So hard to let go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
So hard to let go.
Now in the second week of my wife being back home and doing her outpatient treatment.
She is now down to 6mg/day of suboxone and it took everything to get her to go to her outpatient treatment this morning. She says she is feeling ill, probably the withdrawls from her cutting back her dosage. Of course I can't say I fully buy it, considering I know that when she was abusing her meds, she'd have to function on much less than that before she could get her refill.
The past week have been just filled with complaints. Her dentures don't fit right and are hurting. I'm sure they suck, but then again, is it really worse than the teeth needing 12 root canals because of the pill abuse? The outpatient treatment is boring and pointless. I am still on meds so the week spend in detox was a waste. She just seems like she is starting to fish for excuses to get out of treatment but at the same time she is stuck as she is out of refills on her Suboxone and the only way she can get any (other than finding a new doctor) is sticking with the treatment.
Her non-pill-related behavior at home has not really improved either. She cooks ~4 meals/week and that is her only contribution to the household. Other than that, she will just watch TV, sleep and eat junk. And of course, make sure I don't get to sleep at night because she'll just leave the TV on since she "can't sleep", maybe you would if you didn't sleep all day! I don't consider myself demanding (and probably not demanding enough since i'm a codie) but even if she isn't cleaning and working... JUST DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH YOURSELF! Jeez.
I wish there was an "easy out" button. I know I can just leave or kick her out. But the financial realities of a divorce aren't just that easy. I could just take the ultimate out and pack my stuff and move back to Canada and just leave her with the mess but not sure i'm ready to go to that extreme either.
Sorry, not looking for specific advice at the moment. Although any insight is always welcome. Just had a somewhat frustrating weekend, not feeling too hot myself right now and needed to vent before I blow a gasket.
She is now down to 6mg/day of suboxone and it took everything to get her to go to her outpatient treatment this morning. She says she is feeling ill, probably the withdrawls from her cutting back her dosage. Of course I can't say I fully buy it, considering I know that when she was abusing her meds, she'd have to function on much less than that before she could get her refill.
The past week have been just filled with complaints. Her dentures don't fit right and are hurting. I'm sure they suck, but then again, is it really worse than the teeth needing 12 root canals because of the pill abuse? The outpatient treatment is boring and pointless. I am still on meds so the week spend in detox was a waste. She just seems like she is starting to fish for excuses to get out of treatment but at the same time she is stuck as she is out of refills on her Suboxone and the only way she can get any (other than finding a new doctor) is sticking with the treatment.
Her non-pill-related behavior at home has not really improved either. She cooks ~4 meals/week and that is her only contribution to the household. Other than that, she will just watch TV, sleep and eat junk. And of course, make sure I don't get to sleep at night because she'll just leave the TV on since she "can't sleep", maybe you would if you didn't sleep all day! I don't consider myself demanding (and probably not demanding enough since i'm a codie) but even if she isn't cleaning and working... JUST DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE WITH YOURSELF! Jeez.
I wish there was an "easy out" button. I know I can just leave or kick her out. But the financial realities of a divorce aren't just that easy. I could just take the ultimate out and pack my stuff and move back to Canada and just leave her with the mess but not sure i'm ready to go to that extreme either.
Sorry, not looking for specific advice at the moment. Although any insight is always welcome. Just had a somewhat frustrating weekend, not feeling too hot myself right now and needed to vent before I blow a gasket.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Sebby, I know how you feel. I have so been there.
I remember in the past with my ex, he would be out of refills for the month, supposedly in some outpatient rehab, always complaining about this and that, laying around, watching Tv, staying up all night, doing next to nothing but trying to pretend it was something. Eating a hole through the house, not even trying to do anything productive and just generally a miserable ass to have around.
Meanwhile I'm working, paying the bills, doing the cleaning and cooking handling everything and all the while being extremely sick & tired of being sick & tired.
I had worked on this marriage for the last 4 years he stayed addicted. I realize now I was the only one working on it. For me it took him stealing money from my account and pawning off my jewelry before I finally said "Enough!"
