Letting Go and getting sick of it
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Letting Go and getting sick of it
I'm working on letting go of a situation. One that keeps creeping into my thoughts, working to drive me towards panic. It's a situation I cannot control, yet I continue to try to sort out how I can control it. I worry about what's happening. Thinking about this makes me feel horrible about myself. Feel angry, victimized, unloved. Abandoned.
I've spent two days consciously letting go of this issue, then taking it back. I even get angry with this process, I feel like, really? You're really ******* back? I just got rid of you. GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!
I'm reaching a point with the obsessive thinking that I realize I don't want to feel this way, and turning my attention back to the present. Really looking at my kids. Cleaning the freaking kitchen. let it go, let it go.
Then I forget about it and start feeling better until it raises its' head again. Must be the drugs I'm taking because I'm refusing to take any today and today it's horrible. It's all about abandonment, betrayal, feeling unloved. I hate it. I hate my friends who I feel have done this to me. I hate my parents who set me up for a lifetime of just plain being ****** and I hate my weakness. My inability to just leave it alone.
Yesterday I was doing much better. I was not emotional, for hte most part. I would pick it back up, turn it over in my hands, examine it carefully. Hmm. Yep. Still makes me feel like sh!t. Then put it down.
But today I feel defeated. I've been in the midst of a brutal endometriosis attack, the worst I've had in a year at least. Haven't been to yoga for months, that's why. But I am working, earning more money, gaining my independence. Soon I can buy a car, a modified diesal truck that runs on used vegetable oil. Another three weeks and I can afford a freaking car and not going to yoga-despite skyrocketing my PTSD and pelvic pain-is a small price to pay for being able to drive my kids to school. I know this.
How gratitude and exhaustion can live in the same space in my body is a real puzzle to me. I'm tired, I'm sick of being high on drugs that don't actually lessen the pain just make me stoned, sick of my mother ******* issues and how they control my life, my emotions, my choices. There has to be a way of letting go of this obsessive situation I have no control over. I can't control the people involved, I've already told them how I feel. That's enough. More than once is controlling so I 'm not doing that, but now I have to deal with this ancient pain, this belief that I'm being betrayed, I'm unloved, and it will always be this way and afraid of spiraling down into that abyss I lived in for so long. Anger. Pain. Resentment. Powerlessness.
Welcome back transform. Nice to see you're still as ****** up as you ever were.
I've spent two days consciously letting go of this issue, then taking it back. I even get angry with this process, I feel like, really? You're really ******* back? I just got rid of you. GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!
I'm reaching a point with the obsessive thinking that I realize I don't want to feel this way, and turning my attention back to the present. Really looking at my kids. Cleaning the freaking kitchen. let it go, let it go.
Then I forget about it and start feeling better until it raises its' head again. Must be the drugs I'm taking because I'm refusing to take any today and today it's horrible. It's all about abandonment, betrayal, feeling unloved. I hate it. I hate my friends who I feel have done this to me. I hate my parents who set me up for a lifetime of just plain being ****** and I hate my weakness. My inability to just leave it alone.
Yesterday I was doing much better. I was not emotional, for hte most part. I would pick it back up, turn it over in my hands, examine it carefully. Hmm. Yep. Still makes me feel like sh!t. Then put it down.
But today I feel defeated. I've been in the midst of a brutal endometriosis attack, the worst I've had in a year at least. Haven't been to yoga for months, that's why. But I am working, earning more money, gaining my independence. Soon I can buy a car, a modified diesal truck that runs on used vegetable oil. Another three weeks and I can afford a freaking car and not going to yoga-despite skyrocketing my PTSD and pelvic pain-is a small price to pay for being able to drive my kids to school. I know this.
How gratitude and exhaustion can live in the same space in my body is a real puzzle to me. I'm tired, I'm sick of being high on drugs that don't actually lessen the pain just make me stoned, sick of my mother ******* issues and how they control my life, my emotions, my choices. There has to be a way of letting go of this obsessive situation I have no control over. I can't control the people involved, I've already told them how I feel. That's enough. More than once is controlling so I 'm not doing that, but now I have to deal with this ancient pain, this belief that I'm being betrayed, I'm unloved, and it will always be this way and afraid of spiraling down into that abyss I lived in for so long. Anger. Pain. Resentment. Powerlessness.
