Death of an Alcoholic
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 132
Death of an Alcoholic
I found out yesterday that the husband of my sister's friend died on December 26th. He was a retired firefighter - well, it wasn't retirement as much as it was an inability to work because he was always drunk or recovering from drinking. He was about 60 years old. He was married for 35 years to a lovely woman - no doubt a codie.
Life for that family was hell. Over the years, my sister would tell stories about the horrific things this man put his family through. I know his wife, but had actually never met him.
I just read his obituary. I found it peculiar that in death, he reads like a wonderful husband, father and grandfather who had a brilliant career as a respected firefighter. The truth is, he was a terrible husband, an absent father, an uninvolved grandfather and couldn't perform his job for at least the last 20 years and was on a disability pension due to his alcoholism.
Even in death, his drinking is hidden; his memory protected. Is it the final codependent act of his wife? The ultimate codie cover-up?
Just found it interesting....
Life for that family was hell. Over the years, my sister would tell stories about the horrific things this man put his family through. I know his wife, but had actually never met him.
I just read his obituary. I found it peculiar that in death, he reads like a wonderful husband, father and grandfather who had a brilliant career as a respected firefighter. The truth is, he was a terrible husband, an absent father, an uninvolved grandfather and couldn't perform his job for at least the last 20 years and was on a disability pension due to his alcoholism.
Even in death, his drinking is hidden; his memory protected. Is it the final codependent act of his wife? The ultimate codie cover-up?
Just found it interesting....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Canada
Posts: 132
You're right Gerry. I guess it would be highly inappropriate to vent in an obituary.
I was just surprised by some of the adjectives used to describe him : "highly respected", "loving husband, father and grandfather", "dedicated", "supportive".....
I was just surprised by some of the adjectives used to describe him : "highly respected", "loving husband, father and grandfather", "dedicated", "supportive".....
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
hI BUMBLING
Ummm, I can understand that. When my sister passed away last year at 41 we focussed on her real life as a wife, mother and beautiful person because she was. There were so many wonderful memories and things she had done with her life and we too did not want to sit there and focus on the bad stuff. We did mention though that the last few years she had faced some troubled times and that was it because everyone at the funeral knew of her addiction anyway. See it didnt need to be gone over again at a time when most of us were full of sadness and despair. We had already done that for a few years you see.
We had just lost our mother, sister and friend. She had done some bad things over the years but I saw that as the addict, not the woman we all really had known. I guess those people were focussing on 'memories' of who he was.
JJ
Ummm, I can understand that. When my sister passed away last year at 41 we focussed on her real life as a wife, mother and beautiful person because she was. There were so many wonderful memories and things she had done with her life and we too did not want to sit there and focus on the bad stuff. We did mention though that the last few years she had faced some troubled times and that was it because everyone at the funeral knew of her addiction anyway. See it didnt need to be gone over again at a time when most of us were full of sadness and despair. We had already done that for a few years you see.
We had just lost our mother, sister and friend. She had done some bad things over the years but I saw that as the addict, not the woman we all really had known. I guess those people were focussing on 'memories' of who he was.
JJ
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,913
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Obits as well as funerals are for the living.
I understand where you're coming from, though.
Someone said something to me once
that has stuck toward the front of my mind ever since:
"People know what they are."
And, you know, for the most part, that is very very true.
The wife knows.
The kids know.
The firefighters know.
This is the closing of a very sad chapter for these people.
They probably need to have that.
I understand where you're coming from, though.
Someone said something to me once
that has stuck toward the front of my mind ever since:
"People know what they are."
And, you know, for the most part, that is very very true.
The wife knows.
The kids know.
The firefighters know.
This is the closing of a very sad chapter for these people.
They probably need to have that.
Rising from the Ashes
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Republic of Texas
Posts: 451
How would you write an obituary of a beloved 23 year old daughter who completed suicide due to an overdose of an anti-psychotic injection by her psychiatrist? She had finally decided to start her monthly injection medication to stop hearing voices in her head. She had so many sides to her. She was my daughter......my best friend......she was a loving mother......she was suffering from schizo-effective disorder! The pain......the guilt......the love......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
While a hateful obit is not necessary, there is something to be said for the Alanon slogan, "say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean."
I think we get tired of protecting them...at least, I know I have. Sometimes I think it's best to leave it unsaid rather than ignoring the realities. My sister's friend had a horribly alcoholic husband who got himself killed on his motorcycle while he was drunk. His very lengthy obituary read like the eulogy of friggin' saint. It's another form of the "mind f*ck" for those who lived the reality every day. I wonder if something very short and simple, to the point, honoring the life of the man but w/o ignoring all the crap might have been more honest. Just sayin'...
Hm. Maybe a little fired up on this one. Family stuff for me, no doubt...
posie
I think we get tired of protecting them...at least, I know I have. Sometimes I think it's best to leave it unsaid rather than ignoring the realities. My sister's friend had a horribly alcoholic husband who got himself killed on his motorcycle while he was drunk. His very lengthy obituary read like the eulogy of friggin' saint. It's another form of the "mind f*ck" for those who lived the reality every day. I wonder if something very short and simple, to the point, honoring the life of the man but w/o ignoring all the crap might have been more honest. Just sayin'...
Hm. Maybe a little fired up on this one. Family stuff for me, no doubt...
posie
Sunny Side Up
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
You didnt offend me Bumbling..
I guess what I was saying is - All my sisters family and friends knew of her addiction, alot of us knew her before the addiction. I dont think it is necessary to sit at a funeral and rubbish someone just because they have been so ill. Not a nice ill, I know, but you have so many things going on in your head when someone dies, being nasty and judgemental wouldnt prove a thing. In our case, we didnt make her look like a saint, I just said it as it was and talked about the things she loved in life. Not what she hated in life and that was her addiction.
JJ
I guess what I was saying is - All my sisters family and friends knew of her addiction, alot of us knew her before the addiction. I dont think it is necessary to sit at a funeral and rubbish someone just because they have been so ill. Not a nice ill, I know, but you have so many things going on in your head when someone dies, being nasty and judgemental wouldnt prove a thing. In our case, we didnt make her look like a saint, I just said it as it was and talked about the things she loved in life. Not what she hated in life and that was her addiction.
JJ
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I respectfully disagree..
...in that, while you don't have to say negative things that are true in an obituary, you also don't have to say positive things that are not true. In fact, there didn't need to be an obituary at all.
I think Bumbling's observation could easily be dead on-- it was the final coverup.
Cyranoak
I think Bumbling's observation could easily be dead on-- it was the final coverup.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by BumblingAlong 
You're right Gerry. I guess it would be highly inappropriate to vent in an obituary.
I was just surprised by some of the adjectives used to describe him : "highly respected", "loving husband, father and grandfather", "dedicated", "supportive".....
I was just surprised by some of the adjectives used to describe him : "highly respected", "loving husband, father and grandfather", "dedicated", "supportive".....
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
This man was more than his addiction.
His family prob. loved him unconditionally.
In his 60 yrs. there must have been times that he was a "highly respected", "loving husband, father and grandfather", "dedicated", "supportive".....
May he rest in peace.
His family prob. loved him unconditionally.
In his 60 yrs. there must have been times that he was a "highly respected", "loving husband, father and grandfather", "dedicated", "supportive".....
May he rest in peace.
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