OT - Mental Case in need of serious SUPPORT

Old 12-02-2010, 01:34 PM
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Jenny, the therapist you are seeing knows you better than any of us on here, so I would listen to him.
Do you express to him exactly what you express on SR?
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:34 PM
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Wow, so many responses.

Thumper, I really don't get while my psychologist doesn't think medicine is necessary. He's seen nothing good come of me in the past four months, and since I got arrested, taken to court and charged with assault and battery for a dumb (albeit false accusation) while DRUNK. Nope, didn't faze him. Sometimes, I feel like he doesn't take my feelings so seriously. Then I generalize and think about how men are so insensitive in general.. or how no one truly understands my pain. NOT EVEN ME. I may start with anti depressants just because they have worked in the past.

Hello-Kitty, I like the truth. Too many people sugar coat things far too often. I appreciate it, so thank you. It is sad and it is true. Somethings really got to give with me. I've reverted back into bulimic behavior, again.. which SCARES ME. I just feel so damn out of control.. and try as I might.. I can't get it right.

1sweetgirl, your story saddens me. I'm just so happy you got away. I can imagine it would make you feel so 'little' and insignificant...

Too be honest, most of the resentment I harbor is for my parents. I do not hold a grudge against Billy (the sociopathic ex). I am so freakin' pissed at the way my parents raised me. All the crappy things they did and still do. We get along so well, but how I resent them BOTH so much. It's too much to even get into.. and it's not even that sad of a story, but to me, it's devastating and I feel like a small girl.. all the time. So little, so unimportant in this world. They never showed me the way. Never. Not once. THey never praised me or said I love you. *sighs*

Phoenix
, damn you are an intellectual one! Thank you for opening my eyes.
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:36 PM
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It makes perfect sense to me. I often feel like I'm totally off my rocker, but that's probably because I'm still living in a less than steller situation. But yet when I look at "what's wrong with me" I have all the text book answers. I just can't seem to put them into action. I'm working on detachment right now.

This is the link to the e-book version of Women Who Love Pyschopaths, But there are also a print version.
The Institute's Safe Relationships Magazine

There is another good article about doing the same things over and over again.. it was me to a T! I'll look for it if you are interested.
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:43 PM
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It's tough to walk around holding in resentments about childhood. It's bound to make us sick. It sure made me sick. I turned to drugs and alcohol. As a teenager it was fun, games and rebellion against my parents. But as an adult - yowza! I became a crack addict.

Lesson learned: The coping methods I used in childhood (like partying to blow off steam) did not work when I became an adult.

At some point I had to accept that no matter how horrible my parents were and no matter how ineffective they were as my parents, I was responsible for the bad choices I was making in my life. That's when I grew up. I figured out I couldn't blame my parents anymore for my screwed up life of my own making. Unfortunately some people never get that... Hopefully your therapy will help with that.

And please be careful with the eating disorder! Not to be an insensitive beyatch, but that's gonna take you down so fast sweetie pie. Like crack did me.
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
Jenny, the therapist you are seeing knows you better than any of us on here, so I would listen to him.
Do you express to him exactly what you express on SR?
Actually, I would say the long-term members who have helped me here would know me better than he does.. I probably say more to you guys than him. I am not good with face-to-face interaction. I can only express myself through writing...
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232 View Post
Actually, I would say the long-term members who have helped me here would know me better than he does.. I probably say more to you guys than him. I am not good with face-to-face interaction. I can only express myself through writing...
Then he's not privy to your reality and cannot make a proper diagnosis.
Maybe it's time to really let him know your true feelings so he can treat the way he was trained to.
I know it's scary to talk to someone about your truths, but your worth every scary moment so you can get well.
You DO have the capabilities to get well. You're VERY aware of your issues and I can see you want to get well.

hugs and we're here for you
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Old 12-02-2010, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
It's tough to walk around holding in resentments about childhood. It's bound to make us sick. It sure made me sick. I turned to drugs and alcohol. As a teenager it was fun, games and rebellion against my parents. But as an adult - yowza! I became a crack addict.

Lesson learned: The coping methods I used in childhood (like partying to blow off steam) did not work when I became an adult.

At some point I had to accept that no matter how horrible my parents were and no matter how ineffective they were as my parents, I was responsible for the bad choices I was making in my life. That's when I grew up. I figured out I couldn't blame my parents anymore for my screwed up life of my own making. Unfortunately some people never get that... Hopefully your therapy will help with that.

And please be careful with the eating disorder! Not to be an insensitive beyatch, but that's gonna take you down so fast sweetie pie. Like crack did me.
You know.. I don't feel like I make really bad choices. I do from time to time, but in general I am a pretty responsible person. I bought and paid off my first car, brand new at 18. I pay all my bills, never missed a payment. I go to work everyday and do not call out sick. I stick with school and attend all classes. I never skip therapy sessions, etc. I don't do drugs.. and I try to monitor my drinking. I think all-in-all, I'm doing alright.

