Reactiosn from AH or AW
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Reactiosn from AH or AW
What are some of the reactions you received from your AH or AW when they finally realized that you were serious this time and their QUACKING and promises to change (once again) were not working??
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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He didn't accept it.
Denial was an underlying theme but he swung wildly from being very nice, very sorry, very emotionally manipulative and abusive, finally resentful acceptance. The meanness and blaming remained for a long time after the divorce was final through emails.
There was not a lot of 'drama' in our relationship. No previous breakups. No threats to leave. Divorce had never been uttered. The denial was shockingly powerful to me. He went a little crazy. Throughout our relationship he was emotionally manipulative and looking back I can identify things that added up to lead to my confusion and how he discounted me in so many ways but after I told him I wanted a divorce he ramped all that up to being conciously and outwardly emotionally and verbally abusive. It was not a side I had seen before.
Denial was an underlying theme but he swung wildly from being very nice, very sorry, very emotionally manipulative and abusive, finally resentful acceptance. The meanness and blaming remained for a long time after the divorce was final through emails.
There was not a lot of 'drama' in our relationship. No previous breakups. No threats to leave. Divorce had never been uttered. The denial was shockingly powerful to me. He went a little crazy. Throughout our relationship he was emotionally manipulative and looking back I can identify things that added up to lead to my confusion and how he discounted me in so many ways but after I told him I wanted a divorce he ramped all that up to being conciously and outwardly emotionally and verbally abusive. It was not a side I had seen before.
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Threats to reveal to my family, friends and coworkers that I was a pedophile and that I'd been a stripper for a few years.
Destroying my clothing ("if you wore this for me, I won't let you wear it for someone else").
Drinking more.
Going out more.
Avoiding me.
The usual "poor me" routine x 100
Destroying my clothing ("if you wore this for me, I won't let you wear it for someone else").
Drinking more.
Going out more.
Avoiding me.
The usual "poor me" routine x 100
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
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Umm, here I get a little stumped. My AH got serious about AA, finally got a sponsor, and seems to be getting himself together. But he's been an alcoholic for a long time (probably 20+ years), we are both older (I think that does matter to some people) and I get the impression that he values family more so than he might have a decade ago - after a decade of being very lonely! I suppose at some point I should refer to him as my "RAH" but I am not there yet with believing - but still hopeful! He wasn't even mean when I left, although he had been increasingly verbally abusive and blamestorming in the past. He actually said he didn't blame me and would probably do the same thing if he were me. And I think he was sincere.
So this is really my first time around this block with him. Hopefully he'll be that miracle that doesn't need a second time around, because I already made it clear there won't be one for me - life is too short for this kind of drama - and I want to go back to the roller coaster ride that is safe for kids and grandmas and pregnant ladies. This one gives me a headache and nausea!
So this is really my first time around this block with him. Hopefully he'll be that miracle that doesn't need a second time around, because I already made it clear there won't be one for me - life is too short for this kind of drama - and I want to go back to the roller coaster ride that is safe for kids and grandmas and pregnant ladies. This one gives me a headache and nausea!
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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I told my husband that he was toxic to me while actively using. I explained that the kids need at least one healthy parent and he was not healthy, so it has to be me. So I had been calling attorney's for a legal separation. I explained that I did not want a divorce but would file for one for me and the kids to be healthy and happy. He has been clean and in an out-patient program for 3 weeks and is looking for alternative programs of support, he did not care for AA. So I am not sure what is around the corner, but he is here now. He is actively participating in the house and with the kids and me.
One day at a time
One day at a time
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Wow, I'm stunned at how different my AH's reaction is from everyone elses. We've been married 18 yrs, known each other for 20. Have 2 teenage girls. We had what I thought was a good marriage.
I basically told him I couldn't live with the alchol anymore. It created too much fear and anxiety in me. I suggested he get help or we would be better off living separately. He immediatley chose the beer. No qualms, no remorse, no anger. He did cry that night for 20 minutes.
Since then I've proceeded with moving forward with the divorce: looking for a job, seeing lawyers, getting the house ready to move etc. Still NO reaction!!
He can calmly discuss the divorce and how we should handle it. He's willing to give me 2/3 of his salary for yrs, but no remorse, no sadness. He's putting his best foot forward: being cheery, controlling his drinking, taking responsibility for things he couldn't do before. 2 weeks later he hasn't changed his mind about treatment and is willing to give up 20 yrs because he won't take an ultimatum.
