Does it really get better?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MA
Posts: 2
Does it really get better?
I found out last Feb. that my husband had been using heroin for a couple of months and supported him in finding a therapist, psychiatrist for depression, and started seeing a marriage counselor with him. I naively thought that by taking control of the family checkbook I was keeping tabs on our financial picture and that he was staying clean. I attributed his behavior for the last 6 months to not having the correct balance of meds for his depression.
I found out yesterday that he relapsed 6 months ago and has been using heroin (and sometimes cocaine) daily. He has blown through our savings by accessing our joint savings/(retirement accts too ?) and signing my name to withdraw $. He enrolled himself in an outpatient treatment program last week and claims he does not need hospitalization - he just needs my love and support - and he needs me or his life is over. I don't know how much more of this I can take. We have 3 kids ages 10, 12, 14 who I need to protect. I need to figure out how to get his name off of our joint assets. I think he needs more help than I can give-not even sure I want to help. I'm so angry, resentful, sad, and lonely, but I want my kids to have a father too...
I found out yesterday that he relapsed 6 months ago and has been using heroin (and sometimes cocaine) daily. He has blown through our savings by accessing our joint savings/(retirement accts too ?) and signing my name to withdraw $. He enrolled himself in an outpatient treatment program last week and claims he does not need hospitalization - he just needs my love and support - and he needs me or his life is over. I don't know how much more of this I can take. We have 3 kids ages 10, 12, 14 who I need to protect. I need to figure out how to get his name off of our joint assets. I think he needs more help than I can give-not even sure I want to help. I'm so angry, resentful, sad, and lonely, but I want my kids to have a father too...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
It sounds like you want the father he CAN be for them, not the father he IS. Active addicts make real crappy parents and role models. Putting those kids and you first would be a good place to start.it sounds like he is pretty far gone for outpatient treatment.Have you been to Al or Naraon?It really helps me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My first thought is to open your own account at another bank and begin moving money into it. Don't order checks unless there's an absolute reason to. Sign a signature card and ask the bank to flag your account, verify all signatures.
It could take up to a year or even longer, for your husbands brain to heal from the damage. There's no telling how long it will take for him to change the habits that contributed to him using.
Please consider a recovery program for yourself, like Alanon or Naranon, continue with your own therapy. I didn't realize how much support and guidance I needed, until I got it.
It could take up to a year or even longer, for your husbands brain to heal from the damage. There's no telling how long it will take for him to change the habits that contributed to him using.
Please consider a recovery program for yourself, like Alanon or Naranon, continue with your own therapy. I didn't realize how much support and guidance I needed, until I got it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
vista, I went through the same thing..the first thing I did was go to the post office and open a PO Box and had all our mail forwarded there until I could
open a checking account and change my address on all our credit cards.
the post office only needed my signature to do this. Then I went to the bank closed our joint checking account and moved the money into my own account which again using the PO box for statement mailing.
I then started changing the mailing address on my credit cards to my work, if you dont work maybe send bills to a relative who lives nearby?
I also kept all my financial information at work as well as still do.
Most importantly, get support for yourself , go to meetings, go to a therapist and keep reading and posting on this forum..you will get through this.
open a checking account and change my address on all our credit cards.
the post office only needed my signature to do this. Then I went to the bank closed our joint checking account and moved the money into my own account which again using the PO box for statement mailing.
I then started changing the mailing address on my credit cards to my work, if you dont work maybe send bills to a relative who lives nearby?
I also kept all my financial information at work as well as still do.
Most importantly, get support for yourself , go to meetings, go to a therapist and keep reading and posting on this forum..you will get through this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Hello Vista,
I am sorry you have to be going through this. I myself am experiencing a similar situation. Though I knew my husband was a recovering heroin addict when I met him, he had been clean over a year. He stayed clean for 9 years till about 6 months ago. I have now gone through three relapses in a little over a month. He is getting help and has a plan in process, but he also knows that I am going to be leaving if he cannot get it together. I have three children also and will not have them grow up in that kind of household because I know the effects of it my father is a recovering alcoholic.
With the money situation I have set up another account he does not have access to and every time his paycheck goes in I transfer all of it. I also started another account to put savings in. I am a stay at home mom my only income is from two kids I am watching and child support for my oldest. I have gathered up financial paperwork and copied them. I have also contacted an attorney to find out what my options are.
Family situation is for me that I am about 500 miles from my closest relatives. Though for me I know they would say come here now if they knew and help me start all over again. I have that peace that I know I can run home if I have to. I am in the situation that I do not want my children to be uprooted so I am making plans to try and start over here if I have to.
