Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde...how quickly they (and we) change!
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 22
Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde...how quickly they (and we) change!
I am actually forcing myself to write about this, as I can clearly see how I am getting pulled right back into a pattern with my STBXAGF.
After our huge fight on Saturday morning, and my leaving the house and not returning until Sunday night, we didn't say one word to each other, or even see each other once all night on Sunday. Stayed on our individual sides of the house.
This morning she woke early (she is NEVER up when I am up getting ready for work and taking my daughter to school...she sleeps until 11am usually), and came into the kitchen. She said Happy Valentine's Day to my daughter, but we avoided looking or speaking at each other.
As I was on my way out, I asked her one question about the dog. She snapped at me, starting with "Are you talking to me???" She was sending all kinds of angry energy my way. I didn't react. Just said goodbye and left.
Then I get home today with my daughter, and there are flowers and cards and a gift bag. And she comes out of her bedroom and is talking and laughing with my daughter and me.
And I feel so relieved.
And then I feel so scared.
Because I recognize this.
I want to feel better in that moment, by feeling the anger and distance and pain between us dissipate.
And then I am shocked because I start to see that there is even a small amount of hope, where yesterday there was only a desperate pressing desire to escape.
And then I feel really scared, because I need to feel desperate and angry, or I'll never get out of here!
This is my crazy pattern.
I even watched myself put together a letter for her, hoping to explain myself in some way that she can finally "get"; why I need to leave, what I take responsibility for, why I think we will only continue to hurt each other if we do not separate.
I felt like two people as I watched myself give her this letter and express thirty minutes worth of honest, open, vulnerable truths and emotion to her. A part of me was feeling so good to be connected and intimate and defenseless with her, and another part of me was screaming, "have you LOST your mind? You have been down this road before. There is NOTHING more to say. RUN." But she lovingly listened. And that felt so good. Why does it always feel like she is really listening? And is that why it hurts so much when nothing changes? When one month later it is the same dance?
I am so scared that I am going to cave, again. I had so much determination and motivation and forward moving energy this weekend, derived from the awful adrenaline rush of the fight we had, from the still-fresh memory of her crazy screaming and sick reactions and hurtful words and insane blame shifting and physical intimidation and expert manipulations.
And with one soft look, gentle laugh, loving gesture, and display of warmth, good humor and affection, all of that can dissipate and diffuse.
What in the world is wrong with me?
Will I fail again?
Please, no.
Thanks for listening...
B.
After our huge fight on Saturday morning, and my leaving the house and not returning until Sunday night, we didn't say one word to each other, or even see each other once all night on Sunday. Stayed on our individual sides of the house.
This morning she woke early (she is NEVER up when I am up getting ready for work and taking my daughter to school...she sleeps until 11am usually), and came into the kitchen. She said Happy Valentine's Day to my daughter, but we avoided looking or speaking at each other.
As I was on my way out, I asked her one question about the dog. She snapped at me, starting with "Are you talking to me???" She was sending all kinds of angry energy my way. I didn't react. Just said goodbye and left.
Then I get home today with my daughter, and there are flowers and cards and a gift bag. And she comes out of her bedroom and is talking and laughing with my daughter and me.
And I feel so relieved.
And then I feel so scared.
Because I recognize this.
I want to feel better in that moment, by feeling the anger and distance and pain between us dissipate.
And then I am shocked because I start to see that there is even a small amount of hope, where yesterday there was only a desperate pressing desire to escape.
And then I feel really scared, because I need to feel desperate and angry, or I'll never get out of here!
This is my crazy pattern.
I even watched myself put together a letter for her, hoping to explain myself in some way that she can finally "get"; why I need to leave, what I take responsibility for, why I think we will only continue to hurt each other if we do not separate.
