I moved out
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
I moved out
I moved out on Thursday. It turned out to be both easier and harder than I thought it was going to be. I told AH that I was leaving because I couldn't live with the constant stress of his drinking and sneaking. I told him that I have been unable to eat or sleep, and that I need to have some peace and sanity. AH was calm, but did not want me to go. He said that he'd get rid of all the alcohol and be done with it. I told him that it isn't that simple, and that he needs to get into some kind of recovery program if there is to be any hope of working things out. I told him that nothing he could say right then would change things. I told him that he needs to truly put some thought and research into his plan to stop drinking, and that if he does so, then I look forward to hearing his plan. I also told him that I wasn't leaving as a threat, an ultimatum, or a punishment, but that I was leaving because I cannot be around the drinking.
He started to say that going to something like AA wouldn't work for him. I stopped him and said that he had absolutely no idea what would work for him because he has never even looked at ANY program. I told him that simply saying that the problem is "taken care of" doesn't work for me, and I can no longer live with the drinking.
I am now getting settled in my apartment, and I feel so exhausted. On the one hand, I am relieved to have made the break. On the other hand, I really did not expect to be so emotional. I know that sounds kind of cold, but up until I left, I was feeling so detached that I really thought that I was more "over it" than I really am.
This morning AH called me and told me that he went to an AA meeting on Thursday and that he was going to another one tonight, and that he got the big book. I told him that I thought that was really good, and I was glad to hear it. He asked me what my plan is, and I told him that I don't really have a plan yet. I asked him if he would be willing to go to counseling, and he said that he would if that's what I want. We are supposed to talk again in a few days.
I feel really conflicted. If AH is really serious about getting into recovery, then I feel obligated to try to work things out. But how do I know if he's really in recovery? Up until 3 days ago, he has never acknowledged that he has a problem at all. Even when I talked to him today, he said that quitting alcohol is the easy part. The fact that he thinks quitting is easy, quick and simple concerns me. How do I know what I should be looking for to consider reconciling? I feel like I need some time, but I also feel like it's impossible to say how long. I certainly don't want to simply return to the same unhappy situation.
He started to say that going to something like AA wouldn't work for him. I stopped him and said that he had absolutely no idea what would work for him because he has never even looked at ANY program. I told him that simply saying that the problem is "taken care of" doesn't work for me, and I can no longer live with the drinking.
I am now getting settled in my apartment, and I feel so exhausted. On the one hand, I am relieved to have made the break. On the other hand, I really did not expect to be so emotional. I know that sounds kind of cold, but up until I left, I was feeling so detached that I really thought that I was more "over it" than I really am.
This morning AH called me and told me that he went to an AA meeting on Thursday and that he was going to another one tonight, and that he got the big book. I told him that I thought that was really good, and I was glad to hear it. He asked me what my plan is, and I told him that I don't really have a plan yet. I asked him if he would be willing to go to counseling, and he said that he would if that's what I want. We are supposed to talk again in a few days.
I feel really conflicted. If AH is really serious about getting into recovery, then I feel obligated to try to work things out. But how do I know if he's really in recovery? Up until 3 days ago, he has never acknowledged that he has a problem at all. Even when I talked to him today, he said that quitting alcohol is the easy part. The fact that he thinks quitting is easy, quick and simple concerns me. How do I know what I should be looking for to consider reconciling? I feel like I need some time, but I also feel like it's impossible to say how long. I certainly don't want to simply return to the same unhappy situation.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by SashaMB 
I told him that I have been unable to eat or sleep, and that I need to have some peace and sanity.
This is where you focus your time and energy.
Big (((hugs)))) to you. I'm sure you are completely exhausted! You have been keeping up the game face for soooo long. Now you can finally exhale and feel how weary you really are.
Have you heard of H.A.L.T? Addicts learn about it in recovery. It applies to loved ones of addicts too. Halt is the anacronym to remind us of how we are triggered. Triggered to react to situations instead of respond in healthy ways that protect our serenity.
H.A.L.T. stands for:
Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired
All four can be triggers for an addict to pick back up, or for a loved one to react without considering their own well-being first.
