Jenny1232

I'm not even looking for advice.. I know what I 'need' to do, and I have a therapist who kicks me in the ass..

What I need.. is SOLACE.

I am so effing alone. I should post in the mental help, but I'm more familiar with the people here.

I think I've literally lost it. It's 4:00am, and I've woken from a drunken stupor. Please don't refer me to AA... I want to stick with exercise and therapy, I've just gone off track. I will be up and running soon, god I hope.

I'm really beginning to question whether or not I have borderline personality disorder. When I read about it, it's as if someone is writing about ME. I think if I can put a label to WHATEVER it is wrong with me, that I can begin to work on it.

I am so SAD. I am so so so so so sad and alone.

When I say I have no true connections anymore, I mean it.

And.. the shocker of it all.. I MISS HIM. I MISS MY EXABF. The abusive psychopath. He knew I was a nutbag... and while he beat me and used me, he accepted me. I'm left feeling like no one will ever love me. I know it sounds silly, but these feelings are SO REAL.

My psychologist hates labels and medicine.. and luckily, I do to for the most part. I'm half tempted to find someone new, who will prescribe me something more than "mindfulness"... but, he's sooo good, and HE BELIEVES IN ME. My general doctor prescribed me lorazepam for night time use... I mean, I have lost it lately.

I cannot stop crying. I'm not sure over what. I just know tonight it came flowing out of me. I was BALLING.. and I kept saying his dumb effing name. How,oh how can he still get to me? I am active in my recovery and I try my damn hardest and I FAIL AT EVERYTHING I DO. I feel like a huge, worthless failure.

I think I ended things with new guy tonight. In the craziest, most psychotic nature, because that's me... I mean, it wasn't that bad, but I FEEL LIKE A LUNATIC. SOMEBODY, I JUST NEED A HUG. I NEED A HUG SO BAD. I CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS... and as much as I want to change, as hard as I try... I SUCK...

I was reading my abandonment book, and stage 4 was rage.. and I couldn't help but laugh at the irony.. I am truly moving in the stages without realizing it. I have SO MUCH ANGER and RESENTMENT.. not just for him, FOR MY ENTIRE FAMILY.. FOR MY LIFE. I have become so cynical, so bitter. I find myself lashing out at any and everyone.

I have literally, lost control.

Hugs, all I need. Please don't undermine or demean me.. I posted here because my personal journal lends me no outside source of comfort... I just need to hear that SOMEWHERE, SOMEONE OUT THERE CARES ABOUT ME....



"Tonight I feel like an old violin, soon to be put away and never played again"

SteppingUp

(((((Jenny)))))! :ghug3

I'm so sorry you're in this place. But I'm glad that you're here on SR.

Please know that you are not alone and that there are people here who support you and believe in you.

Please try to take care of yourself the best you can.

chicory

(((((((((((((((jenny)))))))))))))))

big hugs for you girl. I care. I am glad that you are here.

Sounds like you have a lot of anger to work through?
I am glad that your therapist is good, that is gonna help.

I am sorry you are hurting. It is good that you know to come here- it is a wonderful
place to get hugs, and understanding.

sending big hugs and prayers,
chicory

Phoenixthebird

Jenny, would you believe that MOST people have gone through a period in their lives where they have felt so lonely and lost. Just as you do right now!

Remember when Britney Spears shaved her own hair off. Psychotherapist Robin Ludwig told TODAY "She's basically saying to the world, "I want everybody to see how I really feel. I don't want to cover it up and identify myself with this Hollywood, glitzy side. This is how I'm feeling on the inside — damaged and sick."

You are definitely NOT alone and your feelings will go away! If you feel like crying......CRY! I consider tears as window washing for our souls!

You did the RIGHT thing by posting here on SR! You need to continue reaching out to people. I have found attending Alanon meetings as a good means to find people to help support you.

You wrote "I think I've literally lost it. It's 4:00am, and I've woken from a drunken stupor. Please don't refer me to AA... I want to stick with exercise and therapy, I've just gone off track. I will be up and running soon, god I hope." Another good resource for reaching out for other people to support you is through a church's young person's group.