I basically told him I couldn't live with the alchol anymore. It created too much fear and anxiety in me. I suggested he get help or we would be better off living separately. He immediatley chose the beer. No qualms, no remorse, no anger. He did cry that night for 20 minutes.
Since then I've proceeded with moving forward with the divorce: looking for a job, seeing lawyers, getting the house ready to move etc. Still NO reaction!!
He can calmly discuss the divorce and how we should handle it. He's willing to give me 2/3 of his salary for yrs, but no remorse, no sadness. He's putting his best foot forward: being cheery, controlling his drinking, taking responsibility for things he couldn't do before. 2 weeks later he hasn't changed his mind about treatment and is willing to give up 20 yrs because he won't take an ultimatum.
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Well, he never thought I was serious about leaving. When I did, he was incredulous. And then the reaction was pretty much like Thumper and Idul said.
The way I finally figured it out in counseling was that I did everything for him, and he lost all his bearings when I left. So when he said "I love you, I can't live without you, I will do anything to get you back" -- was it really about love? Or was it about getting the furniture (me) back where he could continue using it in the fashion he had been accustomed to?
The way I finally figured it out in counseling was that I did everything for him, and he lost all his bearings when I left. So when he said "I love you, I can't live without you, I will do anything to get you back" -- was it really about love? Or was it about getting the furniture (me) back where he could continue using it in the fashion he had been accustomed to?
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Thanks! There appears to be different reactions. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens. I do not want any more drama and hoping we can part without it. It just is not worth it. You made your choice, now live with it and stop blaming everyone else for your own issues.
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I will say that the drama in my life would have been greatly reduced had the move to seperate houses coincided with the petition for divorce. Certainly it would not have been drama free but maybe trauma free. My boys have memories imprinted that could have all been avoided had we not been under the same roof.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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She went on a week-long drinking binge, called the cops and told them I hit her.
Wouldn't let me get in the house to get my stuff, I had to get a police escort to get in the house. After a week, she attempted suicide (not really, took a bunch of Advil and called 911), and that ended her psychosis.
Wouldn't let me get in the house to get my stuff, I had to get a police escort to get in the house. After a week, she attempted suicide (not really, took a bunch of Advil and called 911), and that ended her psychosis.
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Interestingly, my first husband had a much stronger reaction when I told him I wanted a divorce (we'd been having problems and I was VERY unhappy, but we rarely argued). He threw something (I forget what) across the room and shouted, "I've never felt so f*cking USED in my life!"
Mind you, he'd been sober for fifteen years at that point. He was shocked and deeply hurt. I felt bad for him, because he had always been good to me. I just wasn't happy in the marriage.
Today, he is probably my closest friend in the world.
Mind you, he'd been sober for fifteen years at that point. He was shocked and deeply hurt. I felt bad for him, because he had always been good to me. I just wasn't happy in the marriage.
Today, he is probably my closest friend in the world.
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Join Date: May 2010
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When I said I would have to move out if he continued to drink, he said, well ok, then go.
The next morning, he said he would stop drinking if I would stay. I said the only way I would stay would be if he put himself in an inpatient program that very day...he said he could stop drinking all by himself, as long as I was not there to mistrust him.
I told him I could only leave if he loaned me money to move and rent a place of my own. He handed over his credit card. I used it. I hugged him goodbye. He just wanted to drink in peace.
The next morning, he said he would stop drinking if I would stay. I said the only way I would stay would be if he put himself in an inpatient program that very day...he said he could stop drinking all by himself, as long as I was not there to mistrust him.
I told him I could only leave if he loaned me money to move and rent a place of my own. He handed over his credit card. I used it. I hugged him goodbye. He just wanted to drink in peace.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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Mine always tried, (and still does in sobriety), to pin it all on me, in an attempt to get me to switch over and beg for him to stay.
It worked for years. I would say I am done, he would say, "no, Im done...and its because of this and this and this..." I would crumble, realizing I was the "real Problem"...LOL
I still do it, only less and less, and for shorter and shorter durations. I am thinking I am traveling to the end of the funnel. Pretty soon I will be coming out the other side.
He would also sleep with or threaten to sleep with someone THAT day. I would be so broken up over it, I would cave.
It worked for years. I would say I am done, he would say, "no, Im done...and its because of this and this and this..." I would crumble, realizing I was the "real Problem"...LOL
I still do it, only less and less, and for shorter and shorter durations. I am thinking I am traveling to the end of the funnel. Pretty soon I will be coming out the other side.
He would also sleep with or threaten to sleep with someone THAT day. I would be so broken up over it, I would cave.
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