Welcome back transform. Nice to see you're still as ****** up as you ever were.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Oh, Lakota Woman,
I can feel the pain in your post.
Please accept the love I am sending you to push out some of the bad stuff.
What can I do?
Beth
Nope. Not at all. You are not.
I can feel the pain in your post.
Please accept the love I am sending you to push out some of the bad stuff.
What can I do?
Beth
Welcome back transform. Nice to see you're still as ****** up as you ever were.
Last edited by wicked; 02-06-2011 at 10:28 AM. Reason: to add a quote
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Oh Beth. You're so good. so faithful. Thank you. I'm just tired of being tortured by the past, you know how that PTSD is. it's relentless. And unforgiving.
Being chronically ill created depression, as does this horrible winter (for me). I know this. tomorrow I'll go to class, even if I'm still sick and just lie there and sweat and pray if I can't do the work standing. But today I just want to cry, can't stop now. My poor kids. I've been on the couch for a week.
Being chronically ill created depression, as does this horrible winter (for me). I know this. tomorrow I'll go to class, even if I'm still sick and just lie there and sweat and pray if I can't do the work standing. But today I just want to cry, can't stop now. My poor kids. I've been on the couch for a week.
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: PM me
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transform...I'm glad I read this. Although I'm sorry to see u in such mental and physical pain. I have endometriosis too. Do you find it really messes with your emotions. I don't know about you but I get extremmmmeeely depressed or anxious sometimes from ovulation all the way until I'm done bleeding. DOes that happen for you?
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Mary: I just posted on your anxiety thread too. Funny.
Yes, the endometroisis is a total mind/body horror for me. The yoga I talked about is Bikram yoga and it heals both my anxiety and endometriosis, but I' haven't gone in at least three months, so now I'm back up to full blown psycho in pain again.
This cycle has been as you described, pain startting at ovulation that builds. I'm almost done with my cycle and it's not subsiding and I'm both scared and pissed off about it.
It hurts down into my legs and is HOT. I keep thinking of it as a monster, living in my body. But I know I need to envision it differently. I'll go back to class tomorrow and the answers will come to me there.
I'm sorry you too struggle with this.
Yes, the endometroisis is a total mind/body horror for me. The yoga I talked about is Bikram yoga and it heals both my anxiety and endometriosis, but I' haven't gone in at least three months, so now I'm back up to full blown psycho in pain again.
This cycle has been as you described, pain startting at ovulation that builds. I'm almost done with my cycle and it's not subsiding and I'm both scared and pissed off about it.
It hurts down into my legs and is HOT. I keep thinking of it as a monster, living in my body. But I know I need to envision it differently. I'll go back to class tomorrow and the answers will come to me there.
I'm sorry you too struggle with this.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hugs, Transform, hugs.
I know they don't make it all better, but it's about the best I can do at the moment.
I hesitate to offer any advice or suggestions--you generally work these things through pretty well, but I know how it feels when it seems like you're just STUCK.
It WILL get better. Some days are harder than others. The wintertime is usually my worst time of the year--this year things are a little different, but the days are finally getting longer and soon we will be out of the seasonal gloom.
Another hug, just for good measure.
I know they don't make it all better, but it's about the best I can do at the moment.
I hesitate to offer any advice or suggestions--you generally work these things through pretty well, but I know how it feels when it seems like you're just STUCK.
It WILL get better. Some days are harder than others. The wintertime is usually my worst time of the year--this year things are a little different, but the days are finally getting longer and soon we will be out of the seasonal gloom.
Another hug, just for good measure.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you for the hugs everyone. I've missed coming here so much, thought about you guys while I was on the other coast working. I was actually doing great (well, besides the anxiety) before this cycle of endo.
But this thing with my friends, I know it's my issue but I want to act out, want to disown both of them. Run away.
Sigh. The bottom line is my business partner came iwth me to an event with a man who I have loved, literally, since I was 16. She's a narcissist. She told me all about her boobs and how great they looked and her spike heels on the phone before she came to pick me up. I didn't care.