And last, but most important! Reach out to God! God is there for you. Today. Always. Forever. It does not depend on your feelings or your thoughts. He wants you to know it and to live in this reality. He is your Friend. He listens to your complaints and He is full of attention when you are hurting. He is full of understanding. He is the One who never leaves you. He is faithful. He is the One who helps you. You can share your heart with Him, your joys and your griefs, your dreams and your fears. No matter what your life looks like. No matter what you are thinking. No matter what is happening around you. Don’t doubt that!

******************************

Time4Me1

Its ok to feel sad and to cry rivers! Get it all out, feel the pain! Embrace the aloneness! Learn to suffer through the discomfort and learn to love and rely on yourself!! We are all so afraid of being alone! Over come the lonliness and get to know you. Take care of you, as only you can! I promise that in time you will begin to heal and you will even begin to enjoy your own self!!!!!!! I never thought the tears and lonliness would end....but it has and for the first time in my life, I like being alone with just me!!! I truly believe that I will begin to be more discrimitive as to who I allow into my life!
Hp is trying to get through to you...so let go and allow the pain!! You are stronger than you think!!!

Jenny1232

Thank you sooo much, oh my gosh, thank you.

Time4me, there was a time not too long ago when I LOVED being alone.. Until I met this new guy, and lo' and behold, feel myself entering un-even ground. The irony here is, as ALONE as a feel, and as MUCH as I hate it.. I WANT TO BE ALONE. I am so sad and miserable, and feel so ugly that I can't bear to be seen by the world. I don't mind having virtual social interaction, but I've realized I cannot stand face to face anymore. I'm not sure if it is because I feel dumb and I'm ridden with anxiety, or I just don't have the energy to try and entertain others through conversation. I feel like I am able to express myself through writing, but I cannot say these thoughts/feelings outloud. I know I was raised in an uncommunicative family, but why are actually saying my feelings out loud so silly to me?

I have a host of things bothering me lately, and I've tried so hard to work through them and I keep coming up short.

The new guy dilemma:
Well, freedom comes to mind here.. Alas, I've gotten the "best" end of my deal. I've determined he is emotionally unavailable. He's not a feeler and I am. I hadn't told him how I felt, well because I didn't know. Part of me liked him, the other part of me felt absolutely nothing. He served as a distraction, someone to hold me when I wanted to be touched. I just didn't feel it. Last night I got drunk and just blasted him... told him I was tired of playing games and I'm an emotional person who discusses feelings. He'd been sending so many damn mixed signals, and I'd pretend to not care. Well, I'd had it. I'm pretty sure he realized how nutty I am and will know ignore me. Here's the thing: I know what I did and why. I felt myself developing feelings for him, and I flew into flight mode. I knew that I could pick out his flaws, and pick out mine.. in order to save me from heartache. MY HEART CAN NOT TAKE ANOTHER BREAK.. It can't. I got so scared by constant thoughts of him, that I needed to create a barrier between us. (I realize it's too damn soon for me to date, and I got myself tangled in a dumb mess).

EX-ABF Dilemma:
The problem here is.. I CAN'T GET OVER HIM. It's December.. and I'm still missing him. During my mental episode last night, I balled my eyes out.. thinking of ONLY him. It hurt SO bad, and all I wanted was to see him, to touch him, to feel him, to hear his voice. The issue here is.. I cannot discuss these feelings with anyone. They all thing I'm nutty for feeling this way.. I should be over him by now, etc. Well, truth be told, I'M NOT. I don't know that I ever will be, and it just breaks my heart. When I'm with new guy, I'm often fantasizing about my ex. That raises some serious issues here.

I'm a wreck, I really am. I have sank so far into nothingness, that I cannot find my way back to mattering.

Phoenixthebird, God, I love your replies. I'm very happen you mention God, because that is one thing I am struggling so hard to find, but I WANT, WANT, WANT it. I'm just so down that I can't motivate myself to go anywhere, especially alone. I have been reading up on religion some.. I am SO ignorant on the subject, I've got no clue where to begin. I've spoken with some people who believe, and that helps. I just don't naturally feel God's love or presence, and again, that's just weird to me.

