celticghirl

Lately i have been feeling rather low about everything to do with the toxic relationship i was in and something struck me as to why i constantly went back to him after everything he did.

I always and still do think he owes it to me to treat me right and not brake every promise he ever made and when i think about it from the first moment it went pair shaped with us,ever since then, i have been desperate for him to treat me better,hence the reason i forgave him so many times.

This worries me about myself because i still feel outraged at myself for going back to him so many times after everything,but it worries me because im afraid that it was these very feelings that have got me in this predicament in the first place.

I hope this makes sense to someone out there,im not the best at explaining my feelings and putting it into words!!

Thanks

Ghirl xx

barb dwyer

Actually, it reads to me like you've figured something pretty major out.

Once we're aware or something,
then we can take steps to change it.
We can't change what we are unaware of.

I think it's pretty cool?

catlovermi

Yeah, it's ironic: we put up with things, hoping they will change - but they never will - because we put up with them and "make them acceptable" by doing so. It's a sort of logic with a big fat hole in it.

The good news is that ultimately we are in control of this vicious cycle. When we decide things are unacceptable, then we do the things we need to do to get rid of those unacceptable things, and they are then not re-occuring.

I think often it takes moving from passive to active mode. Too often, "putting up with" stuff translates to passively doing nothing, thus accepting the status quo.

It takes energy to kick into active mode, define healthy boundaries, and then uphold them.

CLMI

celticghirl

Do you think??

I hate feeling like this because it feelslike i am not moving on,like im still stuck thinking about everything that happened and i can't really forgive myself for my part in it all.

But i suppose your right in a way its a good thing that i recognise where i went wrong but i don't know if i trust myself to follow what i know is right,because of the past.

How do i move on and trust myself again?

barb dwyer

one step at a time?



sorry couldn't resist - was momentarily possesed
by a demon and watched my hands type that.

Do you attend alanon?
or -
do you have a circle of support in your 3-d life?

sometimes when we figure something out
it may take a few times
before we canteach ourselves
"oh yeah I don't do that any more'

a group - or a circle of support
really helps in doing things differently.

ALso -
you might want to check out the reading list
up on the stckies...

and keep posting!

working things out here
is what SR is all about!

Learn2Live

"I always and still do think he owes it to me to treat me right and not brake every promise he ever made and when i think about it from the first moment it went pair shaped with us,ever since then, i have been desperate for him to treat me better,hence the reason i forgave him so many times."

I understand this, yes, because I used to think this way too. For me Recovery, and life since the time I began my Recovery, have been about becoming aware of the things I do that are harmful or unhealthy or getting me no where, and changing the thinking behind those behaviors. I learned how to do this by going to Al-Anon. I have also consulted therapists and doctors when I needed extra help.

I personally believe that I keptmgoing back to bad relationships such as you describe because I allowed others' behavior to dictate how I felt about myself, and dictate my feelings of self-worth. I HAD to go back and I HAD to continue to try to get them to treat me right, because if they didn't treat me the way I thought a man would treat a woman with worth, that meant I wasn't worth it. The "relationship" and its success really became a matter of life and death for me. I was sick.

goldengirl3

L2L - how did you overcome that? What helped you?

I feel a little better about myself but have the hardest time with that one.

theuncertainty

I don't know how to work through it. I know I have to. My counselor asked me a while back what I was like in college before I started dating XAH. After a bit she asked me what the me from then would have to tell me now. I told her that the college-age me would be highly disgusted with now-me, that she had dated and enjoyed going out, but would never have let some guy treat her the way XAH treated me. She was smart, strong and independent. My counselor and I then discussed the fact that those thoughts were mine, that I am being highly self-critical and 'down' on myself about staying with XAH.

We've been working on me stopping the negative self messaging. Acknowledge the negative thought and come up with a positive to offset it. I don't have to believe the positive thought, just fake it until I do. It's really hard. At first it was really hard to even catch the negative message, much less think of a nice one. It's getting a little easier.

I hope some of that helps. Wishing you peace and continued strength.

JenT1968

For me, in part, I felt I had invested "X" amount of time in the relationship, and that would all be wasted if I couldn't make it work, make him be the partner I wanted.

I have to forgive myself that, and everything else. I wasn't doing it on purpose, or even conciously. I try to do better now because I know better. We have reached out for help, we have taken on the advice of others who are trying to help us, even when that advice turns our world-view up-side-down, we have tried to get our heads round it and understand. We have made progress, we are moving on and examining our thoughts and motives and modus opperandi. That bears applauding I think. Because it's painful but worth it.

"To Err Is Human, To Forgive Divine"

Floss

This may sound really strange to some people, but I'm sure most of us have at least heard that we attract partners into our lives who remind us of one or both or a combination of our parents (or significant caregivers). I've also heard the reason we attract the people we do is so we can try and resolve the original wound we had with our parents. When we were children, we didn't have the 'power' to change our parents. For example, I had no power to change my father's alcoholism or stop him from leaving (abandoning). As an adult, I've attracted alcoholic men who eventually abandon me. These two relationships have lasted 6 years. (My dad left when I was 6...see the similarity?)

Letting our partners off the hook would mean, in a sense, that we're letting our parent/s get away with what they did to us. It would mean we are no longer holding them accountable for how they treated us (it's a very subconscious motivation) So, in our relationships, we try to change our partners and hold them accountable not only for the way they've treated us, but also in an attempt to resolve our original issues with our parents. So, apparantly, if we resolve our original pain, we can resolve the current pain we have with our partner/ex's. etc

I hope some of this makes sense? I don't think I worded it too well. It's getting late here...

Something to think about Celtic, Who else in your life, treated you the way your ex does/did? Who does he remind you of? Maybe it's something to work through with your counsellor if you have one. All the best Celtic and be gentle on yourself....

laurie6781

I just posted on "Bookwyrm's" thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...g-all-out.html

so won't repeat all that here.

However, I did find in those years of 'living alone' that 'thinking' got me no where and that I had to JOURNAL. Daily, sometimes many times a day, and then weekly or so go back and read what I had written.

Somehow, when I just 'think' about a problem I can get into a real TIZZY and just make myself worse, but when I physically write about it, with pen or pencil on paper, something 'magic' happens. It seems all those 'weird, crazy' thoughts turn into something else as they travel down my arm and out the pen or pencil to the paper.

I have found journaling to be an excellent 'asset' for me to get to the real me and move beyond some of the 'wreckage of my past actions or lack of actions.'

J M H O

Love and hugs,

celticghirl

Thankyou everyone,i really want to get over all this and i think i am putting to much pressure on myself about it.

I have thought about a few things from my childhood and believe that my relationship with my dad contributes to my choice in men,although i get on with my dad and i see him regular he wasnt great at showing affection unless he was drunk and he did beat my mum up alot,so this is something i need to work through.

Il try the journal thing,i did used to journal alot,i think reading through them may help me too.

Thanks
Ghirl xx

JenT1968

I gently suggest that there might be some powerful messages to a young girl forming her views on what a relationship should be like, what she can expect from men, and should put up with with that dynamic going on. ((CG))

most of all, remember you are doing just great, right where you are now, trying to understand and break patterns that our forefathers and mothers may have learned at their parents knees for generations.