Easystreet

I have been living a double (secret) life for the past 7 months and I am
completely disgusted with myself. I had a year of sobriety up until 7 months ago. I decided to divorce my wife during this year of sobriety for the right reasons. We both agreed it was the right thing to do. I let her stay in the house with our kids and moved into apartment. Once I moved out, I stopped going to meetings and hanging around sober people and guess what ******* happened. Of course my disease told me it was alright to have a few drinks and the next thing I know I am smoking crack and doing heroin in the run down parts of the city. It last for about 12 hours of complete destruction, then I come back to my apartment almost dead and swear to God I will never do it again. I drag myself into work the next day and act as if nothing happened. My ex Wife and sober friends do not even know what I have been doing, I feel like a failure and a liar. This last crack binge was extremely dangerous and scared the living **** out of me. I just wanted to get this out. I am going to do 90 in 90 this time and get sponsor. I have sober friends and will tell them what I have been doing. Secrets kill and this one has been killing me. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest!!

Anna

Hi and Welcome!

I'm glad you are taking action to get back on track.

trish8850

What you're doing is just awesome!!!!!!!! Get back into AA. It saves so many lives and you know this! Please stop beating yourself up. You are a good person. You are an alcoholic and we do things to our lives that normal people don't. You weren't living in recovery, you were living the life as an active alcoholic. It's dark and ugly on the drinking and using side for us, yet because of our disease we will still choose to go there. God intervened before you lost everything.........at least this time. Please recognize that. Hang in there. You can do this. Stay plugged into the program and embrace each sober minute!!!!!!!!!!! Keep us posted!

Snarf

Easystreet, I think when you're living alone and there aren't other eyes on you, it can sometimes be difficult to walk the right path. There's no one for us to be accountable to, so it can sometimes be difficult to do the little things, like going to meetings. We can also drink or drug or whatever and there's no one at home to "bust" us for it. I hope you're able to get back into the swing of things and surround yourself with loving people who can help you battle this affliction.

Thanks for joining us here. This site has been invaluable to me in my fight against my alcoholism. So many wonderful people here with tons of wisdom and love to share with you. I know I feel less connected from my recovery, and indeed from myself, when I take a few days off from visiting SR.com. Please keep us updated on your recovery and I hope you enjoy a lovely, sober evening.

Dee74

Good to have you with us Easystreet - you're making a good decision

D

least

Welcome to the family! You'll find a lot of support here.

Triskal

Easystreet thanks for sharing, the 90 in 90 sounds like a good plan, i also might do that too

newby1961

There is always hope as long as we are still breathing. Congrats on being honest with yourself as well as us, that is a great 1st step. They say in mtg's we're as sick as our secrets. I went through many years of relapsing, and although now that I am in AA and I have some time, it wasn't always that way. I was attending NA and I too started using again, I tried to live both lives, well it lead to a 3 year relapse, and it was something out of a horror show. I had so much shame & guilt and that almost killed me. In the rooms people told me, "the shame isn't in relapsing, the shame is in not coming back." (NA book) Please before anyone gets freaked out I know this is AA i'm just saying, no disrespect. So welcome home and instead of Keep coming back, I say, just stay!:

MsCooterBrown

We are pulling for you easy street!!!

Zebra1275

Welcome. I think the 90 in 90 is a great plan. As someone already mentioned, when you live alone there is no one to hold you accoutable. 90 in 90 and a sponsor will help with that.

CarolD

Welcome.....

When I returned to drinking...it never occured to me to
use anything but alcohol.

Have you considered an addiction counselor
along with your meetings?
Or perhaps NA as well as AA.

hope you find your way soon...

Kmber2010

Easy - Welcome back and know we are here to support.

Glad to see you have a plan and are getting back on track. Whatever is going on in your life you can get into recovery and live a positive healthy life.

Looking forward to the journey.

DayTrader

Good goin' Easy. Well, not on the relapse ( ) but on gettin honest and on taking the action to rectify things.

For the ppl I know in the program who've dealt with relapse, one good thing to come from it is the solidification of step 1 - powerlessness over alcohol (drunk and sober) and the unmanageability of life. The bad news is, you relapsed. The good news is, you relapsed and now have some new knowledge. Obviously, the key is to now apply that knowledge - which it sounds like you're planning to do.

Personally, I'm not a huge fan of the 90-in-90 deal. If meetings keep you sober than go for it though. I AM a big fan of the "get a sponsor" plan so long as it's coupled with "read the book, understand the program, and work it in my daily affairs." For me, that's where the real healing comes from....the working/living of the program. Do that and the drinking problem will just disappear. HP just takes it away.

Focusing on "my drinking problem" never really led me to freedom from it.... Focusing on my alcoholism and addressing my life with the steps is what got me the freedom, peace and serenity I'd been looking for.......and I didn't have a drinking problem anymore as a byproduct.

Best of luck to you. If you decide to go the AA route, hop in on some of the 12-Step Support threads or please start some of your own. There are some really wise 12-Step folks around here with many years of experience who'd be more than happy to help you any way they can.

papaeagle

I have almost 14 years and one of the things I found helpful in my sobriety, besides having a sponsor and going to meetings is seeking outside help.

True some may have had bad experiences with psychiatrists and psychologists but for me it's been a lifesaver.

Easystreet

Thanks for the advice and opinions everybody. I almost feel human today! It is great to know there are a lot of people who have gone through the same stuff. I need to try something different because cold turkey without any support has not helped me in past.
I would like to think I can handle this on my own, but obviously I can't. Going to meeting.

CarolD

Good plan....

trish8850

How you doin? Hangin in there?

Zebra1275

Good for you for going to a meeting. How was it?

Easystreet

It is amazing how much the body and mind can heal in 4 days. Met up with AA buddy for breakfast, hit meetings, and started working out again.
I have spent my entire 18 years of adulthood as a alcoholic and drug addict.
I look forward to experiencing a sober life for once, it will be a new journey.
I just hope I can keep sobriety as my number one priority or all else fails for me. The adjustment to living alone sober will be challenging.

MsCooterBrown

"Easystreet, I think when you're living alone and there aren't other eyes on you, it can sometimes be difficult to walk the right path."

Snarf..I come from the other side of the street. I am divorced now. It was IMPOSSIBLE for me to get sober with my alcoholic husband. I am very accountable and happy FINALLY! This has been a whole new world for me. Plus I know alot of married hiders. I have a good friend trying to get sober. She tells me when she falls off the wagon. Goes to great lengths to hide the bottles..hubby works graves. I always think to myself that must be exhausting. Hopefully..one of these times she will learn from her relapses.

Anyway..raising my hand here ..single and ..VERY accountable!!