inconsolable

So I am very nervous today my husband will be coming to see our children for the first time since he left Saturday. I am still holding my ground most of the time and thankfully the times I started to slip he wasnt around. I am very furious because he has yet to call my children or see them. I let them call him and he talks maybe 3 mins total to all 3 children. He is coming today because last night our oldest called him bawling asking him to come see him. He left Saturday when I started asking about how many of his loratab rx he had left. He will not talk to me just says he needs time to think the problem is I havent even been able to tell him he cant come back without rehab. Changed my locks on Sunday so if he notices that Im sure it will be real fun. One minute Im furious with him and the next Im crying my eyes out because I miss him or rather I miss who he was. His mom called turns out when he hit the wall Saturday (because I asked about his rx) he broke his hand so the er gave him a rx for more loratab. Ugh. Been thinking maybe I should let his dr know he has this problem. He is my dr too (not for pain pills just regular family dr) and I need to schedule an appt anyway so I thought if I brought it up then I could inform him and also be covered under dr patient priviledges so he cant tell him I told him. Or maybe I should tell my husband I am going to tell the dr. Im so confused right now. My husband wants me to pay his cell phone bill and pay me back on Monday, for one I doubt he would pay me back and for 2 wouldnt this be more enabling?

sofacat

He won't talk to you, yet he wants you to pay his cell phone bill?
Hmph!

If he had enough money to get his scripts, he had enough money to pay his cell phone bill.
When they need their DOC they are very resourceful on how to pay for them, but when it comes to bills...suddenly you become their personal ATM.

I used to do the same thing. In the end, I was financing his addiction.

Do you have boundaries in place for yourself?

ie:
"I will not have someone under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol in my home or around my children."
"I will not lend money to or pay the bills for an addict."
"I will not meddle in the affairs of an addict. This includes contacting anyone in regards to their addiction." <-- doctor included.

Boundaries for yourself will help you stay focused on what you will no longer tolerate in your life. And will help you define the life in which you want to live.

NTurn

Stay strong for you and your kids! I know it may be difficult not to scream & shout or cry but try and stay strong. Let him see the kids then let him leave for your own sanity & if he wants to have a civil talk about things all the better. Not sure whether you will have space away from the kids to do that. Seems he needs the space as much as you do if he needs time to think about things. I would be feeling the same as you about giving him money.

NTurn

I agree with sofacat on this one..I set boundaries with regards to my sister, stuck by them, I have to for my own health & sanity, it helps get control back into your own life..does not mean you dont care

Kindeyes

It sounds like you are in the struggle and confusion that comes with loving an addict. The dance of addiction caused me to be all over the map like that.....hopscotching between emotions. And it went on like that until I had enough. And it took a long long time for me to finally have enough.....many years. That's when I started working the steps and working to control what I could control.....me and my emotions.

As long as our emotions are controlled by the addict, we are as sick as they are.

And children add to the mix. Because they often control our emotions too. Or at least mine did.

I wish I knew then what I am beginning to understand now. The addict tries to control us, we try to control them, and the power struggle that ensues doesn't do anything but tumble the two people down the vortex.

It took me several tries with Alanon or Naranon before I finally "got it". If you aren't already voraciously reading about addiction and recovery, give it some thought. If you haven't already searched out a meeting, it would also be worthy of consideration. It was in those rooms and through all of that reading (and here on SR) that I finally started to get a handle on myself and my emotions. And I'm getting better at it and stronger every single day.

I am sharing this because I can't tell you what to do.....but I will share what is working for me.

Loving an addict is not for weenies. It's really hard. I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.

gentle hugs

tam

its normal to feel nervous as its a very emotional time for you. I remember my emotions were all over the board as well and seeing/talking to them just brought them up more and more, and still does but not as intense.
I dont have children but I can only imagine it adds more difficulty for you with
your husband.
continue with support and continue learning boundaries and coping skills.
btw..talking to his drs. probaly wont do a darn thing, been there done that..as a matter of fact my AH drs.have personally told me he is addicted,yet he is still prescribed them, person is in pain they get meds.bottom line.
it takes time to let go and step away ,your going to go through the exact motions many of us have gone through, you will get there just keep educating yourself.
try to stay calm,know that isnt easy,but in time you will adjust and heal and the emotions will be more stable, the beginning is the hardest.
hugs

inconsolable

Thank you everyone. I am trying to figure out which boundaries to set. I have decided whether he knows it or not that he must go to rehab before he can live here. For the past couple of days in the evenings I have asked my kids if they want to call him and when they say yes let them call. I think from now on I will wait for them to ask and then let them or if he calls give them the choice (however he has yet to call them) I think the worst is that he seems to not care about the kids at all. Im sure this is part of addiction but it is very difficult to wrap my brain around this. I. do have a question about the dr though this dr is also a suboxone dr so according to him the feds keep a very close look on his practice and because of this he is very strict. He drug tests him every month but my husband knows this and makes sure his system is clean of any extra drugs before his appt. But the dr said from the beginning he can at anytime call him in for a urine test or pill count even though so far he never has. I hadnt even thought about me telling him going against boundaries in fact I think I watch too much intervention my thought was the dr would do what he could to verify and if he did and cut him off this would make it more difficult for my husband to get pills and as a result either force him to think about rehab or land him in jail when he no longer has such an easy way to get some of his pills. But your right maybe thats not my problem but his. Can anyone recommend a good place to get information on setting boundaries? Thanks

outtolunch

We codependents have a tendency to confuse boundaries with attempts to control other people's behaviors and outcomes.

The decision to not live with someone in active addiction is a boundary. Not allowing your husband to return home until he has been to rehab is an attempt to control him and the outcome. Do you see the difference?

As addiction progresses and tolerance builds, pain pill addicts often resort to self injury and are no strangers to ER Rooms. These are not behaviors of someone who wants recovery. This is what addicts do.

Rehab is not the magic bullet. At best, it will teach a highly motivated patient the basic tools of recovery. It's up to the patient to use those tools. It very common for addicts to say rehab does not work when they refuse to work it. It takes a huge commitment and change of lifestyle.

Your children are the real victims. It's common for children to blame themselves when a parent goes off the deep end. I would be far more focused on making sure the kids get, really get, that they did not cause this, than I would be about what your husband does or not. You have no control over him. How their dad behaves is not a reflection of their self worth. Bring in professionals, if necessary.

Your husband is not doing this to you or the kids. It's not personal. It just feels that way.

As far as funding that cell phone.....how silly is this. Just don't see how this is your problem.