I felt like two people as I watched myself give her this letter and express thirty minutes worth of honest, open, vulnerable truths and emotion to her. A part of me was feeling so good to be connected and intimate and defenseless with her, and another part of me was screaming, "have you LOST your mind? You have been down this road before. There is NOTHING more to say. RUN." But she lovingly listened. And that felt so good. Why does it always feel like she is really listening? And is that why it hurts so much when nothing changes? When one month later it is the same dance?
I am so scared that I am going to cave, again. I had so much determination and motivation and forward moving energy this weekend, derived from the awful adrenaline rush of the fight we had, from the still-fresh memory of her crazy screaming and sick reactions and hurtful words and insane blame shifting and physical intimidation and expert manipulations.
And with one soft look, gentle laugh, loving gesture, and display of warmth, good humor and affection, all of that can dissipate and diffuse.
What in the world is wrong with me?
Will I fail again?
Please, no.
Thanks for listening...
B.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Good morning, phoenix - I can sure relate to your post because I got sucked in again and again and again...about 100 times...in a very toxic relationship I had about 10 years ago. I stayed and kept trying because I thought he could CHANGE, even though there was no real evidence that was going to happen other than his sweet words and empty promises. They were only manipulations to get his needs met.
Your GF sounds like she has an intense fear of abandonment and no real driving desire to face her demons. So unless she makes some REAL changes -- like getting into therapy twice a week and working it hard -- nothing will change.
Your job is to get real about this for your daughter. The thing is you have to assume nothing will change for the better. You've been shown over time that nothing will change and history does tend to repeat itself. So now comes the hard part where you gotta get strong for your daughter. Let her be your motivation to stay strong...and get into a recovery program for yourself.
And perhaps when you leave (and stay no contact!) this will help your GF to face her demons....or not. It really is the only hope that anything will get better.
We are here to help and support you. (((((Hugs))))
Your GF sounds like she has an intense fear of abandonment and no real driving desire to face her demons. So unless she makes some REAL changes -- like getting into therapy twice a week and working it hard -- nothing will change.
Your job is to get real about this for your daughter. The thing is you have to assume nothing will change for the better. You've been shown over time that nothing will change and history does tend to repeat itself. So now comes the hard part where you gotta get strong for your daughter. Let her be your motivation to stay strong...and get into a recovery program for yourself.
And perhaps when you leave (and stay no contact!) this will help your GF to face her demons....or not. It really is the only hope that anything will get better.
We are here to help and support you. (((((Hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 218
Hey Phoenix,
This is a beautifully written post and it describes the merry go round so well. It made me think of my earliest days on this site and at the time a poster (I think it was NYCChick) made reference to the Toby Rice Drews books. Don't know if you've heard of them but she has written a series called "Getting Them Sober" (misleading, because in the manner of AlAnon, they're actually about looking after yourself). Volume four of the series deals with separation decisions and it absolutely nails the situation you describe. She explains, also beautifully, why the alcoholic's irrational (Jeckyl Hyde) behavior bonds us to them so closely. We don't feel an overwhelming sense of relief and confuse it with love when a "normal" person behaves "normally." We don't have to watch someone like a hawk or focus all our attention on them if they are healthy, well adjusted and fall within a "normal" range of predictable, consistent behavior. I'm not doing the book justice but it outlined for me why so many of my own crazy behaviors were understandable (if not "normal") responses - because living around alcoholism doesn't nurture "normal" responses. There are -great- and valid reasons why we feel so bonded to irrational, unpredictable alcoholics. Reading them made me feel better, and stronger, and more resolved.
If you can read some excerpts on Amazon, or order the book, I would highly recommend it. I'm in Al-Anon and I have a tonne of face to face support in the program. Al-Anon literature is great but it purposely doesn't focus on the alcoholic, or explain why it is that we have some of the reactions that we do (she describes a stat eof "excited misery" that described me to a T). This book was a huge piece of the jigsaw puzzle for me and really helpful to my recovery.
Thanks for sharing,
SL.
