Need Help with my ANGRY Sister!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Orange, Ca
Posts: 4
Need Help with my ANGRY Sister!!!!
Hello All!
I just joined this forum with the hope that someone can help me understand my alcoholic sister.
She went into a recovery center last week as an ultimatum from her husband. She received her second DUI in 3 weeks time. She is very angry and in denial. She blames everything on her husband. She has 2 daughters and seemed like a great marriage. She is a stay at home mom and is very involved with her girls and their activities.
Is this common? I'm sure that some of you have gone through these emotions at some time during your recovery? You might be experiencing them now?
She and I have a great relationship. She tells me of the stresses of running around town, getting the girls to school, soccer, swimming, etc. She seemed to always get wasted every evening these past few months, calling me to vent.
What should I and her husband expect in regard to the stages of emotion?
Happy thanksgiving, and thanks for taking the time to read this.
DEAN
I just joined this forum with the hope that someone can help me understand my alcoholic sister.
She went into a recovery center last week as an ultimatum from her husband. She received her second DUI in 3 weeks time. She is very angry and in denial. She blames everything on her husband. She has 2 daughters and seemed like a great marriage. She is a stay at home mom and is very involved with her girls and their activities.
Is this common? I'm sure that some of you have gone through these emotions at some time during your recovery? You might be experiencing them now?
She and I have a great relationship. She tells me of the stresses of running around town, getting the girls to school, soccer, swimming, etc. She seemed to always get wasted every evening these past few months, calling me to vent.
What should I and her husband expect in regard to the stages of emotion?
Happy thanksgiving, and thanks for taking the time to read this.
DEAN
We all need each other.
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: The road of happy destiny.
Posts: 2,294
Hey there, Dean. Welcome to SR! You've come to the right place. There are a LOT of people here who can help you understand. I, myself, am a recovering alcoholic and I have got an unbelievable amount of support from the people at this site over the years. As far as your sister's anger goes, it is quite possible that she simply isn't ready to get sober yet. Hopefully, treatment will help her begin to understand that she has a problem, but in the meantime, you and her husband need to take care of yourselves. My suggestion would be to head on down to the Friends and Family forum on this site. And maybe even check out an Al-anon meeting?
Keep coming back!
Keep coming back!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Anger, Denial, Bargaining... Eventually, if she recovers, acceptance. It is much like grief, well, in a way it is.
Give her lots of space.
I was really really p1ssed off when I found myself in treatment. That was two years ago. I am looking forward to a great sober holiday season... the anger is gone.
Give her lots of space.
I was really really p1ssed off when I found myself in treatment. That was two years ago. I am looking forward to a great sober holiday season... the anger is gone.
I love this place.
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 329
Originally Posted by 550Deano 
Hello All!
I just joined this forum with the hope that someone can help me understand my alcoholic sister.
DEAN
I just joined this forum with the hope that someone can help me understand my alcoholic sister.
DEAN
There is an entire forum here dedicated for family members of alcoholics here is a link
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I know you will get support everywhere on this site ( I am a newbie and have been welcomed with so much love)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Orange, Ca
Posts: 4
Congrats Mark on your sobriety.
Sad thing is that my Dad and brother are also recovering alcoholics. I am the oldest. Really makes you aware of the problem that a lot of people are experiencing every day.
I'm a Firefighter/Paramedic in So. Cal and witness the effects on people every day at work.
Sad thing is that my Dad and brother are also recovering alcoholics. I am the oldest. Really makes you aware of the problem that a lot of people are experiencing every day.
I'm a Firefighter/Paramedic in So. Cal and witness the effects on people every day at work.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by 550Deano
my Dad and brother are also recovering alcoholics. I am the oldest.
I work in health care and I see it too... But go figure, after all that experience... I was no better prepared than your sister. It happens to the best of us
Happy Thanksgiving... Stand back, give your sister all the room she needs. It's a tough road at first. Prayers to all of you.
