It's what I want, so why all the questions and confusion?
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
It's what I want, so why all the questions and confusion?
I should be super excited and full of rainbows and sunshine, because my ex-fiance has told me that he wants to make it work. (Bless his heart)
But I'm so full of questions!!
Is it wrong of me to question what kind of person stays after all that turmoil?
I feel almost ashamed to be thinking like this.
Like I should just count my lucky stars because this is what I wanted and after putting him through hell, its a miracle he still wants me.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe its just that he loves me so much and really does want to be w/ me through thick and thin.
I used to tell him to just hang in there and I would promise that one day we were gonna look back at all this madness as a major bump in our relationship and take what we can from it and leave it in the past. I meant it, but I would also use it as a way to buy time to continue drinking.
I wanted (want) him to stay because I love him so much. We've been together for almost 7 yrs and have a daughter together and he's been in my son's life since my son was 2.
The heartache and devestation I've put him through was alot. It was REALLY REALLY REALLY bad. I'm positive others would've left a long time ago.
Since my sobriety 82 days ago..I've been trying to get my family to where we're supposed to land after this disaster. Trying to figure out if he's willing to give me another chance or will I be picking up the pieces alone w/ our kids. (Not that he would leave w/out giving any support financially or w/ the kids. He's not that kind of guy. He's a real great guy) But picking up the pieces of a shattered family and learning how to move foward. Alone.
I honestly didn't think (but hoped) that he would give me another chance. And even though little by little we started talking more, hanging out together more and staying up together and being imtimate w/ eachother, I still thought he was gonna definitely be moving once the income tax return came. (He's sole provider and couldnt afford to save up)
But he's not...
And I go through a rollercoaster of emotions. There are times when I want to be close to him and hug and kiss him but don't because I dont want to smother him and I know he has alot of his own emotions to deal w/. Then there are times like now where I wonder why would he stay? And try to dissect every little thing.
Another thing that freaks me out is, I've read on this site of couples who didnt make it after sobriety. Describing it as worse than the addiction. I read on and can totally see how that's possible. How it was all about the addiction and now its all about sobriety and the other partner is again pushed aside and feels like his emotions or everything he went through aren't important enough.
Is that what I'm doing now? So focused on me and trying to 'fix' whats wrong that I'm becoming judgemental about his choices. Pretty much being the selfish sober instead of the selfish drunk?
I don't want to be selfish anymore. I know I have to stay sober for me in order to stay sober for my family but I dont want him left on the backburner again. I don't need for my sobriety to be about me so much that he feels neglected. I also don't want to turn into 'sober psychologist' and always look for the underlining meaning. Because what if what is, just is.
I'm sorry...I'm rambling.
We've waited for this time to come. Painfully, waited.
I guess I'm just scared. I've never dealt w/ feelings this deep head on.
And I don't want to mess this up. We deserve to have the life we were meant to have. But then, maybe thats why we're still together? Holding on to what we used to have?? UGH!! My mind is EVERYWHERE!!
I don't even know what I'm asking...
Thanks for letting me vent
But I'm so full of questions!!
Is it wrong of me to question what kind of person stays after all that turmoil?
I feel almost ashamed to be thinking like this.
Like I should just count my lucky stars because this is what I wanted and after putting him through hell, its a miracle he still wants me.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe its just that he loves me so much and really does want to be w/ me through thick and thin.
I used to tell him to just hang in there and I would promise that one day we were gonna look back at all this madness as a major bump in our relationship and take what we can from it and leave it in the past. I meant it, but I would also use it as a way to buy time to continue drinking.
I wanted (want) him to stay because I love him so much. We've been together for almost 7 yrs and have a daughter together and he's been in my son's life since my son was 2.
The heartache and devestation I've put him through was alot. It was REALLY REALLY REALLY bad. I'm positive others would've left a long time ago.
Since my sobriety 82 days ago..I've been trying to get my family to where we're supposed to land after this disaster. Trying to figure out if he's willing to give me another chance or will I be picking up the pieces alone w/ our kids. (Not that he would leave w/out giving any support financially or w/ the kids. He's not that kind of guy. He's a real great guy) But picking up the pieces of a shattered family and learning how to move foward. Alone.
