Got the No Contact - then a simple one line
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Got the No Contact - then a simple one line
text sent out of the blue sent me into a tizzy of physical stress symptoms.
My family situation is a very dysfunctional family unit (our Mom died
from alcoholic complications) and the new wife was helpless and got
all sorts of co dependent help - of which she really came to expect
from us and hated us when we stopped.
Last straw was finding a street man answering the door to father's house
and he was left alone with him. Call to APS, etc...
Then went total No Contact with them and it was wonderful. Even spent Thanksgiving with friends. This stuff is really working.
But, a message from a relative (who I had warned no talk about them - or a boundary set) relayed info about the dismal no meal Thanksgiving (they are that helpless). Then this person relayed info about us that sparked a
text message - just one line - to our phone from them.
This sent me into such a reaction, physically ill symptoms, letting the toxicity seep into my life by arguing with my husband we need a new phone.
Also got into it with the person who ignored a boundary on the topic of them.
Coming here and remembering the advice, you may go NC but how detached are you when a simple little one line message can ruin your day?
Do some of you prepare for boundaries broken (and are willing to go NC with those who break those).
Do you do daily mediations and studies and practice about detachment so that a simple one sentence cannot control your whole day and body with stress.
I really thought the NC was working and the detachment was there but was not because I feel it might always be a problem with a phone number being available to them to text.
We at one point were getting 16 texts at a time this past year so this is something I need to be on top of.
Any feedback appreciated.
And am reading more about the detachment topics here in forum.
My family situation is a very dysfunctional family unit (our Mom died
from alcoholic complications) and the new wife was helpless and got
all sorts of co dependent help - of which she really came to expect
from us and hated us when we stopped.
Last straw was finding a street man answering the door to father's house
and he was left alone with him. Call to APS, etc...
Then went total No Contact with them and it was wonderful. Even spent Thanksgiving with friends. This stuff is really working.
But, a message from a relative (who I had warned no talk about them - or a boundary set) relayed info about the dismal no meal Thanksgiving (they are that helpless). Then this person relayed info about us that sparked a
text message - just one line - to our phone from them.
This sent me into such a reaction, physically ill symptoms, letting the toxicity seep into my life by arguing with my husband we need a new phone.
Also got into it with the person who ignored a boundary on the topic of them.
Coming here and remembering the advice, you may go NC but how detached are you when a simple little one line message can ruin your day?
Do some of you prepare for boundaries broken (and are willing to go NC with those who break those).
Do you do daily mediations and studies and practice about detachment so that a simple one sentence cannot control your whole day and body with stress.
I really thought the NC was working and the detachment was there but was not because I feel it might always be a problem with a phone number being available to them to text.
We at one point were getting 16 texts at a time this past year so this is something I need to be on top of.
Any feedback appreciated.
And am reading more about the detachment topics here in forum.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I'm sorry you had such a reaction. I found, that for me personally, true detachment didn't come until a fair amount of time after no contact - months. I still have 'moments' but it does not throw my day/life off like you describe anymore and the intense physical reactions are not there or only very fleeting. I suspect most people have moments.
Detachment came for me when I became more clear on my own needs and that I was truly responsible for my own needs. No one else was, and I wasn't responsible for anyone else either. I totally relinquished the idea that I needed to (or even could) do something to fix their (xah in my case) life or to lesson their discomfort and unhappiness.
ETA: There are ways to block specific numbers from your phone so you don't have to get a whole new number if that is a problem.
Just read noday's post. Yes - I forgot I did a lot of that. I said the Serenity Prayer and then really asking myself whose problem is this exactly. I had to really examine things to figure that out. Usually it was not my problem after closer examination. Say Serenity Prayer again!
Detachment came for me when I became more clear on my own needs and that I was truly responsible for my own needs. No one else was, and I wasn't responsible for anyone else either. I totally relinquished the idea that I needed to (or even could) do something to fix their (xah in my case) life or to lesson their discomfort and unhappiness.
ETA: There are ways to block specific numbers from your phone so you don't have to get a whole new number if that is a problem.
Just read noday's post. Yes - I forgot I did a lot of that. I said the Serenity Prayer and then really asking myself whose problem is this exactly. I had to really examine things to figure that out. Usually it was not my problem after closer examination. Say Serenity Prayer again!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Yes, I remember receiving 2 line emails that sent me into Hyperventilation Land. My peace was disturbed and I was a wreck.
Eventually, my solution became this:
1) Serenity Prayer, said more than a few times (and then once more, with feeling
)
2) Take a deep breath
3) Play the tape all the way through...ask myself "What does this mean for me in the long run?"...generally, my answer was: not a thing.
4) Post on SR to get some much needed perspective
5) See if I needed to modify certain things in how I'd set up my boundaries (or my email blocks).
I think you can apply a similar strategy when you receive little blips out of nowhere that try to ruin your serenity. Is it possible to have that number blocked? Or perhaps, as you suggested, is it possible to change numbers?
Take a breath, take action and soon enough you'll be back your serenity.
Eventually, my solution became this:
1) Serenity Prayer, said more than a few times (and then once more, with feeling
)2) Take a deep breath
3) Play the tape all the way through...ask myself "What does this mean for me in the long run?"...generally, my answer was: not a thing.
4) Post on SR to get some much needed perspective
5) See if I needed to modify certain things in how I'd set up my boundaries (or my email blocks).
I think you can apply a similar strategy when you receive little blips out of nowhere that try to ruin your serenity. Is it possible to have that number blocked? Or perhaps, as you suggested, is it possible to change numbers?
Take a breath, take action and soon enough you'll be back your serenity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 101
Thanks for the advice.
The blocking sounds good but they have several numbers to call from - but perhaps several can be blocked.
It is private phone used for business - so real hassle to redo and replace - will find out if blockage is more in line.
And am working on detachment more (read about the word indifference in one post).
As always, this forum is so helpful.
The blocking sounds good but they have several numbers to call from - but perhaps several can be blocked.
It is private phone used for business - so real hassle to redo and replace - will find out if blockage is more in line.
And am working on detachment more (read about the word indifference in one post).
As always, this forum is so helpful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Might need to step it up...
...while it shows great self-awareness that you realize no contact all by itself is not enough for you to detach in a healthy way, you may have to also no contact the person who ignored the boundary, and I highly suggest that you do so either right away, or after one more chance (but no more than one more chance-- it's the last chance).
I know people who have had to detaich from their entire family because the rest of the folks were so codependant and controlling, and were not in recovery or felt no need to be in recovery.
Speaking of recovery, are you working an Al-Anon program? If not, I highly recommend it. I personally believe it to be the only path to happeness for most people in our situations.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Good luck,
Cyranoak
I know people who have had to detaich from their entire family because the rest of the folks were so codependant and controlling, and were not in recovery or felt no need to be in recovery.
Speaking of recovery, are you working an Al-Anon program? If not, I highly recommend it. I personally believe it to be the only path to happeness for most people in our situations.
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Good luck,
Cyranoak
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