Why is it so hard to walk away?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Why is it so hard to walk away?
With all the boundaries I have had to set with my ABF we pretty much don't see each other. Haven't even spoken in over a week except for one 2 min. conversation. I receive random texts now and then, some nice, some not so nice. We haven't "officially" ended the relationship which is partly my fault because I can't let go.
We had talked about getting married. The more I found out about his drinking and how serious it was, the less we talked about marriage. (He is also divorced and at one time told me she blamed his drinking.) I am so lonely and sit and hope he will call but he doesn't. He has all weekend to himself now to drink without me getting in the way. No one telling him what to do or expecting anything. The less I call, the less we talk. I am finally seeing I am not the priority in his life. How stupid I am to have thought if I backed off he would miss me so much and get help so we could have this wonderful life together that he promised me.
I don't know what to do. I am hanging on to the relationship by a thread because I am nearing 40, have never been married or had children and can't bear to admit I failed again in the relationship department. I am intelligent, college educated, have a well paying job with great insurance, plus another awesome part-time job at the art museum, owned my own home for 8 years, in good health except for chronic migraines but for some reason I can't see all the good because I am so focused on this relationship that is falling apart.
I feel like it should be so easy because we do not live together or have children. I read other people's posts and realize how much harder it must be if you have children, are married or share a home. So if I have no ties to this man, why is it so difficult? :help
We had talked about getting married. The more I found out about his drinking and how serious it was, the less we talked about marriage. (He is also divorced and at one time told me she blamed his drinking.) I am so lonely and sit and hope he will call but he doesn't. He has all weekend to himself now to drink without me getting in the way. No one telling him what to do or expecting anything. The less I call, the less we talk. I am finally seeing I am not the priority in his life. How stupid I am to have thought if I backed off he would miss me so much and get help so we could have this wonderful life together that he promised me.
I don't know what to do. I am hanging on to the relationship by a thread because I am nearing 40, have never been married or had children and can't bear to admit I failed again in the relationship department. I am intelligent, college educated, have a well paying job with great insurance, plus another awesome part-time job at the art museum, owned my own home for 8 years, in good health except for chronic migraines but for some reason I can't see all the good because I am so focused on this relationship that is falling apart.
I feel like it should be so easy because we do not live together or have children. I read other people's posts and realize how much harder it must be if you have children, are married or share a home. So if I have no ties to this man, why is it so difficult? :help
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
It's difficult for the reasons you mentioned--you invested a lot of hope and dreams for the future with him. You thought you saw what the future held, and now that's been sort of yanked away.
And I TOTALLY get the reluctance to admit that the relationship was a failure. It feels like a reflection on us, even though it isn't--everyone gets burned now and then in the relationship department.
Regardless of the mourning for what might have been, it was never a realistic possibility, given his issues.
Have you checked out Al-Anon? It might help you to work through your feelings of being let down and help you to move ahead feeling like you have something to offer in a healthy relationship.
And I TOTALLY get the reluctance to admit that the relationship was a failure. It feels like a reflection on us, even though it isn't--everyone gets burned now and then in the relationship department.
Regardless of the mourning for what might have been, it was never a realistic possibility, given his issues.
Have you checked out Al-Anon? It might help you to work through your feelings of being let down and help you to move ahead feeling like you have something to offer in a healthy relationship.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Have you checked out Al-Anon? It might help you to work through your feelings of being let down and help you to move ahead feeling like you have something to offer in a healthy relationship.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
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Be thankful that you did not marry this man and have children with him. Yes, it hurts but you can walk away with your sanity. Had you married him you would be like I was an wouldn't even know what hit you. I married and six years later divorced mine and the middle part was good times laced with insanity. In the end the disease was just too much.
I agree on finding an AlAnon group. It's one of the best things I did for myself.
I agree on finding an AlAnon group. It's one of the best things I did for myself.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry that you are hurting.
Not being married is not the end of the world. I married too much and all were bad decisions. I am also well educated and had a wonderful career. If I would have left marriage out of the equasion, I would have been so much better off.
I now live alone and love very minute of it! My life is full and complete. I do date, but just casually, I want no strings attached.
Sit back and think of all the good in your life, all the positives, focus on them.
My marriages were all failures, not because we divorced, because they should have never happened in the first place.
There are many fine men out there, when you are least expecting it, one will head your way.
Have you read "Codependent No More", great read.
Not being married is not the end of the world. I married too much and all were bad decisions. I am also well educated and had a wonderful career. If I would have left marriage out of the equasion, I would have been so much better off.
I now live alone and love very minute of it! My life is full and complete. I do date, but just casually, I want no strings attached.
Sit back and think of all the good in your life, all the positives, focus on them.
My marriages were all failures, not because we divorced, because they should have never happened in the first place.
There are many fine men out there, when you are least expecting it, one will head your way.