Nothing has to been done this minute and you have to proceed at what you feel and please follow your gut. I have been doing so much better going to counseling, Alanon meetings, AA lecture once a week, reading and coming to this site. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember to take care of you too!!! Please feel free to private message me anytime.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers
I am sorry you have to be going through this. I myself am experiencing a similar situation. Though I knew my husband was a recovering heroin addict when I met him, he had been clean over a year. He stayed clean for 9 years till about 6 months ago. I have now gone through three relapses in a little over a month. He is getting help and has a plan in process, but he also knows that I am going to be leaving if he cannot get it together. I have three children also and will not have them grow up in that kind of household because I know the effects of it my father is a recovering alcoholic.
With the money situation I have set up another account he does not have access to and every time his paycheck goes in I transfer all of it. I also started another account to put savings in. I am a stay at home mom my only income is from two kids I am watching and child support for my oldest. I have gathered up financial paperwork and copied them. I have also contacted an attorney to find out what my options are.
Family situation is for me that I am about 500 miles from my closest relatives. Though for me I know they would say come here now if they knew and help me start all over again. I have that peace that I know I can run home if I have to. I am in the situation that I do not want my children to be uprooted so I am making plans to try and start over here if I have to.
Nothing has to been done this minute and you have to proceed at what you feel and please follow your gut. I have been doing so much better going to counseling, Alanon meetings, AA lecture once a week, reading and coming to this site. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE remember to take care of you too!!! Please feel free to private message me anytime.
You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Vista
Welcome to SR.........although I'm so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
You have a lot on your plate and I'm guessing that it feels quite overwhelming. Please take the time to take care of yourself. Your kids need a healthy Mom and it's so easy for the disease of addiction to take over the family.
gentle hugs
Welcome to SR.........although I'm so sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.
You have a lot on your plate and I'm guessing that it feels quite overwhelming. Please take the time to take care of yourself. Your kids need a healthy Mom and it's so easy for the disease of addiction to take over the family.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Hi Vista, and WELCOME to SR. Glad you found this place. There's lots of support to be had here.
I'm going to ask the question I always ask partners of addicts/alcoholics who have children: have you consulted a lawyer yet? I think it would be wise considering your situation to know what your rights and obligations are. Depending on where you live, you may be held responsible for your husband's debts, as he continues to accumulate them. Your instinct to protect your children (and yourself!) is bang on.
Open a new account for yourself and have your pay deposited there. I would talk to the bank manager about what you can do regarding the joint account.
I'm going to ask the question I always ask partners of addicts/alcoholics who have children: have you consulted a lawyer yet? I think it would be wise considering your situation to know what your rights and obligations are. Depending on where you live, you may be held responsible for your husband's debts, as he continues to accumulate them. Your instinct to protect your children (and yourself!) is bang on.
Open a new account for yourself and have your pay deposited there. I would talk to the bank manager about what you can do regarding the joint account.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I advise anyone with a joint account or any account with their spouse or transfering funds to one account to another to make sure they document where every penny is spent, including expense/income of both parties, because if you dont, some day it will come back and bite you..
also document every single incident or conversation as well because addicts will lie and twist everything and forget what they did and say, if you ever
consult an attorney or appear before a judge you will be thankful you documented everything..protect yourself!
also document every single incident or conversation as well because addicts will lie and twist everything and forget what they did and say, if you ever
consult an attorney or appear before a judge you will be thankful you documented everything..protect yourself!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: MA
Posts: 2
Thank you for the responses. I am just getting the courage to confront the financial damage and it is staggering. I can't believe that I was so naive and stupid to think that he wouldn't touch our life savings - and now realize that anything held jointly is not protected. I feel so much stress to take on more at work because I will NEED my job, the primary caregiver for the kids, the financial guardian, the social planner (trying to keep things "normal?" for the kids' sake, etc. I snapped/yelled at my daughter for leaving things laying around the house after I just cleaned up and she snapped back that I'm so mean, like I'm the bad parent. I can't tell them what's really going on, though I'm sure they know it's not normal...I want to get to a meeting but feel like I can't spare the time - but I know I need to, for my sanity...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by keepinon 
MAKE the time for a meeting! It is the best gift you can give your kids.
Finding my own recovery was the best thing I could have done for myself, my children, and now my grandchildren.
I also recommend the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I think that will help you too, dear.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
It might be a good idea to run a credit check... just to be sure he hasn't opened up any credit cards you don't know about.
Is he still living in the house? I'd kick his behind out IMMEDIATELY. But that's just me. I have boundaries like that. I no longer put up with lies or drugs in my home, around my kids. I just feel better knowing that the life i choose to lead reflects the values I want my children to develop.
He is an adult. He has to be resonsible for the consequences of his actions. But your kids are suffering. and it's not their fault. And you too.
But now you know and you can make changes.
Is he still living in the house? I'd kick his behind out IMMEDIATELY. But that's just me. I have boundaries like that. I no longer put up with lies or drugs in my home, around my kids. I just feel better knowing that the life i choose to lead reflects the values I want my children to develop.
He is an adult. He has to be resonsible for the consequences of his actions. But your kids are suffering. and it's not their fault. And you too.
But now you know and you can make changes.
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