1988July

I am at work now, basiclly having an anxiety attack. I got a phone call about an hour ago. He over dosed again and is in the hospital in a coma. I can't breathe, or think straight. I want so bad to leave and go to the hosptal and do something. But at the expense of myself knowing that if I break this barrier it is all over from there. What do I do? This is number 4. An I feel like the last, not because he will quit or wake up and have a new found insight about his addiction, but because I feel like he won't wake up at all. We had a mutual friend die over the weekend of a heroin overdose and now I am more afraid then ever. I know seeing him like this I will be more weak then ever and want to help him and be there for him, but I can already feel the spiral, and remorse for him. I try to think of all the times he beat me, and threw me around the house but those thoughts are so far away from me I can barely reach them. All I can see now is the man he was, the one who used to take care of me and cherish me before the abuse and heroin, I am having flashes in my head of him laying in a hospital bed and being so alone. I can't seperate these things right now and I am scared. I know that on one hand he should have people there with him that care about him if he doesn't make it, but am I one of those people? I need strength I need someone to grab me and tell me which way to go with this. I feel helpless and confused. If I go, I have opened another wound with him, he will yet again have me twined between his fingers and being there I will fall from every step I drug myself up and be at my own personal rock bottom, if I don't go, what if he doesnt make it? I want so bad to be strong an truely believe "ok, he did this and there was nothing I could do." but right now my body is forcing itself to curl into a ball and cry. I feel like a 5 year old child lost in a department store, I am soo confused an do not know what to do.

suki44883

Stay at work until time to get off and then go home. Nothing will be gained by going to the hospital and yes, it could very well be a huge step back. This man did this to himself and it has nothing to do with you. He is abusive to you and you are so much better off with him out of your life. Hang in there. It's okay to be sad that his choices have put him where he is, but they were his choices to make and does not in any way negate the horrible way he has treated you.

Ann

Sweetie, the best thing you can do is to say a prayer for him, because he's in God's hands right now.

I know this is hard for you, but this man is/was abusive, and when he recovers from this, that is the man he will be, not the man he used to be.

I'll say a prayer too, and hope that this overdose will be his wake-uo call to get help.

Hugs

steve1840

i wish i had the right words for you. i cant imagine how you are feling and wish i had something better to offer you. i hope you find an answer and hope you feel better and hope he pulls through.

1988July

I'm just trying to breathe, holding my keys of course. I knew it would come, I knew it would when the last time he od he was quoted saying the heroin was the best he had ever and he wished he had met this guy that sold it to him sooner. I knew it would come no sooner did he get out of the hospital he was already high again. I have tried to prepare myself for this, rehearsing in my head that it is a possibility but it is real. A coma? Whoa... I know you guys are right my friends are ready to tackle me into the ground at my first attempt to go and "save" him. I can see it, what is black and what is white and I mentally know. I know some of you if not all at one point have been here, where he/she had overdosed will the guilt fade? Will I regret not going if he doesn't make it? What can I do really? If I don't go and he doesn't make it I never said my peace to him.... but what peace do I owe him? I know that sounds awful this man is human and he may not make it but what do I say? You're abuse and addiction destoyed me but made me a better person, eventually? If he makes it then I threw myself into the fire. (please don't take any of this the wrong way I wouldn't be mean to anyone) I just I am frantic

suki44883

You can't save him. If you could, he wouldn't be where he is now. You wouldn't be able to do anything at the hospital except get yourself even more upset. If he is in a coma, he is where he needs to be. Let the professionals handle it. You cannot do anything for him and you could do great harm to yourself.

crazybabie

I can feel the panic in you and I do understand it. I agree with Suki and Ann don't go. Like Ann said he is in Gods hands now and as you said right now he is in a coma. You just found out and are terrified I get that.

He won't know you are there if you go right now most likely, thus defeating the purpose you stated for going.

Hon, please take care of you he is in the hospital with skilled, doctors and nurses.
I also will be praying for you and him.

(((((((((((((((((July)))))))))))))

suki44883

Sorry if this upsets you but...this is from your first post here at SR:

He would hit me like every day every other day. I snuck out one night an truly believed that if I didnt he would kill me. When I left he had beat me so bad I was bleeding from my eyes and ears. I lost all the hearing from my right ear and had 12 concussions.

Please don't forget what you went through to get away from this man. He is dangerous and you have a child to think of.

dollydo

You are frantic over a life style he created and embraced, one that you have no control over.

Yes, I have been sad over my exabf's choices, but, as an adult they were his. Life is about cause and effect, he caused this situation and now he is paying the price/effect.

Your stressing out over this OD is not going to change the outcome one little bit. I too hope this will be his bottom, however, I will not hold my breath waiting.

Take a hot bath, light some candles and pray, he is in the HP's hands, he always has been.

1988July

No, it doesn't hurt me, it calms me. When it is screamed at me from the other end of the phone I can block it out and continue to panic, but i can't ignore it black and white. He was the one to stand on my chest when I was down, if we were to switch shoes he wouldn't be there. If he doesn't make it then that's what was chosen for him, you guys are right I can't control him he is in a hospital. An if he were to make it I would be trapped again and it would be no time before he would hit me and my kids don't deserve that. I am going to go home and just pray for the sake of my daughter and thankyou for every one of your prayers too, but beyond that I have to be selfish and take care of me, right?

suki44883

Right. Go home and take care of yourself and your kids. They deserve you and your love. He doesn't. He hurts you. They love you.

1988July

I will have to chant this to myself over and over but just breath and be numb right? I am tryin to be open minded and trust you guys more then myself.

crazybabie

An if he were to make it I would be trapped again and it would be no time before he would hit me and my kids don't deserve that.

You do not deserve that either.

dollydo

Yes, your children are waiting for you, they must be your priorty, they have seen/experienced enough of his abuse.

Sending hugs and support your way.

1988July

I try to know that. I really do but this brings back all of the guilt for leaving and I know I should have but it feels fresh. I had moved past that and now it hit me like a mac truck, right in the stomach. When I recieved the last 3 calls about him oding he was stable or in the process of becoming, so I coped, I knew this would come and I would truely have the test of my life literally but it seemed so much easier to breathe thru in theory

suki44883

You have no reason to feel guilty for leaving him. He might have killed you and he did beat you severely. What if he had killed you? Where would your children be then? When children are involved in these horrible situations, it is incumbent upon the sane parent to remove them from danger. You did what you had to do and you have absolutely no reason to feel guilty.

It might help you to go back and read your threads from when you first came here if you need a refresher course on how scared you were of him. He is still that same person and if he comes out of this, he will be that person again and given the chance, he will hurt you.

1988July

I haven't made it through the night yet but I do not know what I would do if I wasn't able to talk to you guys about these things I feel so confused alot about it and made myself sit down long enough to ask for help Thankyou soo much CrazyBabie, Ann Steve and Dolly for the soft breath support that I need soo much and Suki thankyou for quoting me of course the advice too but for the BAM HERE IT IS ready or not wake up I would be in my car now if not for you guys

wicked

Maybe you could call your friends that would tackle you to the ground if you try to get to the hospital.
to keep you company, or even talk about something, anything else.
nothing you can do for him now, just for you and the children.
call your good friends. they want to help you.

beth

suki44883

Well, you said you needed someone to grab you and tell you which way to go with this. Maybe I took it a little too literally.

1988July

I get off in 20 minutes one is here at my work (escorting) and a couple are at my house their taking me (kidnapping) me so the kids don't see me like this and so I am supervised theyve been the best of friends since we were 6 soo I guess thats what Ill do go home and see my kids put them to bed and keep my mind busy for a little bit.