Have you read "Codependent No More", great read.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas for now
Posts: 100
In my personal opinion, because hope springs eternal. We want to know and be known - and to be loved anyway. We want union with another. No matter what we achieve, if that is not there in our lives, we feel a deep longing for it. Then there's real life where such union is rarely obtained. There are damaged people who make us promises that raise our hopes and keep us hoping.
If it's any comfort, I have a friend who did not marry until age 38. Twenty-five years later, she questions whether she should have waited longer. Being alone is lonely, but a hard, hard marriage is worse. Trust me. That said, I will be wishin, hopin, and prayin a decent man comes along and you can share your lives with relative happiness.
PS I sympathize completely with the feeling: This is my last chance for a meaningful relationship. It isn't true, but it feels that way. When I got mixed up with AH, I was not looking for a relationship AT ALL. Had made peace with solitude. But once he and I did get involved, all those hopes ignited into a roaring fire. I grieve the death of those hopes even as I write this. Know that I sympathize with you so much.
If it's any comfort, I have a friend who did not marry until age 38. Twenty-five years later, she questions whether she should have waited longer. Being alone is lonely, but a hard, hard marriage is worse. Trust me. That said, I will be wishin, hopin, and prayin a decent man comes along and you can share your lives with relative happiness.
PS I sympathize completely with the feeling: This is my last chance for a meaningful relationship. It isn't true, but it feels that way. When I got mixed up with AH, I was not looking for a relationship AT ALL. Had made peace with solitude. But once he and I did get involved, all those hopes ignited into a roaring fire. I grieve the death of those hopes even as I write this. Know that I sympathize with you so much.
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
Hi star,
It is just hard for you so work through it. The more I learned about the illness through alanon and SR the more I understood what to expect and what not to expect.
It was a process for me of letting go. Each time I had to raise the stakes and each time he let me go more as well. It isn't about you that he is making this choice - it is about him. What is about you is that you are setting limits on what is ok in a rel and what is not ok in a rel.
I heard someone say before that we teach people how to treat us. It is ok to have expectations- without them you would not have anything that you do have. Work through this and then you can look at what you can do differently but from what I read - you know what you want and what you don't want.
It is just hard for you so work through it. The more I learned about the illness through alanon and SR the more I understood what to expect and what not to expect.
It was a process for me of letting go. Each time I had to raise the stakes and each time he let me go more as well. It isn't about you that he is making this choice - it is about him. What is about you is that you are setting limits on what is ok in a rel and what is not ok in a rel.
I heard someone say before that we teach people how to treat us. It is ok to have expectations- without them you would not have anything that you do have. Work through this and then you can look at what you can do differently but from what I read - you know what you want and what you don't want.
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 62
Starlynn: I don't have an answer to your question, but I can share my story because with few exceptions, I could be you. I "broke up" with my XABF several times throughout our years together with the intention of manipulating him into compliance. I'm embarrassed to admit, and rarely do, that when I saw that he wasn't interested in complying with my rules for living (a/k/a didn't call), I got scared, called him and asked him to come back. He returned with no promises, no remorse and no commitments (the only thing he was honest about) and we hopped back onto the carousel of anger, resentment and ugliness - my feelings mostly since he got to do what he always did.
Interestingly, the last time I reached out to him, you'd have thought he was breaking up with me. I felt humiliated when he arrogantly told me that I could make "this" easy for both of us by letting go. That was the day I reached my bottom.
Like you, despite my accomplishments and success by objective standards, I failed to see my value (and still do), felt stupid, I waited for calls that never came, and refused to give up for fear of appearing to be a failure. (I was also afraid of being alone forever.) So what - we're human!
It has now been several months since he asked me to let go. Despite my tears and sadness from time to time, I am grateful for his words. If he hadn't spoken to me that way, I'd still be hanging on to a fantasy.
Letting go has been one of the hardest things I've done. While life is far from perfect, today I am dealing with my concerns and the mistakes I've made of my life while focusing on his shortcomings - but they're my concerns, not his. I pray for the strength to stay the course.
It sounds as though you still have time to create the family that you want. (BTW - Do you really want a family with this man? Not that you'd have the same experience, but when I miscarried my one and only pregnancy, my XABF was nowhere to be found.) I can't tell you to stop calling him, but I pray that you find the strength to see your way to the other side so that you can look back on this relationship as the catalyst to the life you want. I wish you well.
Interestingly, the last time I reached out to him, you'd have thought he was breaking up with me. I felt humiliated when he arrogantly told me that I could make "this" easy for both of us by letting go. That was the day I reached my bottom.
Like you, despite my accomplishments and success by objective standards, I failed to see my value (and still do), felt stupid, I waited for calls that never came, and refused to give up for fear of appearing to be a failure. (I was also afraid of being alone forever.) So what - we're human!