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome Dean! Glad you are here. This is a great place to find support. As an alcoholic in recovery--yes, both denial and placing blame on others was pretty common. It was easier for me to do that than take personal responsibility for my own actions. Part of it was that I didn't understand what alcoholism was and that for a long time I didn't want to believe that something like that could happen to me, but it did.
As far as the family, just know that you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--your sister's alcoholism. If she wants help--she has to do what it takes to stay sober. Maybe this rehab will help open her eyes and hopefully get her the chance to focus less on her anger with her family and more on herself and her addiction. The only problem would be if she is just there as part of the ultimatum and doesn't think that she has a problem...which even with multiple DWIs (which most normal people would stop and consider--perhaps after the first one), well the same can't be assumed for the alcoholic. Denial keeps us sick. Hopefully she will be able to learn something useful from this facility, but she has to want to be sober for herself--first and foremost.
Also wanted to mention that we have a Friends and Family forum--Alcoholism here at SR. There you will be able to speak with others that have dealt with similar situations. Just know that you are not alone. There is hope! We do recover.
Also, her husband and yourself could look into Alanon meetings. There they help you deal with what you are going through. It is a support group for family members of addicted loved ones.
As far as the family, just know that you didn't cause it, can't control it, can't cure it--your sister's alcoholism. If she wants help--she has to do what it takes to stay sober. Maybe this rehab will help open her eyes and hopefully get her the chance to focus less on her anger with her family and more on herself and her addiction. The only problem would be if she is just there as part of the ultimatum and doesn't think that she has a problem...which even with multiple DWIs (which most normal people would stop and consider--perhaps after the first one), well the same can't be assumed for the alcoholic. Denial keeps us sick. Hopefully she will be able to learn something useful from this facility, but she has to want to be sober for herself--first and foremost.
Also wanted to mention that we have a Friends and Family forum--Alcoholism here at SR. There you will be able to speak with others that have dealt with similar situations. Just know that you are not alone. There is hope! We do recover.
Also, her husband and yourself could look into Alanon meetings. There they help you deal with what you are going through. It is a support group for family members of addicted loved ones.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Welcome Deano
I can only reiterate what others have said, so I'll just say - good to have you with us.
I was angry for a long time - about my drinking and a lot of other things besides - and all without even realising it...much less acknowledging it.
I hope your sis will find her way to acceptance soon
D
I can only reiterate what others have said, so I'll just say - good to have you with us.
I was angry for a long time - about my drinking and a lot of other things besides - and all without even realising it...much less acknowledging it.
I hope your sis will find her way to acceptance soon
D
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to a wonderful supportive place.
I hope you can come to some understanding of what your sister is going thru. You can support her on her journey to recovery, but she has to want it for herself. I hope she does.
I hope you can come to some understanding of what your sister is going thru. You can support her on her journey to recovery, but she has to want it for herself. I hope she does. Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 73
She tells me of the stresses of running around town, getting the girls to school, soccer, swimming, etcWell, hello there adult child of an alcoholic in addition to siblings. Fun stuff eh? When we say this is a family disease we mean, amongst many things, that each and every family member is affected. Alonon is the place today for you and your brother-n-law. There you'll be surrounded with wisdom, answers to all of your questions and people who have walked your EXACT path.
I quoted this one line from your post as it really strikes a chord with me. I was a Christian stay-at-home mother, ran the Board of Education at our church, volunteered for any posting listed in my children's classrooms, yet, I was feeling all of my self-worth was attached to other's needs. Not an uncommon feeling for moms, especially those of us who stayed home when other moms were out in the career arena getting 'atta-girls' daily. Yet, in retrospect, I think of my circumstance as how dare I sink into a pool of self-pity, with four well funcitoning children, healthy in every aspect, a nice home. How pathetic and selfish of me. But I'm an alocholic and therein I found my identity, MY thing, MY relationship, oh how I loved my chardonay bottle.
