Quack, quack quack
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Quack, quack quack
It really is a pain being on the other side of the world sometimes! When you're asleep, I'm awake. When I'm asleep, so much stuff happens here on SR!
Before I read through the posts of the last 24 hours, I just feel the need to debrief and vent about my day...
The XADFH rolled up today, all red and puffy and very sick looking after a week long binge. I think he came to 'test' my reaction today, to see if he was still in with a 'chance' of my rescuing him.
Last Thursday, he called and was drunk. He was saying he'd had enough of work, wanted to quit and look after our 4 year old for a year before she starts school (as if I'd let that happen!). He said "I know I have to give up drinking". I said "There's a difference between abstinence and sobriety. So, are you willing to go to AA?" He started carrying on about my RAF (he always brings my father into the conversation when AA is mentioned) "Your father abandoned you. How about your father...quack quack quack". Then he said, "I could be the house husband. I could do the cooking, cleaning, mow the lawns and you can finish your study". I replied (knowing what the answer will be) "So, AA or not?" He said "I'll go to AA if I choose to go". I laughed and said "You can't have a family and drink. The choice is yours". He said "I can't handle this, I have to go". I said "okay, see ya" and hung up.
On Friday, A's boss called and told me he was being fired because he's so unreliable, hasn't turned up for work and has in the past turned up at workwork drunk etc etc (no surprises there).
This morning when XADFH showed up, I asked him what I could do for him. He said "Can I come in for a cup of tea and some toast?" I said "No worries, come in". He then started going on about how he knows he has a problem, he knows he's a chronic alcoholic, he knows he has to get off the drink. I said something and his reply was "I don't want to talk about it. I know what I have to do". Being that I'm in my angry stage of recovery (after suppressing anger for years and years), I replied "Well, what are we going to talk about, the weather?" And then I said "What are you here for?". He said "to have a cuppa".
Okay, then he tells me he has to move out of his house because he abused the neighbour again and he'll end up in gaol (his neighbour has an AVO on him). I said "Oh, the relocation thing". He then said "Or get sober". I asked where he's going to move to (knowing after last Thursday, he wants to sponge of me again). He said "I don't know". I said, knowing I'm being a b**** "Well, the gaols opening up soon so, if you end up there, you'll be close to home".
He said again "I know I have to do the work". I told him he's being saying that for years and I don't want to listen to his quacking any longer. I said to him, "if you were really ready for recovery, you'd be straight to an AA meeting and you'd be ringing that old-timer who offered to be your sponsor. You're doing none of that. It's just remorse and you'll get over it and be right back on the **** again". He mentioned something again about accomodation options and I said "You're an adult, you'll work it out".
He finished his tea and left. Now, I know it sounds like I was being nasty. And, yes I probably was. But for me, this anger is helping me cut through my own crap, my own fairytale illusions. It's helping me to finally move on! There is no way I thought I'd be as strong as I was today. When I heard the crap come out of his mouth, I visualised a big duck quacking, lol. (love that term...I found it here).
In the past this is what my XADFH would have heard from me. "Of course you can have a cuppa. How are you? Are you okay? What are you going to do? Would you like me to go to a meeting/counselling/court/lawyer with you? How about our daughter? If he was desperate for somewhere to stay I'd say "okay, you can stay with me". God, even one time at court he was going to be sent to weekend detention but if he stayed with me, he only had to do community service!!! I let him move in to keep him out of gaol!
Well, I'm over it! I know it's one day at a time and today I'm feeling strong and tomorrow I may crumble. But just to see the look of disbelief on his face that I wasn't 'buying' his quacking anymore was priceless! Oh, and by the way, he's showed up briefly two more times for random reasons today. In his mind, he probably thinks I have another boyfriend (I don't) and that's why I'm being strong (he's a very jealous type). In any case, he's very unsettled. Anyway, enough about me...now to start reading the posts on SR. Thanks for being here and letting me vent...
Before I read through the posts of the last 24 hours, I just feel the need to debrief and vent about my day...
The XADFH rolled up today, all red and puffy and very sick looking after a week long binge. I think he came to 'test' my reaction today, to see if he was still in with a 'chance' of my rescuing him.
Last Thursday, he called and was drunk. He was saying he'd had enough of work, wanted to quit and look after our 4 year old for a year before she starts school (as if I'd let that happen!). He said "I know I have to give up drinking". I said "There's a difference between abstinence and sobriety. So, are you willing to go to AA?" He started carrying on about my RAF (he always brings my father into the conversation when AA is mentioned) "Your father abandoned you. How about your father...quack quack quack". Then he said, "I could be the house husband. I could do the cooking, cleaning, mow the lawns and you can finish your study". I replied (knowing what the answer will be) "So, AA or not?" He said "I'll go to AA if I choose to go". I laughed and said "You can't have a family and drink. The choice is yours". He said "I can't handle this, I have to go". I said "okay, see ya" and hung up.
On Friday, A's boss called and told me he was being fired because he's so unreliable, hasn't turned up for work and has in the past turned up at workwork drunk etc etc (no surprises there).
This morning when XADFH showed up, I asked him what I could do for him. He said "Can I come in for a cup of tea and some toast?" I said "No worries, come in". He then started going on about how he knows he has a problem, he knows he's a chronic alcoholic, he knows he has to get off the drink. I said something and his reply was "I don't want to talk about it. I know what I have to do". Being that I'm in my angry stage of recovery (after suppressing anger for years and years), I replied "Well, what are we going to talk about, the weather?" And then I said "What are you here for?". He said "to have a cuppa".
