crashed and burned...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
crashed and burned...
After being sober 2.5 months and doing pretty well mentally and feeling good about the future I have developed severe depression and anxiety (complete with panic attacks) and it was not because I relapsed.
It just began out of nowhere and now a month later it still has me firmly in its grip. I feel so sad and so anxious and the panic attacks are terrifying. Instead of sobriety getting better and better it has gotten worse for me as time goes on...can any of you SR people relate to what I am feeling and going thru??
I am still going to my addiction counselor and seeing an additional therapist. Also working with my Dr. on meds to help. I am also starting to learn some breathing techniques. Thus far AA is just not for me and in my current state of mind I just know it is not an option. I need to be where I am comfortable these days!!
It just began out of nowhere and now a month later it still has me firmly in its grip. I feel so sad and so anxious and the panic attacks are terrifying. Instead of sobriety getting better and better it has gotten worse for me as time goes on...can any of you SR people relate to what I am feeling and going thru??
I am still going to my addiction counselor and seeing an additional therapist. Also working with my Dr. on meds to help. I am also starting to learn some breathing techniques. Thus far AA is just not for me and in my current state of mind I just know it is not an option. I need to be where I am comfortable these days!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi Hunt
I'm sorry for your struggle right now.
My anxiety got better not worse so I have little to offer in the way of experience I'm afraid.
I do know though that drinking will actually increase that anxiety overall, not help - so do try whatever you can to stay sober.
In case you haven't seen it - here's a list of recovery resources - I hope they're helpful to you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
D
I'm sorry for your struggle right now.
My anxiety got better not worse so I have little to offer in the way of experience I'm afraid.
I do know though that drinking will actually increase that anxiety overall, not help - so do try whatever you can to stay sober.
In case you haven't seen it - here's a list of recovery resources - I hope they're helpful to you
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html
D
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
First Time?
Did you have anxiety and panic attacks before you started drinking? Or while you were drinking or is this somehting new for your docs. It sounds like you are taking the right steps. Hope you get over this bump in your sobriety.
"Yesterday's passions may not serve tomorrow's goals." -Frederic Hudson
"Yesterday's passions may not serve tomorrow's goals." -Frederic Hudson
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Sorry it has been so hard.
For me, it's been difficult but more mild. Mild depression and anxiety. I assumed that my mood would improve a lot with sobriety. But I think I now just feel the underlying feelings more without repressing them with alcohol.
I decided to try a mood light because the sun just went away where I live. I love the sun!
I hope the breathing techniques help you. I find focusing on my breath very helpful. Meditation and exercise both help me.
But it has been hard to get sober and not feel good- especially when I read about others feeling great.
For me, it's been difficult but more mild. Mild depression and anxiety. I assumed that my mood would improve a lot with sobriety. But I think I now just feel the underlying feelings more without repressing them with alcohol.
I decided to try a mood light because the sun just went away where I live. I love the sun!
I hope the breathing techniques help you. I find focusing on my breath very helpful. Meditation and exercise both help me.
But it has been hard to get sober and not feel good- especially when I read about others feeling great.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: La Pine, Oregon
Posts: 1
Hi Hunt,
I feel your struggle and your pain. Each time I tried to get sober, when the euphoria of my first few months wore off, dang did it get bad. That thing that has you in it's grip is the disease more than anything. Those talons are strong and sharp as a razor. IT wants you to be miserable and not fight the good fight to beat IT from that grip. You are doing the right things though and if you will keep it up, you will surely lessen it's power.
Yes, I still have depression and at times, panic attacks. The first 'biggie' I had in sobriety I was around 4 years sober and it was so scary I called 911. I now know what is happening to me and let it run it's course, which has lessened the severity and passes much faster.
After more than 25 years and many different therapists, I have accepted my life (which was really really bad) and now use it as a learning tool. They went through the gammit of different meds for me and though it took a long time, the doctors finally hit on what works for me. Even with the right meds, I still have difficulties, but I just don't drink or use over them anymore.
