transformyself

I let my guard down, got too close to AH over the holiday and, predictably, got slapped around good. After a few days of cozy-ing up, I brought up his affair and he said, "oh I thought we were over that. You have way too many issues for me to deal with." And then coupled that with some drunk rantings after I left and came home. Criticisms about my life, you know the drill.

When I'm detached from him and he's drunk and says ridiculous crap to me, it doesn't affect me. Heck, when I'm detached from him, he doesn't get the opportunity to say drunken crap to me because I' don't subject myself to it.

I"m working on not beating myself up about it. It was Christmas and I wanted to be a family again. Too bad our family is like the Manson family. Doesn't matter that this hasn't happened since when? Summer time? Last spring I think. Same thing! Exact same dynamic. I bring up his affair and he says that he thougth i would be over that by now and he can't be compassionate with me.

He actually says that. I can't be compassionate with you. And I'm surprised!

This makes me doubt my sanity, my ability to be a single mother and deal with the horror of an alcoholic ex. To be honest, and please dont' condemn me for this, I think part of my doing this was because it's just so ******* exhausting to get and stay away from him- too hard to create and hold those boundaries. I know it's my job, that's the point! I'm sick of it. Sick of holding AH at arms length away from me and being the adult.

I have been juggling this for so long. I dated someone a few months ago and was all thrilled about it at first but he turned out to be a needy cling-on that would agree to respect my boundaries but then didn't. Way too much work, all though it did show me how unattractive neediness is. Thanks for that.

I feel beaten and stupid and unworthy of happiness--all from a mere week of engaging with AH. Good God.

At least now I have the knowledge-true knowledge-of alcoholism. At least this time I looked right at him and knew all of this is because he's a drunk and I'm a codie and it's that simple. No mystery. It's like science. My hand is flesh and there is the fire. Go ahead. Reach right in there.

coyote21

No time, gotta go, but I love you Transformie.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

whereisthisgoin

Are you two separated? Are you thinking of moving forward with a divorce?

I can so relate to your story. My A snuck in a trip to Vegas on his way home from a business meeting out west, and I found out when his trip home got cancelled due to weather. Hah. When I brought it back up, he said: "You were never supposed to find out about that." Not "I'm sorry" or "I'll never do that again, I was wrong." It is always turned on us, isn't it?

I'm thankful for your post. The relationship with an A is exhausting and to me. It's so interesting to me the similarities.

Thumper

I'm sorry Transform.

I understand how exhausting it is to keep an A out of your life. For me it is the constant 'no', the constant 'pushing back'. It is always me forcing the boundary over and over. I have to force it with him and to the kids. I have no ability to protect myself if even one stone of that boundary slips loose so I don't even go there. It is hard though, to not doubt myself and give in to second chances and wishful thinking - and you are right - it is so much harder over the holidays when we just want family and happy endings. I stay away from the fire so I won't be burned but it is a lonely place at times.

Best wishes for a 2011 in which you always, every minute, believe in yourself and feel smart and deserving of love and happiness no matter what someone else says or does.

tjp613

Ugh. Boy, do I know how you feel. BTDT! But in my case I didn't have kids to share and it was still a nightmare trying to hold my boundaries firm. I fell in that hole a hundred times before I learned to walk around it and you probably will, too. Only harm done is your pride is a little beat up -- you're ok. You'll come back stronger.

posiesperson

whereisthisgoin said, "It is always turned on us, isn't it?" Wow, that really struck me. Yup, it sure is.

Transformie, to me this feels like the proverbial flypaper of addict/codie relationships. I myself am currently exceedingly frustrated and somewhat discouraged with my own process. I really like what you said here: " I think part of my doing this was because it's just so ******* exhausting to get and stay away from him- too hard to create and hold those boundaries. I know it's my job, that's the point! I'm sick of it. Sick of holding AH at arms length away from me and being the adult." Yes, yes, yes. That's it exactly. I'm exhausted and as a kid never got the chance to NOT be the adult. This is all feeling so f*cked up.

I, too, recently dated someone who seemed like "da bomb" and now it has turned all around on me. I need my Alanon friends and program more than ever...here I thought I was choosing better, when I was simply choosing the same. UGH. Yup, Transmormie, I too found another needy cling-on who didn't respect my boundaries. And I had waaaaaay too much contact with exH over the holidays. My codie-ness is kicking up in spades.

I have a Alanon friend who has said to me, "maybe the best option is to do NOTHING right now." I think she's right. This is all so painful. I will grieve and meditate and try to clean my house and try to do nothing except the next "sober" thing. At least this time around I know I can do that, because I've done it before. And so have you. We all get to begin again.

Big hugs and deep breaths. One day at a time, right?
posie

AlcoholicLove

I understand....
I am a codie too, but not with an XAH.
It sucks.

TakingCharge999

here I thought I was choosing better, when I was simply choosing the same.

This sounds familiar to me too... and it sucks because sometimes you end up hurting the other person, as well...

Transformie, I have not moved on from events that happened in 1985. I do not know how you handle so much stress! I wish you a better 2011. I am aiming for peace, peace no matter what. You can be angry and still be at peace. You can be frustrated, sad, resentful etc and STILL be at peace deep down..

Hey are you Aquarius?? supposedly our 2011 will be SERENE!!