Right now you are tired.
Give yourself time to rest and recover.
Let your AH work on his recovery/program/life. He has a group to support him and encourage him.
We are here to support and encourage you!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 143
I've heard some people say that quitting is the easy part, it's staying quit thats the hard part. I can relate to that, so maybe that's what he meant? Kudos to you for doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. I truly hope that he really wants to recover and that he will get better, but if not, at least you can preserve yourself and learn to love and nurture yourself regardless of what he does. You are a strong woman even if it doesn't feel that way. 
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
Dear SashaMB, you wrote "I feel like I need some time, but I also feel like it's impossible to say how long. I certainly don't want to simply return to the same unhappy situation." You have given yourself some good advice. Nobody promised us a bed of roses, and it's not going to be easy. You will need to work all 12 steps of the Ala-non program and detachment from your AH in order to help yourself.
I have to admit it took me a long time to understand the concept of "detachment" even after I was in Al-Anon a good while. I think it was because the concept was entirely foreign to me. I was so "attached" to everybody and every situation -- every problem, every crisis -- it got to be that their lives became MY life. When their disease progressed to the point of total insanity, I was totally insane too! I was trying to change something that I was powerless to change -- mainly, someone else. I was trying to "fix" someone else's problems, when only they could do that.
I was basically trying to argue with a disease! Trying to talk someone out of being sick. it was like saying, you should know better than to have diabetes!!! When I finally understood and accepted that the alcoholic was addicted to something they were also allergic to and they were just as powerless as I was over it; and they needed help, support and encouragement just like I did, I was able to separate the alcoholic from the alcoholism.
But I also understand that alcoholics will never get better unless I detach myself from trying to fix them and allow them to find their own way into recovery. I can not continue to maintain anything near serenity, if I allow myself to be engulfed in THEIR problems.
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God loves me where I'm at, but He loves me too much to leave me there!
I have to admit it took me a long time to understand the concept of "detachment" even after I was in Al-Anon a good while. I think it was because the concept was entirely foreign to me. I was so "attached" to everybody and every situation -- every problem, every crisis -- it got to be that their lives became MY life. When their disease progressed to the point of total insanity, I was totally insane too! I was trying to change something that I was powerless to change -- mainly, someone else. I was trying to "fix" someone else's problems, when only they could do that.
I was basically trying to argue with a disease! Trying to talk someone out of being sick. it was like saying, you should know better than to have diabetes!!! When I finally understood and accepted that the alcoholic was addicted to something they were also allergic to and they were just as powerless as I was over it; and they needed help, support and encouragement just like I did, I was able to separate the alcoholic from the alcoholism.
But I also understand that alcoholics will never get better unless I detach myself from trying to fix them and allow them to find their own way into recovery. I can not continue to maintain anything near serenity, if I allow myself to be engulfed in THEIR problems.
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.................................................. .....................................God loves me where I'm at, but He loves me too much to leave me there!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
(sasha)
you've been thru a lot. be easy with yourself and cut yourself some slack.
try to get some good nutrition in your body. i'm a big fan of juicing fruits and vegetables...helps me on so many levels, including emotionally.
decompress.
for me, music always lifts my spirit and soothes me. candle light does too. a nice long walk in the fresh air.
one day at a time.
you've been thru a lot. be easy with yourself and cut yourself some slack.
try to get some good nutrition in your body. i'm a big fan of juicing fruits and vegetables...helps me on so many levels, including emotionally.
decompress.
for me, music always lifts my spirit and soothes me. candle light does too. a nice long walk in the fresh air.
one day at a time.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: New England, U.S.
Posts: 169
good for you for getting into your own place Sasha. I am right behind you and I realize that it is an emotional event and while I am strong in preparation, actually leaving will be a very intense experience.
I have told myself that i won't make any decisions about any other changes for a year, to allow myself and AH to find our way in our own recoveries, because i know that i need time for my self care to become habitual behavior and to learn to be detached so i can evaluate the situation and my own needs.
