pattyspaw

it has been a while since I logged on and read posts, it gives me hope; I want this to be my last day 1 and know that I need to get to a meeting and speak up, I have been avoiding it as I know once I take that step there's no going back; anyone care to share their experience on finding the courage to take the next step

Kadybug

Hi, and welcome -
My first big step came in the form of being honest - with my peers, with my group, with my family, but most of all with myself. It was a tough thing to do, with all the others - and horrifying to do with myself; but I can say with all sincerity that it definitely got me going in the right direction. I had been dishonest with myself about my feelings and my drinking for so long, and had repressed so many things I had done or said while drinking, that I felt absolutely and completely exposed.

As for courage? It takes courage to admit that you've been wrong, that you've done things you aren't proud of, and ultimate courage to want to change. Change is the scariest thing I've ever done, but it is sure worth it!

coffeenut

Welcome back, Patty.

Keep reading and posting. And, keep coming back.

Isaiah

One thing that troubled me that I had to work through was a bit of self-delusion. I told myself that I just needed to build up courage, but what I really wanted was for the fear to just go away. Without fear there is no such thing as courage, so if it's courage you want then some fear has to stay.

You might also take the significance of the meeting down a notch. Going back to a meeting with your head up would be a very strong and symbolic gesture. But if the "no turning back" is keeping you back, I might change that thought. It might be the first step on a long path, but in the most realistic sense one meeting is only the start. It'll be a day-to-day fight to keep yourself from turning back, not this one meeting alone.

least

I too had to get honest with myself and take a good hard look at my life and what I was becoming due to drinking. At first (after my last LAST relapse) I was staying sober out of fear and sheer stubbornness, but knew that approach wouldn't keep me sober. My next step was finding something positive to fill the void left by quitting drinking. I found success in gratitude and kindness to others. By expressing my gratitude I found more things to be grateful for, and by doing kindnesses to others, I found that I became a happier person. Not to mention, being grateful made me want to stay sober!

pattyspaw

thanks all for the support and words of wisdom; today is the beginning of day 2, I didn't sleep much last night, couldn't turn of the brain; I've made it 3 days several times recently out of determination, but I know I have to get to some meetings and find a place where I feel I belong; I've spent too much time lost

Dee74

Welcome back PP

D

Horselover

Welcome back and please do take the next step. You will be glad you did. A face to face group can definitely help and SR can too.

Anna

Patty, I don't use AA, but I KNOW that in early recovery I had to take a leap of faith. I had to reach down deep and find the smallest bit of hope that I had left and cling to it. It might sound simplistic, but when I decided drinking was no longer an option, my mind began to work in better and healthier ways.

pattyspaw

day 2 is coming to a close, I made it home from work without buying any booze and getting ready to eat some turkey day left overs and watch some tv before going to bed and reading, I am trying to keep my thoughts off of tomorrow and focus on the here and now; thanks all

Itchy

Patty I use AA and SR. Just check online for your local AA district website and they should have a list of all the meetings and where/what time. I just listened my first time and when they asked me back at the end after the meeting I said maybe I would come back and maybe I wouldn't. Well I did and glad I did. I was still uncomfortable for my first three meetings but shared on my second. It is unbelievable to have a face to face sharing like here, with no fear of judgement. Just to be myself, an alcoholic, with others who share my hometown and life/culture. They have become my new sober friends along with my family here.

If you are going to give them a try, try several until you feel one has what you want. Then give that one at least three meetings. If you are lucky and find a great small home group like I did it goes a long way to being successful for me.

I look forward to your posts and progress.

pattyspaw

thanks Itchy, I know some meetings already I am comfortable with; I am on day 1 again; I am noticing a pattern, when I read posts on SR and post myself I have more courage to do the right thing; so I'm going to try to make sure I reach out daily to SR and sober friends to keep me strong; thanks to all for being here

Dee74

you can do this Patty!