I appreciate the responses so much.. thank you a million times. I am just so hurt and I cannot get to the bottom of it.

I did realize how much anger I had. I thought I was this sweet, loving girl, when in reality, I'm a bitter, angry B!tch. I'm constantly cursing and lash out ALL the time. I mean, I am FILLED with rage. I was looking into books on anger and perhaps some workbooks. It's hard to address everything in therapy... especially since it's all dependent on my mood that day. Why am I so ANGRY? Is anyone else so overwhelmed with rage and resentment?

Summerpeach

Jenny, the fact that you can acknowledge your feelings here is huge!
Anger is usually the base of all pain. You need to ask yourself what you get out of being angry.
You miss your ex, not because he was a superstar great guy, but because it was safe, it's what you knew. We tend to stick with what feels comfortable, even if comfortable means chaos. When all we know is chaos and anger, happiness feels uncomfortable.

You can take meds (I am totally against meds), but that will only mask and numb your true feelings. You cannot work through your feelings if you feel numb.

Ask yourself some questions like:
What do I get from being angry?
What do I get out of missing this ex?
Why do I feel so alone?
What would happen if I just sat in the feelings of being alone?

The universe or God, whatever you believe in, will keep you in your state until you stop resisting and come to your authentic self.

Being into the natural health care field, I can also tell you, what you put into your body, also contributes to mental health. Maybe you can look into seeing an naturopath in order to balance out your brain chemicals naturally.

Jennie, give yourself some credit here, you are reaching out and being honest, I see a whole lot of hope for healing here.

Live

Jenny, I am sorry you feel so badly.

Alcohol is quite a depressant so I hope you will feel a little better once you have eaten and rested and got that out of your system.

I sent you a link to BPD support. They are wonderfully kind and understanding.

I have an illness rather than a label. I don't really have any clue what is going on with you in that respect. I have bipolar disorder. It can make my life truly crazy, oh yeah.
LOL
It isn't funny at all when it is happening, let me assure you!

I know that I can't be in my head all the time...so I read alot of engaging mysteries to get caught up in. (In addition to taking my meds religiously)

I just went through a period of anxiety (I moved and had to re-establish my health care team and ran out of meds too) where I didn't want to step outside of my house.
It is horrible feeling that way. Really awful. I was so anxious.

There was a time in the past when I have drank to get out of myself and get out amongst people and sometimes to "tell them how I really feel" LOL
I certainly understand that!
It's just something I don't want to do to myself anymore. I wore that one out! HAHAHA
It wasn't good for my self-esteem.

I'm just sorry things are so tough for you right now.
Things can and do get better!

Jenny1232

Thanks summerpeach.. I don't think I know what genuine happiness feels like. I'm uncertain if it's something that I will ever truly feel. I think I thrive off of chaos, because that IS what is normal and comfortable for me. I just can't take it anymore though, I can't.

I too, am against meds. I feel like I am at my wit's end. I just can't stand myself anymore. The denial, the pain, the heart break. i want it all to go away.

Also, you mention what you put into your body is what you get out. For abotu a month I was on a high raw food diet. I felt GREAT! I ate 80-95% fruits and veggies only and man, I felt so good! I would eat 5-15 bananas everyday, and everyone just laughed at me... but, I FELT SO GOOD!!! I need to revamp my diet and exercise routine, YET AGAIN. Despite others opinions. I went for a medical checkup to make sure it was okay, and my dr. was not pleased..until the results came in. He said my kidneys work like a champ, and to eat all the bananas I want! Yay!

Also, it means a lot to see hope for me. It's so far in the distance.. I can't lose sight.