My friend did. He asked her to dinner.
he's a man-*****, always has been. I haven't spoken to him in ten years, but we met up in October, his wife died in her sleep in May, leaving him with more money than he knows what to do with and a baby.
So my friend gives me a ride home after asking my business partner out and tells me "you know that should be YOU I'm taking to dinner tomorrow night, but you've got too many issue you need to work out."
Yes, I know he's a ******* *******. And she claimed she wouldn't sleep with him because in her words, she's all about "bros before hoes" but she still went out with him.
I hate them both. I seriously have been in love with this man since I was 16 when we first met at a restuarant together. He's beautiful and funny and charming.
But I have noticed he's also very controlling and pompous.
I'm confused. I'm so angry with my business partner. She said this wasnt "what I thought it was," but just two people having a date who have not been ready to date in along time. She told me, "he said if things were different he would be dating you."
WFT does THAT mean?
The worst part is it makes me feel like I'm the fat, uncool, 12 year old and left out of the popular, in crowd. Really.
I was going to call her today and tell her to **** off. So far, I haven't.
But this thing with my friends, I know it's my issue but I want to act out, want to disown both of them. Run away.
Sigh. The bottom line is my business partner came iwth me to an event with a man who I have loved, literally, since I was 16. She's a narcissist. She told me all about her boobs and how great they looked and her spike heels on the phone before she came to pick me up. I didn't care.
My friend did. He asked her to dinner.
he's a man-*****, always has been. I haven't spoken to him in ten years, but we met up in October, his wife died in her sleep in May, leaving him with more money than he knows what to do with and a baby.
So my friend gives me a ride home after asking my business partner out and tells me "you know that should be YOU I'm taking to dinner tomorrow night, but you've got too many issue you need to work out."
Yes, I know he's a ******* *******. And she claimed she wouldn't sleep with him because in her words, she's all about "bros before hoes" but she still went out with him.
I hate them both. I seriously have been in love with this man since I was 16 when we first met at a restuarant together. He's beautiful and funny and charming.
But I have noticed he's also very controlling and pompous.
I'm confused. I'm so angry with my business partner. She said this wasnt "what I thought it was," but just two people having a date who have not been ready to date in along time. She told me, "he said if things were different he would be dating you."
WFT does THAT mean?
The worst part is it makes me feel like I'm the fat, uncool, 12 year old and left out of the popular, in crowd. Really.
I was going to call her today and tell her to **** off. So far, I haven't.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Man.
That would get under my skin, too. Does this woman have any idea how you feel about him? Does he?
It kinda sounds a little bit as if you think they should just "know". Have you thought of asking him out, yourself?
That would get under my skin, too. Does this woman have any idea how you feel about him? Does he?
It kinda sounds a little bit as if you think they should just "know". Have you thought of asking him out, yourself?
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I just want to point out that this:
Is self-neglect. Make your needs the number one priority. Love ya.
but I' haven't gone in at least three months, so now I'm back up to full blown psycho in pain again.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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He and I have been hanging out, his wife just freaking died so I didn't jump him, but he says he knew how I felt, we've talked about it a lot.
She knows because when she saw us together for the first time she said she'd never seen me happier and why weren't we together?
And yes, I haven't been taking care of myself by going to yoga, but seriously, i need a car and money.
She knows because when she saw us together for the first time she said she'd never seen me happier and why weren't we together?
And yes, I haven't been taking care of myself by going to yoga, but seriously, i need a car and money.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Oh, big old hug, Transformie. You are not unloved! I think it's safe to say you are loved by many. I know I LYLAS (to bring back a saying from HS).
The business partner is just a selfish b-tch. If she was really all 'bros before hoes' she would have declined the date. He sounds like a very manipulative a--hole. I know you see that he's trying to play you guys off each other, right? I mean, really, what kind of man takes one woman to dinner and tells her he should be dating her friend? Blech.
Transformie, I think perhaps you've been in love with an idea of him for all these years. He is truly not measuring up to the ideal or even a partially decent guy.
I completely understand feeling stuck. I'm not entirely sure how to get unstuck myself. But I agree with Lexie, some days are harder than others and I'm sure you'll get through this too.
Hugs and I hope you're feeling better soon.
