theuncertainty

that I need to take a lot of time to learn how to identify and name my emotions. (Or I need to put down the self-help books a little more often. Kidding. Maybe...)

I've been working through a trauma survivors workbook and had just got to an exercise on identifying emotions and keeping a journal of feelings and thoughts every couple hours. I did it for a day and then set it aside. (woo hoo, right, one whole day....)

It came up in a thread here, at SR.

I picked back up the book 'Joint Custody With A Jerk' which I'd bought when my lawyer said to expect that XAH would get 50-50 custody. Today I actually opened it and got to a section titled 'Identifying and Claiming Your Feelings'. It discusses how people tend to generalize their feelings into one of 4 main categories, anger, happiness, depression and fear. This generalization then masks the subtler feelings.

I'm quite certain that if I decide to put this book down and pick back up another one, the same message will be waiting for me.....

Just thought I'd share.

JenT1968

I had a lot of problams identifying what I was feeling: anger was pretty hard to miss so I was fine on that one, but I'd spent so long squashing all the others down it was difficult for me to recognise what I was feeling. and working out what you want out of life, and pursuing it, is difficult if you don't know how you feel about things.

It has got better, just with time and a bit of practice. Don't be so hard on yourself for not complying with writing dow your feelings every couple of hours or so: that IS hard, to remember to do, to take time, life hasn't stopped for you, so perhaps do it when you can, and congratulate yourself for anything you do get written down rather than castigating yourself for not doing it.

FindingPeace1

hear, hear JenT! Its worth saying again: congratulate yourself for anything you do get written down rather than castigating yourself for not doing it.

On another note, I have gotten a lot of benefit from free 10 day vipassana retreats. It is a meditation style where you just observe what you are feeling (physically to start), and that attention, I think, allows for a deeper link to YOU.
It has helped me be aware of my emotional feelings because they manifest physically (I had heard that before the retreat, but not really experienced it). Stress? I'll feel it in my back. Anger? I'll feel it in my jaw. Sadness occurs as an ache in my heart. (Literally) From there I can start to explore what exactly that feeling is and what it is linked to.

Take what you like and leave the rest

peace

lillamy

just giggling at the title -- I guess I'll have to check that out...

And for the main point of your post -- I've had that experience, too: HP tends to not get subtle when there's a point HP needs to get across to you...

CatsPajamas

When I first got into recovery I only had 2 feelings that I was able to acknowledge- happiness and fear. It took me awhile to realize I had a lot of work to do ... my counselor and al anon friends helped me with some basic concepts.

First, feelings are just feelings and not facts. Wow. I had to chew on that one for awhile to really "get" it. Just because I had a feeling didn't mean I had to do something about it. I could just feel the feeling and let it pass.

and second, my angel sponsor used to tell me "Don't just do something, SIT there." She was reminding me to sit with my feelings and really feel them, instead of just stuffing them or ignoring them.

2 really powerful lessons that I still remember after many years.

And as to your original point about how your HP puts things in front of you? I'm nodding yep yep YEP. Mine is not the least bit subtle about showing me the things I need to learn. (note to self: Don't ask HP to teach you patience because you'll get all sorts of opportunities to practice. )

PS: "Mom's House Dad's House" was a really great book on Joint custody back when I needed it. OBVIOUSLY the Joint Custody with a Jerk hadn't been written yet or I would have snatched it up immediately.

Phoenixthebird

theuncertainty, I found some interesting thoughts about expressing difficult feelings on Larry Alan Nadig, Ph.D., Clinical Psychologist, and Marriage and Family Therapist. How to Express Difficult Feelings The website provides guidelines and techniques for expressing feelings. "I feel" statements and "I" messages will help express feelings productively.

I have found out that as a codependent, I quite often do not express my feelings at all, instead I'm expressing a belief or judgment. Quite often I send a disguised "You" message, only express negative feelings, and use nonverbal body language contradicting my words. For example, smiling when actually irritated.

Phoenix
********

Learn2Live

This is a good thread.

Thumper

Identifying and expressing feelings is really hard for me too. I have work to do in that area.

Phoenix, your post reminded me of one of the sessions with the counselor and my 10yo. She had him draw a smiley face like that for several different emotions that she listed. A lot of the smiley faces he drew had the very same expression. Not angry, not totally sad..nothing really odvious.

She had a number of ways for him to express his feelings to me. It was enlightening because he was not able to identify (or express to me) things he was upset about or angry with. He was not OK with saying he was mad at me for something. I think he often just did not acknowledge that feeling in himself. Those things come out one way or another. He was fighting (really fighting - tons of teasing and actual hitting) with his brother constantly - over nothing. Seeing it like that in him made me realize that I needed to do the same work because the feelings are coming out of me in some fashion as well - in ways that are inappropriate and dysfunctional.

It was also a wake up call for me to be a different kind of parent. More focused. The counselor explained that my job was not to protect him from those feelings but to help him identify them, to understand him, to absorb that feeling from him, and that this would help him feel more secure and able to have feelings. I'm not explaining it very well but it really opened my eyes to how focused I was on myself and my husband that last year, instead of my kids. Not physical focus (all my non-working hours were spent with my kids as well as a lot of mental energy on how I should parent) but my emotional focus.

theuncertainty

Yep, I think the title was the reason I picked it up at the used bookstore.

