I just allowed the situation to happen. I had about 30 days clean and thought getting some crack was an excellent way to celebrate. The stupid junk that goes through our minds.
Many times I've thought about using. This past January was one of them. Almost to my 2 year mark and I'm allowing my job, school, and car accident upset me enough to think about using. So what did I do? I TOLD ON MYSELF. I went to my friends and family and told them what I was thinking. Sure I got a lot of strange looks, a few scared people, and "really? Why" That's so stupid" replies, but don't you know every one of them started helping. My classmates told my program director (which got me in a hot spot since I AM on pain killers and I do get "funny head" on them), my boyfriend bought me flowers (awwwww), and my best friend dragged me everywhere with him when I had free time (dang it, I wanted a nap!) and he called me constantly.
A good, solid network is what addicts need when they are in recovery, but the MOST IMPORTANT part of recovery is honestly wanting it. WE have got to WANT it more than anything and definitely more than the drugs...

mooselips

CrackQuack,
Thank you so much for sharing.
It somehow puts in perspective how/why my oldest son is so verbally, emotionally abusive.

Thank you CQ...hugs.....

Glad you're here.

coffeedrinker

the anger seems to sneak up on us, because we have been tolerating what should be intolerable for so, so long.

you have tried to be the loving and supportive person in his life and he has been violating your trust, treating you unkindly and heaven knows what else.

of course you're angry.



anger is a secondary emotion. hurt or fear is always underneath. remember that and take care of yourself.