TakingCharge999

Here I go ranting once again.. its like I am taking 3295815 steps backward.
I am afraid of going to the coffee break room for fear of running into XABF or overhearing him.
Then I said "no, WTF, I am thirsty who cares"
So I walk along and of course he is laughing his a$$ off.

I wonder if he has ANY work to do??
So I work a FREE MONTH of overtime and he does nothing but he still is paid more than I do. WHY.

I had to pass just infront of him.
Thank God I got myopia and am not wearing the contacts today - I see very blurry.
At least now I am angry and not sad.
Very angry at him and at myself.

He is an a$$hole. WTF was I thinking???? he is the same idiot he has always been with the same idiot laugh.
There. I said it.

And WTF do I still feel encaged in my cubicle room ??? and in my life ??

I am going to therapy weekly and group therapy monthly. Reading all about self worth, Melody Beatty and I still feel so stuck..... my therapy homework is to write a letter to XABF, today seems the correct day to do it.

I would like to move somewhere else and my therapist says my job is a good job, it would be great if I stayed and bought a home in this city -at almot 29 I own nothing but an old car!- and deal with my trash and that others have reached indifference and that I can reach it, too. And that one day I will feel totally aloof and won't even give him a single thought or a single second of my life. 2 years and counting already of this same dynamic!!

Well I guess I didn't reach bottom from one day to the other and a long time will pass before I feel better but there are some days like this... and NOT going to kickboxing is not helping.

Thanks for letting me vent and rant over and over...

LaTeeDa

TC,

I think none of this has to do with him.

I found myself going through phases where I felt great, and then I would feel totally stuck and exasperated and think I had slipped back. This went on for quite some time before it dawned on me--it was hormones. Monthly cycle.

I hope this is not too personal. Try paying attention to the timing of these phases. It's entirely possible it could be physical and have nothing at all to do with him, or recovery, or lack of.........

Just a thought,
L

TakingCharge999

Thanks LTD! I feel better just writing it somewhere and realizing the world is not over "even" if I feel these things

And given I have not expressed anger AT ALL maybe its a step forward I'm finally opening that can of worms. Had an intense therapy session on SAT and need to continue on Friday, perhaps its all that stuff that I got so fresh.

I feel like an idiot when the therapist is trying to push me into yelling, insulting, 'hitting' people who have hurt me with a pillow and I just sit there crying without being able to VOICE my indignation.

I feel it has to do with the abandonment at 3 and how I didn't have words to express the feelings I had. Perhaps I need to wake up to the fact I'm an ADULT now...

I am so angry for dragging my daddy issues, XABF for so much time and if I think of what I could have done with my life instead of feeling sorry for myself and losing my time with LOSERS I feel so angryyyyyyyyyyyyy and in debt with myself.


The funny thing is that I got Implanon so I am like a boy without any cycles etc... but well perhaps its also something related to it.... need to run through the HALT rule...

At least I am doing another one of my pending tasks which is "ask for help" and stop relying so much in S, so a coworker (the one who introduced me to S) is giving me a lift and helping me get some stuff to my new apartment.. so.. at least I am getting out of my cave this afternoon.

Thanks for letting me vent about this stuff.

Oh, oh- I get it- there has been another trigger, a guy who has given me lifts these last days- on Sat morning he was still kind of drunk or with a hangover, told me "he as a guy" could tell guys don't give a damn about anything and are very happy and he kept checking out women on the street. Ugh.

Good news is perhaps I get my car back this weekend and no more putting up with such words or behaviors. And to think that guy has a GIRLFRIEND. I feel for her!! he also criticized my "more or less vegan lifestyle"... sheesh. Now I remember why I went NC with him. Hey! perhaps I even WALK... but then I get harrased on the street... UGH talk about hostile environments.

I miss my car and my music
Thanks again for being out there and getting how it feels.

theuncertainty

Hugs, TC. Remember that even if it feels like you're going backwards, you never really are. You have tools and support now that you didn't have earlier. If anything, I think of my recovery as a path that can do some pretty crazy loops; it's never a straight path - or at least not usually - some loops bring me back to an area I think I've already been at, maybe several times, but I'm really farther along than I was.

