LivingAgain2

I am writing this in hopes that someone will learn from my mistakes. I apologize for the length, but, I would really like to share my story.

In Sept. I started an absolutely, horrible argument with my collage-aged daughter after drinking a 12 pack. Of course, this wasn't the first time and she was tired of hearing my "I'm sorrys" the day after. She made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me. Being shut out of my daughter's life made me realize how much my drinking was damaging all of my relationships (although people had been trying to tell me that for a long time). I found this Sober Recovery website (joined the Sept. class) and joined AA and got a sponsor. My husband, daughter and best friend were all very proud of me as they could tell I had finally realized and admitted to myself that I had a very serious problem with alcohol.

People started easing up trusting me again - I took advantage of that and went right back to my old habits. I had lasted 3 weeks. I still went to my AA meetings because I really did want to stop drinking deep down, but I never admitted to my sponsor or anyone else that I was drinking again. My drinking from Oct - Dec got increasingly worse - worse than it ever had been. I got to the point where if I didn't have to go to work that day, I had downed a 12 pack by noon. If I did have to go to work I was drinking 4 - 6 bottles of beer before I left at 8:30 am and was finishing off the 12 pack when I got home that night. Note that I am a 40"ish female professional in an upper-level position at a fortune 500 company. If my work knew of my bad habits, I would be fired in a second. I started taking more and more risk. One day, I went to work after drinking 6 beers in just a little over an hour - sat in a meeting with company executives and was so scared someone would be able to tell that I went home sick (you can brush your teeth but you can't hide the bloodshot eyes). My days were now dark and depressing, my work performance was suffering and I was extremely irritable with everyone. My relationship with my husband began to suffer (again) - he was tired of having a lying, drunk for a wife - especially after he had a touch of how nice it was to be with me when I had quit for those few weeks.

My relationship with my daughter had gotten better over the fall/winter because she was away at college and was not aware of how I had fallen back into my bad habits. I couldn't wait for her to get home for Christmas. She arrived on Dec. 22nd - I couldn't drink in front of her that night so I made an excuse to run an errand and ran to a local bar/restaurant and drank 5 beers in an hour there instead. Dec. 23rd, the next morning, I had drank 12 beers by 9 am, was in one of my "mean" moods and as soon as she got up started yelling at her. She left for her dads immediately. My plans for us shopping, making cookies and spending the time together up to Christmas was shot. The rest of the day was spent yelling at my husband and blaming him for her leaving. At some point I threw all of his christmas presents that I had spent so much time getting and wrapping so pretty on the front lawn. I was a drunk, horrible mess. Yesterday, on Christmas Eve, I got up and my husband told me he wanted to part ways - he couldn't take it anymore. It was beautiful outside - a light snow was falling - and I was a mess inside - both inside my house and inside my head. How had I let alcohol do this to me? I hated myself for what I had become - a very ugly person. I knew that I was not going to be happy - or make anyone else happy in my life as long as alcohol was in mine. I begged and pleaded for him to believe me that I will stop - I know I have a problem. He's tired of hearing the "I'm sorrys" also. He eventually agreed to give me one more chance - and I know this is it. I cried all day on X-mas eve because I knew I have to quit before I end up losing my job and my family.

So, here it is Christmas Day - day 2 of my new life. I will see my daughter tonight at my family gathering at my mothers. Our tradition has been for her to come back to my house tonight for gift openings since she spends Xmas Day with her Dad. I hope she comes - my husband has told her that I promise to stay sober so she is considering it. I have a learned a big lesson on how alcohol affects those we love and how much we love ourselves. I know that I will not overcome this without the help and support of AA and admitting - and remembering - that I am powerless over alcohol. If I had not relapsed in Sept. when I first admitted to myself I had a serious problem, I would have had a wonderful x-mas with my family rather than the sad, horrible one that developed.

Stay strong and sober this holiday season - alcohol is NOT worth it.

watsonc

Thank you for sharing so much; you can do it - though I've no good answers or methods being in the same boat as you with relapse issues and maintaining consistency. Sounds as though you're going to make a success of it this time!! You will! You shall!! A Merry Christmas to the new you! Keep in touch w/us here

imatryinhard

Thank for sharing with us. Merry Christmas to you all!

NEOMARXIST

Thank you for your honesty. You will have helped many people with posting so honestly, I'm sure.

I agree that alcohol is simply NOT worth it! So easy to say, but so hard to believe when you're deep in active alcoholism. I know that I have had a nice, peaceful Xmas day because I'm sober and know without doubt I'm an alcoholic and so do all my family too. It's great because I can do anything but drink booze, I don't like me when I drink and neither do they!!