I understand how you feel and will probably feel much the same way, and you are a great example to help me prepare as i do the same thing. I am longing for a chance to decompress, play music, and do the things that allow me to feel peaceful again, so I can get to a place where i can know what i need. I wish the same for you. take it slowly, you have plenty of time. Take good care of you! you deserve that!
I have told myself that i won't make any decisions about any other changes for a year, to allow myself and AH to find our way in our own recoveries, because i know that i need time for my self care to become habitual behavior and to learn to be detached so i can evaluate the situation and my own needs.
I understand how you feel and will probably feel much the same way, and you are a great example to help me prepare as i do the same thing. I am longing for a chance to decompress, play music, and do the things that allow me to feel peaceful again, so I can get to a place where i can know what i need. I wish the same for you. take it slowly, you have plenty of time. Take good care of you! you deserve that!
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
If AH is really serious about getting into recovery, then I feel obligated to try to work things out. But how do I know if he's really in recovery?
If he is in recovery, the evidence of that will become clear with time, nothing can fast forward the passage of that time.
Waiting around trying to divine whether he is or not, sounds like a waste of a life.
you can either spend that time exhausted, hungry, with your emotional needs stuffed down, or focussing on yourself, getting nourished emotionally and physically, and getting yourself in the best shape to make the best decisions for you. Neither of these approaches will affect his outcome or decisions, but they will affect yours.
(()) much love
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I feel really conflicted. If AH is really serious about getting into recovery, then I feel obligated to try to work things out. But how do I know if he's really in recovery? Up until 3 days ago, he has never acknowledged that he has a problem at all.
If you concentrate on you and let him do whatever he's going to do, you'll win either way
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I feel really conflicted. If AH is really serious about getting into recovery, then I feel obligated to try to work things out. But how do I know if he's really in recovery? Up until 3 days ago, he has never acknowledged that he has a problem at all. Even when I talked to him today, he said that quitting alcohol is the easy part. The fact that he thinks quitting is easy, quick and simple concerns me. How do I know what I should be looking for to consider reconciling? I feel like I need some time, but I also feel like it's impossible to say how long. I certainly don't want to simply return to the same unhappy situation.
He says, "Here is what I am going to do for the relationship," and then they go make an effort, and we have to sit on pins and needles waiting to see if THIS is really it, if he is REALLY going to do it this time. We start trying to figure out "what should I do to make sure this is a success?" And then we hyperfocus on everything he says and everything he does and try to figure out, play-by-play, what exactly he is doing, and anticipate what he is GOING to do. Instead of focusing on living our ONE PRECIOUS LIFE. I have made myself CRAZY this way so many times honestly I want to cry right now thinking about it and I am not even involved with anyone like this right now.
Sasha, I am so very glad you have made this step towards wellness!!! "What strength!" I thought all the way through your post. Please focus on your strength and all you have accomplished and what you would like for YOUR life and YOUR happiness. What things have you always wanted to do and/or accomplish for YOU? Did you always want to knit a sweater start to finish? Learn how to ride a motorcycle? Travel cross-country in a motor home? Spend a weekend in Paris? Jump out of an airplane? Run a 5K race? Paint a picture? Go horseback riding through the mountains?
Please try to see that any conversation you become involved in with him regarding his Recovery, meetings, etc is just part of the sickness and the codependency. I know you would like for him to go to marital counseling with you and fix the relationship but if he is really serious about getting better, and working on his own Recovery, the relationship counseling is something that needs to come later. It is A LOT of work and takes a lot of time, focus, energy and commitment to truly begin and participate in your own Recovery from alcoholism and/or other addiction. "The relationship" and discussing it and proving you want it is a distraction from that, a distraction from ourselves.
Good job Sasha, keep up the good work! Be strong! We are right behind you.
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I felt very much like you do - if he's going to try, I should support him and not "throw away" our 10 year marriage. Well, I gave him the best shots I could, and ultimately, he relapsed anyway. Back to do another 60 days, but this time, I made it clear he wasn't coming home. This second inpatient rehab was more a shot at restarting on his own...