Ask yourself some questions like:
What do I get from being angry? Nothing but FRUSTRATION. I HATE BEING ANGRY! I don't know how to calm down and relax though, I literally EXPLODE.
What do I get out of missing this ex? tears; a sense of belonging. A sense that once upon a time, someone truly loved me. Despite everything he put me through, he had me mindeffed.. and I truly thought I was his entire world and the most meaningful person. he worshipped me. he needed me. Now.. no one does.
Why do I feel so alone? I feel like no one likes me. I know it sounds silly, but I feel like I'm unfit for this world. People look down upon me, and I don't have anything to offer them. I wake up alone, I come home alone and I spend my weekends alone for the most part.. Therefore, I feel alone. WHat I want.. is to be, to feel loved.
What would happen if I just sat in the feelings of being alone? Fade away into nothingness.. seriously.. I guess I'd eventually snap out. This is something my therapist has me working on. Feel the feelings, and let them pass. I can't say I've mastered that one yet.

Thumper

Jenny,

If you feel like you might have bi polar disorder, or any mental illness, you owe it to yourself to follow up on those concerns and speak with a professional that can figure that out.

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now.

Live

I agree Thumper. There is a huge difference between a label and an illness.

hello-kitty

Some people have a chemical imbalance and medication helps them achieve balance and allows them to have full productive lives. It doesn't really matter whether someone else is against taking them or not. Best to consult with a qualified medical physician about these things and be honest with that physician about what's going on with you.

You've been posting here for a year Jenny, and you still have the exact same issues you had a year ago. Nothing has changed. You keep trying to solve your problems the same way - diet and exercise - and for whatever reason, it's an ineffective long term solution for you. AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. It's ok! The difficulty lies in acceptance. No matter what your diet, no matter how hard you exercise, you continue to have the same issues. Sounds like a classic example of "If you keep doing what you've always done then you'll keep getting what you've always got."

Glad to hear you are still in therapy. Sorry that your therapist is kicking your butt. Hope you find serenity soon. Life is too short...

(((hugs)))

Jenny1232

Thanks, not bi-polar though.. borderline. I don't fit the entire criteria for Bi-polar.. but when I came across Borderline Personality Disorder, it was like WOAH, THAT'S ME...

I am in therapy.. and he addresses my issues. He doesn't like labels.. so I dunno. I mean, I could drink everyday and he wouldn't even consider me an alcoholic. He'd help me find my way out. I dunno... my primary doctor is one who gave me anti-anxiety meds.. maybe I wil talk to him about it.

Jenny1232

Oh my goodness.. besides the fact that what you said hurts, I just blogged about that one week ago. I had read my blogs from FOUR years ago.. and guess what.. I'M STILL THE SAME. SAME. SAME. SAME. SAME. I literally just cried to my pitiful self about that, and it's yet another reason I deemed myelf a failure. He it is, blatantly thrown in my face (not an attack or even upset. I like the bluntness of it).

Man.. it just reassures me how badly I suck.. I was really considering asking my primary doctor to prescribe me lexapro. I've taken it in the past.. and I liked it. I want it now.. but my psychotherapist is NOT keen on that idea?

WHAT THE HECK? WHY NOT? I DON'T GET HIM...

isitme

Hi Jenny - I don't know much about your story, but I feel like it may help to read this article by Sandra Brown. If you were in an abusive pathological relationship chances are you have a lot to deal with to heal and recover from that.

There are a ton of good articles here.. check them out!
The Institute's Safe Relationships Magazine

This is the artical I was talking about, it talks about how symptoms from pathological relationships can make you look and feel like you are the one with Boarderline, or Bipolar. Maybe it can bring some compfort to you, so that you know what your going through is actually normal considering the circumstances. Take Care..

When Your Symptoms Look Like Something Else
September 30, 2010 by Sandra Brown
The Institute's Safe Relationships Magazine

Women tell me other therapists have diagnosed them with a variety of diagnosis which has made the women not only confused, but often MAD! They have been diagnosed, for instance with disorders like Bipolar, Borderline Personality Disorder, Paranoia, and other not-so-fun labels.

We recognize that this happens a lot which is why we have instituted a therapist training program so that the therapists can understand what they are seeing in context to what you have experienced. (Therapist trainings are Nov 2010 in LA and January 2011 in FL).

To come to bat for the undertrained therapists, the reason you are being diagnosed with various disorders is because your symptoms are similar to various disorders–they are mimicking true mental health symptoms.

