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I posted this is a different forum, which I think was the wrong one. I hope I dont get in trouble for reposting it here. 
Hi everyone!
I am new here and am looking for ideas, support, etc. My 27 yo son is an addict and my husband is the classic enabler. I get so frustrated!
Son has been in and out of jail, prison, rehab, probation, parole, etc. We have put out tens of thousands of dollars for him with fines, fees, attorneys, cars, child support, education, etc. We have gotten him jobs, places to live, etc. I have been so fed up with the whole thing and have not put up with it for years now.
Hubby, on the other hand, plays right into him. Gives him money, picks him up from well know drug areas, and just hangs out with him in general. Hubby allows him into the home while I am not here. I usually can tell because food has been eaten or the shower was used. Money or jewelry will be missing. Not long ago, one of our TVs was gone!
Right now, son has 3 warrants and has fled to another state 1000 miles away, thinking he could live with family. Apparently, his plan didnt work out. He texted me last week asking for money to live. Im not actually believing the "money to live" story, anyway. When I said no, he got mad and ugly with me. That doesnt bother me as Ive just about heard it all from him. I am to the point where I dont care.
My husband, on the other hand, spends hours texting back and forth with him, talking on the phone while he is at work. If I ask my husband if he has heard from son that day, he lies about it. Son has always been able to get between hubby and I. He has made it known that I am "the problem" and if I wasnt here-- well, apparently they would be living happily ever after.
I have had many years of counseling (hubby wont go), attended Al Anon meetings in the past, and have read books, watched TV shows, etc. Hubby has no interest in anything like this. He feels its his job as a parent to be there for his son, to provide for him no matter what he needs.
I try to have the whatever! attitude, but thats hard. Im not all the way there yet. I really need to not let their relationship get to me. Or is that even the right way to go???
Hi everyone!
I am new here and am looking for ideas, support, etc. My 27 yo son is an addict and my husband is the classic enabler. I get so frustrated!
Son has been in and out of jail, prison, rehab, probation, parole, etc. We have put out tens of thousands of dollars for him with fines, fees, attorneys, cars, child support, education, etc. We have gotten him jobs, places to live, etc. I have been so fed up with the whole thing and have not put up with it for years now.
Hubby, on the other hand, plays right into him. Gives him money, picks him up from well know drug areas, and just hangs out with him in general. Hubby allows him into the home while I am not here. I usually can tell because food has been eaten or the shower was used. Money or jewelry will be missing. Not long ago, one of our TVs was gone!
Right now, son has 3 warrants and has fled to another state 1000 miles away, thinking he could live with family. Apparently, his plan didnt work out. He texted me last week asking for money to live. Im not actually believing the "money to live" story, anyway. When I said no, he got mad and ugly with me. That doesnt bother me as Ive just about heard it all from him. I am to the point where I dont care.
My husband, on the other hand, spends hours texting back and forth with him, talking on the phone while he is at work. If I ask my husband if he has heard from son that day, he lies about it. Son has always been able to get between hubby and I. He has made it known that I am "the problem" and if I wasnt here-- well, apparently they would be living happily ever after.
I have had many years of counseling (hubby wont go), attended Al Anon meetings in the past, and have read books, watched TV shows, etc. Hubby has no interest in anything like this. He feels its his job as a parent to be there for his son, to provide for him no matter what he needs.
I try to have the whatever! attitude, but thats hard. Im not all the way there yet. I really need to not let their relationship get to me. Or is that even the right way to go???
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((macgirl))) - welcome to SR, but sorry for what you are going through. I have similar situations going on in my family. One cousin (not an A), is spoiled wrotten..my age (49) and demands money from his parents. My aunt has had it, won't give in, so cousin just goes to his 93-year-old dad, who gives him what he wants.
I also have a 17-year-old niece who has been raised by my dad and stepmom (her grandmother). B's mom died with she was 1, her dad is a raging A (addict). They have let her do whatever, whenever since she was born. She moved out 6 months ago, came home, a couple nights, last week, and was so messed up on pills and alcohol, she terrorized me. I had to barricade myself in my room.
Of course, after hearing HER side of the story, dad and stepmom feel I had partial blame (I didn't)
I can't change them. Dad is about to buy her her 3rd laptop, has bought her numerous cell phones, and is always giving her money. I'm an RA...in a really bad financial, job situation and dad also helps me, so I can't complain.