All The Best!!

peace and Love xxx

Demut

LA2 - could you have told my story any better????? !!!!! I read your post with such intent and awe as it really is a replica of mine. If I may share ~
At least for me, I am comforted when I learn I'm "not alone" . . . in a nutshel, I'm your age and have a daughter (beautiful talented young woman) who is a sophmore in college about two hours away. I am married to my second husband and my ex, my daughter's father lives 20 minutes away. With college monies handed to me, I entered school in early 80's but only focused on where the best drink specials were at the bars on a given night. I dropped out. Married and had children..... drinking took a backseat as I was committed to being an exceptional mother, though that is not to say there were not some horrific binge episodes weaved inbetween those 80's and 90's. Turning 40 forced me to cease routine living and I took a hard look at what I had become, where I was in life, and the image left me depressed, literally, I suffered a bout of major clinical depression, erroneously prescribed for my mental disorder, hence becoming worse actually, alcohol was my only solace, the only elixir I knew to lift me out of such darkness. As we know, in retrospect, the darkness became darker (if that were possible), I entered in-patient treatment via a family intervention and subsequently divorced. AA became an active part of my life, though, and again this is in retrospect, deep down I was not interested in forever abstaining from alcohol. I had, though, at this point still not been properly medicated for my depression. Through tbe process of the custody battle (went on for four years) I suffered a nervous breakdown and was now in-patient on a psych ward. The blessing came when I was FINALLY prescribed the appropriate medication combination. A critical turning point in my life, and I went on to experience a few years of sobriety.

When I remarried (he's a normie, an earthling) I left my sober friends, support, and the program of alcoholics anonymous in its entirety. Last December we , my husband and I , went to Europe and with my drinking experiences far behind me, that addict mind took over in a new york minute and I was fully embracing the traditions of the Christmas Markets and all the drinking that goes along with it. Came home and chilled for a while, but as Easter approached and I was fortunate to be having my daughter choose to spend it with us (not her father) we made plans, seasonal, such as the ones you had with your daughter the other day. Good Friday we were playing games with the kids (she had her boyfriend here) and I would retreat to my office frequently for gulps from a vodka bottle I had hidden amongst my scrapbook supplies. No one said anything and I did not sense that anyone knew (ya right). The following morning, I was sick and tired; my high school age daughter and college daughter participated in the egg coloring and baking and I took "naps"

This summer, after a few similar visits like Easter, my daughter sent me an email stating how she could not sleep and how she was so worried about my "drinking again". This devestated me. Having my daugher, who works full time and is carrying a full load at school , worry about ME was unconscionable!! I wrote her back immediately and assured her those were "isolated incidence and that it stops now.

If that weren't enough to force a mom to stop. I had a lower bottom to reach. I had returned to college about three years back and obtained my BA in Human Resource Mangement - landed "the" job last summer as lead staff in a group home, which promised rapid advancement. Around September , like yourself, my drinking advanced to a new level. I was drinking at the group home, drinking nearly every day, hiding it, fights with spouse, threats of his leaving, emails from family (1,000 miles away) expressing concern, and living two lives, the one who cared deeply about a new career field, new family structure, and preparing for my husband's retirement. And the other me who cared ONLY about drinking. Last month on a rainy night (I cannot see well at night when driving, and nearly blind when it is raining) I had advised a staff member to take one of our clients to the pet store to visit the cats. He gave me attitude because it was raining and that made me mad, instead of handling it in a managerial manner, I instructed the client to get ready and meet me in my car (where the vodka was that I had been drinking all afternoon). When driving back to the group home, I rear-ended an SUV totaling the vehcile my father graciously purchased for me after my divorce. The rest is history, jail, lawyers, out-patient treatment, an exhorbitant amount of funds and a near divorce.

With enormous ferver I re-entered the program, found a new sponsor and am fully participating in this relapse program. I do not have the words to express how different I feel about being sober. The real difference, I think, is honesty. I have spoken to my children about this incident and with vulnerable transparency have expressed my assurance that I am an alcoholic and that I must be involved in my program of recovery daily, that I must remember my last drink, to forget, will be to die. I'm done flirting with disaster, riding the fence, and exerting the effort it takes to be two people.

This really is winded, I apologize for that. But I wanted to share with you that I know EXACTLY where you're at, that I trust our daughter's will gain their trust , in time. And that with the blessings that surround sobriety, this new year will stand out amongst all others for you and I both. I welcome walking this journey with you and thank you for your post!!! A sober New Years. This is good!!
Merry Christmas,
~d

mygrandfather

LA2 and Demut thanks for sharing your stories. I am convinced, now more than ever, that I am heading down the same path. That my lack of control is creeping into my professional space, to me that was the red flag that came up and scared me.

I am wishing you and everyone a positive day.

borealisinco

I too am on day 2 of my sobriety, and also put my loving caring family through the same hell right before Christmas that both of you did. I read both of your stories and was amazed at the similarities. I too am on my last chance. I went 4 months without a drop of alcohol or drugs of any kind, but then for some stupid reason, decided to start experimenting with alcohol again. It all came to a head the day before Christmas eve.