When the pain of living with him was more than the pain and expense of divorcing him I had my answer. And I haven't looked back, the cost of the divorce I will pay off month by month. He cost me so much more than that supporting him and wrecking me financially 8 years ago. Not to mention the emoitional damage he has put me and the kids through.
I will survive the initial financial difficulty of letting him go. In fact it is already so much easier financially not having him around. And I will be granted the house, car & full custody of my son. And he will be granted all his medical bills and child support for his son. As callous as it sounds start protecting yourself, keep a papertrail of what her addiction has cost you. When I filed I came to my lawyer with documentation of his addiction and theft.
You may not be at that point yet but I recognize the hurt in your posts and feel a decision is coming.
I wish you the best on this this difficult decision.
Hugs,
Teggie
I remember in the past with my ex, he would be out of refills for the month, supposedly in some outpatient rehab, always complaining about this and that, laying around, watching Tv, staying up all night, doing next to nothing but trying to pretend it was something. Eating a hole through the house, not even trying to do anything productive and just generally a miserable ass to have around.
Meanwhile I'm working, paying the bills, doing the cleaning and cooking handling everything and all the while being extremely sick & tired of being sick & tired.
I had worked on this marriage for the last 4 years he stayed addicted. I realize now I was the only one working on it. For me it took him stealing money from my account and pawning off my jewelry before I finally said "Enough!"
When the pain of living with him was more than the pain and expense of divorcing him I had my answer. And I haven't looked back, the cost of the divorce I will pay off month by month. He cost me so much more than that supporting him and wrecking me financially 8 years ago. Not to mention the emoitional damage he has put me and the kids through.
I will survive the initial financial difficulty of letting him go. In fact it is already so much easier financially not having him around. And I will be granted the house, car & full custody of my son. And he will be granted all his medical bills and child support for his son. As callous as it sounds start protecting yourself, keep a papertrail of what her addiction has cost you. When I filed I came to my lawyer with documentation of his addiction and theft.
You may not be at that point yet but I recognize the hurt in your posts and feel a decision is coming.
I wish you the best on this this difficult decision.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
It is very frustrating to live with someone in recovery while we are trying to recover also. I am still doing most of everything in the house and with the kids all day. When I go out and my RAH is home I still get a sitter for the kids. I am not sure how long this will take, but my RAH and I are talking and going to meetings. Have you looked into going to any meetings? I also see a counselor weekly as does he.
Sending out hugs to you
Sending out hugs to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Ah, just keeps getting better. Well I guess they want to transfer her to another outpatient office now. Mainly because the other branch has classes more specific towards people who ended up with "pill problems" due to pain issues. Maybe the will have resources that relate better to her use of pills but I see it more as one more step to keep denying she is an addict.
tjp, I deserve better. And anyways I've given all I have and have run out of anything to give anymore. There is obviously a part of me that still wants to hold on. Not sure it's even the memories of how things were, but more the fear of admitting that the last 8 years of my life were just a waste.
lc1972, thanks for the hugs. Really frustrating indeed. I generally work 60-70h/week just so I can meet our current financial obligations. So spending the whole weekend scrubbing the floor so she can leave a trail of coffee all over it the next morning is not something I really feel like doing anymore. I have started going to CoDA for myself. My wife has been really vague about being willing to go to family meetings or counseling. As far as I can tell, in her oppinion she isn't an addict, just someone who became physically dependent on pain medication. Never heard os someone physically dependent on pain medication down 15 Ambiens while doing grocery and having the paramedics called on her because she was nodding off at the register. :/
Teggie, Your story sounds like mine. I really need to move on, the reality is that I would be no worse off on my own even if I had to pay alimony. At least my expenses would be fixed and predictable. I should have kept a log of all her "bad behavior" in the past and all the pharmacy purchases. But then again, not sure how much it would matter here since CA is a "no fault" divorce state. Would be ideal if she just accepted the seperation and we could agree on fair support terms, but doubt that would happen. I am putting some money aside (and have been for about 2 months now). My goal is to at least have enough to cover initial lawyer costs and deposit/move for a new apartment. But at the same time also trying to improve my credit so getting a new plate to live isn't impossible. Not quite easy to get a fresh start with a Foreclosure 18 months ago and about $60k in debt (and no I don't qualify for bankrupcy).
