I am having a really difficult time
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 10
I am having a really difficult time
I really hope there are some folks here that might be able to give me a little advice that gives me some relief, as I am really hurting.
I am a recovering alcoholic (10 months) and despite all the warnings from others in my program, I went ahead and got into a relationship with another newcomer. Perhaps I was completely blinded by her looks or I viewed it as an opportunity to truly open up and engage in an adult honest relationship. Either way, I jumped right in. Everything felt right. We were being honest with each other. Truthfully, I felt we were working our own individual programs, etc. For about 3 months, I grew closer to her than I had to any woman in my adult life (especially sober). Suffice to say, everything felt right.
About three weeks ago, I felt her somewhat pushing away. She was involved in some rather intensive trauma therapy, which brought out some serious resentments for the men in her life (especially her father). A little over a week ago, she made the decision to return home and visit her family and literally the day after she returned, she began drinking. First, it was under the guise of food poisoning, but finally I showed up at her place to find her completely passed out and in very bad shape. I stayed with her until she wasn't feeling ill anymore. A few days later, she reached out to me, as she was drinking heavily again. I love her, so of course I had to come to the rescue. I truly felt that I was coming from a place of love and selflessness. She expressed her appreciation and it felt genuine. I left her place in the morning, at the time she claimed she was contacting her sponsor. The next morning (because I felt something was off) I came over to her place, only to find her in bed with her ex-boyfriend.
It was truly the most traumatic experience I've experienced. I feel so betrayed (especially since she tried to spin the blame on me - for coming over there unannounced - and I had a key to her place!).
I have since spoken to many people in the AA program, with many different bits of advice. The consistent advice is to completely detach. I have been having the hardest time doing so. She has tried to call and text, but I have not responded, until yesterday. I sent her a text telling her I hoped she was doing ok, and that I was thinking about her. She didn't respond.
I'm really hoping someone can give me some words of wisdom. I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with how a relationship that was seemingly right and healthy, transformed into the scenario I've just described. I am also scared to death at just what she might have to tell me. I'm already hurting and don't know if I can handle any more heartache.
I'm really trying to get my arms around the situation. I am in disbelief that I was betrayed in such a manner.
I'm new to Al-Anon and am learning the concept of detachment, but It is so hard to do so in this case. I want desperately to engage with her and reconnect on some level (which I know is complete insanity). I really hope someone out there might give me some insight. It would be much appreciated.
I am a recovering alcoholic (10 months) and despite all the warnings from others in my program, I went ahead and got into a relationship with another newcomer. Perhaps I was completely blinded by her looks or I viewed it as an opportunity to truly open up and engage in an adult honest relationship. Either way, I jumped right in. Everything felt right. We were being honest with each other. Truthfully, I felt we were working our own individual programs, etc. For about 3 months, I grew closer to her than I had to any woman in my adult life (especially sober). Suffice to say, everything felt right.
About three weeks ago, I felt her somewhat pushing away. She was involved in some rather intensive trauma therapy, which brought out some serious resentments for the men in her life (especially her father). A little over a week ago, she made the decision to return home and visit her family and literally the day after she returned, she began drinking. First, it was under the guise of food poisoning, but finally I showed up at her place to find her completely passed out and in very bad shape. I stayed with her until she wasn't feeling ill anymore. A few days later, she reached out to me, as she was drinking heavily again. I love her, so of course I had to come to the rescue. I truly felt that I was coming from a place of love and selflessness. She expressed her appreciation and it felt genuine. I left her place in the morning, at the time she claimed she was contacting her sponsor. The next morning (because I felt something was off) I came over to her place, only to find her in bed with her ex-boyfriend.
It was truly the most traumatic experience I've experienced. I feel so betrayed (especially since she tried to spin the blame on me - for coming over there unannounced - and I had a key to her place!).
I have since spoken to many people in the AA program, with many different bits of advice. The consistent advice is to completely detach. I have been having the hardest time doing so. She has tried to call and text, but I have not responded, until yesterday. I sent her a text telling her I hoped she was doing ok, and that I was thinking about her. She didn't respond.