Phoenixthebird

*******************************

I'm losing my grip,
Against my will I'm loosening my fingertips.
It was the light that turned me away,
But I went back day after day.
The fire, the rain,
I can't tolerate the pain.
The darkness, the light,
Help me, no longer can I fight.
It's heaven, it's hell,
Will I survive? Only time will tell.
I give you an inch, you take a mile.
I'm not going to beg and plead,
But it's your arms around me that I need.
Listen to the skies as they play their song,
Thunder and lightning,
You knew it was wrong all along.
The fire, the rain,
I can't tolerate the pain.
The darkness, the light,
Help me, no longer can I fight.
It's heaven, it's hell,
Will I survive? Only time will tell.
I give you an inch, you take a mile.

Love and Peace,
Phoenix

transformyself

Well I changed AH's name in my phone to MORE PAIN and removed his special ringtone. That has an immediate effect. Good reminder. But I'm experiencing chest pain when I see happy couples again, which hasn't happened for a good 6 months. I'll probably be single for the rest of my life, which I was perfectly happy with until this latest escapade of mine.

See how quickly things deteriorate?

Freedom1990

All it took was a phone call from EXAH before we divorced and I had moved far away from him, to send me into a tailspin for days on end. I can only imagine had there been face to face contact.

We're all human. We all make mistakes. We do deserve happiness.

theuncertainty

Hugs, Transformie. I've been feeling something so similar even if for different reasons. Dealing with XAH is exhausting. Absolutely nothing is easy with him, not even the not talking with him except when it's about DS and even that, this past month has been relayed through his GF. I am so tired of him not being an adult when that's all I can be.

It's so hard to accept that he's never going to grow up and be responsible. I mean I *know* it won't happen, but.... It didn't happen on my watch, it's not likely to happen under his GF's watch because she's 'all about helping and supporting' this 'wonderful, open and honest man.' (gag) But I'm getting OT.... Sorry.

It can happen so quickly can't it? I'm astounded. One phone call between XAH and DS and I'm in a tailspin. All I can say is your not alone and that I hope we're able to bounce back quickly and that we slowly learn to keep that power out of their hands.

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

theuncertainty

I'd had the thread open to edit before I read DeVon's post. Funny that I used tailspin to describe it too....

wicked

What's this we white man?


(from a very old joke about the lone ranger and tonto.)

(or we as in you and the rat in your pocket?)

What's this you native woman?

(you cannot get over this huge betrayal yet? pfft this is about me, always has been always will be.)

Exit: Stage left.

TakingCharge999

Hugs transform!!

You have evolved A LOT. This is a process... it is like giving birth to a new transformie, there will be struggle and pain sometimes ... its a rebirth !!

Also the last days of the year have some kind of "closure energy" so perhaps all this is needed so you can move forward in your recovery?

Hope you feel better soon! let's scan ourselves for HALT - hungry, angry, lonely, tired? (I think I have all 4 lol.. time to do something about it!)

Floss

Wow Transformie, I related to your post so much too! Why is it so hard to remove ourselves from the nightmare? My ex alcoholic defacto and father of my daughter came here for Christmas Day. Everything went okay except he asked me for a hug and I stood there like a stiff board. The week before I'd experienced a horribly abusive phone call from him and now he wanted a hug? He truly is nuts, I am too, but like you, I'm expected to forgive and forget and move on without bringing up any 'issues' or expecting any apologies. Fortunately, there was no cosying up with him on Christmas Day, but it's not like I haven't gone down that path with him several times in my struggle to break free!

I also tried the 'nice' man who also turned out to be a clingy, needy,lying freak show, more interested in a 'hand bag' than a person (he's found another handbag now...) I, too think I'll be single forever. But as we know, recovery is a process and not an event. Sometimes I feel like moving so far away so I don't ever have to deal with the insanity again or feel drawn to him again like I do at times...Problem is, I'd be taking me with me and he'd probably follow too...I understand the frustration Transform, I really do...now it's time to get back on the wagon...one foot in front of the other. We all slip up. It's part of our recovery...

wicked

LOL

I love this. found another handbag to put his b@lls in?

I say, no thank you, you keep them for the next one!

i guess i should add this is an old southern saying i think,
"she's got his b@lls in her handbag!"

coyote21

Um......ouch.

Thanks and God bless us all,
coyote

transformyself

Goodness do I love this place.

Thank you all, TC you're ALWAYS there for me and I don't know that I've ever thanked you. Beth too, is steadfast in her support. Coyote, all of you. Thank you.

Have you ever actually witnessed a woman giving birth? I have, many times. Homebirths, where, rather than a the birth of the child being a procedure that's done to the mom, the woman actually gives birth to her baby and the attendants help her. Support her.

The way a baby is born is often a two inches forward, one inch back sort of progress. This slow progression during the pushing stage can be deemed a failure in hospital followed by intervention, but at home, we wait and help and keep an eye on the mom and baby. In this way, those little guy finally emerges.

That's actually what's been happening with me as well I suppose. Two steps forward, one step back. Hopefully I'll be done with this soon. I'll come out on the other side, all wet and intensely staring at my surroundings like a little gnome.

I read through some of my odor posts earlier (when I was suppose to be working) and a year ago when folks were kind to me it made me cry. Now, it reminds me that I'm ok. I'm grateful for that growth, for being able to see it.

You know what else I noted about my other posts? They always seem to digress into an hysterical laughter fest. I love that. I love that we set the tone of recovery with honesty and laughter. Thank you my friends.

transformyself

Ha! Odor posts! Ha! I'm leaving that right there...