tjp, I deserve better. And anyways I've given all I have and have run out of anything to give anymore. There is obviously a part of me that still wants to hold on. Not sure it's even the memories of how things were, but more the fear of admitting that the last 8 years of my life were just a waste.
lc1972, thanks for the hugs. Really frustrating indeed. I generally work 60-70h/week just so I can meet our current financial obligations. So spending the whole weekend scrubbing the floor so she can leave a trail of coffee all over it the next morning is not something I really feel like doing anymore. I have started going to CoDA for myself. My wife has been really vague about being willing to go to family meetings or counseling. As far as I can tell, in her oppinion she isn't an addict, just someone who became physically dependent on pain medication. Never heard os someone physically dependent on pain medication down 15 Ambiens while doing grocery and having the paramedics called on her because she was nodding off at the register. :/
Teggie, Your story sounds like mine. I really need to move on, the reality is that I would be no worse off on my own even if I had to pay alimony. At least my expenses would be fixed and predictable. I should have kept a log of all her "bad behavior" in the past and all the pharmacy purchases. But then again, not sure how much it would matter here since CA is a "no fault" divorce state. Would be ideal if she just accepted the seperation and we could agree on fair support terms, but doubt that would happen. I am putting some money aside (and have been for about 2 months now). My goal is to at least have enough to cover initial lawyer costs and deposit/move for a new apartment. But at the same time also trying to improve my credit so getting a new plate to live isn't impossible. Not quite easy to get a fresh start with a Foreclosure 18 months ago and about $60k in debt (and no I don't qualify for bankrupcy).
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
Sebby, Im so sorry your going through this, please know I feel your pain and understand your frustrations and concerns about your marriage. Im going through it myself now since dec.2009 although he left our home Im the one dealing with all the bills, chores etc. (pill addict as well) he has filed for divorce,something I didnt want to do, probaly for all the wrong reasons as you stated. yeah, its costing me big bucks right now, dont know my future with our home or what I will end up paying him as well. very sad after 26 years of marriage.
But then I also think back on what I lived with, all the above problems everyone posted is identical to my situation too, please know your not alone.
I dont know if Im in a better place right now, things are very stressful for me, I have horrible days still. but Im going to keep fighting.(hmmm.easier said than done, was ready to walk away from everything the past week) but Im trying, thats all we can do.
I hope you keep seeking support and move forward in your own recovery and seriously think about what is best for you, even if its not easy decisions to make it may one day very well be for the best for you.
sending hugs to ya!!
But then I also think back on what I lived with, all the above problems everyone posted is identical to my situation too, please know your not alone.
I dont know if Im in a better place right now, things are very stressful for me, I have horrible days still. but Im going to keep fighting.(hmmm.easier said than done, was ready to walk away from everything the past week) but Im trying, thats all we can do.
I hope you keep seeking support and move forward in your own recovery and seriously think about what is best for you, even if its not easy decisions to make it may one day very well be for the best for you.
sending hugs to ya!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
Hi Tam.
Sorry you are also having to go through this hell. At least you have the ball rolling, it can only get better once everything is settled.
On my end, I know I need at least some money to get started or who knows what will happen. Unfortunately, my family lives ~3000 miles away in another country and my AW made sure I don't have any dependable friends closeby. So at the very least, I have to make sure I have enough to get the process started. Getting the process started is probably the scarier part for me. And of course, really don't want to concede that the last 8 years of my life were a waste. A case of "Vested Interest" in game theory. Almost like someone who keeps putting quarters in the slot machine thinking they have been playing a while and the machine is about to pay up...