The business partner is just a selfish b-tch. If she was really all 'bros before hoes' she would have declined the date. He sounds like a very manipulative a--hole. I know you see that he's trying to play you guys off each other, right? I mean, really, what kind of man takes one woman to dinner and tells her he should be dating her friend? Blech.
Transformie, I think perhaps you've been in love with an idea of him for all these years. He is truly not measuring up to the ideal or even a partially decent guy.
I completely understand feeling stuck. I'm not entirely sure how to get unstuck myself. But I agree with Lexie, some days are harder than others and I'm sure you'll get through this too.
Hugs and I hope you're feeling better soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Transformie)))
Sounds like neither one has integrity stronger than their aged hormones.
Shallow, and undeserving of your time. Some people are just disgusting.
hugs,
one of your admiring followers here and glad to see you are alive and kicking out there,
chicory
Sounds like neither one has integrity stronger than their aged hormones.
Shallow, and undeserving of your time. Some people are just disgusting.
hugs,
one of your admiring followers here and glad to see you are alive and kicking out there,
chicory
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Thanks Chicory-I'm glad to see you too
And L2L that sounded snappy towards you, when I was really just in a rush. I know i"m not taking care of myself, but have really been struggling. It's math, really, I have so many hours in the day and absolutely need financial independence.
I"m awake and worrying about interacting with my bus partner. I called her to try to talk to her and she screamed at me, then texted me all kinds of stupid ****. Now I'm worried about interacting with her again. I should have learned my lessen with her months ago, I'm pretty sure she's a narcissist and have figured out how to deal with her pretty well but need to have clearer boundaries again.
And L2L that sounded snappy towards you, when I was really just in a rush. I know i"m not taking care of myself, but have really been struggling. It's math, really, I have so many hours in the day and absolutely need financial independence.
I"m awake and worrying about interacting with my bus partner. I called her to try to talk to her and she screamed at me, then texted me all kinds of stupid ****. Now I'm worried about interacting with her again. I should have learned my lessen with her months ago, I'm pretty sure she's a narcissist and have figured out how to deal with her pretty well but need to have clearer boundaries again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi transformie-
i'm concerned that your not feeling well. what about doing simple yoga in your living room with a youtube video? that's what i do. i know birkam involves high heat, but even simple movement and breathing might help with the pain.
sometimes, when i can't be bothered, i watch this video and it always inspires me to get up and move and stretch. and when i do, i feel much better.
YouTube - FlowmotionŽ :: Sarah Tomson Beyer :: Yoga Flow 3 (2007) :: (audio swap)
i'm concerned that your not feeling well. what about doing simple yoga in your living room with a youtube video? that's what i do. i know birkam involves high heat, but even simple movement and breathing might help with the pain.
sometimes, when i can't be bothered, i watch this video and it always inspires me to get up and move and stretch. and when i do, i feel much better.
YouTube - FlowmotionŽ :: Sarah Tomson Beyer :: Yoga Flow 3 (2007) :: (audio swap)
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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Hi Naive-I did some stretching today, thank you for the lovely reminder.
This is part of a cycle for me, all of it. I'm piecing the puzzle parts together it's very bizarre, trying to figure our and fix myself.
both of these people offend me regularly. The man and my partner, who I went through a very traumatic time with a few months ago, before I sorted out the whole NPD thing.
So we're back to me getting more healthy again, so I can set and hold healthy boundaries instead of being an anxious, guilt ridden, bottom of the barrel self esteem poster child..
This is part of a cycle for me, all of it. I'm piecing the puzzle parts together it's very bizarre, trying to figure our and fix myself.
both of these people offend me regularly. The man and my partner, who I went through a very traumatic time with a few months ago, before I sorted out the whole NPD thing.
So we're back to me getting more healthy again, so I can set and hold healthy boundaries instead of being an anxious, guilt ridden, bottom of the barrel self esteem poster child..
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 821
I've read your posts and I know you're strong. Heck, even when I'm feeling down, I think about your forum name. It's pretty strong. I believe you have a ton on your plate but just think about it. Not too much longer now and you'll have a vehicle. Then you can take that obstacle off your list.
Checkmark - Accomplished
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Stay strong. You say it's a cycle. It will pass.
Checkmark - Accomplished
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Stay strong. You say it's a cycle. It will pass.
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