It has now been several months since he asked me to let go. Despite my tears and sadness from time to time, I am grateful for his words. If he hadn't spoken to me that way, I'd still be hanging on to a fantasy.
Letting go has been one of the hardest things I've done. While life is far from perfect, today I am dealing with my concerns and the mistakes I've made of my life while focusing on his shortcomings - but they're my concerns, not his. I pray for the strength to stay the course.
It sounds as though you still have time to create the family that you want. (BTW - Do you really want a family with this man? Not that you'd have the same experience, but when I miscarried my one and only pregnancy, my XABF was nowhere to be found.) I can't tell you to stop calling him, but I pray that you find the strength to see your way to the other side so that you can look back on this relationship as the catalyst to the life you want. I wish you well.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi starlynn-
i think it's so hard to walk away because they are sick and getting sicker as time progresses. in regular breakups, the other person is still going to go on with their life without you.
with an alcoholic in denial, we can be quite sure that things are going to go from bad to worse for them, resulting in possibly even death.
and because we love them, it makes it hard to walk away.
i think it's so hard to walk away because they are sick and getting sicker as time progresses. in regular breakups, the other person is still going to go on with their life without you.
with an alcoholic in denial, we can be quite sure that things are going to go from bad to worse for them, resulting in possibly even death.
and because we love them, it makes it hard to walk away.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 23
i sometimes think it is the rough edges and imperfections that we fall in love with, somebody who is truly perfect (is that even possible?) or at least appears to be holds no attraction for me.
unfortunately i have always had a soft spot for much-less-than-perfect men, simply because i find them immensely fascinating. maybe it is the 'love the underdog' effect, i don't know.
anyway this was the reason i got involved with my ABF in the first place. but fascination and the look and behaviour of a drinker don't go together well in "real life" and daily routine.
maybe if you lived with him it would be so much easier for you to let go because then you would experience all the negative side-effects of his drinking first-hand without the chance to get away. then again maybe not - it took me about 7 years of living with him to start letting go. but i am the type of person to hang on for much too long cause i am a perfectionist and i always want to try my absolute best in any situation. obviously that is not a good idea when the situation involves an addict.
also maybe you think he has such great potential and it's worth hanging around for. i believed that too but a couple of really good threads on here about alcoholics' potential have really opened my eyes. i lived for some imaginary time in the future which i know now would have never happened. not because i haven't tried hard enough but because my alcoholic is simply not capable of seeing the light. not yet anyway. i hope he will be one day but then i won't be around him any more to see it.
unfortunately i have always had a soft spot for much-less-than-perfect men, simply because i find them immensely fascinating. maybe it is the 'love the underdog' effect, i don't know.
anyway this was the reason i got involved with my ABF in the first place. but fascination and the look and behaviour of a drinker don't go together well in "real life" and daily routine.
maybe if you lived with him it would be so much easier for you to let go because then you would experience all the negative side-effects of his drinking first-hand without the chance to get away. then again maybe not - it took me about 7 years of living with him to start letting go. but i am the type of person to hang on for much too long cause i am a perfectionist and i always want to try my absolute best in any situation. obviously that is not a good idea when the situation involves an addict.
also maybe you think he has such great potential and it's worth hanging around for. i believed that too but a couple of really good threads on here about alcoholics' potential have really opened my eyes. i lived for some imaginary time in the future which i know now would have never happened. not because i haven't tried hard enough but because my alcoholic is simply not capable of seeing the light. not yet anyway. i hope he will be one day but then i won't be around him any more to see it.
Last edited by cinnamngirl; 10-31-2010 at 10:45 AM. Reason: more spelling mistakes..
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: new state
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For me it was hard to walk away because he was a huge part of my life and head. I thought about him, worried about him, praised him, placated him, inflated him, accommodated him, resented him, cheer-led for him… you get it. It was all about him in my mind. It was very scary to reject or eliminate such a huge part of my life- the supremely-important him. What was I going to do with all of that time and energy?
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Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by Starlynn
I am hanging on to the relationship by a thread because I am nearing 40, have never been married or had children and can't bear to admit I failed again in the relationship department.
I am twice-divorced. My ex-fiance (which would have been my 3rd marriage) walked out on me after 15 months.
I learned something from all of those perceived failures; they aren't failures.
I learned from them.
We place tremendous pressures on ourselves to be good wives, to become mothers. After all, that is what we women are all about, right?
I don't buy that anymore.
I've been sans a man in my life now for 11 years. I've been divorced since 1989.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married, to be a mother, to not be a 'failure' in the relationship department.
When it becomes the driving force in selecting dysfunctional partners, or hanging on to a toxic relationship that only takes away from us, it becomes a problem.
I'm going to graduate from college, finally, at 53 years old. There is so much to life out there that I was unwilling to experience because of my codependency until I began to address it.
What are you doing to take care of yourself today?
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