I remember how life felt before I met her. I was quite lonely, always was a little socially awkward. But I now miss that loneliness. At least life was simple then and wasn't filled with 24/7 stress.
Best I can do right now is keep seeking treatment for myself and put more money aside. Probably worth maybe getting a consult with a divorce attorney to get a better idea of the process and costs.
Sorry you are also having to go through this hell. At least you have the ball rolling, it can only get better once everything is settled.
On my end, I know I need at least some money to get started or who knows what will happen. Unfortunately, my family lives ~3000 miles away in another country and my AW made sure I don't have any dependable friends closeby. So at the very least, I have to make sure I have enough to get the process started. Getting the process started is probably the scarier part for me. And of course, really don't want to concede that the last 8 years of my life were a waste. A case of "Vested Interest" in game theory. Almost like someone who keeps putting quarters in the slot machine thinking they have been playing a while and the machine is about to pay up...
I remember how life felt before I met her. I was quite lonely, always was a little socially awkward. But I now miss that loneliness. At least life was simple then and wasn't filled with 24/7 stress.
Best I can do right now is keep seeking treatment for myself and put more money aside. Probably worth maybe getting a consult with a divorce attorney to get a better idea of the process and costs.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I hear ya...yeah put money aside and get a consult with attorney, least get some legal answers for yourself, give you some options and also start getting your ducks in a row. Im not trying to hurt my husband, I know he is suffering,I want so bad for him to get better, Im willing to assist him with his health costs,food,etc.but at the same time have accepted he may never get sober and I have to protect myself financially,emotionally and physically. thats a challenge! I certainly wouldnt wish this on anyone,its an awful disease for our loved ones as well as ourselves.
as far as being lonely, Im lonely now. all our friends have moved on and
Im all alone basically now (we dont have kids), family is nearby but they too have their own lives. some days its really hard, have no clue what or where my future will lead me, but I was also lonely living with addiction.
I too question our marriage but that isnt healthy to do, we did have many many good years together and have to come to terms that things like this
happpen and we arent in control of this addiction and what it does to families but we can control our lives and our happiness.
I just pray and rely on my HP to get me through, as much as some days are difficult I also realize I came this far, cant give up yet.
sebby, I hope you find the strength and courage to do what is right for you,
even if it means being lonely, so be it.
again, right now the main focus for you is to find peace in your life, concentrate on you and get advise from anyone who can guide you through your decision making.
as far as being lonely, Im lonely now. all our friends have moved on and
Im all alone basically now (we dont have kids), family is nearby but they too have their own lives. some days its really hard, have no clue what or where my future will lead me, but I was also lonely living with addiction.
I too question our marriage but that isnt healthy to do, we did have many many good years together and have to come to terms that things like this
happpen and we arent in control of this addiction and what it does to families but we can control our lives and our happiness.
I just pray and rely on my HP to get me through, as much as some days are difficult I also realize I came this far, cant give up yet.
sebby, I hope you find the strength and courage to do what is right for you,
even if it means being lonely, so be it.
again, right now the main focus for you is to find peace in your life, concentrate on you and get advise from anyone who can guide you through your decision making.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 63
I think I have reached the point where loneliness sure seems better than the daily stress I have endured over the past 6 years.
Sad thing, are only married 8. So most of our married life has been under the influence of pills. But from I have learned from some of her friends, it would appear that there were substance abuse problems in the past so I just happened to meet her during one of her sober phases. And other than the time we dated, there are some fond memories but those have been a long time ago.
She still won't admit she is an addict. It's the doctor's fault for putting her on all the pills. So obviously her current recovery is on really shakey ground. So I just have to take care of myself now.
Sad thing, are only married 8. So most of our married life has been under the influence of pills. But from I have learned from some of her friends, it would appear that there were substance abuse problems in the past so I just happened to meet her during one of her sober phases. And other than the time we dated, there are some fond memories but those have been a long time ago.
She still won't admit she is an addict. It's the doctor's fault for putting her on all the pills. So obviously her current recovery is on really shakey ground. So I just have to take care of myself now.
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