lillamy

I've had one of those days that would make Mother Theresa want to kick cats. I couldn't sleep because I was so worked up and tense and my eyes just kept overflowing every time I tried to lie down.

And then I sat down and realized that rather than rehash how stressful my day was, I could look at what I had accomplished:

I drew two solid lines in the sand in two very different situations where, a year ago, I would not have had the ovaries to do so.

In one case, I said no to a significant amount of money because the behavior of a client raised red flags for me, enough to make me decline the offer of a contract. Even though I could have used the extra money, for sure.

In the other case, I told a friend she needs to take her problems and issues to a professional, not to me.

So maybe that's not reason for anyone else to break out the cake, but for me, that's HUGE. And two on the same day?

So -- what little steps do you have to celebrate today that are big for YOU?

SecretLife

I haven't called! YAY! I been awake off and on all night, have a cell phone number for ABF who just skipped town "to think" because of recent relapse, and obsessively called and texted him (mostly in anger) as soon as I had a number to reach him yesterday.

I decided to come here and read. It's only 4:16 a.m., so although my sleep has been disrupted for a while, I also have an appt. to go talk to a therapist about all I have going on in my life later today.

And I'm NOT further worsening my situation by calling him.... I know it'll just add fuel to my fire. As for a more reasonable hour, I can't say if I'll call or not. "6 years with him is hard to walk away from, but do I seriously want to keep going thru this?"... is the question I'm faced with now.

Thanks for starting this thread!
Kim

stella27

Wow, Lilla!

Please add "inspired Stella that she can just say no to draining and crazy-inducing people" to your list of accomplishments.

I have been in the BIGGEST spat with a friend because an abusive boyfriend broke up with her, she cried and detailed terrible instances of abuse to me for TWO months. When his new honey broke up with him, he was back with my friend. Who's the bad guy? ME, ME, ME! Because I won't let him apologize to me. What??? He's not welcome on my property. I don't want any part of him.

From now on, I will be a supportive, listening friend, but when people insist on putting me in their problems, I am going to just say "no thank you."

Tuffgirl

I was completely honest with my RAH yesterday when I told him I would never move back into his house. That we either moved forward in marriage and buy a house together, or we live separately if he is not ready for that. That I am not comfortable in his house; it does not meet my needs; I tried it for three years and it didn't work for me then, why would I believe it will work for me now? No - its not just about my 'attitude', its logistics (the house is way too small and its HIS) and I can buy my own house myself.

Asked for an extended separation - and am prepared to make that happen. If he can't give up his single life to enter into a married life with me, that's ok. But I do need to meet my own needs now. It's time.

It was another small step in the right direction of putting myself first.

Sylvie66

I waited until yesterday to talk to my ABF about our plans. It took me awhile to really formulate how to express myself. I was very clear that I won't live with him anymore as an active alcoholic. I don't know exactly what that means yet, in terms of my responses, which is hard for me (I'm a trained scientist, I like to have everything laid out).
He listened, he contributed ideas, it was a partnership meeting. Do I expect it to last? No. But in the meantime, I've stated my intentions, and I'm working on both staying with him in a loving relationship AND getting my finances in place to leave when he won't stop drinking. He's on day 10, and made it up to 91 days previously. So, we'll see.
But the big celebration is that I am excited and happy with either option! No drama yesterday, and it didn't feel like an ultimatum to him. He said that he just had to avoid taking that first sip, and then later said he doesn't want to resent me for having a glass of wine with dinner. And I get it - I understand that both of those statements can be true for him. Which is huge, too. My understanding that, I mean.

Thanks!

Sylvie

Buffalo66

Today, I think I am at the very least REMEMBERING THE TRUTH, instead of succumbing to his projected reality of what has gone wrong between us.

I am still questioning why he lies about it, obssessing over when and if he will ever REALIZE the truth... BUt at least I am not succumbing.

I KNOW WHAT HAPPENED!

keepinon

I found out something about my RAD..a situation that would have really stressed me outhad I known about it..she handled it herself, and I am never going to bring it up..that's HUGE for me ..2 years a go I woulda had her on the phone quizzing and shaming her..now I can mind my own business (sometimes! but that's alot better than the previous NEVER!)

jamaicamecrazy

2 celebrations for me:

I promised myself a few years ago that if no one else was going to buy me a diamond, I would buy one for myself for my 50th birthday. It has been a source of resentment between my husband and me for years. We could not afford it when we first got married, when we could afford it I always made excuses for what else we could use the money for. Then when we could really afford it, he would not go with me to pick one out. So my birthday is next week and guess what I just bought! Its a promise I kept to myself and though I always doubt myself about purchases, this one feels good!