It's the thoughts that get me. The behaviors caused by intense emotions. Behaviors such as crying, screaming, begging, panic attacks and sobbing like a baby waiting to be held. That is where I feel so low. I just break down and I become a little girl. My thoughts are SO distorted. I am trying to challenge and change this, and I'm failing there.

Does that make sense too?
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Old 12-02-2010, 02:07 PM
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Jenny, girl you know I love ya' so you know you're not alone. You know what you need to do and when you're ready, you will. Your job is to just keep breathing. And find that ONE thing that keeps you looking forward, keeps you looking toward tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

What really helps me is to have a plan for my life. And to make plans. Just get a piece of paper and start writing down years and dates and things you'd like to do by those dates. Make short term plans and long term plans. Dream of places you've never been. Know what I like to do? Go to the library and get DK books. No, not Donkey Kong books, Dorling Kindersley place / travel books. They have loads of pictures that just make you want to visit those places.

Also, don't diagnose yourself. I tend to do that too, google psych diagnoses and think they're ALL me. That sure gets me thinking I am surely NUTS. Remember, you're probably not those things and only a dr can diagnose mental illnesses.

Give yourself a break. Remember, it's winter and winter brings on depression. So take care of yourself. I take vitamin D in the winter.

(((hugs))) Jenny
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Old 12-02-2010, 02:15 PM
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"It's the thoughts that get me. The behaviors caused by intense emotions. Behaviors such as crying, screaming, begging, panic attacks and sobbing like a baby waiting to be held. That is where I feel so low. I just break down and I become a little girl. My thoughts are SO distorted. I am trying to challenge and change this, and I'm failing there.

Does that make sense too?"

Yes. Makes total sense to me. Sounds like me years ago. Ask yourself, WHEN and WITH WHOM do I get like this? What exact situations cause me to be like this?
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Old 12-02-2010, 02:38 PM
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Can't encourage you enough to share everything, and I mean everything, with your therapist. He cannot do his job properly if you don't. I have strong feeling that this will be the thing that helps you get unstuck. Therapists cannot help people who don't open up to them.

I know it's scary, believe me. I had some unbelievably scary moments in therapy. But, I'm so grateful for having that person and that place to help me through the fear. It made such a difference in my life.

L
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Old 12-02-2010, 03:00 PM
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Thanks LTD

I am battling those feelings myself. I am afraid of the ugliness and I am ashamed about many of my acts. But these people have seen EVERYTHING. Often they have treated ppl in prison, murderers etc so I guess I am an "easy case" compared to that........ but boy is it difficult to admit your feelings and errors to someone else...... I also battle those feelings... and perhaps as you say, if you express yourself better in writing (the same happens to me) perhaps you can email the therapist or write him a letter.... it may sound ridiculous but the point is to get things out of your system... I may try the same as well.. writing them is better than not sharing them at all IMHO.

FYI I cried for months and was a ZOMBIE but life is getting better slowly and as LTD said in the past, when you start taking life as an adventure then it starts getting better and you are able to take surprises less seriously and yourself less seriously.. like watching a movie and thinking the character is quite interesting and wondering what she'll achieve next.. or what she is going to cry, rant,. etc about next.. LOL anyway if you are going through a therapy process then it WILL be a rocky road but we are working for the payoffs that will show themselves later.

My objective is clear, indifference and letting go of people that have hurt me (TRUE letting go from my heart) and achieving inner peace, so as long as I remember my own goal then I have to do the hard work, no way around that. What is your goal in the long run??

Keep moving forward! (Sometimes it doesn't feel like we are moving forward but we are!)
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Old 12-02-2010, 03:56 PM
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Sometimes things would come to me during the week, between therapy sessions. I didn't want to forget those things, so I would write them down. Many times our session started off with me reading out loud the notes I had written during the week about issues I wanted to address.

If writing works better for you than talking, then by all means, write! There is no right or wrong way to do this. It's all about your life and your future. Do whatever works for you.

L
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Old 12-02-2010, 04:30 PM
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Hi Jen,

So sorry you are hurting. Know that so many of us have been in very dark places as well and have come through the other side. Just remember that people who have been in abusive relationships experience trauma. Trauma from abuse can really be hard to define because it can be triggered in some very remote ways and can trigger episodes that you are experiencing right now. Your openness and frankness is a sign of someone who really will be able to work through it with time, the RIGHT therapist (and meds) if needed. But just remember that so many of us (myself included) have felt what you are feeling right now. I'm glad you posted here actually. When I was in those hard places, reaching out and connecting really can make a difference and help relieve your anxiety.

Keep talking
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Old 12-02-2010, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232 View Post
Thank you for the information, isitme. Where can I locate the book, "women who love psychopaths?"