Apparently, it's worked to a degree, although I don't know if it's actually the rehab, or maybe that he hit bottom when I left him. I don't think I will ever know. But I had reached the point where I really didn't care anymore, and just left.
To think that he finally got serious AFTER I left makes me a little bit sad, but in the same breath, perhaps I had to do that for him to start improving. I don't know. Never will. But I know in my heart that I held out as long as I humanly could. And that's all I need to know.
As the others mentioned, look at his actions. I repeated the phrase "if you're still sober and I'm still single in 5 years, then we'll talk." Over and over and over, until I started to believe it. Hang in there.
Apparently, it's worked to a degree, although I don't know if it's actually the rehab, or maybe that he hit bottom when I left him. I don't think I will ever know. But I had reached the point where I really didn't care anymore, and just left.
To think that he finally got serious AFTER I left makes me a little bit sad, but in the same breath, perhaps I had to do that for him to start improving. I don't know. Never will. But I know in my heart that I held out as long as I humanly could. And that's all I need to know.
As the others mentioned, look at his actions. I repeated the phrase "if you're still sober and I'm still single in 5 years, then we'll talk." Over and over and over, until I started to believe it. Hang in there.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
Sasha,
You have done a difficult and very brave thing. Stay put...let him do this on his own.
His recovery and sobriety should be more important to him that your relationship is he is serious. First things first.
Take care of yourself, and let him do the same. Once you are healthier, you can take a look at the relationship. Marriage counselling may be just a distraction if he is in early recovery, in my opinion.
Enjoy your time alone.
I am enjoying mine, and I also realize that my exabf needs me out of the picture to focus fully on himself and his disease. So even though it is really hard sometimes, I know I am doing the right thing for myself, and for him too.
One day at a time.
But good for you for how far you've come already!
You have done a difficult and very brave thing. Stay put...let him do this on his own.
His recovery and sobriety should be more important to him that your relationship is he is serious. First things first.
Take care of yourself, and let him do the same. Once you are healthier, you can take a look at the relationship. Marriage counselling may be just a distraction if he is in early recovery, in my opinion.
Enjoy your time alone.
I am enjoying mine, and I also realize that my exabf needs me out of the picture to focus fully on himself and his disease. So even though it is really hard sometimes, I know I am doing the right thing for myself, and for him too.
One day at a time.
But good for you for how far you've come already!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Dear Sasha,
I'm so glad you've made this life-altering move.
As others have mentioned: take it easy. If you want to give him (and yourself) a deadline, how about taking a month to just not think about what you're going to do, and when that month is up, you can figure out if you need another one. Try to put all thoughts of "what's next?" on the backburner during that month.
As for your "obligation" to give it your all, I have to say that this is perhaps an obligation you created for yourself. It *is* alright to just decide that you need more time, or that, after you've given yourself time, you simply don't want this relationship any longer. For me, it came down to this: if XH *STOPPED* drinking and using drugs completely and forever, would I still want to be married to him?
Sadly, my answer was no. Our issues went far beyond the act of abusing alcohol and drugs. Perhaps you can consider the same question for your own situation.
As for feeling exhausted...I feel you there. In fact, I recall posting the exact same thing after I'd left XH for a month or so. I was completely drained and wondered why. I had myself a nice big cry once the move was done, but after that, the tears were gone. Perhaps I'd cried them all while begging and pleading XH to stop drinking or throwing things or swearing at me. In any case, give yourself a nice, well-deserved break. Time to pull out the bubble bath, scented candled, an order in some Chinese while watching a goofy movie. It's AAAAAALL about you now. Enjoy it
I'm so glad you've made this life-altering move.
As others have mentioned: take it easy. If you want to give him (and yourself) a deadline, how about taking a month to just not think about what you're going to do, and when that month is up, you can figure out if you need another one. Try to put all thoughts of "what's next?" on the backburner during that month.
As for your "obligation" to give it your all, I have to say that this is perhaps an obligation you created for yourself. It *is* alright to just decide that you need more time, or that, after you've given yourself time, you simply don't want this relationship any longer. For me, it came down to this: if XH *STOPPED* drinking and using drugs completely and forever, would I still want to be married to him?
