Girlfriend of a recovering alcoholic
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Girlfriend of a recovering alcoholic
Hi. My name is "Pick Me" and I am the girlfriend of a recovering alcoholic.
Things are tough right now but I have joined Al-Anon and am finding help there.
I think mostly I am going to lurk for a while here. I don't know who to trust anymore.
Things are tough right now but I have joined Al-Anon and am finding help there.
I think mostly I am going to lurk for a while here. I don't know who to trust anymore.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
Welcome to SR, PickMe. Glad you find us. You'll find a lot of support here. By all means, lurk, do a lot of reading, and when you feel comfortable, tell us a little about what's going on.
You say your boyfriend is "recovering," which is good, but something isn't good or you wouldn't be here. I hope you find some answers here. We're here to support you.
You say your boyfriend is "recovering," which is good, but something isn't good or you wouldn't be here. I hope you find some answers here. We're here to support you.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Hi Pick Me
You'll find a lot of support here...and a lot of people worthy of your trust too
You should also check out our Family and Friends forums
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR!
D
You'll find a lot of support here...and a lot of people worthy of your trust too
You should also check out our Family and Friends forums
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Welcome to SR!
D
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by suki44883 
Welcome to SR, PickMe. Glad you find us. You'll find a lot of support here. By all means, lurk, do a lot of reading, and when you feel comfortable, tell us a little about what's going on.
You say your boyfriend is "recovering," which is good, but something isn't good or you wouldn't be here. I hope you find some answers here. We're here to support you.
You say your boyfriend is "recovering," which is good, but something isn't good or you wouldn't be here. I hope you find some answers here. We're here to support you.
Not sure what I should do as I am deeply in love with this man.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
I'm not sure why anyone would advise anyone to end a relationship, pickme, unless there's some obvious danger to your boyfriends recovery.
If you're not a problem drinker or drug user yourself, I'm at a loss as to why he'd get this advice.
D
If you're not a problem drinker or drug user yourself, I'm at a loss as to why he'd get this advice.
D
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Dee74
I'm not sure why anyone would advise anyone to end a relationship, pickme, unless there's some obvious danger to your boyfriends recovery.
If you're not a problem drinker or drug user yourself, I'm at a loss as to why he'd get this advice.
D
If you're not a problem drinker or drug user yourself, I'm at a loss as to why he'd get this advice.
D
I am not a drug user or a problem drinker. I don't partake of either of those.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,444
Oh ok. Sorry - I missed the bit about you getting together after he started his step work.
I've never had a sponsor - I'm not in AA - so it's probably better if I let others talk....but I believe the idea (which did not come from AA originally) is no new relationships for the first year.
I can see the validity of the idea - I changed a lot in my first year and I also really needed to focus on myself before I could give myself to someone else.
That being said, I also met my current partner well before my first year was up and we're still a couple - nearly 4 years now.
I think ultimately it's a question best decided by you and your boyfriend.
D
I've never had a sponsor - I'm not in AA - so it's probably better if I let others talk....but I believe the idea (which did not come from AA originally) is no new relationships for the first year.
I can see the validity of the idea - I changed a lot in my first year and I also really needed to focus on myself before I could give myself to someone else.
That being said, I also met my current partner well before my first year was up and we're still a couple - nearly 4 years now.
I think ultimately it's a question best decided by you and your boyfriend.
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 228
A very warm welcome, PickMe! Glad to have you here!
I was just browsing around this evening when I read your post where you said "his sponsor told him he is not supposed to have a commitment for the first year?" Huh??? Please forgive me for saying this, but this sounds like utter nonsense to me. If anything, a recovering alcoholic could use all of the support he can possibly get, and if you're in a relationship where he loves you as much as you love him, the heartbreak of a breakup alone could be detrimental to his health and well-being, and this isn't to mention how it might affect one's recovery. May I suggest he finds another sponsor? Just my 2 pennies.
EDIT: After reading Dee's post I may have been a little over the top a bit, for I can certainly understand why someone in recovery may need to feel secure within themselves before they may be ready for a relationship. On the other hand, what's done is done, and from what I can tell, your relationship appears to be well under way. So, I say "go for it!" Life is too short to let go of what may possibly be a "once in a lifetime" relationship.