For instance, when your moods are swinging all over the place and you are depressed and anxious, you look Bipolar. When you are cranky, highly reactive and want vengeance you look Borderline. When you are scared about what he will do next, fear you’re being followed, or afraid he is sneaking around to see you do something so he can accuse you, you look paranoid. When you think things are happening that you can’t prove to other people, you look delusional.

The issue is, these are ALL normal reactions to what is called Coercion, Stockholm Syndrome, and your basic prisoners of war, or in other words Aftermath of Pathological Love Relationship. In THAT context, your symptoms make perfect sense! You were coerced, your mind was played with, and you felt stuck and held in a pathological relationship against your own spiritual will. You did fear that your emotional and/or physical existence was in jeopardy. And the pathological DOES do things he never gets caught for and that you can’t prove.

In pathological relationships, women emerge with signs of PTSD, Stockholm Syndrome, and Coercion. Unfortunately, not all therapists understand the overlap between PTSD, Stockholm and Coercion–which is why you are often diagnosed ‘other things.’

The symptoms of Stockholm are:

•Perceived threat to one’s physical or psychological survival and the belief that the captor would carry out the threat.
•Perceived small kindnesses from the captor to the captive.
•Isolation from perspectives other than those of the captor.
•Perceived inability to escape.
(My note: A lot of this was also discussed in the book ‘Women Who Love Psychopaths’ in which I talked about the Pathological World View and how you acquired HIS view of the world and how that entrapped you in the relationship).

In Coercion, these symptoms are:

•Isolation: Deprives individual of social support, effectively rendering her unable to resist.
•Makes individual dependent upon interrogator/captor.
•Victim then develops an intense concern with self.
(My note: This too is discussed in the ‘Women Who Love Psychopaths’ book during the Honeymoon and Luring Stages of the relationship).

Monopolization of Perception: The captor fixes their attention upon immediate predicament; fosters introspection in the victim; eliminates outside competing stimuli with the captor so the victim can only focus on him, he frustrates all actions not consistent with her compliance to him.

(My note: In the mid-relationship dynamics in the book, this is talked about. Your Super Traits are very high in what we call relationship investment and cooperation which means you are highly cooperative because you get so much enjoyment out of your relationships that you will ‘bend over backwards’ to make things work. The book discusses when the mid-relationships ‘shift’ and what happens to the woman’s perspective).

Induced Debility and Exhaustion: People subjected to this type of abuse become worn out by tension, fear and continual rushing about in an effort to meet his standards. They must often avoid displays of fear, sorrow or rage, since these may result in ridicule or punishment. Rigid demands and requirements make the exhaustion and ability to resist even worse.

(My note: All the women who show up at the retreats show up in bodily exhaustion. This too is discussed in the book).

Occasional Indulgences: This provides motivation to her for compliance.

(My note: The TCI test we gave the women show that you test very high in compliance).

Devaluing the Individual: Creates in her a fear of freedom and dependence upon him; creates feelings of helplessness; develops lack of faith in her individual capabilities.

(My note: In the book, women who are doctors can’t remember how to care for themselves, women who are attorneys can’t remember how to file their own restraining order, women who are therapists can’t remember why this is sick behavior….)

When you look at it through the eyes of a mixture of PTSD, Stockholm and Coercion your symptoms make perfect sense…at least to me! While that doesn’t mean you ‘can’t’ also have Bipolar or other disorders—it’s too early to know. Very often much of the symptoms of other disorders fall by the wayside when effective and appropriate treatment is begun. Many of the women do, however, meet the criteria for PTSD. PTSD is most associated with war vets (and yes, you too lived through a war!) and trauma victims (yes, you were traumatized)! To that end, you probably do have a disorder but it is related to PTSD or other Acute Stress Disorders.

Our hope is that as we train more therapists we will help you most by making available effective and knowledgeable help for what you have lived through and stop the erroneous diagnosing so often associated with you and your symptoms.

For now though, if you cannot locate a therapist, we do offer phone sessions, tele-support groups, Retreats, and one last 1:1 Intensive Session with Sandra Oct 4-8th.