Actually, the scary part of all this to me is my behavior for as long as I can remember. I may be experiencing everything you mentioned, just through a crappy childhood. I've been in and out of psychiatrists, therapists, treatment center, etc for what seems like FOREVER... probably age 14-15 are when the signs really started appearing. I've been told I display bi-polar, depression, mood disorder, etc. None of that really matters though. I just know how I feel, and I do not approve.

I do know my last relationship really did me in.. but in a weird turn of events, I'm stronger now than I have ever been. Since I have sought out serious help, and recognized my own issues, I feel less insane too. I have my mental breakdowns, but I feel like I have a rational side to me for once.. Does that make sense?
(((Jenny)))

This makes real sense to me. I think i can hear ,in what you say, that you are getting in touch with your feelings. I wonder, if your family did not express things, could it be that you are breaking out of that prison that they existed in?

I dont think that it is crazy, to be hurt by someone and to miss the other person, who was not good to you, but who did profess to love and need you. I think that makes total sense. it just is sad, but I have done that too. it is not weird.

perhaps you are judging yourself as weird, but you dont realize that most people feel so many of the same things. your family did not let you learn this, maybe?

you are far too hard on yourself, for things that are not weird, but are part of being human. we are complex, and lots of times we dont make a lot of sense,but learning to deal with our mistakes and faults is part of growing.
hopefully we all can do that. but it is not easy, and especially if, like in my family, you dont learn how to feel or even how to know what you feel.

i am hoping that you can feel that you are not so different, just maybe you are blown away by the things that others may have an easier time to accept. no one is perfect, and you dont have to be.

you are not bad, or weird, or nutty, i just hope that you see how important taking care of yourself is right now. be gentle with yourself. you are beautiful as you are , and you are right where God wants you to be. it must be hard to have all these feelings of negativity. breathe....

when you said that you went off on this new guy, i wondered if he was just not right for you, and you just had to reach a boiling point before you could express what you felt. not everyone is going to be the right one- it may take a while before you meet the one who is good for you. and taking care of you is the most important thing in the world. you have a lot of anger to deall with and that is ok- it should come out and be resolved and understood.
i hope that i am not too far off, and that i have not over stepped a boundary by sharing what i feel you are saying. i may be all wrong.
you gotta love you, and take care of you- we care!!

hugs, chicory

Last edited by chicory; 12-02-2010 at 05:19 PM. Reason: smilie in wrong place
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Old 12-02-2010, 05:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Jenny1232 View Post
Actually, I would say the long-term members who have helped me here would know me better than he does.. I probably say more to you guys than him. I am not good with face-to-face interaction. I can only express myself through writing...
Hi, Jenny, I haven't read through the rest of the posts here yet. In case I forget as I read the rest, I really wanted to mention this: If you truly feel more comfortable with expressing some of the things you're experiencing through writing, you might consider asking him if you can bring your journal/writing in to him to read, so he'll know what you want/need to discuss.

Hugs, Jenny.
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Old 12-02-2010, 05:37 PM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Jenny, girl you know I love ya' so you know you're not alone. You know what you need to do and when you're ready, you will. Your job is to just keep breathing. And find that ONE thing that keeps you looking forward, keeps you looking toward tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that.

What really helps me is to have a plan for my life. And to make plans. Just get a piece of paper and start writing down years and dates and things you'd like to do by those dates. Make short term plans and long term plans. Dream of places you've never been. Know what I like to do? Go to the library and get DK books. No, not Donkey Kong books, Dorling Kindersley place / travel books. They have loads of pictures that just make you want to visit those places.

(((hugs))) Jenny
My goodness L2L, I think we're twin flames, soul mates, something. You know what I have been spending a lot of my time doing? DAY DREAMING OF MY DREAM VACATIONS? I've been exploring islands in the carribean and various places throughout the U.S. that I can make happen! WOW, you just blow me away mostly every time!

I love you too, thank you for your advice. It all means the world to me. I am trying to incorporate some life plan. I will do what you have suggested... I have ideas about what I want to do.... but, I often doubt myself. I mean, I come from "white trash". I really hate to say that, but, I mean, it's kind of true. The thing is, no one in my family is educated. We don't communicate. They drink. They go to bars. Blue collar jobs.. Isn't that my fate, genetically? I feel like i do not have the brain capacity to do anything that requires intellect. My entire life I have been told how stupid I am... and I believe it... I try and convince myself otherwise, but on a constant basis people talk about things, and I'm absolutely CLUELESS.. and they're shocked I don't know the answer... I must be dumb, ignorant, uneducated, stupid, etc.

I read, read, read, read, read... and I DO NOT RETAIN. I have NO idea why either.

My dad is talking to me, I will resume this soon.
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:01 PM
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I am totally blown away by these responses! You are helping IMMENSELY.