I honestly didn't think (but hoped) that he would give me another chance. And even though little by little we started talking more, hanging out together more and staying up together and being imtimate w/ eachother, I still thought he was gonna definitely be moving once the income tax return came. (He's sole provider and couldnt afford to save up)
But he's not...
And I go through a rollercoaster of emotions. There are times when I want to be close to him and hug and kiss him but don't because I dont want to smother him and I know he has alot of his own emotions to deal w/. Then there are times like now where I wonder why would he stay? And try to dissect every little thing.
Another thing that freaks me out is, I've read on this site of couples who didnt make it after sobriety. Describing it as worse than the addiction. I read on and can totally see how that's possible. How it was all about the addiction and now its all about sobriety and the other partner is again pushed aside and feels like his emotions or everything he went through aren't important enough.
Is that what I'm doing now? So focused on me and trying to 'fix' whats wrong that I'm becoming judgemental about his choices. Pretty much being the selfish sober instead of the selfish drunk?
I don't want to be selfish anymore. I know I have to stay sober for me in order to stay sober for my family but I dont want him left on the backburner again. I don't need for my sobriety to be about me so much that he feels neglected. I also don't want to turn into 'sober psychologist' and always look for the underlining meaning. Because what if what is, just is.
I'm sorry...I'm rambling.
We've waited for this time to come. Painfully, waited.
I guess I'm just scared. I've never dealt w/ feelings this deep head on.
And I don't want to mess this up. We deserve to have the life we were meant to have. But then, maybe thats why we're still together? Holding on to what we used to have?? UGH!! My mind is EVERYWHERE!!
I don't even know what I'm asking...
Thanks for letting me vent
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Victoria
Posts: 143
Hi Fab,
maybe you are reading too much into it and what is...is just what is
Just continue taking one day at a time
and remember you are a person
worthy of love and happiness!
No-one who achieves success does so without the help of others.
The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude.
Alfred North Whitehead.
maybe you are reading too much into it and what is...is just what is
Just continue taking one day at a time
and remember you are a person
worthy of love and happiness!
No-one who achieves success does so without the help of others.
The wise and confident acknowledge this help with gratitude.
Alfred North Whitehead.
Abnormally normal
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Los Angeles, Ca.
Posts: 306
That's why I love this sight.
I can pour my heart out which puts everything into perspective.
Reading my post, I realized I must have been having a brain fart!
Lol...
I guess I was just feeling all these feelings and thoughts were racing through mind and I just needed to vent.
But thats what this site is for, right?
I fell asleep on the couch last night. I hadn't realized I dozed off. He came home at 630 this morning from work and he woke me up and walked me to the bed. I stayed up and we talked about his day (night) at work and other things. Joked around a little, then I noticed him getting sleepy. He turned onto his stomach and I rubbed his head and his and back until he fell asleep.
I stayed just watching him...and started to tear up.
I am lucky...
I love this man and he loves me.
And I have been giving another chance to make things right and to have my family back.
We have a long road ahead of us, as we are in no way healed. But like sobriety...I'm just gonna take it day by day. No need to read into every little thing.
That must have been the drama queen in me!
I'm so used to living w/ drama that peace and normalcy freaked me out!
Anyway...again,
To all of you who read, thank you for taking the time.
You guys are my Soup for the Recovering Soul!
I can pour my heart out which puts everything into perspective.
Reading my post, I realized I must have been having a brain fart!
Lol...
I guess I was just feeling all these feelings and thoughts were racing through mind and I just needed to vent.
But thats what this site is for, right?
I fell asleep on the couch last night. I hadn't realized I dozed off. He came home at 630 this morning from work and he woke me up and walked me to the bed. I stayed up and we talked about his day (night) at work and other things. Joked around a little, then I noticed him getting sleepy. He turned onto his stomach and I rubbed his head and his and back until he fell asleep.
I stayed just watching him...and started to tear up.
I am lucky...
I love this man and he loves me.
And I have been giving another chance to make things right and to have my family back.
We have a long road ahead of us, as we are in no way healed. But like sobriety...I'm just gonna take it day by day. No need to read into every little thing.
That must have been the drama queen in me!
I'm so used to living w/ drama that peace and normalcy freaked me out!
Anyway...again,
To all of you who read, thank you for taking the time.