Okay, then he tells me he has to move out of his house because he abused the neighbour again and he'll end up in gaol (his neighbour has an AVO on him). I said "Oh, the relocation thing". He then said "Or get sober". I asked where he's going to move to (knowing after last Thursday, he wants to sponge of me again). He said "I don't know". I said, knowing I'm being a b**** "Well, the gaols opening up soon so, if you end up there, you'll be close to home".
He said again "I know I have to do the work". I told him he's being saying that for years and I don't want to listen to his quacking any longer. I said to him, "if you were really ready for recovery, you'd be straight to an AA meeting and you'd be ringing that old-timer who offered to be your sponsor. You're doing none of that. It's just remorse and you'll get over it and be right back on the **** again". He mentioned something again about accomodation options and I said "You're an adult, you'll work it out".
He finished his tea and left. Now, I know it sounds like I was being nasty. And, yes I probably was. But for me, this anger is helping me cut through my own crap, my own fairytale illusions. It's helping me to finally move on! There is no way I thought I'd be as strong as I was today. When I heard the crap come out of his mouth, I visualised a big duck quacking, lol. (love that term...I found it here).
In the past this is what my XADFH would have heard from me. "Of course you can have a cuppa. How are you? Are you okay? What are you going to do? Would you like me to go to a meeting/counselling/court/lawyer with you? How about our daughter? If he was desperate for somewhere to stay I'd say "okay, you can stay with me". God, even one time at court he was going to be sent to weekend detention but if he stayed with me, he only had to do community service!!! I let him move in to keep him out of gaol!
Well, I'm over it! I know it's one day at a time and today I'm feeling strong and tomorrow I may crumble. But just to see the look of disbelief on his face that I wasn't 'buying' his quacking anymore was priceless! Oh, and by the way, he's showed up briefly two more times for random reasons today. In his mind, he probably thinks I have another boyfriend (I don't) and that's why I'm being strong (he's a very jealous type). In any case, he's very unsettled. Anyway, enough about me...now to start reading the posts on SR. Thanks for being here and letting me vent...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Just wanted to say "Goodonya girl!!!!"
AND
you're not the only one up at this hour....I've always worked a overnight shift when possible; I don't sleep so well when it's dark outside....sleep waaaay better when the sun's out....lolol
AND
you're not the only one up at this hour....I've always worked a overnight shift when possible; I don't sleep so well when it's dark outside....sleep waaaay better when the sun's out....lolol
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
couldn't help but smile my way through your post, floss.
i remember when i first got the quacking, after years and years of falling for it. it was great! it was almost as if i could anticipate the next quack to come out of his mouth.
i remember when i first got the quacking, after years and years of falling for it. it was great! it was almost as if i could anticipate the next quack to come out of his mouth.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: seeking sanity
Posts: 645
I've been to your corner of the world once Floss and it is a lovely place.
I can relate to where you are and doesn't it feel empowering to actually own your destiny instead of waiting to see what the world throws at you? Stay strong. You're doing great!
I can relate to where you are and doesn't it feel empowering to actually own your destiny instead of waiting to see what the world throws at you? Stay strong. You're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
i love that i wake up this morning to your post! it is great you can see that quacking for what it is....I am just figuring that out myself. after all the years of "falling for it" i see it is just lip service and just before i came here this morning i thought to myself how incredible it is that i now hear the sound of Charlie Brown's mother from the cartoon, when the AH talks.....even though he's been going to meeting for the past 6 weeks and not drinking, he seems to think that is enough to make his words valuable (as though he's never said them before) but all i hear now is- wha wha, wha wha wha wha, wha, wha.....just like the cartoon, for those of you who've seen it! I am feeling powerful most of the time as i pack and prepare for departure. It can't come soon enough for me. I long for my freedom and privacy.
good for you for noticing and not taking the bait. Enjoy your feelings of power, you deserve to be proud of yourself. Well done!
good for you for noticing and not taking the bait. Enjoy your feelings of power, you deserve to be proud of yourself. Well done!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Thanks to everyone for your support and replies.....now to stay strong! Noelle, I'm terrible with sleep! I burn the candle at both ends! Gotta work on that one. RollTide, it is a nice part of the world....a bit isolated and wacky at times, but nice. Naive and Missphit, can't believe what a difference it makes to remember the quacking! And I remember the wha wha wha too, lol. Packing Missphit? Are you leaving your A? If you are, all the best. You sound strong and good on you too. 
). Good for you! 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
Isn't it great to look at them and just see a giant duck sitting in front of you? Totally changes your perspective. I can remember the first time I thought of xah as a quacking duck. The other visual. . .who gave this to me. . .it was because of all his whining--was to look at him as a big baby wearing a diaper (althought that visual was somewhat repulsive). So maybe a giant duck wearing a diaper.
Happy to hear you held strong Floss. He will be back and you will stay strong. Don't you just love the look on their face when you tell them they'll figure it out? It is the moment of realization when they know they no longer have their codependent.
Happy to hear you held strong Floss. He will be back and you will stay strong. Don't you just love the look on their face when you tell them they'll figure it out? It is the moment of realization when they know they no longer have their codependent.
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