KerBearz

On Saturday, I told my AH that he had to leave and he calmly and quietly said okay. He's still here - he's still drinking and now I'm going to have to figure out how to get him out of here. This is so hard! I guess that I knew he wouldn't just go because I asked him to. It would be easier if I could just move out, but I shouldn't have to uproot the kids and the dog just so he can sit here on his arse and drink all day!

cb12

I have had a similar experience: When she kicked my A dad out, she packed his bags for him while he was passed out-- when he woke up she asked him to leave. He did.

Most painful day of my life, but necessary. When he left he didn't say anything.

cb12

I also meant to say that as a teen in this situation, it would have been a lot harder (emotionally) if my mom picked up and left with the kids. Having your dad kicked out is hard enough, I feel that moving us kids would have been even harder.

stella27

could you pack him up next time he leaves and change the locks?
Don't uproot your kids unless you have to.
I'm sorry.

zrx1200R

Generally speaking, no. Unless you get a court order barring one spouse from a home, you can't force one to leave. It's his house too. Now, if he provides the catalyst, like breaking stuff and threatening or beating, the police can haul him off. That's about it.

I like the pack up his bags when he's drunk idea. Might work. Pack them up, load them in the car, and send him on his way. See what happens. I packed up my kids and left for a week a few years ago. And it helped the AW straighten out her act. For a while.

lillamy

If he doesn't go on his own, consult a lawyer. Laws are different from state to state; in my state, I can walk into the court house 24 hours a day and get a temporary restraining order (that would of course require "domestic abuse" -- but verbal and emotional abuse counts, in my state) that could give me 20 days' right to have him out of the house before I would have to have a hearing in front of a judge.

But things are different in every state, and I would hate for you to do something that comes back to bite you later. (((hugs)))

Phoenixthebird

KerBearz, your sitution reminds of the movers up at Ft. Meade, MD. They were ready to move the master bed. The thing was my AH was passed out in the bed. The movers carried the mattress, with my AH still on the bed, down to first floor. By this time they reached the first floor he had woken up.

theuncertainty

O_M_G, Phoenix. I can't help but laugh. Sorry, but omg. I'm really surprised the movers did that! I hope they got a good tip.

Kerbearz, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Wishing you strength and peace.

Cyranoak

I read this reasoning a lot. The whole, "it would be harder on the kids thing." In my view, barring some kind of life-threatening factors which change everything (life threating for the children or spouse, not the alcoholic), what is best is to remove the kids from daily contact with the alcoholic.

While I agree doing what is best for the kids should be the goal, when it's not possible to get the alcoholic to move it's not possible, so then you accept this thing you cannot change, and you gather the courage to change the things you can, and you move.

Take what you want and leave the rest.

Cyranoak

Thumper

Talk to a lawyer.

In my state you can go before a judge (well my lawyer - I didn't go to court once myself) and ask for temporary possession of the marital home (and temporary custody and child support) That means that the spouse must leave. If they don't go on their own, they will be escorted. It was part of the initial filing for divorce. I could have withdrawn it all at any time. It also doesn't really have any bearing on what the final divorce agreement would be (still split the house or have different custody arrangement) but it gives you and the kids a place to live and keeps their stability.

I sure wish I'd have just followed through on that. I would have saved myself a few months of misery.

Kassie2

Sorry you are in this situation. It is very hard to get an A to move out on his/her own. Mine was often threatening to leave, told me he had found places, told me he had changed his address with the post office etc.

I sought legal help where I live and learned that once you invite someone to stay under your roof - married or not - you cannot legally have them remove. If there is physical abuse - a restraining order will get him out temporarily - but not permanently as it is still considered his residence. (And as an aside, I learned first hand that where I live - one cannot lock another out of any rooms.)

It was the police that suggested (after a couple visits) that he had a problem. (no kidding) They suggested that I find a way to move him out. (again, no kidding) I told them that he threatened to leave often but did not and that this time I was asking. They just told me to keep working on it.

I did a couple of things similiar to other posts: I asked, I gave him a date, I detached and withdrew from him physically and emotionally, I started packing his things, asked him everyday (in the a.m.) if he had found a place and asked if would like help looking. I did my best to stay calm and polite but did nothing with him and did not talk to him.

Before leaving he tried more threats, name calling, and was just mean. Then he tried all sweetness, wine and roses stuff. And the final kicker (this was very hard) Took me and my kids to dinner to apologize sincerely, to tell me how he felt genuinely (all positive) and promised to stop drinking, get help and turn things around.

I wanted to cave but remembered all the other promises to stop and get help that either didn't happen or he stopped attending early on. My thinking was that myself and family needed the space and peace - and thought hopefully having his own space he would see his problem and step up on his own. It happened that way but didn't last.

Find support and practice detachment. My kids BTW refused to leave our home and said they would just go out when they needed to. It is what gave me the strength to stand my ground for my home.