Be hopeful that what you live with today in symptoms may not always be as problematic as it is in your current life. There is hope and healing available!

Thumper

Oh I'm sorry - I got that wrong.

At this point a second opinion might be in order from someone that can take a look at everything you have going on, your history, etc. A psychiatrist. Your primary doctor might be able to refer you.

You have choices at each stage. You never have to accept medication if you do not want to but even cognitive therapy will be more beneficial if you have focus.

I also want to assure you I am not a mental health professional and I'm not trying to insinuate you have a mental illness. I'm just going off your concern.

Cognitive therapy will not fix a chemical imbalance in the brain any better then it will fix diabetes. IMO, it is something that you should explore since you are both concerned and stuck in your progress, and if it isn't there - great, and if it is, you can make more informed decisions with regards to your therapy.

hello-kitty

YOU DON'T SUCK!!!

That's the disease talking! That is what keeps you stuck.

You are a beautiful person.

And I apologize if I was harsh and that it hurt you to read that. I do. Maybe I was out of line but I'm not much of a candy coater when it comes to the things I see on here. It's not candy and I don't think coating it as such does anyone any good. I hate seeing you/reading about you going through this over and over and over and over...

1SweetGirl

Hi Jenny-

I too know where you're coming from. I just left a 4 year relationship with an active alcoholic.

I did and still do feel the anger/resentment you feel. I would wake up in the morning angry. SO angry and didn't know why. My therapist told me told me it's all related to the XABF. Unfortunately, my mom and sister caught the brunt of my anger instead of the ex.

He chose alcohol over me. Over "us". He would verbally abuse me from time to time. He kicked one of my dogs on two occassions and flipped the 50 pound lab over on her back while walking her because she wasn't "walking right" on the leash.

He used to pinch me and poke me so hard, he'd leave bruises or me in tears. He even poked me with the tip of cooking knives, steak knives and forks because in his sick little mind, "It's funny". He eventually wound on cheating on me. Left him. He begged to come back and I let him. Found out he was emailing different women asking them for their cell phone numbers so he could "drunk dial" them. Calling them hot, pretty etc. (I never once had him call me anything nice like that)

I'm seeing a therapist and going to Al-ANON. Both have helped me tremendously. I'm on the road to my recovery.

Look into AL-Anon and a therapist if your not already doing that.

HUGS to you. Everyone on here has been or is in the position you're currently in. Everyone here is so supportive and give great advice and words of wisdom.

Phoenixthebird

Jenny, if we want to feel truly alive and open to life’s opportunities we need to look carefully at our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. We are taught in our western culture to think in terms of pieces of ideas or concepts rather than integrated complete ideas and concepts. We look at our bodies, minds, emotions and spirit as if each part is fully separate from the other rather than totally intertwined.

Western society rewards specialization, the examination of a piece of the whole. We believe we can take things apart into small pieces and deal with these small pieces in isolation of the complete idea or concept. This fragmented approach has lead us to look at health in a compartmentalized manner rather than as the management of a totality.

Our body, emotion, mind, energy body and soul together form the whole person. It is only by dealing with each part of the whole within the whole, that we can have vital and energetic health. We need to identify our shortcomings and make those changes we need so that we are truly vibrating at the highest level and enjoying life to the fullest.

*******************************:day6************** *****************

Jenny1232

Thank you for the information, isitme. Where can I locate the book, "women who love psychopaths?"

Actually, the scary part of all this to me is my behavior for as long as I can remember. I may be experiencing everything you mentioned, just through a crappy childhood. I've been in and out of psychiatrists, therapists, treatment center, etc for what seems like FOREVER... probably age 14-15 are when the signs really started appearing. I've been told I display bi-polar, depression, mood disorder, etc. None of that really matters though. I just know how I feel, and I do not approve.

I do know my last relationship really did me in.. but in a weird turn of events, I'm stronger now than I have ever been. Since I have sought out serious help, and recognized my own issues, I feel less insane too. I have my mental breakdowns, but I feel like I have a rational side to me for once.. Does that make sense?