I don't know how you do it working with him. If I had to see STBXAH every day at work, I truly think I'd have had a nervous break down by now. You are incredibly strong!

Learn2Live

There are just some guys in my past who I would still likely react to the same way if I were to engage with them again. Being with them when I was with them made me feel crazy, unsure, invalidated, hurt, among other things. And that never changed. And likely never will. And I know it was not me. It was US. The dynamic between us just didn't work and made me sick. And thinking about them, seeing them, or otherwise remembering them is just not good for me. Because it takes me back to that place where I don't want to be.

You are 29 TC. My life did not even BEGIN, my eyes had not even OPENED, until I turned 30. I think there are great and wonderful things ahead of you, and especially in this next year.

TakingCharge999

Thank you very much. I read your posts yesterday and I cried, but couldn't respond. LOL talk about an emotional MESS! I felt understood... thanks very much for your comments especially yours L2L, you gave me hope! 2008 sucked, 2009 sucked a little bit less and this year I was able to find many moments where I truly enjoyed my own life so that gave me some perspective.

Perhaps its ok I still feel stuff, to keep motivated and keep on with the therapy exercises. I mean HP sent me to LIVE with the therapist. That way I can't run away anymore .... I guess HP wants me to be happy for real, happy as in "content with who I am NOW and what I feel NOW" and still able to be grateful and remember HALT and try to be someone with good vibes as there are enough sick people out there.... thanks... today I am that person again. Whew! made it back

I don't know what I would do without the yoga exercises!! I am realizing HP also sends you the tools and the people so you can move forward. The other day in a therapy exercise I visualized and felt some lights on my way, and realized those are "spiritual companions"... I felt so much love and tenderness towards myself I cried and cried. Wow...

Hugs all!!

Live

TC, I never did get to the place where I could yell and pound pillows and curse in front of my therapist. Especially about older, past stuff.

Altho' there was one day last year when I went on a pretty loud rant about my dr at the time!
and didn't care if he was on the other side of that thin wall! LOL

I couldn't be around the x's so often either. and if I had to, I would be taking some friends with me for super support!

TakingCharge999

Sometimes its more difficult when you have already done "some" therapy work or cried it A LOT, sometimes I don't feel that angry or hurt anymore but then I am asked to "get it out" and then is when I wish I would have asked for help when I was really really sad and it was so raw. Oh Well !!!

On an unrelated note, I was worried about my car, and these days that I have to move some stuff... turns out a coworker with a jeep will be out on vacation and asked me to take him to the airport.. and I can use his car to move out I was afraid of asking for help and now I am getting a jeep for free for the weekend with good music. May this be a lesson for me abt all the good things I can receive if I open my arms A LITTLE..

Kassie2

I too have to see my estrangedAH at work daily. Many days I go in feeling pretty good and then I see him or hear him and the c*** gets to me.

I get to hear from others how wonderful he is and how helpful etc... comments used to get to me but not anymore. I know what he is like outside and no matter how he acts at work, I know how he acted around me outside of work. It doesn't change the truth.

That laugh... mine has one too - when I heard it I knew what came next and so when I hear it at work, I pray for him and the people who will see his other side.

I think it is hard to forget and move forward when you have to see each other daily, but it does get easier. I was withdrawn the first year. This year I am half and half, and next year I imagine I will be my old self.

The hardest part for me is to practice letting go of what he is doing, what he is telling others, why he isn't at work today, or why can't he work this through with me. But again, it gets easier with practice.

Learn2Live

I sometimes still see ex passive-aggressive (but not alcoholic) BF at work and want to cry immediately. I don't know why. Maybe it was all the torture I went through being with him. He was the most cruel of all the exes, and he was SOBER! I thought for sure he must be a sociopath but I'm no doctor so who knows? Best to avoid those people as much as possible.

I'm looking forward to the new year too TC. 2009 was horrible, I spent it depressed and 2010 has been very tough. I am hoping 2011 is going to shine some bright light on all of us. And I agree with you TC on this:

I went to the library today and got some books on trauma recovery, all because some folks here were kind enough to share what they had done. I'm so grateful.