BTB

Just got a call from my attorney saying that my soon-to-be XAW’s attorney had called and said that my soon-to-be XAW had called her saying I was not going to be at the court ordered mediation for our divorce because my Dad had just died and I was going to be at his funeral.

My Dad is gravely ill and may die at any time, but he is still alive. And if he does pass, his funeral will not be scheduled for the same day. Though that will be a sad day, we (my brothers and sister) have been preparing for his passing for several months now.

How low will or can they go?

jayscott

First reaction after being told I'd filed divorce papers: denial ("yea, whatever.") Second reaction: anger ("I think it's hilarious that you'll have to pay to support me"). Third reaction, after being served papers: fear (hyperventilated, passed out). Fourth reaction: binge drinking.

Went to rehab 24 hours before scheduled custody hearing.

BTB

I've heard the first three reactions and my attorney and I fully expect something like fourth reaction from her just before the court ordered mediation this week. Are we married to the same woman????? Hang in there.

simplyfab

I was the one getting the threats.

I was the one making broken pomises, lying, "it won't happen again".

It went on for about 3 yrs.

Then one day...I saw in his eyes how much it wasn't just a threat anymore.
He meant it. He loved me but couldn't live like that anymore.
He was tired and broken.

Thats when I fully saw and understood what I had put my family through. I knew, and not that I didn't care, but, I wasnt looking at the whole picture while I was drinking.
I wasn't using my peripherals. Every now and then I'd get a glimpse but, like looking through binoculars, I only saw what I set my eyes to. (If that makes sense)
I had times in my heavy drinking state that should've been my bottom. But I guess for me, that was it.
Having my family broken up because of MY drinking was my bottom.
I'm just glad I realized it before I truly lost him and my family as a whole.

You can give him ultimatums til you're blue in the face..
But if thats all they are...he's gonna see right through 'em.
If you're serious, act on 'em. And don't give in..
It'll be the best thing for YOU. And maybe him....maybe it'll plant that seed he needs where he starts to not want to drink anymore because he knows the consequences, and everytime he thinks twice, that seed grows until its all he thinks about and makes the choice to quit drinking.
But if he doesn't quit,
from an alcoholic to a non-alcoholic,
it has nothing to do w/ you!
I know its hard to understand...believe me, I'm an alcoholic who still til this day has a hard time believing that my father didn't choose alcohol over his family.
It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.

But its different for everybody.
And in the end...its gonna be up to him when he stops.

Good luck to you...

wicked

Very well put simplyfab.
Amazing how blind we can be.

Beth

BTB

I was tired and broken too. I refuse to ride on her roller coaster any longer and when it derails, I may be a witness to it but I won't be a victim of it.

BTB

My Dad died this afternoon. My STBXAW called to express her sympathy and then started in on how I should drop the divorce, our court ordered mediation was going to be a waste of time and she wouldn't go unless she could find someone to take her (she has 2 cars she can drive and earlier today sent me an email asking if she could ride with my attorney and I since it's like a 40 mile drive). I thank her for expressing her sympathy, told her I had to go, said good bye and hung up. She called like a minute later and the call went unanswered.

theuncertainty

I'm so sorry, BTB. Wishing you strength and peace.

boomerlady

very interesting to see the different reactions. I've spent way too much time wondering what my AH's reaction will be. I believe I can expect the drinking more, avoiding me, and denial. I haven't mentioned divorce in many years (since I've been in al-anon), but last time I did, he said, "oh you don't want to do that". Like it was all my fault and such a bad idea! How could I think of such an awful thing? Of course, he had no part in me coming to the decision.

kptsj

I haven't left yet. But, I no longer allow him to manipulate things or feel sorry for him when he won't eat for 4 days and then screams at me that he feels bad because of it. He sees that I am pretty much done with him. Instead of trying to do something to keep me he keeps saying I have a boyfriend. Nope, I think living the past 5 years have turned me away from wanting a romance for a very long time if ever.

pixilation

The 5 days I was gone, the 2nd day he called my son's cell phone and talked about how much he missed us, what did he have to do to get us back, etc. I told him AA, helping me out around the house, and a few other things.

4th day, I had to work in town(last shift, I had already put in my 2 weeks notice) and he had already agreed to watch the kids. I stepped into the house, and NOTHING had been touched from the night I was kicked out. He hadn't done a thing. He then started yelling at me about how he wasn't going to change, AA was crap, All my fault, blah blah blah. I had no choice but to leave for work, as it was the manager's night off and I had no one to call to come in for me. I spent half that shift in tears. The next day, I had picked the kids up from school(I was driving 60miles roundtrip twice a day that week), and stopped at the house to pick up a few things when he came home, and then made all nicey nice, plus started making up things about my family, convincing me to stay at that point. I was tired, stressed, and just couldn't take any of it anymore and gave up.

djayr

My AW is crying a river after 2 weeks moved out. Sad and kind of sorry, but one thing that doesn't penetrate her ears: "you need to stop drinking if we are going to have ANY hope!"

So she is wistful, trying to be hopeful, all the while getting drunk and doing the same things that drive me nuts.

I did file for divorce, she did come to the attorney's office to "get served", all without much of a fight. I wonder if she had a simplyfab moment:

"Then one day...I saw in his eyes how much it wasn't just a threat anymore."

So it's really happening. It feels strange but it has also been very peaceful living apart.