You guys are my Soup for the Recovering Soul!
31/10/10
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 241
Hi Simply -
your second post is soo sweet. aaah!
Regarding your first - it sounds like you had one of those "I'd never want to join a club that would take me" moments... He loves you, and that doesn't automatically mean that you're weird!
take care
v
your second post is soo sweet. aaah!
Regarding your first - it sounds like you had one of those "I'd never want to join a club that would take me" moments... He loves you, and that doesn't automatically mean that you're weird!
take care
v
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
You guys are my Soup for the Recovering Soul!
I'm glad he's sticking with you and that you have a chance to make it better than ever. All my best to you on this journey, both in recovery and in your relationship.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
You won't fix it all at once, your answers will come in time...
Some relationships survive addiction and recovery, some don't. You will know soon enough about your own, but somehow, from your post, I have a good feeling about yours...
You love each other... Now go get recovered and have the relationship that's meant to be!!
Some relationships survive addiction and recovery, some don't. You will know soon enough about your own, but somehow, from your post, I have a good feeling about yours...
You love each other... Now go get recovered and have the relationship that's meant to be!!
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
I was in a similar situation. My fiancee and I have been together for 7.5 years (but we have no kids). When I was arrested last March, she told me, and I was sure, that it was the end. She wanted me out of the house and out of her life. I had caused her too much pain.
But then I stopped drinking. I started doing some of the things I was supposed to do. I began to make better decisions. And I'm still learning how to do all of those things. But she stayed. She stayed because she loves me, and she always loved me, and she just wanted me to stop making bad decisions and to be the stable person she could depend on.
I could question what kind of person would stay through all that turmoil, but I guess the answer, at least in my case, would be: A person who loves me very very much.
I'm so thankful that she stuck through the worst of times. Now I feel I owe her so much, and I'm working to be the best person I can be for her and for the family I want us to have.
But then I stopped drinking. I started doing some of the things I was supposed to do. I began to make better decisions. And I'm still learning how to do all of those things. But she stayed. She stayed because she loves me, and she always loved me, and she just wanted me to stop making bad decisions and to be the stable person she could depend on.
I could question what kind of person would stay through all that turmoil, but I guess the answer, at least in my case, would be: A person who loves me very very much.
I'm so thankful that she stuck through the worst of times. Now I feel I owe her so much, and I'm working to be the best person I can be for her and for the family I want us to have.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Maybe he sees you for what we alkies really are, sick people trying to get better.
We aren't bad people doing bad things. What happened when we were actively drinking were things we did, not who we are.
This alcoholic can "overthink" any situation.
Take it one day at a time, and enjoy the journey.
We aren't bad people doing bad things. What happened when we were actively drinking were things we did, not who we are.
This alcoholic can "overthink" any situation.
Take it one day at a time, and enjoy the journey.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Hi simply! I thought I was the Queen of Overthinking/Second Guessing - but you win. I had a similar situation, too - we were newly engaged when I acted up big time & our lives were put on hold. After I started my recovery everything fell into place & we got married. It's been just fine - but I do understand your concern. Try to relax and appreciate your wonderful new beginning.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Tampa
Posts: 178
I'll tell you one thing that will help, right away... Let the past go. Create a future where there are no longer excuses like drinking, etc.
Don't overthink things and don't make plans that cause stress. Just enjoy each other. Adjust to the new you, free of ball and chain (alcohol) and lighten way up on yourself. You're free of the gorilla on your back. You can breath now. Anything you set your mind to, you can accomplish. Fuel yourself with that and stop worrying.
It always comes down to "what will be, will be." Stay positive and be happy. That's going to keep him around a lot longer than the needy, sad, addicted, victim.
No matter what life brings, you can make it. If you can beat booze, you can do anything.
Don't overthink things and don't make plans that cause stress. Just enjoy each other. Adjust to the new you, free of ball and chain (alcohol) and lighten way up on yourself. You're free of the gorilla on your back. You can breath now. Anything you set your mind to, you can accomplish. Fuel yourself with that and stop worrying.
It always comes down to "what will be, will be." Stay positive and be happy. That's going to keep him around a lot longer than the needy, sad, addicted, victim.
No matter what life brings, you can make it. If you can beat booze, you can do anything.
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