I'm really hoping someone can give me some words of wisdom. I'm having such a hard time coming to terms with how a relationship that was seemingly right and healthy, transformed into the scenario I've just described. I am also scared to death at just what she might have to tell me. I'm already hurting and don't know if I can handle any more heartache.
I'm really trying to get my arms around the situation. I am in disbelief that I was betrayed in such a manner.
I'm new to Al-Anon and am learning the concept of detachment, but It is so hard to do so in this case. I want desperately to engage with her and reconnect on some level (which I know is complete insanity). I really hope someone out there might give me some insight. It would be much appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: home
Posts: 205
As an alcoholic/addict who has always been attracted to alcoholics I can understand this. I've spent a large amount of my life in love with someone who I know is wrong for me. My head tells me he isn't good for me but my heart has a really hard time letting go.
I've found that when thoughts of him/helping him come to me I have to remind myself over and over of the reality of the situation. With time it has put things into perspective. When I think about him I remind myself that if the situations were switched his love could not save me. I have to save me and he has to save himself. When I feel guilty I remind myself that my guilt does not change anything. All it does is bring me down.
I'm not sure if that helps, but I'm glad you're here instead of drinking to "deal" with it.
I've found that when thoughts of him/helping him come to me I have to remind myself over and over of the reality of the situation. With time it has put things into perspective. When I think about him I remind myself that if the situations were switched his love could not save me. I have to save me and he has to save himself. When I feel guilty I remind myself that my guilt does not change anything. All it does is bring me down.
I'm not sure if that helps, but I'm glad you're here instead of drinking to "deal" with it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 75
Hi mate. First off, congratulations on 10 months! Well done!
I know what heartbreak feels like. I had a girl completely stomp on my heart. I loved her and she ruined me. She is basically what turned me onto alcohol. As bad as it all sounds, I'm almost glad it happened. It changed me in a way that I can only say is good. I'm much more mature when it comes to relationships and stuff nowadays.
Anyway, that's just something to think about. ^^
I think you'd do well to distance yourself from her for a while. I know that's really not what you want to hear, I know how hard it is to accept that you need to do somethings that seem very hard to do.
You also need to make a decision: Forgive and forget OR stop the realtionship and call it off. Abviously you need to talk to her at some point to decide whats going on but you really need to take some time to think about what YOU want. Remember, however upset/in a rut she seems to be, she was in the wrong and you need to put yourself first.
Coming from someone who has been cheated on, cheated on someone else and had his heart crushed all within several different relationships, I'm here to help mate. Feel free to PM me if you want some more help!
x
I know what heartbreak feels like. I had a girl completely stomp on my heart. I loved her and she ruined me. She is basically what turned me onto alcohol. As bad as it all sounds, I'm almost glad it happened. It changed me in a way that I can only say is good. I'm much more mature when it comes to relationships and stuff nowadays.
Anyway, that's just something to think about. ^^
I think you'd do well to distance yourself from her for a while. I know that's really not what you want to hear, I know how hard it is to accept that you need to do somethings that seem very hard to do.
You also need to make a decision: Forgive and forget OR stop the realtionship and call it off. Abviously you need to talk to her at some point to decide whats going on but you really need to take some time to think about what YOU want. Remember, however upset/in a rut she seems to be, she was in the wrong and you need to put yourself first.
Coming from someone who has been cheated on, cheated on someone else and had his heart crushed all within several different relationships, I'm here to help mate. Feel free to PM me if you want some more help!
x
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi ebarash
Welcome to SR
I noticed you've posted in a number of forums with this problem - to save confusion, I'll close this thread and direct folks to your thread in Friends and Family of Alcoholics, as I believe that's the forum where you'll likely get the most shares with experience.
Anyone here who has something to offer please follow the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cult-time.html
D
Welcome to SR
I noticed you've posted in a number of forums with this problem - to save confusion, I'll close this thread and direct folks to your thread in Friends and Family of Alcoholics, as I believe that's the forum where you'll likely get the most shares with experience.
Anyone here who has something to offer please follow the link
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cult-time.html
D
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