Sadly, my answer was no. Our issues went far beyond the act of abusing alcohol and drugs. Perhaps you can consider the same question for your own situation.
As for feeling exhausted...I feel you there. In fact, I recall posting the exact same thing after I'd left XH for a month or so. I was completely drained and wondered why. I had myself a nice big cry once the move was done, but after that, the tears were gone. Perhaps I'd cried them all while begging and pleading XH to stop drinking or throwing things or swearing at me. In any case, give yourself a nice, well-deserved break. Time to pull out the bubble bath, scented candled, an order in some Chinese while watching a goofy movie. It's AAAAAALL about you now. Enjoy it
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
i'm with nodaybut2day-
on her counsel to take a time out on the planning "what's next" with respect to marriage counseling and see how you feel in one month.
for now, what's next right now could be...hmm...maybe i'll get together with some friends tonight for sushi...hmm... i'll paint my toenails red...hmmm...maybe i'll paint that wall pale pink...
what's next...let's see...i think i'll sleep in on saturday...oh, didn't know there was a yoga class going on there....hmm...what's next...a new pair of jeans and some perfume...definately need to go shopping and treat myself....etc. etc.
on her counsel to take a time out on the planning "what's next" with respect to marriage counseling and see how you feel in one month.
for now, what's next right now could be...hmm...maybe i'll get together with some friends tonight for sushi...hmm... i'll paint my toenails red...hmmm...maybe i'll paint that wall pale pink...
what's next...let's see...i think i'll sleep in on saturday...oh, didn't know there was a yoga class going on there....hmm...what's next...a new pair of jeans and some perfume...definately need to go shopping and treat myself....etc. etc.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Thank you all so much for the support and encouragement, I really appreciate you all so much!
Last night I went to my first Al Anon meeting. I surprised myself by crying through nearly the whole meeting. I wanted to share, but I just couldn't. I'm not really into sharing with strangers, but it was actually pretty calming to be in a room full of people who know what I'm talking about even though I didn't say a word. After the meeting I met a woman who just started going to Al Anon herself. She didn't even know me, but she hugged me and told me that she was glad I was there. We exchanged phone numbers, and even though we never even had a proper conversation, I feel like I made a new friend.
I guess there really is no substitute for time. I would like to map out what's next, but the only thing on my agenda is finishing my unpacking. But I did get a red coffee maker. I always wanted one, but AH said that red didn't go with our kitchen. Well, MY kitchen has a red coffee maker, and I can't even believe how cute it looks. Somehow the coffee also tastes better from a red coffee maker.
Last night I went to my first Al Anon meeting. I surprised myself by crying through nearly the whole meeting. I wanted to share, but I just couldn't. I'm not really into sharing with strangers, but it was actually pretty calming to be in a room full of people who know what I'm talking about even though I didn't say a word. After the meeting I met a woman who just started going to Al Anon herself. She didn't even know me, but she hugged me and told me that she was glad I was there. We exchanged phone numbers, and even though we never even had a proper conversation, I feel like I made a new friend.
I guess there really is no substitute for time. I would like to map out what's next, but the only thing on my agenda is finishing my unpacking. But I did get a red coffee maker. I always wanted one, but AH said that red didn't go with our kitchen. Well, MY kitchen has a red coffee maker, and I can't even believe how cute it looks. Somehow the coffee also tastes better from a red coffee maker.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 131
Originally Posted by SashaMB
Well, MY kitchen has a red coffee maker...
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 545
Of course you're going to be exhausted, Sasha. There'll be a whole load of pent up emotions from the past few months and holding them in is very tiring. Be gentle with yourself.
As for your OP, as others have said, you will know if he is in recovery. Don't ask me how, but trust me that it is true. And the more you read about recovery, work on your own and see it modelled in others, the easier it is to spot. I would think that "I need some time on my own for now. I don't know yet how much time I'll need. I wish you all the best with AA." would be sufficient. Please don't feel pressured into giving him a timeframe because a) it tells him how long he needs to stop or hide his drinking and b) it is just grossly unfair for him to make any demands of you.