I was just browsing around this evening when I read your post where you said "his sponsor told him he is not supposed to have a commitment for the first year?" Huh??? Please forgive me for saying this, but this sounds like utter nonsense to me. If anything, a recovering alcoholic could use all of the support he can possibly get, and if you're in a relationship where he loves you as much as you love him, the heartbreak of a breakup alone could be detrimental to his health and well-being, and this isn't to mention how it might affect one's recovery. May I suggest he finds another sponsor? Just my 2 pennies.
EDIT: After reading Dee's post I may have been a little over the top a bit, for I can certainly understand why someone in recovery may need to feel secure within themselves before they may be ready for a relationship. On the other hand, what's done is done, and from what I can tell, your relationship appears to be well under way. So, I say "go for it!" Life is too short to let go of what may possibly be a "once in a lifetime" relationship.
unlearning
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: russia
Posts: 343
I understand the idea of not having a relationship for one year, but things are not black and white. Everyones recovery is different. Its good that he told you, and I think its good you are both being cautious.
Don't do anything hasty you might regret, is my only advice.
Don't do anything hasty you might regret, is my only advice.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Welcome!!!
I would suspect the sponsors misgiving are due to the AA 'lore', while there is nothing specific on the subject in the Big Book, there is that experience, manifested in sayings like.
"Under every skirt is a slip"
"New relationships can be dangerous in early recovery. The tendency for single people to enter into a new, romantic relationship in early recovery and then relapse is so much more common then anyone would first guess. You have to see it to believe it. I lived in long term treatment and watched literally dozens of people relapse in early recovery, almost always due to a failed relationship. This is a very strong tendency and the reason is because a new relationship completely replaces the need for recovery.
In other words, if you can latch on to a new romance in early recovery, then the need to work on yourself and push for personal growth completely vanishes. Someone loves you exactly as you are, and it feels wonderful! So why should you push yourself to grow and change, when you could just kick back and enjoy this awesome new feeling called love?
This happens over and over again in early recovery and it never ends well.
If it is too early then it is too early. Some say wait a year….I say, wait until you are happy and content with your life while being single. Only then can you safely contribute to a meaningful relationship."
Patrick Meninga
There is quite a bit of reading to digest here, and there's a specific forum for "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" you may find it useful to introduce yourself there.
I would suspect the sponsors misgiving are due to the AA 'lore', while there is nothing specific on the subject in the Big Book, there is that experience, manifested in sayings like.
"Under every skirt is a slip"
"New relationships can be dangerous in early recovery. The tendency for single people to enter into a new, romantic relationship in early recovery and then relapse is so much more common then anyone would first guess. You have to see it to believe it. I lived in long term treatment and watched literally dozens of people relapse in early recovery, almost always due to a failed relationship. This is a very strong tendency and the reason is because a new relationship completely replaces the need for recovery.
In other words, if you can latch on to a new romance in early recovery, then the need to work on yourself and push for personal growth completely vanishes. Someone loves you exactly as you are, and it feels wonderful! So why should you push yourself to grow and change, when you could just kick back and enjoy this awesome new feeling called love?
This happens over and over again in early recovery and it never ends well.
If it is too early then it is too early. Some say wait a year….I say, wait until you are happy and content with your life while being single. Only then can you safely contribute to a meaningful relationship."
Patrick Meninga
There is quite a bit of reading to digest here, and there's a specific forum for "Friends and Family of Alcoholics" you may find it useful to introduce yourself there.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Just a suggestion, you might want to back off a bit and cool the intensity of the relationship for awhile. The danger of intense relationships in early recovery is very real.
Would it be possible for you to kind of see each other on a friendly basis for awhile? Even though relationships are not advised, neither are heartbreaking breakups. If you are willing to do something like that, it might be helpful to both of you. Meantime, you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. They are for family and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is in recovery or not. Early sobriety can be almost as much of a rollercoaster as active drinking is.
Would it be possible for you to kind of see each other on a friendly basis for awhile? Even though relationships are not advised, neither are heartbreaking breakups. If you are willing to do something like that, it might be helpful to both of you. Meantime, you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. They are for family and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is in recovery or not. Early sobriety can be almost as much of a rollercoaster as active drinking is.
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by LexieCat
Just a suggestion, you might want to back off a bit and cool the intensity of the relationship for awhile. The danger of intense relationships in early recovery is very real.
Would it be possible for you to kind of see each other on a friendly basis for awhile? Even though relationships are not advised, neither are heartbreaking breakups. If you are willing to do something like that, it might be helpful to both of you. Meantime, you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. They are for family and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is in recovery or not. Early sobriety can be almost as much of a rollercoaster as active drinking is.