IF your sister remains in treatment and it is at least a 28 day program and it offers family group and it is a good program (not all are) she'll likely be transformed while in there. Today, you and her husband focus on yourselves; when she gets out, you can't support her sobriety if your're not well yourself. I write from my own experiences please understand ~ I entered treatment via a family intervention and an ultimatum such as your sister. Keep posting; glad you're here
I quoted this one line from your post as it really strikes a chord with me. I was a Christian stay-at-home mother, ran the Board of Education at our church, volunteered for any posting listed in my children's classrooms, yet, I was feeling all of my self-worth was attached to other's needs. Not an uncommon feeling for moms, especially those of us who stayed home when other moms were out in the career arena getting 'atta-girls' daily. Yet, in retrospect, I think of my circumstance as how dare I sink into a pool of self-pity, with four well funcitoning children, healthy in every aspect, a nice home. How pathetic and selfish of me. But I'm an alocholic and therein I found my identity, MY thing, MY relationship, oh how I loved my chardonay bottle.
IF your sister remains in treatment and it is at least a 28 day program and it offers family group and it is a good program (not all are) she'll likely be transformed while in there. Today, you and her husband focus on yourselves; when she gets out, you can't support her sobriety if your're not well yourself. I write from my own experiences please understand ~ I entered treatment via a family intervention and an ultimatum such as your sister. Keep posting; glad you're here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Italy
Posts: 287
Hi Deano
Try and cut her a bit of slack if you can - this "anger" thing is a biochemical problem. I read this today:
"Over time, the constant demand on the fatigued adrenals to respond to high and low blood sugar levels takes its toll, and the natural ability to physically, emotionally and psychologically handle stress diminishes. When exhausted by continuing demands for epinephrine (adrenalin in europe) and cortisol, the adrenals no longer have the ability to respond properly; they no longer have the ability to protect you from stress. When the adrenals are so weak that they can no longer provide a sufficient supply of stress hormones, you can no longer respond calmly or think clearly in times of difficulty. The result is usually anger, frustration, anxiety or emotional instability. Hypoadrenocorticism combined with the lower inhibitions of alcohol can bring on periods of uncontrollable anger, for which many long term heavy drinkers are well known."
Unfortunately, friends and family are usually at the sharp end of this anger and they will find it extremely difficult to rationalise that it is neither being caused by a character flaw nor by alcohol induced delinquency. This angry behaviour (very short fuse stuff) will not automatically disappear with detox and abstinence. Speak to a medic about how to rebalance her orthomolecular functions following detox whereupon she should miraculously become a loving sister again as she once was before alcohol abuse.
Try and cut her a bit of slack if you can - this "anger" thing is a biochemical problem. I read this today:
"Over time, the constant demand on the fatigued adrenals to respond to high and low blood sugar levels takes its toll, and the natural ability to physically, emotionally and psychologically handle stress diminishes. When exhausted by continuing demands for epinephrine (adrenalin in europe) and cortisol, the adrenals no longer have the ability to respond properly; they no longer have the ability to protect you from stress. When the adrenals are so weak that they can no longer provide a sufficient supply of stress hormones, you can no longer respond calmly or think clearly in times of difficulty. The result is usually anger, frustration, anxiety or emotional instability. Hypoadrenocorticism combined with the lower inhibitions of alcohol can bring on periods of uncontrollable anger, for which many long term heavy drinkers are well known."
Unfortunately, friends and family are usually at the sharp end of this anger and they will find it extremely difficult to rationalise that it is neither being caused by a character flaw nor by alcohol induced delinquency. This angry behaviour (very short fuse stuff) will not automatically disappear with detox and abstinence. Speak to a medic about how to rebalance her orthomolecular functions following detox whereupon she should miraculously become a loving sister again as she once was before alcohol abuse.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Welcome Deano!
As you see, we are truly a family here.
I was SO angry and full of rage when I finally recognized I needed to stop drinking. My anger went in every direction and it took me awhile to realize that I was angry with myself. All the anger was really directed at me for becoming an alcoholic. Once I realized that, I could begin the process of healing and starting to forgive myself.
As you see, we are truly a family here.
I was SO angry and full of rage when I finally recognized I needed to stop drinking. My anger went in every direction and it took me awhile to realize that I was angry with myself. All the anger was really directed at me for becoming an alcoholic. Once I realized that, I could begin the process of healing and starting to forgive myself.
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