I was in and out of A.A. for so many years because it too wasn't for me, or so I thought. It wasn't A.A. that wasn't for me, it was just me, I couldn't accept what was being offered. I didn't believe I was like them, felt as if nobody there liked me or accepted me and even hated them at times when they said I had the 'choice' to drink or not. I didn't believe I had any so called 'choice' over whether I drank and used or not because my life was miserable. To me they were full of hokey baloney.
Once I decided I truly wanted to stay sober and wanted a life that wasn't so miserable, I went back again and A.A. started working for me. What they were saying in meetings wasn't hokey baloney afterall and though I still feel uncomfortable at times, I figure I deserve sobriety and a good life just as much as they do. Heck, without them and the meetings where I hear others share their experiences and how they deal with them, I would still be that miserable lost soul whether I drank or not.
Once I opened up, there were a lot of people that identify with me and many I can identify with as well. Wow, there are so many people that have had some of my same experiences. Over time I learned to 'let' both the good and the bad happen, I just make the choice to not drink over them, not in celebration of the good or escape from the bad.
You do have a rough road ahead to get through the bad stuff (figure there is plenty of that) and I am so proud of you for traveling that road and doing the right things to help yourself.
Let yourself feel mad, feel sad, feel happy, get scared, feel nothing or feel everything all at once - it is o.k. and natural. You don't have to run from any of them because they are simply feelings that must be experienced in order to get a handle on all them.
I don't go to a therapist any more - graduated I guess. :-) I learned over the years to accept life as it comes. There have been some major difficulties and tragedies in the 6 years I have been sober, but even with those, life is so good in sobriety that I do not feel the need to run for the bottle to escape from them. Wow, it shocks the dickens out of me that I handle all the rotten things, but I cannot do it without help. For me it is the few people I trust in A.A. that understand me and know my history. When s... hits the fan, I pick up the phone and call one of them. They feel my pain and let me know it is o.k.
Believe me, it will get better. One day it will sneak up on you and you will realize you feel different about the icky stuff and with that, you will feel stronger and believe that statement that used to tick me off, "it does get better".
Keep doing what you are doing. You have touched my heart and I pray for you and the road you will be traveling.
I feel your struggle and your pain. Each time I tried to get sober, when the euphoria of my first few months wore off, dang did it get bad. That thing that has you in it's grip is the disease more than anything. Those talons are strong and sharp as a razor. IT wants you to be miserable and not fight the good fight to beat IT from that grip. You are doing the right things though and if you will keep it up, you will surely lessen it's power.
Yes, I still have depression and at times, panic attacks. The first 'biggie' I had in sobriety I was around 4 years sober and it was so scary I called 911. I now know what is happening to me and let it run it's course, which has lessened the severity and passes much faster.
After more than 25 years and many different therapists, I have accepted my life (which was really really bad) and now use it as a learning tool. They went through the gammit of different meds for me and though it took a long time, the doctors finally hit on what works for me. Even with the right meds, I still have difficulties, but I just don't drink or use over them anymore.
I was in and out of A.A. for so many years because it too wasn't for me, or so I thought. It wasn't A.A. that wasn't for me, it was just me, I couldn't accept what was being offered. I didn't believe I was like them, felt as if nobody there liked me or accepted me and even hated them at times when they said I had the 'choice' to drink or not. I didn't believe I had any so called 'choice' over whether I drank and used or not because my life was miserable. To me they were full of hokey baloney.
Once I decided I truly wanted to stay sober and wanted a life that wasn't so miserable, I went back again and A.A. started working for me. What they were saying in meetings wasn't hokey baloney afterall and though I still feel uncomfortable at times, I figure I deserve sobriety and a good life just as much as they do. Heck, without them and the meetings where I hear others share their experiences and how they deal with them, I would still be that miserable lost soul whether I drank or not.