Would it be possible for you to kind of see each other on a friendly basis for awhile? Even though relationships are not advised, neither are heartbreaking breakups. If you are willing to do something like that, it might be helpful to both of you. Meantime, you might want to check out some Al-Anon meetings. They are for family and friends of alcoholics, whether the alcoholic is in recovery or not. Early sobriety can be almost as much of a rollercoaster as active drinking is.
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
I really appreciate that support. One thing I do know is that I cannot just walk away from him. He is still working on himself. He is still working the steps. He is still going to meetings and meeting with his sponsor.
I guess it sucks to be told that I am probably harming him so maybe I need to go back to figuring it out on my own.
I guess it sucks to be told that I am probably harming him so maybe I need to go back to figuring it out on my own.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 228
In my last post I was perhaps a little unforgiving toward your boyfriend's sponsor, and upon reading many of the posts here, there are some very valid and legitimate points that have been made. Also, since I've been married to a wonderful lady for 36 years, I have zero experience in recovery and new relationships that may develop. I will say, though, that at this very moment if I didn't have a loving companion who was willing to give me all of the support I could possibly need, I think I can safely say that I'd be having a much more difficult time going through my withdrawal and recovery period. She gives me something to live for, and I just can't imagine being without her right now. If anything, she's given me the hope and the strength in helping me to gain the confidence I need in order to succeed through this whole ordeal.
That said, it really doesn't appear as though you can simply walk away, but as others have said, proceed with caution. Still, if you really and truly are deeply in love with this man as you say, and if he feels the same of you, a breakup could potentially be devastating for both of you. However, if you are fully willing to give him every bit of support you possibly can - this may be very difficult at times - I sincerely believe he'd be eternally grateful to you. Perhaps the most important thing is that he has to WANT to get over his addiction. If he tends to relapse repeatedly, certainly the red flags will appear.
That said, it really doesn't appear as though you can simply walk away, but as others have said, proceed with caution. Still, if you really and truly are deeply in love with this man as you say, and if he feels the same of you, a breakup could potentially be devastating for both of you. However, if you are fully willing to give him every bit of support you possibly can - this may be very difficult at times - I sincerely believe he'd be eternally grateful to you. Perhaps the most important thing is that he has to WANT to get over his addiction. If he tends to relapse repeatedly, certainly the red flags will appear.
Emotional Shutdown
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by JTele
In my last post I was perhaps a little unforgiving toward your boyfriend's sponsor, and upon reading many of the posts here, there are some very valid and legitimate points that have been made. Also, since I've been married to a wonderful lady for 36 years, I have zero experience in recovery and new relationships that may develop. I will say, though, that at this very moment if I didn't have a loving companion who was willing to give me all of the support I could possibly need, I think I can safely say that I'd be having a much more difficult time going through my withdrawal and recovery period. She gives me something to live for, and I just can't imagine being without her right now. If anything, she's given me the hope and the strength in helping me to gain the confidence I need in order to succeed through this whole ordeal.
That said, it really doesn't appear as though you can simply walk away, but as others have said, proceed with caution. Still, if you really and truly are deeply in love with this man as you say, and if he feels the same of you, a breakup could potentially be devastating for both of you. However, if you are fully willing to give him every bit of support you possibly can - this may be very difficult at times - I sincerely believe he'd be eternally grateful to you. Perhaps the most important thing is that he has to WANT to get over his addiction. If he tends to relapse repeatedly, certainly the red flags will appear.
That said, it really doesn't appear as though you can simply walk away, but as others have said, proceed with caution. Still, if you really and truly are deeply in love with this man as you say, and if he feels the same of you, a breakup could potentially be devastating for both of you. However, if you are fully willing to give him every bit of support you possibly can - this may be very difficult at times - I sincerely believe he'd be eternally grateful to you. Perhaps the most important thing is that he has to WANT to get over his addiction. If he tends to relapse repeatedly, certainly the red flags will appear.
I am doing my best to be supportive while maintaining my self care. I am proceeding with caution and we set some boundaries regarding long term commitment (yes, the m-word) and I did tell him I didn't want to hear that word until he was sober for at least a year (he has brought that up a couple of times and I am honestly not ready for it even though I am pretty sure that is what I want in the long run.)
I just got home from a meeting and now I am headed out of town for a business related trip...in the snow...yuck. I'll be on here and there over the weekend and thanks everyone for support and please don't be put off by my occasional temper tantrums. I am a little lost right now.
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