My husband called last Sunday asking for "a favor". My mind always goes to the worst case scenario. I thought it was my moment of truth to have to say no and let him suffer the consequence of his own actions. All he wanted was a couple of phone numbers- a good sign since these are friends he respects and has cut out of his life in the last year. After I gave him the numbers he asked me about our son and how he was trying to get a hold of him but he was not returning any phone calls. I asked if he wanted me to ask him to call and he said no- he'd call when he was ready-ok, good attitude...and I realized that I need to STOP trying to intervene and help. Its almost a reflex with me. Then he started saying a few things that sounded like he wanted to pick a fight. I asked if he needed any more numbers. When he said no I just said" Well have a nice day." And hung up. That is HUGE for me. Did not engage him when he was angry. Did not take the bait. Showed him I can walk away calmly. And I did. Did not cry or second guess myself at all. Did not obsess about the conversation for hours. I realize that I am so much more confident about what I need to do and then DO IT!
Baby steps I know but steps in the right direction.

FindingPeace1

My AH is dramatic and I am not going there (detaching with love).

I kicked butt at work and was UBER productive. I'll be off for 9 days and I got next week's work done, so my boss doens't have to do it while I'm gone! WOOHOO!

boomerlady

I'm celebrating that I was able to set a boundary and keep it even when my AH kept trying over and over to manipulate and dramatize the situation. He's also very dramatic and we recently had to have a lot of home remodeling done due to a broken pipe. Rather than worry about the remodeling, he focused on one of his personal possessions which was ruined. However, he wanted me to take care of the HIS claim with the insurance company. He's been trying for a couple of weeks to get me to do his dirty work for him but I stood firm. He even threatened that if he had to call the insurance comany they would be sorry and that I should warn them!! Quack, quack, quack....LOL......I stood firm despite his constant attempts to manipulate. I'm sick of being manipulated and celebrating my recognition of it and firm boundary setting.

Mambo Queen

I'm celebrating that in the last two weeks I refused to bail my XAH out of jail, or take his calls. I ignored his hints to drive him to his court date and pay for a place for him to stay after said court date. I ignored his hints to pick him up from the hospital and pay for a place for him to stay until he enters rehab again. I think he figured out a solution himself. All of these situations would have been unbearable triggers for me even a few months ago. I'm proud of myself for not giving in this time.

Carol Star

I am celebrating that I didn't " lose it " seeing my XAH. It was just a flook I saw him. He lives 45 minutes away. I didn't go to the emotional/ sad/ want him back mode. I went to the I am fine / I have come a long way- very grateful to be done with the insanity mode. It didn't hurt to see Charlie Sheen on tv when I got home. My XAH was very grandiose, down on AA , and in denial that substance abuse was his reason his life was unmanagable .

blwninthewind

Little celebrations:

I was able to offer, with grace, to trade work shifts with someone who needed to do something really important. he didn't ask, or hint about it...we were discussing his options and I realized that I could switch, it wouldn't hurt or help my weekend and it really didn't feel like a sacrifice (Lord, knows I'm tired of that feeling)...so I offered. It felt good.

I had been having a rough day yesterday and when my RAH was going on and on about how much pain he was in ...I was able to separate myself from his issues. I can still empathize w/ him but also am able to see that if he took his over the counter anti inflammatories every 8 hrs like he should...he would not BE in pain. His own noncompliance is creating that pain. How hard is it to take 2 pills? He'd rather moan and whine about it for 4 hours than just fix it. Manipulation much?
Trying to suck me in? I hate to be paranoid but if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck..it IS a duck.
I just ignored it....beginning to relish the silence of not HAVING to respond or react.

StarCat

Someone from work "asked me out" two weeks ago... We finally went out to lunch on Thursday.
It felt great to be sitting across from someone who was open and honest about some things in the past - to the point where I felt comfortable explaining that I recently got out of a relationship with an abusive alcoholic.
It also felt great when he said that he wasn't going to push me for a second "date," but that if I was interested just let him know, because he was interested. (I'm not damaged goods, yay!)

Most importantly, though, it felt great that in our conversation I picked up on a few warning signs that I was not okay with. He has some issues in his past that he needs to work through, and he is not good "relationship material" for me. And I noticed that now, and I am okay with letting this be a single lunch, rather than discovering much later down the road that I was right in the first place.
I am learning.