Once I opened up, there were a lot of people that identify with me and many I can identify with as well. Wow, there are so many people that have had some of my same experiences. Over time I learned to 'let' both the good and the bad happen, I just make the choice to not drink over them, not in celebration of the good or escape from the bad.
You do have a rough road ahead to get through the bad stuff (figure there is plenty of that) and I am so proud of you for traveling that road and doing the right things to help yourself.
Let yourself feel mad, feel sad, feel happy, get scared, feel nothing or feel everything all at once - it is o.k. and natural. You don't have to run from any of them because they are simply feelings that must be experienced in order to get a handle on all them.
I don't go to a therapist any more - graduated I guess. :-) I learned over the years to accept life as it comes. There have been some major difficulties and tragedies in the 6 years I have been sober, but even with those, life is so good in sobriety that I do not feel the need to run for the bottle to escape from them. Wow, it shocks the dickens out of me that I handle all the rotten things, but I cannot do it without help. For me it is the few people I trust in A.A. that understand me and know my history. When s... hits the fan, I pick up the phone and call one of them. They feel my pain and let me know it is o.k.
Believe me, it will get better. One day it will sneak up on you and you will realize you feel different about the icky stuff and with that, you will feel stronger and believe that statement that used to tick me off, "it does get better".
Keep doing what you are doing. You have touched my heart and I pray for you and the road you will be traveling.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by huntwc 
....I just know
....I need to be where I am comfortable
....I need to be where I am comfortable
No joke, the VAST majority of stuff I KNEW and was completely convinced about, especially going into real recovery, turned out to be 180* off base. I wasn't just wrong, what I though was right was the opposite of what I needed.
I'd ask you to consider why you think (or how do you think) needing to be comfortable now is any different than thinking you needed to be comfortable when you were drinking and/or doing drugs.
I'm not jumping on your case... I'm just suggesting you take a look at what you're saying and what you've got yourself believing. The organ that takes us into addiction in the first place - our brains - is not the best tool to use to get out of it. Our intellect, our ability to reason, our willpower (or lack thereof, actually) put us here / let us get here........ might it not make sense to not trust the senses that let us down?
--for example,
1. you stated: doing pretty well mentally and feeling good about the future
2. then followed it with: developed severe depression and anxiety (complete with panic attacks)
3. not because I relapsed
might the first "belief" have been delusional?
might the depression and anxiety have preceded the relapse?
if that's the case, is it safe to say that you flipped from feeling great to bad quickly?
If so, did you "choose" that to happen or, was it like you said, "It just began out of nowhere?"
And if it began out of nowhere, can you absolutely prevent it from happening again?
Maybe it was just PAWS and it will pass the next time you get to a couple months.......but maybe it won't. What then?
Instead of sobriety getting better and better it has gotten worse for me as time goes on
Acute alcoholism gets better when the drinking stops. Chronic alcoholism, once you've crossed over into it's neck of the woods, doesn't. In fact, it continues to get worse.....month after month.
Maybe that's not what you have. I can't say. I had to find out the hard way.....by trying a lot of other options and progressively getting sicker until I finally had no other choice BUT to see if AA would work for me too. I guess I could have tried a long-term regime of anti-depressants but that wasn't a solution I was willing to live with.
Do some searching.....don't be afraid to ask yourself some really tough questions and listen for the answers....regardless of whether you LIKE them or not. Listen for YOUR truth....then look to see what plans of attack are available.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Hunt I am glad you shared with us.
I know the horrors of panic attacks and they are nothing like having anxiety. They are consuming and are pretty tough stuff to deal with.
What I will share is that I have not had one panic attack in sobriety but I have had some anxiety - usually situational stress. At the first sign of anxiety I begin doing my breathing exercises and I nip them in the bud.
I am sorry you are going through this. I would continue on with the support but for me....I had to get to the root of my anxiety. It can be brought on by many things including physical ones. Have you had a physical/check up lately? Sometimes after years of drinking our bodies have deficiencies. Remember that it does take time for the body to heal.