D

pattyspaw

I slipped and drank last night, but something feels different today; I didn't spend the whole day beating myself up and doing all the negative self talk I've done in the past that leads to another night of drinking and another day of self pity; I actually worked on changing the negative self talk to positive and I'm more hopeful than in the past; I know it's not going to be easy but I can do this; some of the positive things that I have come up with are things I can do with the money I'll save and how I can get involved in living again instead of just getting by; I'm meeting a friend for dinner and some line dancing Friday evening, then I plan to go to a meeting afterward; there is life after alcohol

SwanSong

Glad to hear you're giving sobriety another shot!!

BornAgain2Day

It is great you feel the need to change. Without you, there can be no change. If you want to get sober you WILL have to work towards it. But I have found that working towards soberity is a way better feeling than being drunk every night!!!

DK

Itchy

pattyspaw,
I know you can do it and so do you. Sounds trite right? I did what you did over and over but I never made it through a morning let alone a day. I would say today I have to quit, and have my first cup of coffee without scotch. Then by the second cup I figured that tomorrow was a good time to start, and poured a double shot in it. This at 8 AM. Can't drink Irish coffees all day so I'd switch to beer and drink all day and swear tommorow was the day.

I knew if I could just detox I could make it from there. So I tried something different and made arrangements to detox in the hospital. They told me to check in any Tuesday through Thursday. I also had a 28 day rehab lined up just after. Since I have a home and a significant harrassment, it took me two weeks to get my things in order for a month plus absence. I needed to tell my two grown sons and my best friends and family here and across the country what I was doing, and ask them to wish me luck. I checked into the VA hospital, and seven days later with no pain I was detoxed. I felt so much better it has been a steady high on life kind of feeling. See I also quit smoking a three pack a day habit the same day. I figured why waste a perfectly good detox on just one of my two killing habits? I have 72 days now and it just keeps getting better. Yes I do AA and had counseling. I did quit rehab after two days as I was keeping a bed from someone who might need it more than me.

My point in that ramble is that after doing the same thing over and over that never worked for me, and expecting (insanely) that the outcome would be different, I did several different things. I later found out it was called a recovery plan. It is working so far just great. Hey I was new to recovery, didn't know the ropes and terms. I was simply sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I had a lot of "God shots" along the way, still do.

Find the combination that will work for you, my way isn't the right or only way nor is anybody else's. I do it just one wonderful day at a time, looking forward to the next one. I am rooting for you.

Kmber2010

Glad you are picking up Patty and I think getting support will really help. Only so much we can hope for before we take that courageous step in accepting what we are and reaching out to others.

Keep it going and know that there is a better way but we have to do the work.

pattyspaw

I keep hearing about getting honest with me; I have no control and I drank last night, I am sick and tired of being sick and tired; gotta make a plan and stick with it; please keep me in your prayers and keep posting, it does help me see the way things really are and how they can be;

Isaiah

Honesty is tough. Especially with ourselves. Often the reasons we make for drinking when we want to quit, really dance around the fact that we want to keep drinking. If it's "I'll quit tomorrow" or "I'll just drink half tonight" those are all drinking thoughts spoken as if they weren't. For me honesty meant I had to think in either all or nothing terms with alcohol. It had to be total or it wasn't going to work.

Even though I was dishonest with myself for a long time, I look back and feel more compassionate toward myself now. It wasn't that I was such a seedy liar, but I just had a hope that something like a miracle would come that would help me stop drinking without the anxiety and the doubt and the shame that came with it. I truly wanted to quit, but it took longer before I was ready to accept that it'd be a struggle for a while.

Keep trying. If you feel you gave it a half effort, try harder. If your plan doesn't seem to be working, try another. It's riding a bicycle. Some people get the hang of it quickly and some (like myself) don't. But the only people who cannot get sober are those who don't bother to.

Keep us posted. And remember that everyone sober here got to this place the same way you will.

-Isa