"perhaps you are judging yourself as weird, but you dont realize that most people feel so many of the same things. your family did not let you learn this, maybe?"

That sentence totally stuck out with me! I feel like I learned nothing from my parents.. except chaos and despair. I can't stress how terrible and guilty I feel even saying that. I have gone into some of this with my therapist. I usually end up crying every single time, so we haven't gotten too far. I have written him an email before too, which he didn't mind.. I just didn't get much feedback. As much as I like him, I feel invalidated at times. He really doesn't seem to get my pain.. and it's like he thinks I am h0nkey dorey.

I mean.. you guys make me feel normal. I really feel SO silly for having and saying these feelings outloud. People don't go around talking about their feelings all the time.. at least not around me.. so it's just so weird. It does make me feel nutty. I mean, it's what I've been told.

As for the new guy... it was FEAR that made me unable to talk to him. I woke up this morning and a text said, "Hey hun, feeling better?". I WAS SHOCKED. He said I could talk to him about ANYTHING and he wouldn't judge me.. and he hasn't. Fear keeps my stuck, going nowhere.

NYCD, to each their own. I feel like when I talk about how I feel drinking, it is the absolute truth. I am truly impaired with my communication skills, unless I'm drunk... Do not take that as any indication that I drink to express myself.. because that is not what I am getting at at all. I think don't think what I said should be discredited because I drank. It was my raw feelings.. me at my core.
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:11 PM
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Chicory, your response really spoke to me. In fact, everything you said is what new guy says to me. He keeps saying how hard on myself I am.. and it makes me even more scared he will run, because I'm not a confident woman... Either way, I'm so not ready for anyone. He's sooo different. When I spoke to him, I braced myself. I was waiting for him to attack me, call me names, manipulate me.. He did none of that. He listened to me, he told me he was sorry I felt that way and he had no intentions of hurting me. He said he wasn't there to judge me. WHAT THE HECK? That's sooo unusual for me. I am afraid I will ruin any chance at a healthy relationship, because I have no idea how to stop being so hard on myself. God, thank you for understanding me..

L2L, as I was saying.. I just don't know how to maintain some idea of a long-term goal. I mean, I love psychology and I love finances. Those are my two passions... But, I do not feel I will be able to succeed in either field. Not too mention, my brain is always so fuzzy. I cannot focus, and I'm always SO tired. I just lose control too often. I feel so helpless.. I feel like I'm fooling myself if I even imagine what could become of me.. then, I'll just let myself down.

Thanks for letting me vent. I needed to get this out SO badly.
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:22 PM
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[QUOTE=Jenny1232;2785335]I am totally blown away by these responses! You are helping IMMENSELY.

"perhaps you are judging yourself as weird, but you dont realize that most people feel so many of the same things. your family did not let you learn this, maybe?"



I really feel SO silly for having and saying these feelings outloud. People don't go around talking about their feelings all the time.. at least not around me.. so it's just so weird. It does make me feel nutty. I mean, it's what I've been told.
Jenny- people who never got a chance to learn how to accept the feeling part of themselves need to express it, to learn. and what better place than here, where we are all learning about something or another.

J
As for the new guy... it was FEAR that made me unable to talk to him. I woke up this morning and a text said, "Hey hun, feeling better?". I WAS SHOCKED. He said I could talk to him about ANYTHING and he wouldn't judge me.. and he hasn't. Fear keeps my stuck, going nowhere.
There have been times when i expressed myself about something, and felt so guilty after, and then later found out that it was perfectly fine for me to do so. i was the one who felt so "exposed" and uncomfortable and no one else thought any thing of it. we have these emotions for a purpose. and learning how to express them appropriately should be taught by parents, but sometimes, sadly, they arent able to do so. then, we gotta learn the hard way-

i hope that you might think about writing and sharing a journal as was suggested. if you dont feel that your therapist is helping, tell him. maybe therapy works in a way that we dont see right off? i dont know.
hugs
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Old 12-02-2010, 06:28 PM
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I definitely feel like my therapist helps, a lot.. Just like you said, in a different manor. I think it's a really good idea to journal. I will see if he likes that idea.. well, I'd almost rather 'email' him.. because discussing in person will be too embarrassing for me. He's a highly skilled, high costing psychologist.. and he cut me a KILLER deal with no insurance because he said he could see I truly wanted help. He's become a godsend to me, and now I don't feel worthy of his time. It's just weird.. and damn it's hard talking outloud.

One of the most depressing things to me.. is I have to educate myself on how to handle myself. I want to educate myself on other things, but I feel like I don't have the time. It seems like in ALL my spare time I need to learn about WHO I am, Why I am this way, and HOW I can change... It consumes me entirely.. and it kind of sucks. I used to read for pleasure.. now, I only read for the sole purpose of learning about me.
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