This is a beautifully written post and it describes the merry go round so well. It made me think of my earliest days on this site and at the time a poster (I think it was NYCChick) made reference to the Toby Rice Drews books. Don't know if you've heard of them but she has written a series called "Getting Them Sober" (misleading, because in the manner of AlAnon, they're actually about looking after yourself). Volume four of the series deals with separation decisions and it absolutely nails the situation you describe. She explains, also beautifully, why the alcoholic's irrational (Jeckyl Hyde) behavior bonds us to them so closely. We don't feel an overwhelming sense of relief and confuse it with love when a "normal" person behaves "normally." We don't have to watch someone like a hawk or focus all our attention on them if they are healthy, well adjusted and fall within a "normal" range of predictable, consistent behavior. I'm not doing the book justice but it outlined for me why so many of my own crazy behaviors were understandable (if not "normal") responses - because living around alcoholism doesn't nurture "normal" responses. There are -great- and valid reasons why we feel so bonded to irrational, unpredictable alcoholics. Reading them made me feel better, and stronger, and more resolved.
If you can read some excerpts on Amazon, or order the book, I would highly recommend it. I'm in Al-Anon and I have a tonne of face to face support in the program. Al-Anon literature is great but it purposely doesn't focus on the alcoholic, or explain why it is that we have some of the reactions that we do (she describes a stat eof "excited misery" that described me to a T). This book was a huge piece of the jigsaw puzzle for me and really helpful to my recovery.
Thanks for sharing,
SL.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by phoenix10 
Then I get home today with my daughter, and there are flowers and cards and a gift bag. And she comes out of her bedroom and is talking and laughing with my daughter and me.
And I feel so relieved.
And then I feel so scared.
Because I recognize this.
I want to feel better in that moment, by feeling the anger and distance and pain between us dissipate.
And then I am shocked because I start to see that there is even a small amount of hope, where yesterday there was only a desperate pressing desire to escape.
And then I feel really scared, because I need to feel desperate and angry, or I'll never get out of here!
This is my crazy pattern.
And I feel so relieved.
And then I feel so scared.
Because I recognize this.
I want to feel better in that moment, by feeling the anger and distance and pain between us dissipate.
And then I am shocked because I start to see that there is even a small amount of hope, where yesterday there was only a desperate pressing desire to escape.
And then I feel really scared, because I need to feel desperate and angry, or I'll never get out of here!
This is my crazy pattern.
That is the merry-go-round, exactly.
Wow.
Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Yes, well said. Been there, done that. I left in anger, but it wasn't the level you describe; it was more disgusted anger at MYSELF for continuing to put up with an unhealthy situation and allowing my children to bear witness to this. Yes, I have thought it only HE would change, everything would be ok. If only HE would stop this pattern, we'd go back to getting along. But you know what? I have some responsibility here, too. Actually, quite a bit more than I would have even dared to admit several months ago. *See crazy spouse thread from yesterday*
You don't have to leave if you are not ready for that. But you do need to stop the madness for yourself. She can't stop that for you, no matter what she does. She's sick. Period.
Trust us here - you will feel better when you start taking care of you and quit focusing so darn much energy on her. That's a bottomless pit! You sound here as if you are starting to get more objective about your situation. That's great! Keep it up...keep watching yourself react to her and your situation. Little by little it begins to sink in to the point that we can't NOT acknowledge it anymore - we are just as nuts as we think they are! Now I know why its referred to as a family disease. Its not just the effects on the family, its how the family changes in the downward spiral.
You don't have to leave if you are not ready for that. But you do need to stop the madness for yourself. She can't stop that for you, no matter what she does. She's sick. Period.
Trust us here - you will feel better when you start taking care of you and quit focusing so darn much energy on her. That's a bottomless pit! You sound here as if you are starting to get more objective about your situation. That's great! Keep it up...keep watching yourself react to her and your situation. Little by little it begins to sink in to the point that we can't NOT acknowledge it anymore - we are just as nuts as we think they are! Now I know why its referred to as a family disease. Its not just the effects on the family, its how the family changes in the downward spiral.
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