Also, I found I would work myself up quite a bit to the point that I was inducing anxiety. Truth was I was just sad and down. I had years of anxiety so my counselor and I have been working on that. Sober living was a new thing for me since I spent the past 10 years handling my emotions with a bottle.
Know that we are here and my suggestion is getting a full work up from your Dr. and work on what you are feeling with your counselor.
Stay strong and don't give in. I know it is tough believe me I do. You will get a treatment plan in place for this. Hang in there.
I know the horrors of panic attacks and they are nothing like having anxiety. They are consuming and are pretty tough stuff to deal with.
What I will share is that I have not had one panic attack in sobriety but I have had some anxiety - usually situational stress. At the first sign of anxiety I begin doing my breathing exercises and I nip them in the bud.
I am sorry you are going through this. I would continue on with the support but for me....I had to get to the root of my anxiety. It can be brought on by many things including physical ones. Have you had a physical/check up lately? Sometimes after years of drinking our bodies have deficiencies. Remember that it does take time for the body to heal.
Also, I found I would work myself up quite a bit to the point that I was inducing anxiety. Truth was I was just sad and down. I had years of anxiety so my counselor and I have been working on that. Sober living was a new thing for me since I spent the past 10 years handling my emotions with a bottle.
Know that we are here and my suggestion is getting a full work up from your Dr. and work on what you are feeling with your counselor.
Stay strong and don't give in. I know it is tough believe me I do. You will get a treatment plan in place for this. Hang in there.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
Thanks for all of your support. I want to clear up one sentence that I wrote that may be confusing...I have not had a relapse since I stopped on July 5 nor do I think or intend to relapse as I know this will not help anything.
I know I have to get to the root of my sadness and anxiety. This will take time as it has been their a very long time. I have had a very thorough medical exam done and I am one healthy chick as far as that goes.
I know I have to get to the root of my sadness and anxiety. This will take time as it has been their a very long time. I have had a very thorough medical exam done and I am one healthy chick as far as that goes.
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Hi Hunt,
Good to hear you're following thru on getting to the source of your anxiety and depression. My first few months of sobriety were very tough as well. Things seemed to get worse before they got better. I hung in though and before the year was out I was finally getting somewhere emotionally and mentally. Becoming spiritual is what turned the corner for me. Been sober now many years, and I'm very different from who I was when I started. Just sharing with you that yeah, things can take awhile when living with anxiety and depression. You'll get through it! Stay with it!
Best Wishes!
Robby
Good to hear you're following thru on getting to the source of your anxiety and depression. My first few months of sobriety were very tough as well. Things seemed to get worse before they got better. I hung in though and before the year was out I was finally getting somewhere emotionally and mentally. Becoming spiritual is what turned the corner for me. Been sober now many years, and I'm very different from who I was when I started. Just sharing with you that yeah, things can take awhile when living with anxiety and depression. You'll get through it! Stay with it!
Best Wishes!
Robby
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
I actually think I know what the root of my troubles are. Coming to the realization that I was using wine to soothe my bad feelings, reward myself, to escape from stress was something that needed to happen. I now find myself without that coping tool and need to find other ways to deal with what has been bottled up inside of me for many years. I hope and pray that working with my addiction counselor and therapist will enable me to get to that place. I fear that I will become a "dry drunk" if I can't find the answers I need....thanks for listening. SR people are so special!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I have been so much better with my own anxiety and depression since quitting booze too...then i had some extreme stress this past week that was work related..and the anxiety and panic, loss of sleep brought everything flooding back...i found myself crying in my office yesterday...(luckily it is a private room)....I pulled myself together, came home from work yesterday evening and found some strength in my own accomplishments, it sounds silly, but i talked myself out of it, asked for some help from whoever (if anyone) is in control and woke up feeling better and more encouraged that i am indeed doing the right thing by taking care of myself.
today i am just taking it easy and being kind to myself...i always push and work too much.
today i am just taking it easy and being kind to myself...i always push and work too much.
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