Phoenix, thanks. Now that you've shared the faces, I think I remember some one here at SR saying they'd bought a little 'calendar' with a 'today I feel' and different 'smilies' to put there. And I remember saying I need one of those.

Wow, the message goes even further back. No wonder my HP is putting it every where for me to see.

I have to go make lunch for DS and get him up for school now, but will read everything in much more detail in a bit.

Learn2Live

I think I'm either happy or miserable, no in-between. But honestly, I don't remember how I feel from day to day. I think it depends on my mood, which is probably unpredictable but I really am not sure. Something could happen and I can go straight from happy and laughing to straight fear like ice through my blood and then watch out! Pure pitbull. And once I get in that anger, I'm stuck. But this is always in reaction to something someone did and I'm pretty sure the reaction is out of proportion to the threat.

I have literally made grown men cry, afraid, and run away from this. I don't want to keep being like this but don't know where to start. My BF is smarter than this and when I have "gone here" it doesn't seem to phase him. It's kinda funny when I think about it cause he either just ignores it or somehow distracts me from it. Sorry if I've hijacked anything uncertainty, I hope not. Thank you for sharing and allowing me to think thru this and share out loud.

Phoenixthebird

"I think I'm either happy or miserable, no in-between. But honestly, I don't remember how I feel from day to day."

This is where daily journaling comes in handy!
*******************************

coyote21

I just shared this week at my meeting about how back when I'd just gotten to Al-Anon I came with TWO emotions/feelings only, fear and anger. Which BTW are considered primary and secondary to each other.

I mentioned how early on I'd seen one of those office cubicle deals like Pheonixes example with all the "I feel _____ today" emotions pictured in cartoon form. I remember thinking damn, I don't have ANY of those.

Eventually, I "melted" and I can remember it like yesterday, when all my "range" returned.

I can also relate to HP putting things right in my face repeatedly till I "get it". My HP knows I don't do "subtle", it's kind of wasted on me. Kind of a "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear", thing for me.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

theuncertainty

Thank you so much for mentioning vipassana, FindingPeace! I googled it to get more info and to see if there were any retreats nearby. So far, nothing closer than 2000 miles.... But the search did turn up a meetup group that met every Tuesday evening for a while - maybe they still do and just haven't updated the meetup page... The search also pulled up quite a few other local meditation, Zen, Buddhism links. I have a very strong habit of just reading, reading, reading on subjects, which is not always the way to learn something, so finding a group to help would be excellent.

theuncertainty

Oh, wow. That makes complete sense that they're related to each other. When I started telling XAH that I was going to leave, I told him "I'm tired of being angry." Recently, when thinking back over the last few years, I couldn't understand why I said "angry" when I think I meant afraid - or at least a combination of the 2. (And then I felt guilty that I didn't express myself clearly enough, again.....)

coyote21

I still don't quite understand about the whole primary, secondary emotions thing. But I do know, my natural/knee jerk response to "fear", is "anger".

IOW, if you for example, hurt my feelings, my response to the "fear" that you don't like or respect me, would be to get angry. I'm much more comfortable "feeling" anger, rather than fear. Which I believe, we men, might be more socialized to, IDK. Although LMC is the same way. Hope I didn't teach her that. Probably.

I'm still trying to stop the "knee jerk" part right now. One of the ways is to, like Cats said earlier, (maybe another thread?) "Don't just do something, sit there". It's about responding rather that reacting. It's hard.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

theuncertainty

L2L, nope. Not a hijack at all. Though I have to admit, I completely missed everything but this:

the first time through and my first thought was "I wish could do that."

This however is pretty much OT: It actually reminds me of a story with my mom, who is a little tiny lady under 5' tall. Our 6'5", muscle-y, PE teacher / coach in Jr. high treated my little sister in an incredibly rude manner, I believe related to our heritage, but I don't really recall. I just remember that they were mid-court and when she was done 'discussing' the problem with him, she walked back and stood with us at the sidelines. He walked over to us all hang-dog and embarrassed and we all got an apology from him. She rocks. I don't tell her that enough.


While trying to describe how I feel, it is pretty much one of the 4 main categories, and until very recently it was never ‘Happy’. I have to have one of those books and their list of emotions with me to even try to narrow it down. It’s like I lost a whole section of my vocabulary.

I can see that my reaction to fear ends up being anger, too. But I’m definitely not comfortable expressing that anger most of the time. I seem to end up crying when ever I’m angry. Which makes me madder, which makes me cry more… It’s been ‘easier’ lately being angry very little crying directly related to the anger. Maybe it’s because it’s safer now to actually be angry.

theuncertainty

I understand. Completely. And you (again) worded just the way I need to be able to discuss it with my counselor and DS's. Thanks!

skippernlilg

So you're saying that your reaction to fear is anger. I think it's considered "Fight or Flight" basic instinctual response common to all animals, such as us humans. Your first instinct is to fight when you sense fear.

Sadness and depression would more describe the 'flight' aspect of it.

I'm getting back my range, and it feels so much more natural. I am allowing more than just fear into my life, so I can feel that range. The emotional range is something I had forgotten. :day6