Glad you had a good meeting.
As for your OP, as others have said, you will know if he is in recovery. Don't ask me how, but trust me that it is true. And the more you read about recovery, work on your own and see it modelled in others, the easier it is to spot. I would think that "I need some time on my own for now. I don't know yet how much time I'll need. I wish you all the best with AA." would be sufficient. Please don't feel pressured into giving him a timeframe because a) it tells him how long he needs to stop or hide his drinking and b) it is just grossly unfair for him to make any demands of you.
Glad you had a good meeting.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by SashaMB
Last night I went to my first Al Anon meeting.
I surprised myself by crying through nearly the whole meeting.
I wanted to share, but I just couldn't. I'm not really into sharing with strangers, but it was actually pretty calming to be in a room full of people who know what I'm talking about even though I didn't say a word. After the meeting I met a woman who just started going to Al Anon herself. She didn't even know me, but she hugged me and told me that she was glad I was there. We exchanged phone numbers, and even though we never even had a proper conversation, I feel like I made a new friend.
But I did get a red coffee maker. I always wanted one, but AH said that red didn't go with our kitchen. Well, MY kitchen has a red coffee maker, and I can't even believe how cute it looks. Somehow the coffee also tastes better from a red coffee maker.
I am truly happy and smiling a BIG SMILE for you right now Sasha!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Congratulations!!!
By feeling emotionally numb in a sense you were spared the heartache of having to grapple with your emotions while attempting to move. Once you got yourself into a safe place those emotions start to bubble back up. The same happened to me. I felt so distant with little swing in emotions really. I was focused on the chaos of moving and so nervous about it all going well but I wasn't overly sad or angry, I just felt frazzled. Once I got moved I did have nights where I cried, bouts of fatigue, days of sadness, episodes of rage, and a bit of post-traumatic stress symptoms thrown in. It took me months for those emotions to level out.
I think you are on the right track in waiting things out. He is going to try this, then this, then this to see what triggers your return. He'll keep checking back and telling you about his progress to see when he's done enough. He went to one meeting, got one book, and plans to go again and he's already asking you what your plans are. All that tells me is that he is not in it for recovery at this point. He is in it just until you come back. I agree with those who've said stick to your recovery and just watch to see if he really pursues his.
You asked when you know when reconciliation is something you should pursue. My thought in reading your post is that when reconciliation is no longer an obligation for you but something you want in your heart, then you might be ready to try. For him, going to counseling and pursuing reconciliation because it's what you want, is a cop out. Going because you want to just leaves you to blame if it's too much hard work for him.
Glad you are enjoying some simple things that are just for you, like the coffee maker. Those little things really do mean a lot!
Peace to you,
Alice
By feeling emotionally numb in a sense you were spared the heartache of having to grapple with your emotions while attempting to move. Once you got yourself into a safe place those emotions start to bubble back up. The same happened to me. I felt so distant with little swing in emotions really. I was focused on the chaos of moving and so nervous about it all going well but I wasn't overly sad or angry, I just felt frazzled. Once I got moved I did have nights where I cried, bouts of fatigue, days of sadness, episodes of rage, and a bit of post-traumatic stress symptoms thrown in. It took me months for those emotions to level out.
I think you are on the right track in waiting things out. He is going to try this, then this, then this to see what triggers your return. He'll keep checking back and telling you about his progress to see when he's done enough. He went to one meeting, got one book, and plans to go again and he's already asking you what your plans are. All that tells me is that he is not in it for recovery at this point. He is in it just until you come back. I agree with those who've said stick to your recovery and just watch to see if he really pursues his.
You asked when you know when reconciliation is something you should pursue. My thought in reading your post is that when reconciliation is no longer an obligation for you but something you want in your heart, then you might be ready to try. For him, going to counseling and pursuing reconciliation because it's what you want, is a cop out. Going because you want to just leaves you to blame if it's too much hard work for him.
Glad you are enjoying some simple things that are just for you, like the coffee maker. Those little things really do mean a lot!
Peace to you,
Alice
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