If I were you, I'd get a separate bank account your husband has no access to, and put money aside (if possible). I'd not let a cent of it go to your husband, and if he gets low on money, well...that's his problem. No, it's not fair that you may get stuck with the bills as he's giving money to your son, but it may open his eyes a bit.
I've recently detached from my family, as far as family issues go. I have no problem talking about general stuff, but when it comes to B, I'm not going there. I finally got to the point where I was "done". I live with dad/stepmom, thanks to the financial/career mess I put myself into, and my dad is helping me out, but I help him out, too. I love my family, dearly...B is like the child I never had and we have a lot in common...have had some really good times.
I'd also lock up any valuables that he could steal. TV is not really reasonable, but I'm sure there are other things. Though I never stole anything, when I was using, I had my entire household sold by my XABF while I was in jail. My stepmom likes her pills, and I have my mediation in a lock box.
Ive read, and read, and read some more, here, to get ideas, suggestions as well as ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) to get to this point.
It sounds like it's really hard going through all this, and you are in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I also have a 17-year-old niece who has been raised by my dad and stepmom (her grandmother). B's mom died with she was 1, her dad is a raging A (addict). They have let her do whatever, whenever since she was born. She moved out 6 months ago, came home, a couple nights, last week, and was so messed up on pills and alcohol, she terrorized me. I had to barricade myself in my room.
Of course, after hearing HER side of the story, dad and stepmom feel I had partial blame (I didn't)
I can't change them. Dad is about to buy her her 3rd laptop, has bought her numerous cell phones, and is always giving her money. I'm an RA...in a really bad financial, job situation and dad also helps me, so I can't complain.
If I were you, I'd get a separate bank account your husband has no access to, and put money aside (if possible). I'd not let a cent of it go to your husband, and if he gets low on money, well...that's his problem. No, it's not fair that you may get stuck with the bills as he's giving money to your son, but it may open his eyes a bit.
I've recently detached from my family, as far as family issues go. I have no problem talking about general stuff, but when it comes to B, I'm not going there. I finally got to the point where I was "done". I live with dad/stepmom, thanks to the financial/career mess I put myself into, and my dad is helping me out, but I help him out, too. I love my family, dearly...B is like the child I never had and we have a lot in common...have had some really good times.
I'd also lock up any valuables that he could steal. TV is not really reasonable, but I'm sure there are other things. Though I never stole anything, when I was using, I had my entire household sold by my XABF while I was in jail. My stepmom likes her pills, and I have my mediation in a lock box.
Ive read, and read, and read some more, here, to get ideas, suggestions as well as ES&H (experience, strength, and hope) to get to this point.
It sounds like it's really hard going through all this, and you are in my prayers.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 105
Hi macgirl, Your household is the opposite of what mine was. I was the codependant one for years helping my addicted son. I only wish I had seeked therapy way before I did. That and alanon and this site woke me up but its seemed to take forever. We've had 2 rehabs here and 3 relapes. This last time we had to let him go and find his way. At this point, I haven't seen my son for about 6 weeks and it really hurts. I know now that all the love in the world isn't going to straighten him out but letting him go to find his own way is the smartest solution. Your husband needs some counciling and the sooner the better. If he's so strong about the way he feels he shouldn't have a hard time going. See if you can get an appointment with a Addiction therapist. She is the one that finally made me see the light. I wish you luck. Your on the right track and you both need to be on the same page to put and end to this. So, at least you and your hubby can live the life you deserve......believe me, it will get worse the longer it goes on without rehab or help....hugs~
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
macgirl
welcome to SR....I hope you find support and comfort here. All of us have a loved one who is addicted...we understand your concern and frustration.
I'm sure it's very difficult for you to watch your husband enable your son's addiction. Of course, you can't control either one of them. It must be very hard to feel as though you are the "third wheel".
I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here. We'll support you and "listen" when you need someone to talk to.
gentle hugs
welcome to SR....I hope you find support and comfort here. All of us have a loved one who is addicted...we understand your concern and frustration.
I'm sure it's very difficult for you to watch your husband enable your son's addiction. Of course, you can't control either one of them. It must be very hard to feel as though you are the "third wheel".
I hope you stick around. There is a lot of collective wisdom here. We'll support you and "listen" when you need someone to talk to.
gentle hugs
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