chloe78

Im on here all the time reading posts and so many of you have helped me without even knowing it, so thank you.

My story is the same as most of you. My husband is an addict and life with him has not been easy, to say the least. Almost a year ago I asked him to move out. Although he has been living at his mothers, we still “pretended” to be a family for the kids for a long time after that. Throughout this time, his addiction had progressed. And I finally lost all hope. Now I am done. Done pretending. I don’t want to fight anymore. I don’t want to hear his lies anymore. I don’t want to hear his sorry excuses anymore. I don’t even want to see or speak with him... but we must because of the kids, bills, life, etc. My heart is broken and I will never forgive this man or ever be a family with him again, and I have ACCEPTED that I have no control over him. He is in my life because we have two small children. And the truth is, I need his help financially. I bite my tongue, when I want to scream at him, just to keep the peace. I am nice when he is not. And I am trying to take care of me.

Although I am done “calling him out” on his lies and fighting with him, I CAN NOT STOP the craziness by continuing to check up on him. He is still my addiction. How did some of you LET GO? And REALLY let go? I have two wonderful children, caring friends and family, I love to read, write, play on the computer, have PLENTY to do with my time... but at night I find myself alone and lonely and still poking through his life like I have nothing better to do. My heart is broken and I am grieving for a man and life I once had. I am torturing myself and I can’t stop. Why do I care? This is just so hard. My friends and family don’t understand me and neither do I. Some days I feel so strong and empowered, but then night comes and I am consumed with him and what he is doing and feeling so sorry for myself.

Alexis0000

I've been through this. I'm still going through this. (although my man can't even give financial support) The only thing that works is completely blocking him out of your life. You don't need him and the drugs to be around you and your kids, go to court and get child support if you need it. Don't let him ruin you. you seem like a passionate person and this is going to drain you of everything good in your life. I'm probably a hypocrite because i havn't yet been able to take that step, but i know it's what i need to do as well.

tam

chloe78, I am in the same situation, 1 year seperated now from AH. I understand what your going through. I often get sad about it and I
get angry and often think about him. I would think this is completely normal
feelings in seperation whether to addiction or anything else.
I also am scared about the future without him. I never never thought this
would happen but it did. then I think Im crazy to think I still have feelings for him, but I do, we were married a long time and I dont think it will be a short time to recover from this.
what choice do we have but to try to move on? its going to take time to heal, its going to take time to get over this. My therapist last week told me that what I feel is completely normal and that it takes time to recover.
I just recently joined a support group for seperated/divorce/widow people
and hearing their stories about surviving seperation or divorce is helpful.

I wish there was an easy fix, but there isnt. we just have to keep going chloe78 and hope that someday we find peace and happiness once we get past the obstacles.

Chino

My qualifier is my 23 year old recovering daughter. Though not a spouse or significant other, the method remains the same for both addict and enabler: find something else to occupy your time and mind.

When I was checking cell phone records, I made myself step away from the computer, come here, crank up some music, pray, find a meeting, call my therapist, plan an outing or trip, clean something... you get the drift. I said NO to myself out loud. Sometimes I looked in the mirror and said NO. I did whatever I had to do to break the habit and continue breaking it.

The more I did it, the easier it became

NYCDoglvr

I found that letting go is a process ... it takes time.

chloe78

Thanks everyone... I just don't know what's wrong with me. I KNOW i need to stop and i do have PLENTY of things to occupy my time, but i just can't seem to do them. I have lost all interest in myself and what i liked to do... maybe because the last 6 years of my life has revolved around him and his drug use. Now i am alone late at night - and although it's peaceful - i am lonely and bored and sad and he is on my mind ALL THE TIME. I don't know why because I definitely don't miss our life together, but i do miss the OLD him. And I miss the OLD me... the happy one that had interests other than him.

And yes Cynical One that is a great idea... and i research classes all time, i just can't afford it right now. The future is very scary right now so I am hoarding away any money i get. I only work part-time at night but i am looking for more hours and a day job as well... and i am staying positive that something will come up soon.

I am waiting for that one night I am ready for bed and I think to myself "wow i haven't thought of him all day!" Hoping that day happens soon.

tam

how long have you been seperated? I know for me after our seperation I felt the same way, had no interest in things, obsessing over him and feeling lonely, panicking and scared about my future.
Its been a year now, I would be lying to say I dont think of him daily because I do. I think that is normal..however, I am doing things for myself more now than a year ago (like exercising,going out,doing things around the house) and
I still feel lonely, sometimes overwhelming lonely, sometimes I dont feel lonely at all..so I think it takes time to get over a seperation. when your with someone for any length of time and your used to doing things with them then your not, it is difficult to entertain yourself,keep yourself busy. I feel what your going through, I truly do.Try not to be too hard on yourself chloe78, I know its not easy but we have to give it time.
as far as going to school, I often thought of that as well, but my budget is tight as well and not knowing the future I have to watch my money each week, but there are things you can do for little to no cost.
I go to the movies (bring own candy/water,lol) exercise, do some chores,read, play computer games , my favorite is going for a drive and listen to music and come on the forum!
hang in there, we are all here for ya

splendra

I was able to let go when I realized my sanity was hanging by a thread and there was nothing,nothing, nothing in this word I could do to make any of the addicts in my life stop doing what they were doing. No more fantasizing about how things were or how I wish they were in other words I had to accept reality and resolve myself thru meditation and prayer to create a better reality for myself.

Meditation is fun and very relaxing there are numberous site on line that you can learn for free here is a good link I like to look at from time to time:

weblife.org - beginning to see

Lunaaa

Chloe i'm sorry for your pain. I'm in the same sitiuation,even though i broke up with my ab,i still cant let go,i keep obsessing about him.sometimes i cant resist answering his calls despite the pain he caused and is still causing me. I've taken a different road and done all i could to stay apart from him,i dont want him back but i cant let go either .i go through alot of ups and downs,bad mood days among good ones,i think we just have to live with it,keep working on our recovery until someday we can cross to the other side of all this.