Day 2 for me. I'd like to say I feel better, but I'm pretty miserable. I'm horribly irritable and still feel like everything is "me, me, me" I don't know if that will pass, or how to get in a better mood. I just wish I could feel "good", but I guess that too will come in time.

Thanks again for your stories!

Ghostly

LivingAgain2- Thanks for sharing. Congrats on day 2. Good luck and keep is posted.

Thanks for sharing your story too Demut.

Welcome borealisinco! Congrats on day 2. Give it some time...for most things get better fairly quicker.

Merry Christmas to you all.

NYCDoglvr

Thank you for sharing and congratulations on day 2.

Anna

Your post is very honest and touching. I do know how you feel. My daughter was 16 when I started drinking and she quickly became absolutely furious with me because of my behaviour. She is a very no-nonsense person and found it very hard to deal with me. The thing was I was stuck in the cycle - I would feel horrible about our relationship and then drink more...Three years of my life were focused on alcohol more than anything else.

Today, I am unbelievably grateful that we have healed. Ten years since I stopped drinking and I know I am so blessed to have my family with me. The best thing of all is my grandson, who is 1 1/2 and he is love of my life. To think I would have thrown all this away attests to the insanity of addiction.

Good for you for knowing what you need to do.

laurie6781

Thank you for sharing that.

I have a very dear friend whose story is EXACTLY the same as yours and also was in St Louis MO, only hers is from 23 years ago! Yes, she is sober all these years and YOU CAN BE TOO.

She and her husband (the same one that said you sober up for good or I am gone) retired in '09 to Southwestern Florida.

Enjoy your day with your family, and I would suggest you call your sponsor this evening or in the morning and 'come clean' with her. She can help (guide) you in how to apply those 12 steps to yourself, and you will NEVER (I know we should never say 'never) have to go through something like this again.

Actually I have to tell you, I drank for 24 years, 22 of it alcoholically, and I have been sober over 29 1/2 years now and ................................ SOBER IS MUCH MUCH BETTER.

So, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

There is always someone it seems at SR to respond to a post, we have folks from all over the world, in all time zones, who have been where you or are where you are and can share their ES&H to help you to keep moving forward in recovery.

Again, thank you for posting this, and thank you so much for giving yourself another chance at RECOVERY.

Love and hugs,

least

I thank you for your post as it helps my resolve to stay sober by showing me how bad it can get if I start drinking again.

I hope 2011 is the best year ever for you.

Onewithwings

Thank you for your story. I am on day 90 (well, 91 technically, since October has 31 days) and I relapsed A LOT. The only thing that has kept me clean and sober for 3 months is actively working a program, and continuing to work on the steps every day. At 3 months clean I am on step 6, and have done a very thorough steps 1-5. Working on the steps daily has been my reprieve and reminds me why I am doing this and what I want out of it. I don't want simply not to drink or use, I want to heal!

Good luck on your sobriety! Merry Christmas.

lilac0721

Thank you for your honesty. I have relapsed more times than I can count, and am on day 2 again. I feel better knowing that I am not the only one who keeps on falling off the wagon.

HideorSeek

LA2 and Demut and all the others, my story is a mirror image of yours. The drinking, the lying, the fights with my hubby and girls, going to AA, yet still drinking and telling no one there. I posted here and SR was the only place I was truly honest.

What happened to make me stop? My bottom came when I just couldn't lie any more...to myself or to others. I knew that I had to get a grip or I would lose everything I love.

19 months later, I have a excellent marriage and a wonderful relationship with my 2 daughters. I say this to offer encouragement. Because you CAN recover. Stay strong, my friend...we're all with you!

CarolD

Good to know you are geting back on track...

julez

Thank you for your stories. They help keep my resolve to stay sober very strong.
I witnessed my mother's drinking for what it actually is this year. I never realized it before, but she is a raging alcoholic. She was horribly drunk last night, and when my husband poured out her drink and got her water, when she thought noone was looking, she poured vodka in the water. I don't want to be 60 years old, and be like that. She was an embarrassment to everyone.
Congrats on day 2

Impurrfect

Congrats to all of you who are on day 2. It CAN be the last time you have to go through these feelings of regret, for what you did while drinking.

Work your recovery as if your life depends on it...it really does.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

gr8ful42day

Thank you for sharing with such honesty. Your sharing helps yourself and others, I'm sure of it.

I can relate to your story and Demut's (love u new friend!)

I hope all you day 2'ers (anyone that has decided to quit this month) will join our class thread
Class of December 2010 There is wonderful support there.

Also, FYI-
SR chat has meetings on Fridays at 9pm est and when it's not a holiday there is usually someone always hangin' there and a pretty good group in evenings/nights. It is a great place to talk to others and get input and ideas on how they are staying sober.

My new saying is 'Nothing Changes if Nothing Changes'.

You ALL CAN do this

coffeenut

Thanks for your post.

Lead by example. Show your daughter with your actions that you mean business.

You CAN do this. We're glad you're here!