Change4life

MY GFs 31 year old son was in a fatal car accident early this morning. she has been up since "the call" and has proceeded to get drunk. I dont know what to do

Dee74

I'm really sorry for you and your gf B.

The best thing you can do, I think, is just be there, look after her, be supportive and don't be tempted to join her in drinking yourself....stay strong.

Prayers for both you guys - keep checking in here for support too, B

D

Anna

Beth, I'm so sorry that you and your girlfriend are going through this. What an awful situation!

Stay sober and give her the support she needs.

And, please post here when you need some support.

pattenat

Change4Life I second Dee's motion. There really is nothing one can do or say to make something like this "better". Just make sure you're supportive, if she needs space, give her space, if she needs a hug, give her a hug, if she needs to cry be there with tissue, and if she needs to talk be there to listen.

Will keep both of you in my prayers.

Change4life

she finally fell asleep, I wish I could do the same. I have to finish doing some laundry and packing she just cant do it. I hat that she will fly alone tomorrow

ChikkaB

Yup, this is one of those sucky life times you just have to soldier through. Stay sober for yourself, stay strong for her, she will need you. Keep your phone charged up and in your pocket at all times. Make sure she checks in with you every so often. If she doesn't call you, you call her. Make sure she's eating, she will forget to eat. Let her feel whatever she needs to feel without taking responsibility to make it better.

Keep coming back here for support

ste

Its more terrble when its your child. We always assume we are going to go first.
Be there for her B.
Prayers from here.

Change4life

I am so worried. Pat was so numb and shocked yesterday that she didnt really lose it till last night. she was frazzled this morning and it broke my heart to watch her pull away in the cab to airport alone knowing how much pain she is in. So now she is of on a plane alone on her way to oldest sons funeral, her entire family is alcoholic and I fear she will be getting drunk with them. I also fear something bad will happen because my friend jonn inboxed me to let me know he is loaning one of his cars to Pat. Just great....an upset, grief stricken drunk behind the wheel. I just dont want anything bad to happen to her. she is one of those drunks that start off real happy and then gets just as angry after a few too many. know my babysitting enables her, but I could never let anything happen to her. I dont know what will happen with me not there and all the bad influence of family and friends, especially considering her present emotionally fragile state.
meanwhile she will be surrounded by family and friends while I sit here alone in my own grief. Her son and I were good friends, my musician buddy, my girl watching buddy, we use to go snorkeling together early in the morning and swim with the sea turtles. We had a relationship separate from Pat because she is not a musician, and was always too afraid to swim out as far as us. There are a lot of things we shared that he couldnt share with his mom. I am a girl but I fit in better with the boys club and he was my bestest buddy. he consider me his second mom (the cool one)... so I didnt just lose a friend I lost my only son. this so s****

Inafishbowl

Beth, there are no words for this. My first husband died at 36 in an aweful car accident. I only share this because I have a slight feeling of what is happening over there. I'm so sorry and I will pray for your whole family. Can I ask why you can't be there? None of my business, I know. Big hugs.

joedris

Beth, As hard as this is for you, there is nothing you can do for your best friend. You're going through your own stages of grief now and that's, in itself, a lot to deal with. You can't control what she will or won't do as far as drinking, you can only take care of yourself. This is one of those situations when I find the Serenity Prayer invaluable.

Deal with your own grief, pray for acceptance of the situation and that God help you through the pain you're suffering. Pray for acceptance that you cannot control what Pat may or may not do when she's with her family. Pray that God relieves her of her grief and pain, and that He relievers her of the obsession to drink. Pray for her son and his other family members. Pray for the strength to befriend Pat when she returns without enabling her.

I've been through similar situations from both Pat's and your perspectives. I wish knew then what I know now. I wish I knew how to pray back then.

So all I can do is pass on my experience and offer my condolences. Be there for Pat when she returns. She'll need a good friend to turn to.

CarolD

I'm sorry both of you are living with this tragic loss.
Prayers ..

Change4life

we simply arent in a financial situation to fly us both up. We also work together so we decided I would stay here so that not everything falls apart. Also truth be told I was afraid I would kick her ex-husbands arse. He has been a real jerk through all this. Well hes always a jerk, but you would think he could unjerk himself due to the circumstances, but as usual its all about him. all of her ex inlaws will be there, they dont exactly appreciate our relationship and I didnt want the funeral to be about anything but Paulie. Paulie would be upset that I am not there, but there were more reasons not to go than to go. Pat really needs me right now, but their are to many people busy judging her and spewing their hateful opinions to understand that she has to go through this alone because she doesnt want any confrontation with them. What do they think if I am not there she will miraculously fall back in love with her piece of poop husband. She hates him and his cheatin self. They think she should have stayed with him and ignored his affairs...yea ok..who thinks like that? so anyway thats why I didnt go

ChikkaB

She might surprise you, be stronger than you think she can be.

Remind her how strong she is, how brave and competent she is. Remind her that she already knows the in-laws are jackholes and that she doesn't have to drink over it any more than before. Remind her this time is for her to put Paulie to rest, not for dukeing it out with the trailertrash, and she's not obligated to spend time with them or respond to them. Remind her that it's okay to set and hold boundaries, to tell people "I don't want to hear it right now".

I'm sorry for your loss. People always forget that partners can have as deep an emotional tie as blood relatives. It's so much easier to pretend it's not real, but it is.

One foot in front of the other.

Change4life

I guess I am handling this better than I though cause all of what you said chikka was what I told her last night. I dont think she was in any shape to hear me though so I will remind her again!

Aysha

Wow B. I'm so sorry to hear that.
I cant add much else.
I am sending you all healing thoughts.
Stay strong. Something like this may shake some peoples sanity. But getting through it will also be such a growing lesson. Make bonds stronger.
Big Hugs.

BenRadBel

I am so sorry. I lost my sister in a car accident. Actually it was a drunk driver that ran into her and killed her. I'm am so sorry. Prayers for you guys

Anna

I agree with Chikka, Beth.

You are finding that you are stronger than you thought and Pat will likely find the same thing. It's horrible that you are both going through this, but stay strong and let Pat know that she can get through this and come back to you.

gypsytears

Sorry for your loss B

Change4life

The driver of the car ghe was in was either drunk, high or both. Now hwe is facing many charges, one being death by auto. So many lives ruined it is so upsetting. thank you all for your kind words.
I know it is wrong, but after 4 years of being drug free I took a zanax last night just so I could sleep, but now I want more, however I will try and get that thought out of my head, put my happy face on and go to work

Dee74

Yeah don't go down that road B - this whole thing is tragic enough already, y'know?

D